|
Post by carlie on Sept 16, 2007 20:45:38 GMT
Well i started writing a diary at home but iv kind of neglected it so i thought as i spend most evenings on this site i may aswell start one in here! I think im goin to write 'my story so far' and put it on here, maybe it will help to get it all out. Im still a long long way from being better so my story is far from over but i hope one day i will get over it. Today me ,my lo and oh went to my dads for a bbq. My lo had us up in the nite from 3.30am til 5am- not sure why as she has slept thro since she was 4 months (shes now 9 months). I think maybe she is teething. I feel guilty cos im so short fused in the nite, it really irritates me if she wakes me up as i really need my sleep. Luckily i have a really great partner who will get up in the mornin and leave me to lay in! My mood has been ok ish today, i didnt feel really low but not really good either. Its kind of really flat at the moment. Physically today i felt ok until about 5pm, then i started to get a headache and feel really faint. It jus comes on all of a sudden for no reason- i dont understand it. i am so worried i have something seriously wrong with me like a brain tumour. In past i though i had mouth cancer, stomach cancer and that i was becoming paralysed from the epidural i had. I had my first physcotheropy appointment on friday. He seems to think alot of my issues and behavours are linked to my step fathers way of bringing me up. Its all pretty hard to get my head round. But he has offered me 6 sessions to talk thro things. Im really worried that opening up things lke this may tip me over the edge. Maybe im not strong enough yet to deal with all the things that r goig to be bought up. I guess ill never know til i try. well iv kinda lost wat i was saying its all just kinda come out. Im really tired so im gonna leave it there for tonite. I hope tomorrow is a good day=nt that they usually are. I prey for this to hurry and leave me alone.
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Sept 17, 2007 7:07:33 GMT
Hi Carlie
I am glad you have decided to start a diary on here. Do you mind if we post in it? Please ay if youw ould rather we didnt.
I think physcotherapy can initially make things a bit harder sometimes as you begin to get to the root of the problems, but it will be well worth it in the long run, so yes, I think you should definately give it a try.
I hope today is bit better for you x
Winegirl x
|
|
|
Post by kirsti on Sept 17, 2007 18:09:12 GMT
hi carlie
i agree with winegirl it can be hard to start with ...But nothing has ever done anyone any good by keeping it bottled up ... It always leads to you lashing out cause you can only keep it in for so long ... i know i tried it and it broke me ... What we have is an illness .. ihave come through it and am nwo on the other side !! it can be beaten .
Do not dwell on the past that tends to make things a whoel lot worse ... You think was it something i done ? if i done it diffrent would that nto have happened ? this is not your fault so never ever blame yourself . you;'ll come through this like so many other people have
keep your head up adn think PMA!!!!
Positive Mental Attitude !! thats what got me to where i am today and the AD's lmao !!
Kirsti xx
|
|
|
Post by carlie on Sept 18, 2007 9:35:28 GMT
i wrote and poured out loads in here last nite and its not here, bit confused. not writing it again
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Sept 18, 2007 9:52:39 GMT
Hi Carlie
I Have checked your last few posts on your member details and cannot find any that you put in here yesterday. I am really sorry that you made such a big effort to write things down to lose it again!
Could you try again today? It may be very theraputic for you and we all want to offer you support.
I know you are feeling bad as it is coming up to that time of the month also, I hope it comes quickly for you hun x
Winegirl x
|
|
|
Post by cheshire on Sept 18, 2007 10:15:18 GMT
Hi Carlie
Just to reassure you that your post is not elsewhere on the board - or deleted, moved etc. For some reason it mustn't have 'posted' on the forum.
How are you today?
Hopefulx
|
|
|
Post by carlie on Sept 18, 2007 19:37:50 GMT
well me being dappy wrote in here and didnt post it properly yesterday. really annoying cos loads came out naturally and now i cant remember exactly wht i wrote or how i worded it. Today been up and down. woke up feelin pants, struggled to get out of bed. my oh made me get up and go into town. the whole time i felt dizzy and like i was gona throw up. got a phobia of bein sick in public so started to panic. been feelin rough all day, feel a bit fluey but no runny nose like a head cold and got tummy ache and feel sick. not sure if its a bug or the pni, i can never tell! got my 2nd theropy session on thursday, im not sure if its gonna help or hinder me really. is it healthy to bring work thro issues when u are goin thro pni? or could it jus make things worse. when i was 17 i had depression for the first time. it seemed to appear from nowhere. I was painfully shy. When i met my oh it took a year before i could sleep in same bed as him or eat in front of him. I would say he could stay ove but when it got to it and we got into bed i would panic, i never understood why. The theropist has made links about the way i was directly back to my step father. i wrote about this yesterday but i dont know how or where to start! maybe il give it a go tomorrow. hope tomorrow is a better day
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Sept 18, 2007 19:43:01 GMT
Hi Carlie
Totally sympathise with you hun, and really hope tomorrow is better for you too. I like the fact that you said you couldnt eat in fron of your OH when you first got together, neither could I! Thought it was just me!
Fingers crossed tomorrow is ok for you x
Winegirl x
|
|
|
Post by carlie on Sept 18, 2007 20:09:23 GMT
so here goes.......... my mum and dad split up when i was 4. my mum rmet my step dad when i was five so hes been in my life since then. i lived with m mum and step dad. later they married, my dad also re married and had 2 kids with my step mum. My step dad was a very affectionate man, always full of cuddles and kisses. I was bought up to be very open and honest by my mum and step dad so i could talk to them about anything. During my teens from 12 onwards my step dad would always make comments about the size of my boobs, how big they were getting etc. He would grab my bum and say phwor! I was always told by my mum tht this was ok and normal tht he over steps the mark sometimes as he knows no boundaries but tht it was ok.so this is what i believed. there was an occasion when i was 15, i had a friend come to stay. mum and step dad took us to a weddin reception, we had a few to drink!!! when we got home mum passed out and me and my friend went to bed feelin rough!! in nite i got up and down to loo feelin sick. my step dad heard and came into my room and sat on edge of my bed tickling my back, it really didnt feel right it made me feel really uncomfortable. He kept askin my friend to go downstairs and watch tv with him and sleep in the spare room. I have recently been told by my friend she remembers me sayin he kept brushin past my boobs whn ticklin me. I remember tellin mum about it and tht i didnt like it, she assured me he meant nothin by it 'thts jus him he oversteps the mark but nothin meant by it' i used to tel mum i didnt like him cuddling me, i thought tht was jus cos he wast my dad. im not for one mim sayin he abused me cos he didnt,but as a father figure the way he spoke to me and things he did tht iv described were not right. im only jus beginnin to realise this. then one nite wen i was 16 my step cousin came to stay,mum was away. he took us to the pub, had a few to drink. wen we walked home, me and cousin walked either side of him and he had his hands down our trousers on our bare bums. again we both thought,its ok thts jus him he means no harm. i now think its discusting behavour. anyway wen we got back he told me to go up to bed and my cousin would follow with a drink. ten mins later no sign, so i called down and she came up. i got into bed and she got into the bed id made up on the floor. my step dad came in and asked to watch tv with us, i said ok for a while so he lay next to my cousin. after a while i asked him to leave which he did. Now thts all i recall of tht nite. 2 years later wen we were 18 it came out tht she said he came bk into the room while i was sleepin and did things to her against her will. my theropist has linked alot of how i am back to these events and even thinks i mat have blocked out memories i dont know what to believe about tht nite, who is tellin the truth and im rackin my brains to try rememeber somethin. i jus cant seem to, i need closure, i need to know who this man really is. well thts it for now i dont know how or where to end this really except to say i intend to try find the truth
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Sept 19, 2007 9:34:56 GMT
Hi Carlie
How awful I am so sorry. I find it shocking also that you spoke to your mother about these incidents and she told you it was ok!
Finding the truth might be difficult for you as it brings alot of emotions to the surface, but I guess you need some sort of closure with this so can understand your need to do so.
Do you think about it much now? So sorry you had to go through that x
Winegirl x
|
|
|
Post by carlie on Sept 19, 2007 9:52:17 GMT
hi winegirl, thanx for ur response. Im worried tht therapy is gonna make me bad. My step dad has told me thth all they do is f**k with ur head and feel it with crap! is he right? or is he worried tht im tslkin thro an event tht he knows happened but has denied for years? im confused about tht! Its always been a doubt burried deep at back of my mind about whether he did it, but as my mum was ripped apart by the accusations at the time i backed her 100% and said i was sure he would never do tht. I was backin him up i was tryin to do the right thing for my mum. U see i dont see it as a huge deal to go thro, this is what the problem is bcos i dont accept tht he meant anythin by the comments and touchy feely stuff. I was bought up with this man from age of four and to me thats jus him its his way and he means no harm. My first session has stured all this to the surface as he is tellin me its not ok for a parent figure to behave in this mannor. im very confused about this. Iall i know is tht when he hugs me it doesnt feel like a safe protective fatherly hug, but a bit creepy. it always has done and iv never known why. the theropist jus seemed to relate so much back to how he was with me in my developing years. but is he jus fillin my head with crap like my step dad says? xx
|
|
|
Post by carlie on Sept 19, 2007 19:19:58 GMT
Today i struggled to get out of bed. still feel like im comin down with a fluey type cold but who knows it may be the pni. i keep thinkin i feel rough all the time cos i have cancer somewhere and the gp is missing it! well i managed to go to the gym this afternoon and felt a little better afterwards. My lo started crawling which was lovely, made me smile. got a massive pile of ironin done i hate doin it but its done now, until next week anyway wen il have another massive pile to do!! iv started a diet, countin calories. im size 12 but gradually creepin to a size 14 which i dont want. before i fell pregnant i was a size 16 the after i had her i went to a size 10 due to the pni! since bein on meds i seem to jus eat all the time, i never feel full! its wierd! anyway, got theropy again tomorrow and im gonna ask if he thinksits right thing to be doin right now. all i have done since first session is rack my brains over tht nite with my step dad. its kinda taken over my life its all i think about. surely thtss not healthy! wil see wat he says anyway. hope tomorrow is an ok day, i wont say a good day cos i cant remember wat they r!
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Sept 19, 2007 19:24:26 GMT
Carlie
Good luck with the therapy tomorrow. Pls dont listen to what your step dad says about it being a load of crap. of course he wont want you to go because he is probably worried about what you are going to say!
I hope getting some stuff of your chest helps. Will be thinking of you x
Winegirl x
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Sept 20, 2007 19:48:16 GMT
Hi Carlie
Just wondering how you got on today? Been thinking of you x
Winegirl x
|
|
|
Post by carlie on Sept 20, 2007 21:17:23 GMT
hey winegirl today went ok thank you. I am going to go to all the sessions, i am determined to face and deal with and hopefully move on from the past. I really feel if i dont do the theropy i will never b able to grow and develop into the person i want to be. my step dad and to some degree my mum have really had an affect on my self worth, and my trust in myself. meanin my instice and gut feelin about him i think was right but bein told it was ok for so many years has made me not trust myself. i wont go into everythin i do in theropy, i dont need to. but i feel good tht im doin it and determined to deal with it. im sure its gonna be a rocky road but hey if one day i can be the strong independant woman i want to be then its all worth it. i really believe in some ppl depression can be made worse by issues not dealt with so im gonna deal with mine! thnx for the support winegirl x
|
|