Vickys diary

[vicky]

I kept a diary when I was in hospital I am a bit scared to re read it I think I need to be a bit stronger first. I think it will upset me I remember the first page began with 10 statements that I didn't believe starting with the key things like having been pregnant, having had a baby etc. Anyhow overall I think it will show that I was completely nuts which I know but don't want to revisit yet.

Anyhow I think maybe a diary might help who knows its worth a try. Lottie is nearly 14 months now. I am on anti depressants and have re started Lithium this week I came off this gradually in April.

How do I feel? Lonely, isolated and so bloody sad. I am sick of myself sick of my moods. I am so up and down I am so angry and then teary. The one mood I don't have is happiness.

My feelings or Lottie are so complicated. I am with her all the time and am very protective of her and am really careful about what she eats and when she sleeps etc and that she has enough play time and fresh air. I have made the decision to put her into nursery from next week for two mornigns a week which makes me feel guilty but I dont think I have much choice. I have my mum come in everyday and she stays with me most of the time until my husband comes back from work. I get panicky on my own with Lottie frightened that i can't settle her or that she will cry. I am frightened that the neighbours will hear her cry (she is very noisy!) and will think I am abusing her and call social services .

Ironically outside of my parents and husband everyone thinks I am "well" now as I did improve feb-may of this year. They don't know that I am still struggling so much as on the surface I seem to cope well.

I want to go back to work but the type of job I did before requires an enhanced medical and record check and when I disclose being in a psyche unit I can't even get an iv for jobs I am qualified and experienced for. My career seems to be in tatters which doesn't help my already low self esteem.

I feel so different I have gone from size 12-18 on te anti psyche meds and lithium. I don't even eat that much which really annoys me I was less than 8 stone 2 days after my daughter!

I am so fed up with myself and tired god knows what my mum and husband feel. I do love Lottie and would do anything for her but I feel so shocked with all the horrible stuff that has happened to me as a result of havign her.

I long for th old life sometimes we had a flat in Bournemouth on the sea front now I have a rural semi. My old social life has diappeared and I dont really have any friends here. I am 27 and feel so so old!

Anyhow enough of me

X

[sianyc]

Hi Vicky

I hope me writing in your diary is ok.

Just to rassure you about the nursery thing really. Mine go 2 days a week (although my eldest goes to school in September ...scary scary) while I go to work.

When they first went, I felt guilty and pleased all at the same time. I wanted to want to be with them all the time and yet I really wanted the independence and separate identity that I find at work. I'm sure she will enjoy being able to play and eat with the other children, I think you're doing something good for you and her. You get a much needed break from being mummy and she will meet lots of little friends.

I've found it really hard to lose weight whilst taking anti-d's. I was on a diet when I got pregnant for the second time and had lost 2 and 1/2 stone. When I had her, I started again, just eating healthily and doing easy exercise like walking. The meds have affected my metabolism I think. I have been dieting for a while now, only lose weight very slowly and have to go for long walks to be able to shift the weight.

Having said that, the exercise perks me up a bit so it's not all bad. The ladies on here have really helped me get the weight thing in perspective. It bothers me that I still have 3 stone to shift but I would prefer that to be struggling with PNI without my meds.

Don't restrict the amount you eat ... I found that this made my PNI worse as it caused my mood swings to be even more erratic. I eat loads of very healthy food, can't really drink alcohol cos of the effect it has on me and walk the streets with a double buggy in a vain attempt to make my bum shrink. It does work, just not as quickly as I'd like :-)

[vicky]

Thanks for the support. I feel a bit pathetic that the weight thing bothers me so much especially when you look at all the other dreadful things that I have said and done this year! We women are so hung up on the strangest thing.

Right back to the diary



I have had a much better day today I started quite tired and down as normal and my husband was poorly so I ended up looking after Lottie from 7am on my own until but I managed to feel much better by the end of the day

[vicky]

its the first time I have managed to turn a bad day into a good day so praps the litium is working. Went blackberry pickign in the woods and evem made a crumble. It was such a sunny day and i really enjoyed sharing it with Lottie who was miserable with a cold but I really enjoyed it must go lap top battery dying!

[winegirl]

Hi Vicky

I am glad your turned around. It sounds like you had a lovely time. I think sometimes getting out of the house and doing these simple things can really make a difference! I hope you have another good one tomorrow x

Winegirl x

[vicky]

Thanks for the support.

Today was a good day too I went our for the day with mum, Lottie and mums friend Sue. She was such a good girl and is really walking now though although her version of a walk is a lot longer and involves lots of stops! She is such a lovely little girl now and is getting to be a real little person now. I do feel guilty about the early weeks and months that I missed out on but I try rationalise it that I have been lucky to be able to stay off work so long Lottie is now 14 months and I plan to stay off now til Jan (if I can find someone willing to employ me!) I am really gutted about the jobs I didn't get am tempted to ask them why i didn't even get an iv but there is no real benefit.

Anyhow have Drs appt tomorrow and review. I do feel much better the last 2 days feel cross with myself really that I didn't admit that I was struggling earlier.

[sianyc]

Snap. It takes a while for me to give in and admit when I'm struggling. At least you've done it now though x

[vicky]

Today has been a hard day my mum is away and we had to wait in all afternoon for the central heating man to come but at least we now have hot water!

The review went ok why are GP's so fascinated with the psychosis. My doctor is really nice but seems so much more interested in the hallucinatios/delusions etc its funny really as this only last about 2 months such a short time in comparison to the depression which just feels so hard still 14 months on. I try not to dwell on this bit too much as I still find them quite shocking. I don't think anyone who hasn't had a psychotic episode would quite understand ow real they are and how convinced you become that your view of the world no matter how wacky adn weird is the real one.

Anyhow i have to sort out my blood tests for the lithium but they are hopeful it will work and thanfully they are not planning to lower the AD's. Not sure how I will ever live without them but I know the time will come but not for a while.

Today was difficult but we coped so feel quite proud of myself.

[winegirl]

Hi Vicky

Well done on getting through today. It's a great sign that you can cope on a day that you admit was difficult.

Glad things went well with the GP, wishing you all the best with it.

We are here when you need us x

Winegirl x

[vicky]

Found today quite stressful I think we were a bit ambitous and tried to do too much. Went into town emt my sister in law and nephew, did the weekly shop, saw the mother in law all pm and then had other sister in law for dinner. Had a few moments where it all felt too much but overall I suppose I have achieved alot. its nice to have the xtra help on weekends i always feel more relaxed with Matt around and not so panicky. Its funny but even now i get very wound up at sleep time in case I can;t settle Lottie weird really as she is such a good girl and rarely plays us up. I suppose its just panic and will hopefully ease with time.

[sianyc]

By bedtime I've used up all my energy and patience (not much - lol) and dread them playing up cos I think I'll lose it. By that time, I just want some quiet to eat my dinner and chill.

[vicky]

I feel really down again today. It sometimes feels like I am on the outside looking in i see everyone playing with Lottie and enjoying being with her and it just seems that if I wasn't there the picture would still be just the same with everyone having fun. I suppose i just still feel so left out. We went to the park and there were some other mums there with their babies who we have met and mother and toddler groups and they ignored me. It probably meant nothing to them but thats how i feel sometimes like i'm just so unimportant to these people that they can't even say hi. I even know their kids names and ages how sad is that! I'm not sure if they even noticed me or not. I'm sure their lives etc aren't that straightforward but i bet its not as complicated and difficult as mine feel. Why do I get so intimidated by other mums they always seem so much more in control than I am . I always feel like what i'm doing isn't right or good enough. I want so badly to be a good mum but I feel like the worst parent in the world some days. I just wish i didn't get so angry with my husband too he is trying so hard and i am totally irrational most of the time. Mind you I was probably a moody cow before all this but I am su much worse now. Lets hope tomorrow is a better day for us all.

[vicky]

Another bad day hardly wanted to touch Lottie. She is such a special little girl feel so bad that I can't be the mum she deserves. Matt was really understanding and took over all dy which gave me a break. Lets hope tomorrow is better.

[winegirl]

Hi Vicky

Sorry you have had a bad day. It's great thatMatt could help out so you could have a bit of a break from it all! Don't feel bad about not spending time with your little one. There are days when you really want to be with her and they are the days to hang on to. In the depths of this illness you need some time on your own, so don't feel bad.

I hope tomorrow is better for you x

Winegirl x

[sianyc]

I think winegirl said it all but I agree x