Jay's Diary

[Jay]

Well after Tuesday when I thought I was having a heart attack, and felt really poorly at work. I cut my meds down quick as these can mess my heart up.
I then had 2 days where I felt really well. It was quite a shock to actually feel ok, especially as I am waiting for the down hill ride with a lower dose of meds.

Today was not too bad, my brain feels a bit like someone took a potato masher to it, but I do not feel as bad as I have done.

My goal is not to get too worked up about my hospital apt on Thursday. It is evidently a 1 hour apt. That is going to be jolly!!!
I hope that if I have to tell her my problems, that my flashbacks don't start up again. I've got a slight block on that at the moment, and she had better not mess things up, and set it all off again.

[Jay]

Felt a bit shakey today, but that is a feeling that I am getting use to.

Had a panic attack while out. Thought I was going to faint, shook all over, and ended up bursting into tears.
Did not feel it coming, so don't understand it really.

[marion]

Hi Jay
Hope you are ok after your panic attack - they can be so horrid and really knock you about.
I havent read all your diary but I see from previous entries you've been getting side effects from your meds - what are you on? I have been on loads of different ones over the last 18mths (anti dep's and anti psychotics) and have suffered terrible side effects so I know where your coming from when you say your head feels like mush. I've had that - it's absolubtly horrible.
You say they have reduced your meds - are they looking to change them? It took me a long time but they have finally found one that suits me so I dont get side effects off it which is great.
Hope you dont mind me writing in your diary and hope you feel a little better soon.
Love
Marion.

[claire99991]

Jay, so sorry you had such a bad day (it sounds similar to mine) my panic attacks come out of no where as well they are so scary its awful i had one today and ended up being sick in the middle of shaking and not being able to breathe! Wish i lived closer to you then we could help each other.

*hugz* claire xxxx

[marion]

Hi Jay
Good luck with your psych and changing the meds. I'm sure once they find the right ones for you you'll start to feel a lot better both physically and mentally.

Hope today's a better day for you.
Love
Marion.

[Jay]

Have been a bit worried about clairecharlie today.
She has not had a good day.
I hope she is alright.

Does anyone know if the chat room works. It says we have to register, but when you click on the chat room, you get the sign in bit, but no registration part.

Not too bad a day today. got a bit more done today.

[claire99991]

jay, chat room does work sometimes for me, just type in your username and password and it should get you in there.

Love to you claire xx

(if you speak to clairecharlie tell her im also thinking of her)

[Jay]

Got the out of breath feeling and a bit of chest pain on the way to work. Got a bit worried whether to go on or go back home. Tried to sort out my breathing, and carried on as I was nearer to work than home. I could see no reason for it coming on like that!!
Execpt that it was last Tues when I had it last. So did part of my brain associate going to work, or it being tues with the chest pain problem. Its a damn nuisance what ever the cause.

Looked in the building Society in town today, and saw there was a lady getting the post from near the door. So dithered about then went in to ask if there was a day or anytime that I could see someone without making an apt. She asked what I wanted. So I explained that I needed to sort out some accounts and said that I have panic atks and that I make an apt, but always cancel before the day, and that I had some outstanding problems and a frozen ISA, which I have not sorted for the past couple of years!! She looked a bit like she was thinking I was a silly idiot [well I am a bit!!]. Then she told me I need an apt to sort these things out. So she let me leave without any ideas how I could sort it out.
Never mind, who wants to sort out bank accounts anyway!!

[winegirl]

Jay

You sound just like me. Every appt I make I anded up cancel with the panic attacks!

Having said that I have kept a couple of appts recently, and although it was really hard, I got through them.

It will get better soon, I just think it all takes longer than we would like!

Perhaps you can have a phone consultation with them? My bank offers this kind of service. Having said that I have panic attacks when talking on the phone too! (odd I know).

You are so not alone Jay, and it will get better soon

Look after yourself

Winegirl x

[Jay]

Well today was a marathon day.
A big staff meeting and my work apraisal.

Walking into the office, saw some work mates sitting around waiting for others to arrive, took my coat off, started to retch tore out the office. Then everyone looking at me as if I am barmy [well I am].

Had apraisal told boss about me not being good at going out. Told her about my panic on sunday, thought it would be an example to help her understand.

Told her that I hope med change will not mean I am off work. She then goes on about picking me up to take me to work, and coming round etc.

Then she starts saying that they need to reduce my meds by giving me a placebo tablet to make me think I am taking something, while I cut down my present pills. When I said that it does not work quite like that.
She still seemed to think that if I take [her words] a sugar tablet I will still be alright, as it is all in our minds??

Now I am sure some readers of this, will agree with me that she does not have a clue!! And does she think that an ex pharmacy techician, would not look up and accept being put on a sugar pill.

Can you all imagine what would happen to us if we were suddenly given sugar pills instead of antid's?

[Jay]

Have just got back from apt with psychiatrist.
She was v nice. I was really shakey while waiting to go in, and had to top up diaz.

Was in there one and a half hours!!!
She just talked about me from my birth to now, and she did lots of writing. I got a tiny bit tearful a couple of times.

She is not changing my meds at the moment.
She described me like a volcano, holding all my lifes problems. And every panic atk, or blip I have is is my volcano letting a little bit out.
So she does not want to upset me too much incase I completely explode!! [That made me feel nice!]

She asked if I agreed with the Psychologist's diagnosis of PTSD. I said I thought it was. I explained that I had started reading the book she recommended [overcoming traumatic stress] and how all I had read so far, I was thinking more and more that it sounds just like what is happening to me.
And I told her what happened to me when I read the first chapter, how I started to shake, then got freezing cold.
she nodded her head to this.

she says we have to talk about things, but only a very small amount at a time. so as not to unstablise me.
She said it will be like chipping a very small piece of ice of at a time, and that we were going to have to do it over a long period of time.

She expects me to have reaction after talking to her today.
I said I was likely to have flashbacks for a week now!!!

she also talked about my lack of trust in gp's as from my story, we as a family, have been constantly let down by them. I think she is going to write to my gp now. So I hope she does not upset him, so I don't feel I can go anymore if I have to, and only if I have to!!

Anyway she is going to see me in 6 wks.

[joannem]

well done with the psych Jay! I know it was a big thing for you, sounds like it went fine hun, you did well!
Will PM you more later
Love Jo xx

[nellie]

I hope you don't mind I've just read your diary, very moving.

You sound like you've had a good appointment with the psych today how are you feeling now, tired i bet.

Take care and well done . nellie.

[marion]

Well done Jay. Your psych sounds very good, level headed and had some sensible suggestions. Just dont take on too much and rest as much as you can.

Thinking of you
Love
Marion.

[Jay]

I have thought about my apt over the rest of the day.

And realize that I have not really sorted anything??
The whole idea of going was to change meds, as these ones don't work like they use to.

If I stay on 175mg my heart sort of copes with this. If I get wobbly and go down hill a lot, my head need higher to survive, but then I get problems.

So I now realise that I am a bit stuck.

I just have to hope I keep going. I might with luck go into my old summer mode of being a slightly bit better. Who knows??

Booked the holiday, now I can worry about that!!