destiny's diary

[destiny]

January 2006 sectioned for 6 weeks after being diagnosed with Puerperal Psychosis.

Symptoms - mania, aggression towards partner and family, anxiety, panic attacks, voices, hallucinations, paranoia, euphoria, feeling invincible, child was messiah...blah blah...

Prescribed anti psychotics and mood stabilizers.

Off the drugs Nov 2006 and now have 2 monthly check ups with psychiatrist. Deemed recovery in full... but have to check that I don't dip into depression as the mania and depression are supposedly linked.

Much as I'd like to share my story prior to being sectioned much of it is blank and seems soooo darn loopy I can't believe it was me doing those things as there was no stopping me.

My diary for today...

Had psychiatrist appointment today. Was greeted by my usual plus one (observing) which was reminiscent of the days when I was really ill and had to report to a panel (yuck!!). I commented as much but psych just politely smiled.

For once I was relatively composed. No tears nothing just me updating calmly. Felt flat afterwards 'cause had hoped to discuss far more than we covered. Once we'd chat (me doing most of it) for an hour or so. I now get a 1/2 hour slot. Next appointment is after honeymoon in mid October.

Sun is shining so took a walk from clinic into town. This cheered me up and by the time I arrived home my mood had lifted.

Have been emailing a friend I'd lost touch with, trawling through the net, doing a small amount of work (now feeling guilty 'cause should have done more and will have to catch up later) and this evening I plan to acknowledge my partner who I have sadly neglected.

That's my background and short update.

Any other PP sufferers/recoverer's out there??? sometimes feel it's just me :/

[sianyc]

Just popping in here to say hi. You've probably gathered from my other posts to you that I didn't have PP. There are other ladies here who did though so no doubt they'll pop in too

Boo hiss to housework x

[Scarlet]

Destiny,

I didn't have PP, but I was in a psych ward for 10 weeks when i was 26 weeks pregnant (this time last year). I was suffering from severe anxiety and thought I was going mad and just called an ambulance in the end and admitted myself. I then went on to develop pni after the birth of my son. I was prescribed mood stabilisers as well as ADs. I stopped taking the ADs after 4 months and now things are looking up and life is good.

You have done so well and have come so far in your recovery, I'm sure you will inspire a lot of women on here, and yes it can be done......we are living proof.

[cheshire]

Hi Destiny,

I didn't suffer PP either - but just wanted to call in to say hellox

Hopefulx

[destiny]

Thanks for the hellos...

Odd day today. I've been feeling light in mood and generally quite positive. We left for work late again but for once I didn't let it get to me and the drive in was tension free. Had an okay day at work. Conscious that I've got a lot of catching up to do. Took a while to get focussed but managed to get on top of things and left work feeling as though I'd achieved something for once.

Lunched with OH. He was hard work. I tried to make light of things and chat amiably but it was tough.

Drive home shattered so didn't chat much. Got to grandparents. Luke was a bit tetchy but we put this down to tiredness so no biggy.

OH changed out of his work clothes and headed out to the garden to finish off chores that he'd started last weekend. He was really snappy so I left him to it thinking that he'd be in shortly to help get Luke ready for bed. No such luck. I was left to entertain a tired and hungry toddler, to clear away breakfast dishes, feed the little man, bathe and get him ready for bed then to start on dinner for the 2 of us. OH came in when his stomach started grumbling I guess and asked if I needed a hand. By then I was livid and mumbled a moody reply. He then apologised for being tetchy and took Luke to bed. My mood didn't lift but I accepted and acknowledged the apology.

We ate seperately.

Rest of evening was spent me watching TV and flicking through channels 4 and 5. OH stayed on the computer in the other room.

So that's my update. The dishes are left dirty on the worktop. OH has gone to bed. Luke is fast a sleep. I'm attempting wind down before bed.


x

PS - picked up Agnus Castus from Holland and Barrett. Will start taking the recommend dosage tomorrow.

[destiny]

I passed (reluctantly) Eyes without Sparkle over to me sister to read. I got a message from her saying what a painful but enlightening read it is. I replied asking how far she'd got. She's at the background stage only way before melt down. She mentioned that she'd shed a tear or 2 or 3 but felt that the read was helping her deal with my illness/recovery more. We are building bridges at the moment. My sister had a hard time coping with the hate I directed towards her. I had my first panic attack during one of her visits and it was too much for her to bear. When I was at my worst family and friends actually thought I was play acting and attention seeking. It took a while for them to realise that I was not actually in control. I'm glad I've passed the book over and I'm glad I'm helping her move on and forgive.

x

[cheshire]

Destiny, I really hope things work out well for you and your sister xx
Hopefulx

[destiny]

I have less than 9 days until I get married...

just thought I'd share this. I am excited and a little bit scared but there's no reason for the day to go tits up. I think by nature I am a perfectionist and pile on the stress so over the next few days leading up to the big day I plan to relax and enjoy.

It's been a while since I've visited and it will take ages to catch up so I hope everyone is battling along. I have a visit with my psych doctor when I get back from honeymoon and I think I mentioned in a previous posting that she's pretty impressed by my recovery to date so who knows I may well be discharged from her care. A while back this would have made me feel anxious but now I just want to move on.

I have been conversing intensely with a contact through a friend and fellow PP sufferer - diagnosed 8 years back. We made contact at the end of August. It was great to speak with someone who could relate to my illness and had such a positive outlook on life. I asked how she coped. Her story wasn't rose tinted but she's managed to accept that it happened, no longer place blame, no longer ask why, no longer feel that she's failed as a mother, no longer dwell on the months that she's missed and just get on with life.

I realise now that I have spent far too much time asking why me. The talking has helped but I now feel that I just have to accept that these things happen. She suggested I write down my story then shorten the long winded version down to a few lines.

The shortened story is that anxiety, stress, sleep deprivation, illness and a bad reaction to my hormones tipped me off balance for a while. I now have a healthy son a loving and supportive partner and a great life.

I will continue to take care of myself. Eat well, sleep, relax, exercise and enjoy life and when I feel stressed or unhappy accept that it's a blip and not panic that it's the return of PP or that I'm depressed.

Anyway on the 1st I will be sunning it in the caribbean away from the British abysmal weather.

Take are everyone.

x

[winegirl]

Hi Destiny

Firstly congratualtaions on doing so well! You really are inspirational! Secondly, congrats and good luck with the wedding! I am sure you will have a beautiful day! And thirdly, I hope you enjoy that glorious honeymoon! Caribbean sounds fab!

Thanks for keeping us updated with how you are doing, and yes, definately relax and enjoy this now x

All the best x

Winegirl x

[sianyc]

Good luck with the wedding and have a fab honeymoon - sounds like a dream. Is the little one going too?

[Scarlet]

Destiny,

Wishing you all the best on your big day ~4 days to go.

Have a fab honeymoon, you are an inspiration to all the mums out there suffering. Go have a great time hun and have a carribean rum for me..

Scarlet
X