Rose's Journal

[Rose]

This is my first day of doing this, writing down how I feel in an on line Journal, and I am still working my way around the site, so if I go wrong or post in the wrong places please let me know.

Today has been bad ever since I got out of bed. Had to get up early to take my daughter to nursery, she goes 2 mornings a week between 8am-1pm. Its raining here and really dull, which does not help.. Plucked up the courage to ring my doc clinic today and speak to a health visitor, she was very nice and said she was gonna come see me on Monday morning... Which I am really nervous about, I hate talking face to face with people about my feelings, suppose this is why I have not said anything to my husband about how I feel. It just seems too hard, embarrassing and I don't want to be a failure, or anyone to think I can't cope. I have just been reading through a few other peoples diary's and I am starting to realise that some things I do are not so strange, and PNI is probably the reason.. I was reading how one lady ignores her child when her partner is looking after her at weekends and the evening, I do this too, and feel terrible for doing it. Last Saturday my husband worked all day and Sunday he looked after my daughter while I sat on the sofa and just watched TV all day, I didn't change her nappy if I smelt it was bad I just reminded him that it needed doing, I knew she needed lunch and I did not want to get it for her, just asked my husband to do it.. I don't hate my daughter I love her lots so why do I do this, I just don't understand why I push her away when my husband is here.. He always moans about not getting time to him self, that he is at work all day and has to come home and look after her and put her to bed. But the way I feel is that he gets 12 hours a day to him self at work to day dream and think about what he wants too, I don't get any time to rest my brain, it has to work constantly thinking about my daughter and looking after her 24-7...

Got to go pick Milly up soon from nursery, I feel like a bad mum just sending her to nursery 2 mornings a week, she is only 15 months and I feel like the other mums think I am odd as I don't work so she should not be at nursery.. But I don't know any other mums with children she can play with, so I wanted her to play with other kids. I feel like I should be going out and making the most of my few hours a week, but would rather just sit at home and do nothing, well I don't have any friends where I live so there is not much else to do...

One thing that really bugs me too is the way my body changed after I had Milly, and sometimes I feel like I hate her for that and want to turn the clocks back to when I had a good figure, but then I would not have her. I can't let my husband look at me any more with no clothes on, its to disgusting and I don't like him toughing my stomach, he says its ok and he dose not mind, but I just think how can he not mind, its gross sagging scared skin, and is nothing like the flat perfect tummy I had when we got married.. I just push him away all the time, and feel guilty because he thinks its him, but I still love him lots, just don't know how to tell him I don't love me..

Meeting a friend tomorrow for lunch, someone I have not seen in ages, and she wants to see my daughter too, and I want her too see Milly too as she has changed so much since she last saw her, but the Health visitor I spoke to today said to get my husband to take her and go to meet my friend by my self.. I told her I would do that, but I just feel if I do my friend will be upset and will think something is wrong.. I just want to feel normal and not have people fussing and asking if I am ok, as I just get upset and cry..

My husband just rang and told me he has passed his motor bike test, which is good, as we wont have to waste any more money on that.. Its cost about £1000, including 2 retests, he always says next time we get any extra cash I can have it and do what I want, but that never seems to happen, as we don't get extra cash, he paid for the tests on his credit card that has lots of spending already on it..

Well going to get ready to pick up Milly now. Might write more later when she is asleep this afternoon..
X

[joannem]

Hi Rose
Well done for starting your journal.
All the things you have said sound exactly how you feel with PNI and we are here to help you through it.
Sending you a big hug and thinking of you.
I will write more later this afternoon, I just have to pop out.
A lot you have said was exactly how I used to feel, so we will have a chat later xx
Love joanne m

[Rose]

Thank you for the big hug Joanne m, its really needed.

I have just picked Milly up from nursery, and she had been painting today and for the first time they gave me 2 of the pictures she had done, well hand prints if I am honest. I nearly cried when the lady at the nursery gave them too me not because they are so beautiful and artistic but because someone was giving me something and it had been painted especially for me . Better go now and put Milly down for her afternoon nap. Will write more once she is asleep.
X

[Jay]

Hello,

Just a thought.

Could you feel brave enough to show your husband, the part in your diary where you write about how you feel about your body change. The bit where you start
'One thing that really bugs me......[and you end with]
'just don't know how to tell him I don't love me'

Sometimes a talk to husbands early on, is much better. It would just let him know how you feel. I never told my husband how I felt. And if I did I would have wanted to word it exactly like you have here in the last part of this sentence. I never explained why I pushed him away. I wish I had now.

What about leaving him a little note saying how you feel, if thats easier than looking at him. Print the post out and chop out the bit you want him to read.

I've just written my OH's birthday card, and I have put a little message in it about me messing up this year, with my med change, and my treatment later in the year for Post traumatic stress. Now I have started to talk about things, I just wanted him to know that I do feel bad about this.
He is more understanding now he knows what is going on.

We have messed up your diary, that you are going to show the hv on Monday, but we do that sort of thing here!!!

Please don't cancel the apt with the hv, you really need to do this. I had to be pushed by all these nice people on here to go to the gp a few weeks ago, so I am sending you some strength to make you brave, and I send some love too.

Jay xx

[claire99991]

Hiya rose, you sound a lot like me so can sympathise with how you feel so much, you are braver than me though i havent asked my health visitor for hep just pretend everything is ok dont know why just carnt bring myelf to ask so well done!

My daughter is 15 months and i have just put her in a nursery as i had a operation a few weeks ago and im unable to look after her at the min, she loves it and im not going to beat myself up about it because she is well looked after and having a great time with other kids same as your daughter im sure that she is having a wondeful time and its doing her good anyway so there is nothing to feel bad about.

I hate my figure now before hollie i had a nice figure and would wear nice clothes now i put on lots of weight while pregnant and since she was born thru comfort eating, not going out the house hardly ever etc its awful.

I hope that your health visitor is helpful on monday are you seing the gp for pnd or is this the 1st time you have asked for help?

Please send me a private msg if you ever fancy a chat or a moan

lots of love claire xxx

[sianyc]

Milly has a great time in nursery! Where else would she get to scream around with lots of other kids her age

Take the time to do stuff for yourself even if that is just a long hot soak in the bath and a nap (I'm obsessed with napping!)

Keep fighting lovely x

[Rose]

Thank you so much guys, you are all so nice, and its making me cry just reading the nice helpful things you have written.

Don't worry about writing in my Journal Jay I don't mind.

Claire you asked "are you seeing the gp for pnd or is this the 1st time you have asked for help?" it is the first time I have asked for help, so I am not sure what the health visitor will have to say on Monday, and if she will get me to go and see my gp or not.

Today I have done a lot of crying but it has helped me to realise how I really feel, and to stop putting on so much of a show.. I am meeting a friend for lunch tomorrow (haven't seen her in 2 months) so I might feel brave enough to tell her how I am feeling, but I doubt the words will ever come out. Will see how I am when I meet her. We send a lot of emails to each other, but she does not have children and I just can't help but think she will not understand. She is a good listener, but its been ages since I have seen her, and she has her own problems (with money and men) and I don't want to burden her with my problems too..

Sianyc thanks I will try to enjoy my free time the next time I get it and have a long bath and do my nails, well tidy them up a bit really, I don't have many nails any more, they are all chewed off.

Hubby is home soon, and he is getting a take away for dinner tonight as a treat for him passing his motorbike test today, which is good as I wont have to cook. Think he is getting me a chicken korma, not eaten much today, so I am feeling very hungry now.

Can I just ask is getting a fussy head and blurry eyes part of PNI too, as I have had that alot today, probably all the crying, and lack of sleep, but would be good to know.
X

[kb]

Hello Rose, well done for starting to speak up about how you feel - it isn't easy and you're doing great. So many things you say sound so familiar and so much of what other people have said is great advice. Lots of people do have physical symptoms with pni, but i think in your case it might just be the crying, lack of sleep and lack of food - hopefully the korma will help. What you say about telling your husband that you don't love yourself just now is exactly how i would describe my worst patches - and i have had to tell my husband that is how i feel. its still hard, but he does understand and does his best to reasure me. He has said that it is hard sometimes because he gives me compliments and I push them back at him, so he feels like stopping saying nice things to me, but I do actually need him to keep saying them even if I don't believe them at the time (if that makes sense).

My little girl is now 20 months old and she has been in nursery 2 days a week since she was 3 months old (starting with a couple of hours a day, then half a day and now whole days). I only went back to work when she was 14 months old so for almost a year it was just so that I could have a break and she could have some time with other people - she's got so much from it and loves going, so please don't feel guilty about having time for you, even if all you want to do is nothing - its really important for you to have time to yourself.

If you can tell your friend you might find it helps. Telling someone for the first time is hard, but even if she doesn't have children I'm sure she would want to know that you're not happy and are finding things hard and would want to try to help you - even by just listening.

Will stop writing now, sorry my post is so long, but we are here with you and you will get through this.

Hugs

K

[Rose]

Tonight I have been reading a post by Claire99991 in which she mentioned a web site called Net mums, for meeting mums who live near by. I had a look and it seems very good, I decided to post my details really quickly before I got frightened and changed my mind... Talking over the net is one thing, but meeting other mums.. Well will just see what comes out of it. Probably wont find anyone close enough, as I don't drive and would be too chicken to drive.. I can't believe that I have posted my details on a web site looking for friends, it sounds so stupid and sad, but if it eventually gets me out the house more, then it cant be that bad.. Really scary though!!! Don't know what to say to people when trying to make new friends now.. it used to be so easy before, but now when I meet new people I just go quiet and shy and get hot and sweaty and panic, and have to eventually slink away when they are talking to someone else...
I have not cried yet this evening, which is good, but think I am just doing the usual cover up so my husband thinks I am ok.. Every time he walks into this room where the computer is I feel I have to close the screen and pretend I am doing something else, I am just too ashamed to let him see that something is wrong. But he is in the bath now so its ok. Getting ready to meet my friend for lunch tomorrow, I feel like I have to syc my self up for it, as its gonna be hectic meeting her in the centre of busy Oxford in a cafe... I have no nice clothes to wear, only just threw out a pair of old maternity trousers last week, I had still been wearing them as they were the only ones that fitted me.. I bet my friend is wearing really nice clothes, she always does.. Well going to go to bed now and try to get some sleep tonight, not sure how successful I will be as my brain is constantly ticking over and can't get it to rest, but will have a good go, and count lots of sheep...

Nite Nite
X X X

[claire99991]

Hiya glad you posted on the netmums site its seems a bit daft when u put a post up but there are thousands of mums on there wanting to meet people so everyone feels the same. Ive met a really nice girl on there unfortunatly she lives where i used to live so i can only see her when we go back to visit family but its nice to talk over email and on messenger as well.

Lots of love claire xx

[clarey]

Hi Rose,

Well done for starting off a diary, I have found it really helpful. Just wanted to say that the fuzzy head and blurred vision seems to be a very common physical symptom of PNI and ones that I can relate to very well. My vision has been awful since having PNI and I have been for all kinds of sight tests but they all say there is nothing wrong.

Hope you have a nice time tomorrow,
Love Clareyxx

[joannem]

Hi Rose
Sorry didnt get back to you sooner, life manic! My little boy is 16months and time to myself is few and far between!!
Just going back to what you first said - I think that maybe a little chat with your hubby will do you good, does he know you are going to see your HV? Maybe thats how you could start the conversation???
Im sure that he will be understanding.
Dont worry about letting him care for Milly, it is tough enough being at home and having them all day with or without PND.
my hubby appreciated what I did more when he had to take time off due to my illness last summer. I could do very little, just changing nappies left me exhausted and at times just like you said I would sit there and wait for him to do stuff For my son. That doesnt make us bad mums, at the mo you are just poorly with this illness and you need you time to recover, time for you to heal.
My HV used to say that was my bodies way of healing, shutting off from other things.
So be kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal.

I felt guilty that my OH was doing loads while I sat there feeling lousy but at the end of the day they are equally responsible for the little ones, and his helping will help you in the long run.
Just want to say too, in no way are you a faliure. No one on earth would want to feel like PND makes you feel so dont blame yourself, just believe that in time you will get better.
You are coping Rose, you are doing amazing, just to get up and face the day when you have PND is an achievement! Dont let anybody tell you otherwise!

My little boy also goes to nursery 2 days a week, sometimes I still feel guilty, especially if I am off work and sending him there, but it does him good to be mixing and I need that time to myself.
Do things for you in that time Rose. I have started going for reflexology, so I get some pampering time and some days I just catch up on lost sleep!
A must for PND, try not to get overtired and if you cant sleep just rest.

We are all here to support you Rose.
At the time you think it will never get better but it will hun, and we are here for you all the way.
Sending lots of love
Jo xx

[marion]

All the best for monday - things will be fine with your HV. She may advise you to see your dr but please dont be scared. They are just trying to help you get through what is obviously a very hard time for you right now.
If you havve to have time when you do nothing with your baby then do it - let your hubby take the strain for a bit - he's your husband and now a father and he needs to help you at times like this which he seems to be doing. He may not understand what you're going through but get him to help in any way you feel will help you.
Once again, dont be worried for monday - be honest with how you're feeling and what's going on and I'm sure you will get the help you need.
We're all here for you on this site so please let us know how monday goes.
Love
Marion.

[Rose]

Went to meet my friend yesterday in Oxford, and it was raining all day on and off.. Took Milly with me and my husband went to get a tyre fixed. Lunch went ok, bit awkward and Milly kept trying to get off my lap and walk about, but it was too busy in the cafe to let her. Didn't tell my friend anything about how I have been feeling as she has problems too and I didn't really want to talk about me, or change the subject to me, felt a bit selfish.. Went around a few shops after, and shopping always makes me angry and stressed, but took deep breathes and tried not to shout... I am sure I must have looked like a zombie, starring into space most of the time.. Had a stress fit trying to get the buggy back into the car when my husband picked us up, as he just stopped on the busy street, and in the end I just jammed it into the boot and slammed the lid, and he moaned at me for being to brutal with the car!!!! Men!!!!

Today we have not done much as it has been raining lots all day, sat on the sofa for ages watching soon boring gardening programme where the people doing the job just moan at each other constantly, so that just made me angry too, I have been feeling edgy and angry the last few days and just want to stay out of every ones way as I just shout and strop about the house... My husband wants us to go food shopping soon, more shopping I hate it, its always so busy and I can feel my self getting stressed just thinking about it... I used to love going shopping at one time long ago, but now it seems like I don't even want to think about it.. So now I am sat on my computer just trying to chill out and relax a bit before Milly wakes up from her afternoon nap, but hubby keeps coming in to see what I am doing, and that's just annoying me too ... I think I prefer the days where I cry all day to the angry ones, I feel guilty when I shout at everyone, but it just happens and I can't stop it from happening... I feel like I am going mad..

I have a big adults Doll house that I started to do up last year after Milly was born, and I have not touched it since then, so today I made my hubby get it from the attic so I can clean it up later and try to finish it. Got to make some window boxes and finish the wallpaper in side. But if I still feel angry then I won't attempt it as it may get broken... Going to have a long bath later too, and hubby can look after Milly, and give her her dinner. Better go now as she is awake.!!!
X

[marion]

Men!!!!!!!!!!!!! Being brutal to the car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's only a car!

Good luck with the dolls house - sounds like a good idea to have something to work on and occupy your mind.

Love
Marion.