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Post by Jay on May 17, 2007 21:22:42 GMT
Hi Nellie,
Thanks for writing in my diary. I have not found you on here, so will go looking tomorrow, and see how you are doing.
Take care Jay xx
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Post by Jay on May 18, 2007 22:51:26 GMT
Had a funny sort of cross day. also a bit panicky. Now tearful.
Found a different pni.org web bit tonight. And got reading and read things which I could oh so relate to, and it made me tearful. But I would not have not wanted to read it for all the world.
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Post by winegirl on May 19, 2007 8:45:47 GMT
Hi Jay
How are you feeling this morning? Better?
Winegirl x
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Post by Jay on May 20, 2007 21:31:07 GMT
Well yesterday my brain was at work all day trying to sort out things the psych had talked about. Then in the evening I fell asleep at about 8.15pm. I missed my favourite program of choosing Joseph. OH woke me and sent me to bed at 9pm, and I slept through until 8.30 this morning. I woke feeling better, then while cooking breakfast I suddenly started to shake and burst into tears. I don't understand why? I hate it when things happen and we cannot control it. I noticed daylight today, that might sound crazy. But when you have been in the bottom of a deep dark hole. To notice day light is actually good, it made me cry. Thank you eveyone for helping me, and supporting me. These past few months have been hard and your help has kept me going.
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joannem
Senior Member
joannem mum of one little boy born Jan 2006
Posts: 314
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Post by joannem on May 21, 2007 11:32:05 GMT
God bless you Jay you are doing so well!! Noticing the daylight does not sound crazy at all, it is a really good thing. This time last year was my worst and this spring, you know when the nights get lighter and the birds are out longer I noticed them singing, I never heard that last year! So that was nice x
Glad you slept so well even if you did miss Joseph. You must have needed it Big hugs Jo xx
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Post by Jay on May 21, 2007 19:28:29 GMT
Went out and got a bit panicky. Was driving to meet my sister and got the feeling of someone sitting on my chest, that squashed feeling. bit scary while driving!!! Parked the car and sat with this tremor feeling trying to find enough spit to swallow a diazepam with. When I went into the garden centre I felt really faint and had to sit on some stairs, trying to decide what to do as I felt not so well. Did get to the resturant, but was beginning to shake, so had to top up diazepam.
It is beginning to be a nuisance!!!
Not a thing to do at an airport or on a plane!!!
Thanks Jo, I read how you think I am not crazy to notice daylight and how you noticed birds singing. It made me cry again. I am glad you feel well enough to notice these things as well. thank you also for helping and supporting me, you are a good person.
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Post by sianyc on May 21, 2007 21:00:04 GMT
hey Jay
sorry about your pants day lovely. I haven't had counselling myself but I gather from some of the other ladies that it can be really hard going and stir a lot of things up.
You are a very strong person and are coping well with this horrible illness.
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Post by Jay on May 23, 2007 17:58:43 GMT
Don't know how i feel today. Was a bit wobbly, and could not face being in town, for my work. then got freezing cold and shakey this afternoon. Am cross with myself, and feel like I hate everything. Was horrible to a customer. Hit the bottle as soon as I got home from work. Managed to dring 4 glasses of wine before oh got home. And hate myself even more for that. Havent the faintest idea how to manage going on holiday on saturday. don't know how to juggle the antid's, diaz and being able to walk and function. think I have haken on too much here, and part of me wishes I had not booked it.
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Post by yoyo on May 23, 2007 19:48:26 GMT
Hi jay Sorry to hear you've had a tough day - this can be so hard after a better run x x The hol will probably be hard work - but I'm sure once you get there and begin to unwind a bit you'll find it helps a bit The anger at yourself & weverything is actually quite a positive sign you know (either that or PMT lol) the fact you are re-connecting with strong emotions is a good thing - I know it doesn't feel like it x x x Here for you x x Keep talking x
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Post by Jay on May 24, 2007 8:00:45 GMT
I have started the day very tearful. could not even hide it from my daughter. she hugged me before leaving this morning, which made me cry even more.
There is so much to do, and I don't think much is going to get done today.
I am pondering on phoning my boss. I was so awful to a customer that I think she could have cause to complain about me. I don't know what happened to me yesterday. When I woke early today it suddenly made me worry, and I feel I have to apologise, and admit what I have done. I don't know why this lady makes me feel so cross. I am not a cross person normally. I am usually to sensitive and afraid of upsetting anyone. I always give in and take the blame for things, so for me to be awful is just horrible, and I feel so horrible about it. So I am clock watching to think what time to ring.
Thank you Yoyo for the things you said in your post to me. You are a good kind person.
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Post by Jay on May 24, 2007 8:23:15 GMT
my boss was alright. she was a bit taken back that i was so upset and she gabbled on and on as i dont think she knew what to say to me.
i felt so awful yesterday as i could not even walk into the busy part of our town, without feeling like i was going to die. i could not walk back looking up, i just stared at the pavement and got myself out as quick as i could.
i am supposed to pick someone up from the hospital today, the go to the bl**dy garden centre for lunch. to the place where i freaked out and panicked on Monday!!! Don't know why I agreed to go. Don't know why I agreed to go on this holiday.
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Post by Scarlet on May 24, 2007 8:56:06 GMT
Jay hun,
Hope you don't mind me reading your diary. Get yourslef up to the garden centre you will be fine. I went places that I had panic attacks earlier and I was OK. You will have a fantastic time on holiday, it's stress that's making you feel you won't and all the things you've gotta prepare beforehand, ride with it sweetie. You are a gorgeous person and everyone get's upset and gets cross with people, even us sensitive ones ;D.... you don't need to take the blame for anything.
A Huge hug to you and you are going to have a great holiday where you can recharge your batteries and leave all that stress behind....
Hugs to you
Scarlet X
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Post by Jay on May 24, 2007 14:12:07 GMT
Thank you Scarlet, I managed to get out full of diazepam. and nearly cried in there!! But its done. I send you a HUG too' Thank you for telling me I am not awful. purhaps I'm just a mess coz I can't stop crying today, i've started again now. I wish I could go to bed and get rid of today, but 3.10pm is a bit too early for bed I suppose? ? Thanks Jay xx
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Post by newwie on May 24, 2007 21:05:35 GMT
HI Sorry you are having a bad day, Hope it didnt get any worse for you and you managed to get through the rest of the day ok. Dont feel guilty about hitting the bottle of wine or whatever your tipple is, i think most of the people on here do that, especially when things are so tough. i know i have a problem with hitting the drink alot when im not so good, i have managed months and months without it then bamm i reach for it and it starts all over again, but wouldnt get to disheartened about it. Hope you dont mind me gate crashing your diary its just you have been so nice in replying to my post i thought i would try to return the support. Hope as i say your feeling a bit better
newwie
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Post by Jay on Jun 4, 2007 22:42:22 GMT
Well back from holiday.
Ended up putting up my antid's while there, managed 2 days of higher dose before heart problems started, but it did sort me out so it give me a couple of days which were better. and I managed a day trip out, I was full of diazepam and imodium at the time, but I did enjoy the day. Open topped jeeps up the mountains, and off road tracks right along edge of mountains. Got very dirty with dust etc. Then went on boat out to look for dolphins, sea got so ruff that when dolphins were there everyone was being sick and feeling too unwell to watch!!!
Am very low today. Back to work tomorrow.
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