Please try not to worry about feeling that you are better when you do not have to look after them.I think as others have said that many of us feel like this. I think mums without PNI feel like this too very often! But that perhaps they do not feel guilty about it as we do and because they are not ill, having a break from being a mum is a welcome change but perhaps not as essential as it may be if you have PNI.
I have suffered a lot of guilt over suffering PNI that led me not to take the breaks I needed and if I did have a- rare- break I felt so guilty becasue I enjoyed it I took even lessAs suggested get as much of a break as you can, when you can. It is a long haul as being a mother and does not stop really until they leave home and then not totally and actually you are a better parent if you also take time for yourself.
I found this out recently because my daughter Caja - 18 in May - left home; at least temporally while she is at college.
She has gone to live in a hostel near her college. For many reasons but party because we live right out in the sticks ,22 miles from her college and this meant twice a day a 10 minute lift in the car from me or Barry when home, plus a 60 minute bus journey to the city, and then another short bus ride to the college.
This was getting us all down, her the traveling and me especially, as I was actually more tied to her and her dependent on me than we were when she was at secondary school. When she was at school there was a school bus so she could walk to the bus stop and get herself there in the mornings and get herself home at night sand let herself in, so I did not have to be around waiting to give her a lift twice a day.
Also when she was at school she did not go out so much, at her age 17 she wants to go out most weekends and some evenings and this meant my giving her lifts at east to where there was a bus and being up sometimes as late as 2 in the morning to collect her - and she still expected me to do most of the cooking for her and her washing - although I did insist she did it when she could but the long traveling meant she had very little time and anyway was unwilling to do much at all
- and she really is very untidy and leaves a lot of mess in the house, much more than when she was younger which caused arguments. I regret this hugely as it went too far and we both said things to each other I regret, and she will later.
I became far from the perfect mother I had always tried to be and this I will always regret - as was pretty distraught by what was happening and this made everything worse as I did not behave well at times either I had expected it to get easier as she got older but in fact for us it actually got more difficult and because my child is now another (young) adult who resents any attempt to interfere in her life or even tell her off for not cleaning etc it was far worse once she reached 16 than trying to life in harmony with a younger child as you are more 'in charge' then
In fact this stage of my daughter’s life really was more difficult and demanding for me than having a younger child in my case. After I recovered from PNI, by the time she was five I found being a mum quite easy
partly because as a younger child she was a very quiet child and easy to rub along with, and because I just did everything mostly for her, so I had a relatively good time of it for over 11 years
But since she left school and has needed so many lifts and has been uncooperative around the home this caused us huge tensions and I often found myself wishing for a break and feeling guilty about it as well
What I am saying is this made me realize what a long haul being a parent is and how I should have taken more opportunity to have a break when it was possible as I rarely did.
Barry is away at sea a lot and I always tried to be there for her when she came home from school etc - I even gave up my profession as a youth worker when she was 10 as it was anti social hours and I felt guilty that I was not always home for her when she came home from school - and rarely took any opportunities for any break from being a carer - I would not even go out at night as when she was younger I felt I was being unfair to get her a babysitter just so I could enjoy myself and when she was older I felt it was unfair to leave her in the house on her own!
I HAD to make up for not being there emotionally before she was 5!!!!This was all caused by the guilt I felt due to having had PNI and wanting so much to be a great parent. But I actually feel it was counter productive as had I led my own life more I think she would have been more independent and at the very least helped a bit round the house - I did too much for her and when she became a young adult this caused so much tension as I just had had enough as she was by then old enough to do it herself.
I also regret never going away without her - many other parents, even single parents in the village did and left their children with others while they had a holiday or went somewhere over night in school term. In fact because I never went anywhere and have spare bedrooms as I only have one child, I looked after other's children many times while they went away - but I did not feel I could. The only time I ever went away overnight was when I had to for work or funerals etc - never for me.
Anyway I am sorry that this reply is so long. It is just that at the moment this is something I am coming to terms with. i.e. that my guilt and consequent need to be a perfect parent meant that by never doing things for myself and always putting Caja’s needs first for so many years - actually was in the end counter productive.
as when the demands got even more as she got older and she did nothing in return to help me, I became resentful and started far too late to demand some time for me.
Unfortunately for us the result was that I got all the time in the world for me as my daughter moved out !!!!I did put pressure on her but her moving out at not yet 18 was not he result I wanted at all
What I had hoped was that she would compromise a bit - start helping round the house a little, do some of her own cooking or even cook for me, not expect me to always be there for her as I always had been, and to this end get a moped for transport to the bus stop as others had done - I would not have expected her to drive 22 miles on a moped but others going to the same college used mopeds just to drive a safe country lane to where the college bus leaves.
And put effort into getting her driving license as quick as possible ( so we paid for lessons but she did not try or have any enthusiasm, if she had she would have her drivign license by now) She actually said I don't see why I need a moped or drive if you can give me lifts?
( to be fair she is not very brave and would have been scared on a moped yet some of her friends love them - but it was also because a moped would have spoilt her image, she is very concerned with looking cool and did not care if to do this she put more on me.
But the time for her to learn to compromise was gone it seems..
I had always been there for her, always put her first and if she was to live with me still, for her it was this or nothing. She would rather move out than do stuff that would help me and give me so me freedom -
freedom that after 18 years and at 54 I really needed for myself.But she moved instead and to be fair it is more convenient for college. She lives in the city the college is and as this is our only big town in Cornwall she can go out as often as she likes. She is also happy because she is not asked to do housework there. It is a YMCA young woman’s hostel and they supply towels bedding and clean the rooms so all she has to do is wash her own clothes and she still brings them to me sometimes - but she does have to cook for herself.
It has worked out OK in a way and she does visit, she is upstairs asleep at the moment as she has been out to a party all night...
but from being too tied to a daughter who is 17 I am now living in a very big house alone when Barry is at sea and I miss her very much.
Gosh I have gone on and with all my own issues in your diary-
Sorry I just wanted to explain why I feel I have to say to any mum who feels guilty when they have a break and feel good because of it..
Don't!!!
Just enjoy it as you will be a parent for a long time and you need to take what you can for yourself too. I wish I had learned this earlier.
Love Veritee