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Post by carlie on Jan 16, 2008 19:30:31 GMT
hi winegirl and scarlet, thank you for ur kind positve words. Yesterday i had my last physcotheropy appointment and they thinkim jus havin a blip. i sat and cried for the whole hour but felt better for it! id been needin to do it for a while. Two weeks iv been feelin awful. Today i feel a little better,anxiety is still there but my mood has picked up a bit today. Its very scary havin these blips cos it petrifies me tht im gettin really ill again. As for medication i will never increase it, iv gone a year now on the dose im on and managed, i know from previous experience how bad the ones im on are to come off! so i will not increase them bcos tht will make it even harder for me in the long run as i have a big fear of comin off them. Im gonna post in the physical symptoms bit as this heart flutter im experiencin is startin to worry me. For the time being im back to takin each day at a time, iv put my support network back in place, im writin down my thoughts and feelings and usin the skills i learned at day hospital. I hope this blip ends soon, fingers crossed. carlie x
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Post by winegirl on Jan 16, 2008 20:36:30 GMT
Hi Carlie
My fingers are crossed for you mate x You are doing really well, I know its hard to see that sometimes so I thought I would remind you!!!
Wil check out your post in Physical Symptoms section
WG xx
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Post by Scarlet on Jan 17, 2008 8:31:42 GMT
Hi Carlie,
Ride it out hun, the blip will go, and you will NEVER go back to those early days.
Gonna have a look at what you wrote about your heart flutter, although I think it's perhaps anxiety, as I've had it myself.
Take care,
Love Scarlet X
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Post by carlie on Jan 17, 2008 19:22:49 GMT
thanx winegirl and scarlet. I went to kids play centre today, have had an okish day. feel a bit better than i have been feeling. Have been havin the heart thing again this evenin and its worse when i start to think about it. Goin to the docs next wednesday just for peace of mind as i think it prob is anxiety. all for tonite as havin a nite off the comp and chillin on the sofa! hope tomorrow is an ok day. fingers crossed. x
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Post by winegirl on Jan 17, 2008 20:20:32 GMT
Hope you have a lovely night chilling hun, and hope the go appt goes ok next week. I am certain it will all be fine. Try to relax babes and enjoy yourself tonight x
WG x
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Post by carlie on Jan 21, 2008 22:16:18 GMT
well i think im still havin a blip altho the days r getttin slightly more managable again. I either ave a really bad day where i feel i cant cope (i call this a red day) or i have a day where i dont feel great but can manage (yellow day) or very rarely at the min a day where i feel ok (green day). At the moment most of my days r yellow. Im sure the miserable weather is havin a big affect, so much so im lookin into gettin a light box. The other day it was sunny and i woke up feelin so much brighter, i actually had a green day! I have found colour coding my days relly usefull as i dont often want to talk about how i feel so if my oh wants to know how i am i use the colours. Tht way he knows how i feel without me havin to explain! My physcotheropy has ended noow after 6 sessions and my care co ordinator is dischargin me in the next few weeks as she feels i am doin al i can to help myself and she cant do anymore. I am worried tht i may need more talkin theropy and if i dont have any tht i will take longer to recover fully? I feel like im just ploddin thro each day, i just exist and i dont know who i am alot of the time. I also know i love my daughter but sometimes i question if i feel how i should feel about her. I dont have this overwhelming feelin of love for her like ur meant to. Sometimes i think i would not care if someone else looked after her and i geot on with my own life? i wonder if i would care or not? I feel really guilty for thinkin these things and am so worried it will affect my long term relationship with her. Its been 13 months now iv had this it lasting so long and seems like its never goin to end. I want it to end so badly, i thought by now i would be better especially with meds. when i had depression when i was younger i got better alot quicker with the same dosage im on now. It makes no sense. all for now x
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Post by Scarlet on Jan 22, 2008 8:51:28 GMT
Hi Carlie, I found that blips didn't go away straight away for me, it would take me a few 'yellow' days to get back on track again. Another lady colour coded her days as well, and her good days were 'pink'. I often say I'm having a pink day as it's sort of stuck. It's a good idea. I have lots of yellow days though hun. I agree that the weather is sooo miserable and grey and it doesn't help. Yesterday was apparently the most depressing day of the year ~ what a sobering thought, I felt it as well myself How are you feeling now that your psychotherapy sessions have ended. Did you find them useful? Can you speak to your doc or care coordinator and tell her you feel that 6 sessions were not enough and you would benefit from some more. I feel like im just ploddin thro each day, i just exist and i dont know who i am alot of the time. This is very normal hun, and your days will be like this whilst you recover with some reprieve until they mostly are good days. I also know i love my daughter but sometimes i question if i feel how i should feel about her. I dont have this overwhelming feelin of love for her like ur meant to. Also normal for PNI. I didn't acknowledge my LO was mine for ages and it wasn't until recently that I felt a bond with him and I no longer analyse my feelings for him. I remember waking up and looking at him feeling numb and saying to myself "Do I really love you". After a while I was able to accept feeling this way and it lifted a bit. A milestone for me is when my LO started walking. How old is your LO Carlie? Sometimes i think i would not care if someone else looked after her and i geot on with my own life? i wonder if i would care or not? I feel really guilty for thinkin these things and am so worried it will affect my long term relationship with her. I understand what you mean, it's understandable that you are worried, but in the future you wil have a lovely mother/daughter relationship with her. My son is 16 months now and a very cheeky little imp, always laughing. In fact he's a lot happier than my non-PNI baby was at his age, so I know he's going to be fine. Its been 13 months now iv had this it lasting so long and seems like its never goin to end. I want it to end so badly, i thought by now i would be better especially with meds. when i had depression when i was younger i got better alot quicker with the same dosage im on now. It makes no sense.When you were younger and had depression, you didn't have a baby to look after. PNI is doubly hard in my opinion and you are doing so well. I'm in my 19 month now, and although i see the light very well, I still have a little way to go myself. Keep talking Carlie, we are here when you need us. Love Scarlet X
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Post by winegirl on Jan 22, 2008 18:45:48 GMT
Hi Carlie
I think that PNI affects a bodies in different ways to ordinary depression and that is why it can tend to go on for longer. I think the light box is a good idea. I have a friend who has one and swears by it. But they can be a bit pricey, so if you want to try one first you can hire them on a monthly basis to see how you feel about them before you think about actually buying one.
How has today been for you today hun? I really hope it has been a green day xx
WG x
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Post by carlie on Jan 23, 2008 21:58:25 GMT
hi scarlet and winegirl, thank you so much for writing in here. it really helps to have ppls input. Scarlet ur words of kidness, and knowledge of this illness r great to read. It really helps to have someone hellp to rationalise what i feel sometimes, and when i read it i know u r so right in what u say. Today has been a green day! yaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!!! I have a wonderfull friend who i met on the netmums site four months ago who i feel iv known a lifetime. we spent the whole day together and i cooked us both dinner. Scarlet, now my theropy has ended i feel ok about it. I feel maybe i could do with some councilin, thts not so intense as what i was having. I could ask for more of the physcotheroy but i feel this type of theropy is only meant to be short term otherwise u could have it foreve if u went over every little part of ur life! I would end up seein him for the rest of my life if i analysed every little thing (which i tend to do ). My lo is 13 months, she started walkin at 11 months. I know what u mean about it bein a milestone i remember feeling so pround, iv never felt so proud of anythin in my life before. It waas an amazing feelin and i could not stop smiling! Altho its bloody hard work now lol!! Its great to hear u see the light scarlet! It gives me hope! My mum is visiting from spain, she got back tonite and is here for a week. Its lovely to see her but hard when she goes again! I feel a little abandoned by her to be honest i know tht is selfish as she has her own life to live too. I often feel cos she is not around like i dont have a mum! I was so needy and dependant on her tht its a shock not havin her around, i actually have to be independant which is scary and somethin im not used to! Im used to bein the baby thts looked after! Thing is my oh has taken on tht role of lookin after me, its been like tht for 5 years and now im changin i dont want tht. I want us to be equals i dont want him to be like a father figure but its hard to change after so long. I kind of feel like our relationship has come to a very sticky point as i have different needs now and dont know how to make things change. I dont know if tht makes sense, the whle story would take days to write!!! all for now x
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Post by cheshire on Jan 24, 2008 17:07:53 GMT
Hi Carlie - so glad to hear you had a green day They will keep comingxx
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Post by winegirl on Jan 24, 2008 20:49:51 GMT
Hi Carlie Great news on having a green day! I hope you have a lovely time with your Mum whilst she is visiting and make the most of her wanting to babysit her granchild! Take Care WG x
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Post by monica on Jan 24, 2008 22:06:06 GMT
Hi Carlie
It's beena while since I posted in your diary. I'm sorry you had a horrible blip but so pleased things have started to pick up and you've had a green day today!
I've definately noticed that with and since having PNI I feel worse once late autumn and winter arrive and the weather is miserable. I'm definately perkier in spring/summer. I've been thinking about light box so let me know how you get on!
Take care
Monica
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Post by carlie on Jan 30, 2008 21:24:00 GMT
not written for a few days as mum has been here from spain for a week to visit. Was ok i guess, didnt get to spend any quality time with her as she was rushin around like a headless chicken doin things (jus divorced my step dad). I was jus followin her around town while she doin things (great!) I dont feel like shes a mum anymore, its really wierd and hard to explain. My nan is more like a mum to me i think. I guess im kinda confused as to wat a mother role should be! my mum was always drunk, and when she was she was over the top big time with the whole 'oh my baby i love u' strokin my face and treatin me like a child! then when sober she kept her distance worked alllllllllll the time and showed no emotion, then have a drink and call me crying about somethin or another. Well now she has left my step dad and moved abroad to be with another man she is happier than ever,hardly drinks and blames the old her on bein unhappy. But shes gone! where does tht leave me? with issues about how she was! shes ok now but shes left me with lots of felings and one is tht shes abandoned me i guess. Its hard to explain, its good shes happy but its as if she doesnt know how much of an affect she had on me and now all of a sudden everythin is roses for her and i dont know what kind of relationship we r meant to have? feel like i dont know who she is! god i have rambled. other than tht i dont feel to bad, havin mainly yellow days. due on this week so im a bit irritable and physically feel a bit rubbish but il live! all for now x
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Post by carlie on Feb 4, 2008 21:18:14 GMT
im strugglin a little with some physical things at the min, im goin to post in the physical symptoms section after as i could do with some reasurance. Im hoping its just anxiety but i am going back to worryin about my health again. This was a big problem at the beginnin of my pni, i was in the doctors once a week with something or another. For about 4 months tht all stopped, altho iv not been to the doctors the worries about my health seem to be coming back,. I am trying to fight them tho. The last symptom was the heart flutters and since postin on here in phywical symptoms and havin reasurance from u guys iv not had any since. Thank you ladies!
Feelin a bit low about my weight at the min so i started the specail k 2 week challenge today! also me and a friends did a work out dvd! im knackeed tonite after doin tht!
Im so tired all the time, its a horrid feeling!
anyway off to physical symptoms bit x
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Post by winegirl on Feb 5, 2008 18:14:17 GMT
Hi Carlie
Will go and check out the Physical Symptoms section. Hope today has been closer to green for you???
WG x
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