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Post by winegirl on Oct 7, 2008 7:46:17 GMT
Hi Jay
Dont feel bad about the wine hun. I regularly have my first glass of wine at 3pm if I am at home and have had a crap day. And I know it is bad, but I fugure we have other more important battles to fight first.
I hope it all goes ok with the CBT lady. Have you mentioned to her that leaving it so long between visits is making you ill?
Best of luck at work today mate, and I will pm you properly later xx
Take Care
WG x
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Post by Jay on Oct 9, 2008 5:05:12 GMT
I dont know whats happened to me. I thought the increase dose in antid had helped, but I keep thinking that I cant go on like this, but I dont really know what to say is happening to me.
I tried my sit in the garden yesterday in the sun, like I am told to do by the CBT. I mainly end up tipping over and laying on the wooden bench with my eyes shut. I felt so ill yesterday, then a damn fly landed on my arm and made me jump so much that I screamed and cried so much. I feel so stupid that I cant cope with even something like that.
I had such a bad day yesterday, that during the evening I suddenly said to OH that I wanted to smash my head in to get out of all this. I could not help it and I felt to guilty to have said it to him, he just did not know what to say to me.
I am going to try to go to the GP tomorrow, I have not been able to prebook so have to ring in the morning. OH is off work so he could take me. I know if I went alone I would end up passed out again. Why is everything so sh*t?
I should have had a letter from the CBT lady about what time she was coming to see me this week, but so far nothing has turned up. Unless she just turns up on Friday at 1pm, which had been the time and day she had been coming before. I know she was moving offices which is why she did not prebook with me. I suppose I should ring her to ask, but I cant be arsed. And I hate her. although I need help, I am not chasing after her. Perhaps she has given up on me, as I have not got better. She just suggests distraction things, and I felt I have lost heart about it all. I so dont want to be here, but I dont want to pull my own plug because of my family, I feel like a bloody shitty waste of space, who feels too ill to live and dont belong in this world.
I am sorry to moan here, I am hoping it will help plus the cry I hve just had.
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Post by winegirl on Oct 9, 2008 7:41:25 GMT
Oh mate. I am so sorry. I wish I could make it all better for you.
You are still fighting and I am proud of you. Dont give up because I am certain this will all get better for you.
You know where I am x
WG xx
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Post by Jay on Oct 9, 2008 18:00:16 GMT
Today was difficult. OH had a hospital apt, not in our main hospital, so I went for a ride there, and afterwards we went to an animal rescue centre as I have manage to look around there before. It took diazepam to get out the house. But I was not well there, and we had to come home.
The GP tells me this will not last forever. I challenged her on this and she did say that I will probably always have this, but probably not as bad. She is saying that it is the hospital apts and A&E visits, and other medical apts that are making me worse at the moment. Also the PTS, she thinks that I think about things and end up with problems. She let me have more diazepam which suprised me, and said she would rather I took them and went out than not go out at all. She is going to chase up the Neurology apt, as she thought I should have heard by now. She apologised taht I have to go through this apt, but said it must be checked out. I stood up to leave and down I went, I have smashed my head on her door and clouted my knee again.
Thanks WG xx
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Post by winegirl on Oct 10, 2008 8:03:36 GMT
Oh mate. Is your head ok? Are you Ok?
The GP really is right about this getting better, and in some ways it already is better than it was.
Will be on and off today (bit hungover)
WG xx
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Post by Jay on Oct 14, 2008 18:06:28 GMT
I am worried about seeing a new Psychiatrist tomorrow. I am nicely winding up and wondering what I am going to say. It seems so stupid it should be easy to tell them what is happening to me. Its also likely that I will pass out on them. Part of me is beginning to not care anymore, but I am also scared shitless at how awful I feel before I pass out, I am covered in bruises already. Work is wierd we have moved one of the offices into an old disused bank for 6 weeks [due to building work]. The joker I work with , thought it was fun today to lock me in the large walk in safe. He only closed and locked the door which is just bars, but I felt so bad and told him to get me out, I nearly panicked so much. I am so glad he did not close the large big door as well. It so creepy in this building.
I have been married 19 years today. It is hard to believe that we have survived all this time. It had mainly been a sexless marriage since the trauma after the birth, which I suppose shows that sex is not everything. I know there have been lots of times I tried to push him away, thinking he should not have to put up with me. But he is still here with me 19 yrs later. I have gone more down hill over the past few weeks and he has seen this , and somehow he is trying to help me and we have become closer, he seems more caring [at the moment!!! lol].
Take care everyone, Jay xx
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Post by winegirl on Oct 15, 2008 13:30:36 GMT
First of all...
Many Happy Returns!! On your wedding anniverssary (sorry its late mate)
Secondly, as I have only just seen your post I only just know about your psych appt today - so just want to let you know that I am thinking of you and hope it goes ok. You know where I am xx
Hugs (())
WG x
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Post by Jay on Oct 15, 2008 16:56:13 GMT
I am so fustrated, the apt seemed a waste of time. I dont know what I expect them to be able to do to help me. But it is so fustrating when you leave thinking that there is no hope. I was honest with him about how awful things have been more recently, and all he said is you seeem fustrated by it all. He asked where I saw my future, and I told him 'not getting better'. I asked about seeing a Hypnotist to see if they could help, I had been reading about 'rewind' or something helping with PTSD, but he laughed and said 'If only it was that simple'.
He says I am on the top dose of these antids, but the last Psych had shown me in his book only at the last visit that I am only on a smallish dose and that they could go up if needed even to double the dose I am on at present, but this guy is not going down this road. He just said that the CBT was all I could do. Then he said he would see me in January. Bastard!!!!!!!! I cant believe I waited again to see someone who I hoped would help me.
I dont know how to hide how awful I feel from my family tonight. I can only think that I am going to end up getting drunk to kill off all this disappointment and fustration.
I dont know how to go on sometimes, I feel so trapped with no way out.
I am sorry I am moaning on, I feel so cross and defeated
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Post by winegirl on Oct 15, 2008 17:34:42 GMT
Oh mate - that is awful! January??!! And what do you do in the meantime??
The right person to help you is out there, I know it. Do you have a CPN you contact? Something needs to b set in stone instead of all this fannying around.
I hope you are ok tonight mate. I wanted to get plastered tonight too so am going over to the gym where I cant get my hands on alcohol.
I wish I could do something to help?? ((( WG ))))
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Post by Jay on Nov 21, 2008 13:29:59 GMT
I feel all emotional and cant stop crying today. It is my daughters birthday, and it is always a reminder of the trauma I had at her birth, somehow this year it is worse. I know I should be happy, but all I feel is sadness, and feel guilty for the way I feel.
I learnt this week, even more than normal, how lucky I am to have this site to come to. A place to talk things over and to have such understanding people who listen. The only person I confided in at work about whats happening to me, had told my boss that she did not want to hear about my illness [and of course my boss told me about this]. This so called friend left last week, but I feel so let down by her, when she was ill with her depression, I supported and listened all the time, and I had thought it safe to talk to her when she had asked about me. Mistake made!!!
My occ health result was back, and I had to talk to the boss. It contradicts itself by saying that my condition is perminant, then it says that with CBT they hope I may improve a little. I have 6 months grace at the moment to do light duties at work, they are going to reassess me in April. They do say that they think I come under the DDA. My boss somehow made me feel stupid and ashamed of my illness and the way I am. She does not understand and never will.
My CBT lady came today, the wait for her to arrive is so awful as I am in such a panic still about her coming. She had decided not to talk about anything in particular because of my FIL dying recently. So she only stayed about half an hour, and it seemed like a nothing apt, and all I seemed to do was to cry, and to keep wanting reasurance that I was going to get better from this. She is very tackful and does not say 'yes', but says she hopes to get me improved a little. I told her that if I do nothing I seem to be able to manage now, better than I did a few months ago when all the panic and tremors were there all the time. I told her that I did not know why I was still alive. She told me about someone she had helped, and how they could now go out and manage life better.
I thank you all for the help and support you always give to me. Jay x
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Post by winegirl on Nov 21, 2008 13:40:31 GMT
Hi Jay I am so sorry that your daughters birthday is such a sad day for you It must be so difficult when your daughter is celebrating her speical day that you struggle so much. Huge hugs to you my friend. You are doing so much better than you were. I know it has taken some time, but if you carry on like this then you will slowly improve further. The CBT lady seems pretty sensible to me. As for your so called friend, well that how some people are babes. All take and no give. At least you know that you are the better person here as you were there for her when she needed it. You are the ultimate example of a selfless person. You know we wil always be here for you though hun, and do our best to support you. Sending hugs to K on her bday and hoping the rest of it goes a bit brighter for you too mate xx Love WG xx
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Post by Jay on Apr 6, 2009 11:47:25 GMT
Forgive me for what I write here, my feelings are all over the place and I think if I write them down it may help me. I am thinking so much about opting out, I dont want to be here. It all seems so hard and too difficult. I sat in bed talking to my daughter today, and all the time I was trying to think how long it would take her to get over me going and leaving them.
Things were getting a little better, I was still struggling lots, but its was better than it use to be, I am not terrified and panicky all the time now. I was thinking that I had gone over the hump, until I passed out several times last week. I had never really hurt myself before, and one of the times last week I smashed my head which made me feel unwell and hurt so much, and it has frightened me so much and I feel even more fearful of trying to go out my front door now.
For some weeks now I have not wanted to get up in the mornings. And find that a lot of the day I spend just laying with my eyes shut, willing myself to switch off or to just fall asleep.
I watched Doctors on BBC last week when Ruth was having her brake down and it really upset me. I dont know if it affected anyone else?
Then my CBT last week she was 'challenging my negative thoughts'. I found it awful. I know it was not meant to end like it did, but she left me feeling that everything was my fault. Purhaps that is what has knock down, I felt myself sink after the appointment. Purhaps this PTSD is all my fault, purhaps it is my fault that I passout and cannot hardly go out. I cant seem to get better I feel I am just a failure and should not be here.
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Post by winegirl on Apr 6, 2009 17:25:53 GMT
Hey Jay
I have already PM'd you but just seen you have posted here as i was about to dash off to a demanding child - so wil pop back in your diary later if thats ok??
LOve
WG xxx
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