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Post by winegirl on Apr 1, 2007 14:18:35 GMT
Hi Joanna
My little girl is 10 and half months old and I can't bear to be away from her! I am back at work full time now and feel guilt ridden all day about not seeing her and so wont go out at night when my parents offer to give me a break as I too feel really guilty for not being with her!
I went out for the first time a few weeks ago straight after work to meet a friend. The morning before I went to work I was sobbing because I knew my little girl would be in bed before I got back and I wouldn't have seen her all day! Everyone keeps telling me I need a break but just feel so guilty!
I am glad that I have now read Veritee's reply to you and think it would be wise to take her advice. Everyone needs some time away occasionaly, and with this illness I guess we all deserve a bit of a break now and then!
Hope your weekend is going well and you are looking after yourself.
Winegirl x
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joannem
Senior Member
joannem mum of one little boy born Jan 2006
Posts: 314
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Post by joannem on Apr 2, 2007 22:18:59 GMT
Thanks for your reply Veritee, thinking of you. 18 is such an awkward age isnt it? I remember you think you know everything but you dont, but I suppose it's only getting out there into the big wide world that teaches you that. Thanks for your advice. J had his second day at nursery today, didnt feel so guilty, caught up on some chores had a nice time pottering in the garden and thought - you know I may be able to manage this motherhood & work & me thing after all!! Got up early today had Joseph washed dressed and fed before 8.30 (big achievement for me that!!) Didnt have a daytime nap today, but feel wide awake now! (should try to sleep got work tom)....was sooo tired yesterday fell asleep at 8.30 next thing I knew it was 1am then I was restless for ages, why does PND interfere with your sleep when you are in so need of it!?!...evil thing! Not too bad a day, slight anxiety but due to matters totally unrelating to PND - everyday stress, so on we go.........
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Post by chica on Apr 3, 2007 8:18:51 GMT
Hope you dont mind me butting in your diary, I just wanted you to know I can relate to so many of your feelings, in fact it was quite a relief to read them to be honest. I do believe I am now well on the road to recovery,(keeping fingers crossed as I type that) Also thank you Veritee for your reply, it certainly has made me feel more positive about needing and wanting a break from my two. Just got to work out now how to do it Anyway, I am sending you big hugs, Chica
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joannem
Senior Member
joannem mum of one little boy born Jan 2006
Posts: 314
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Post by joannem on Apr 3, 2007 20:36:23 GMT
Another day at work done today ( well half a day! ) Had a power hour nap this afternoon though! Some anxiety crept in again this tea time - the old face ache n palpitations but tried best I could to ignore it and not dwell on it, so not to bad a day I guess!
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joannem
Senior Member
joannem mum of one little boy born Jan 2006
Posts: 314
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Post by joannem on Apr 5, 2007 20:42:17 GMT
Day off work today, had a nice afternoon with OH and J, went to the park and fed the ducks and birds which was nice, then tonight felt a bit sh***y. Had a "mild to -do" with OH after what was such a nice afternoon, caught him eyeing up a woman in supermarket (as men do!!) but for some reason felt really sensitive about it!....which I suppose is part n parcel of the PND isnt it??? So felt a bit off with him so I guess thats where my slight shift in mood has come from! Any how enjoyed my time with J, even bathed him tonight which I usually leave to OH, well OH asked me to do it, so kind of forced into it.....it sounds crazy doesnt it but sometimes I just havent felt like doing it...then the old guilt kicks in.."you bad mum cant be arsed to bathe your child"...AAARRGGGHHH!!! Does anyone else feel like they have got battle going on in their heads??? Im not too bad all in all, got a cold coming, tired and its just mad how 1 daft incident just tips my scales off balance if you know what i mean!!!! Prob sound like a right raving looney tonight!!!!.....prob just a little sensitive tonight and my P is due, so could explain a lot!!
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joannem
Senior Member
joannem mum of one little boy born Jan 2006
Posts: 314
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Post by joannem on Apr 6, 2007 12:55:27 GMT
AAAHH! Feel much better than last night! Had a very good nights sleep, OH came to bed at 12.30am and said me n J were both snoring our heads off! (due to us both having colds of course!) So feel much better today just having a break from tidying up, getting my hair done this pm (which always makes u feel better). Was going to peg some washing out but some bugger has lit a fire so it stinks of smoke outside!!!! THERE'S ALWAYS ONE ISNT THERE!!! (sorry its just one of my pet hates!) Big hugs JO xxx
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joannem
Senior Member
joannem mum of one little boy born Jan 2006
Posts: 314
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Post by joannem on Apr 8, 2007 10:08:17 GMT
Blip day today (URGH!) Think the meds are causing havoc, I am still having the night sweats, may as well pour a bucket of water on me at night. Went to sleep really early last night well 10:15 is early ish for me, then OH came to bed in early hours and woke me up then I was ages before I went to sleep again. When I did I had really bad dreams - I knew I was going to die and I was burned alive and everyone thought i was dead but I wasnt but they left me ( any dream analysers out there??) absolute madness. I was in a city that I didnt know, going to these mad places..... I have got that tension in my face again today and feel tired but when i lay down I am so restless my arms and legs wont keep still. Read my meds leaflet and these are all side effects, has anyone else had these symptoms?? Please feel free to chip in here if you have. Dont know if I should be on some other meds but reluctant to start over again as I have been on these for coming up 9months now. any thoughts welcome ladies xxx
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Post by Jay on Apr 8, 2007 18:54:31 GMT
I am sorry you have not been too good.
And the dreams must be awful to put up with.
I have what I call my fidgets. when everything seems to itch and I can't sit or lay still. I think it comes on now when I am tired. You could do with a diazepam to shut the restless arms and legs up. It's probably a stress thing, cause stress is good at playing tricks on us!!
Sorry also that your meds are being a nuisance too. I've been on mine for 15 yrs!! so god knows the affects of changing them.
I hope you sleep more peaceful tonight, you deserve to, you are a lovely person, who could do without PNI!!!!
love Suzi xx
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joannem
Senior Member
joannem mum of one little boy born Jan 2006
Posts: 314
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Post by joannem on Apr 8, 2007 19:58:54 GMT
Thanks Suzi You are an angel and you too could do without PNI! I have got diazepam, I am just hard on myself and try not to take them unless I am desperate! Should just get them down me shouldnt I?? Just feel knackered the next day but then again I am always tired! It no wonder though is it that we are like this! Knackered from being a mum, tired (and fed up) of PNI and then when we do sleep daft dreams keeping our minds racing!
Managed for two days to go without power naps though! I think we all could do with a big girly weekend in some spa!...sounds nice doesnt it! Well we can dream! Heres to a good night for you hun! Nice peaceful dreams all round Love JO xx
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joannem
Senior Member
joannem mum of one little boy born Jan 2006
Posts: 314
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Post by joannem on Apr 9, 2007 14:18:01 GMT
Blip - ish day! Tired, got a lot of tension in my face, a bit fed up in general and cant be bothered to do owt! ? if meds are doing what they are supposed to? The side effects are there! AAARRGGHHH the world of PNI!!
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joannem
Senior Member
joannem mum of one little boy born Jan 2006
Posts: 314
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Post by joannem on Apr 9, 2007 20:57:50 GMT
.....still feel off ish and fed up and flat! Face still aching like mad, going to have a soak in the bath to see if that relaxes me! Got that feeling where I could just scream! Sure there is many of us who feel like that with the PNI. When is my rollercoaster going to stop and I can get off???!!!
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Post by cheshire on Apr 10, 2007 19:42:46 GMT
Hi JOJO
I've felt like screaming and have in the past!
U feeling any better today?
Love Hopefulxx
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joannem
Senior Member
joannem mum of one little boy born Jan 2006
Posts: 314
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Post by joannem on Apr 10, 2007 20:58:10 GMT
Hi H Yes I have done a lot of screaming, just didnt expect to still be at it!! Feel really strange really for want of a better word! Went to work (didnt want to) but felt a bit better, absolutely shattered. OH said I have always been tired but I feel exhausted. I could lie in bed forever given half a chance. Im not too bad but I know Iam not right if that makes sense. Seeing my psych on 23rd so hoping to get some answers re meds, been on my 2nd lot of anti D's for 9months but think they have done what they can and I may need something else?? I really dont know? Helen has changed hers and she is like a new woman! I just wish i had some energy I just feel so tired, weary and emotional. Feel like Im holding it back and trying to keep it together but inside Im scared and wondering how long is it going to take before I am fully right, i know no one can answer that for me, maybe Iam just too impatient and need to give myself more time?? The tears are back now! Need some encouragement Girls, feel low. My head is buzzing thinking well I am back at work that is a big hurdle but feel crap inside?? Are the meds working? What to do? Tired n fed up xx
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Post by Veritee on Apr 10, 2007 22:18:51 GMT
Oh Joanna
I am so sorry that you are feeling like this - its often two steps forward and one back I 'm afraid. i remember feeling 'deep bone level' exhaustion too especualy when I was working
I went back to work when Caja was 8 months but I could not say I was well until she was three and not fully until she was five. For me it was a long haul and I do really hope it is not for you. However I will say that I did learn to live as well as I could with PNI, like having a long term physical illness that you can learn to live with - if this makes sense?
While I was ill almost for 5 years I still can look back and say I had some fun for some of those years - once I realised I had PNI and fully accepted it and that I had to be kind to myself and make allowances because I was ill, I found it easier.
Are you near your period? as this often made me feel exhausted in the days before. Or is there anything else going on for you that could cause you to feel exhausted and low?
I did not take medication and I still had times when I felt exactly as you described, so it may not be anythign to do with yor medication , but it obvously would be best to check. It can be disheartening if you have friends with PNI who start to feel better before you, but we are all different
And as I think you actually said on here - it takes as long as it takes - This is so very true, but I do know that you will recover and you will look back on your PNI as just a very short time in your life as a mother...
There will be other trials to come as I have found out as a mum of a teenager - but PNI will pass, thankfully. but in the meantime please feel free to talk about anything you like on here
Thinking of you
Veritee XX
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Post by helenr on Apr 10, 2007 22:22:03 GMT
Oh hun,
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad right now. You're back at work, and that is a huge thing, you should be proud of yourself. Things will get better for you I promise! love and hugs x.
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