Smiley's diary

[Scarlet]

How did the weekend go hun?

[smiley]

Hi all

Well this will be a long post! ;D

Put it this way alot of things went my way and I think god was looking out for me. All in all the weekend was a success for me and I am very very pleased. Most of the pni symptoms did NOT rear their ugly head. Thank god for that and I actually enjoyed some parts of the weekend. Thats not to say I was slightly on edge but that was manageable and nothing compared to what I have been thr previously with the anxious palpitations, headches, nausea etc

We decided to travel on saturday morning rather than friday night - good for me as that meant we are only away for 1 night. It took us longer to get there due to traffic and I wont deny I was secretly pleased - (hopefully, when I am better this will not be how I feel). Got there and I was actually quite happy about the attention baby was getting rather than feeling threatened. I felt quite proud showing him off - all good normal mummy signs!

My therapist had asked me to to try using the 'acting as if' concept. This means to act as if you are happy doing something ie pretend, so that you lessen anxiety. I think I did try that by acting as if I was happy to be there and acting as if I got on with certain people (ie asking them questions even thu I didnt really want to) and I think it worked quite well for me. My therapist had also talked about the cost-benefit for me, if I decided I was not going to make the effort with something. So I think unconsciously, I was thinking its in MY best interest to make the effort ie so I can have a good time with people I am spending the weekend with even if I do not get on with them. Rather than thinking I am not talking to anyone etc.

I cant believe how fast some of the things I have discussed with my therapist are sinking into my thought process. I really hope its not just the novelty of therapy but a life long change in my thinking because it is really making me happy. Another thing that has had a big impact on me in the therapy session is when we talked about how I cant stand it when I cant get on with someone and I get really distressed and think that it is a reflection on me as a person and that it means I am a bad person. I think its because I have a strong desire to please people and seek their approval all the time to reinforce my self esteem and when I dont get that I am in pieces. The therapist drew a vertical continium line and labelled one end 'getting on with someone fantastically, the middle 'getting on with someone ok' and the other end 'not getting on'. She pointed out to me that everyone has people on different sides of the line and it doesnt mean they are a bad person and that its ok to have people on the end that says 'not getting on'. This really had a huge impact on me, as throughout the weekend my confidence was boosted by thinking this way and I didnt feel bad that I dont get on with certain people.

I think I was kind of 60% of where I wanted to be and that is good enough for me and I am proud of myself. I must admit although I allowed them to care for baby alittle I was controlling that aspect quite alot especially the feeding and the changing but I hope this will improve as time goes on. Also I just could not sleep as I kept thinking about things and how well I had done. This led to an overactive mind! Also in the morning hubbys sisters came into my room (they thought I was still asleep and would like a lie in) and took baby downstairs (he was awake). This made me feel uncomfortable and I didn't like that. But it didn't make feel too out of control.

I feel as though I am getting better all the time although I am not 100% I hope I will be soon.

Smiley
xx

[Bobyn]

Oh Smiley, your post really cheered me up. I'm glad it went well for you this weekend. You sound so happy and positive. x

[smiley]

Hi all

Having an ok day and have not been obsessing about the weekend and stuff in general too much!

Little un is teething and I am finding it very hard to cope - he cries constantly and wants me all the time. I think he is in quite alot of pain. I dont know if I am finding it harder as I have pni or not or do mums in general find it hard? Sometimes I wish there was a volume button you could switch off! I love him to pieces but its hard listening to all that whingeing all day long. Also hubby is workign long hours and I have no-one to offload him on in the evenings. Oh well I will have to get thr it with my inner strength.

This week is quite stressful for me as I have my appeal hearing with work tomorrow afternoon and then going to that pni support group on thursday for the first time. Thinking about the latter is making me feel worse. Are you supposed to feel bad before you feel better just like therapy?? Feel like abit of loser having to go and expose my feelings to all but then I think at last I will be meeting mums going thr the same thing. It will help to lessen the resentment I feel towards mums without pni.

Looking forward to weekend and therapy session next week.

Smiley xx

[Scarlet]

Having an ok day and have not been obsessing about the weekend and stuff in general too much!

This is fab news, will be back to respond tomorrow cos I'm burning dinner as we speak, and hubbys about to walk through the door.
;D

Love and hugs

Scarlet
X

[Bobyn]

Good luck for Thursday Smiley. Let us know how you get on. Some days I wish there was a PNI group like that nearby but then others times I feel like you and think I don't want to go and open up to others. I bet once you get there it'll help though and it'll be great to meet other Mums closeby who know how you feel and you can meet up with on a bad day.

As for teething, I don't think thats easy for anyone! I had an NCT group of 7 of us and I was the only one with PNI, but definitely not the only one who was pulling out there hair at teething time! Let us know how you get on with the work appeal hearing tomorrow, I'll be thinking of you. xx

[Scarlet]

Hi Smiley,

Put it this way alot of things went my way and I think god was looking out for me.

Yep he most certainly was and I am glad you had a good weekend.

My therapist had also talked about the cost-benefit for me, if I decided I was not going to make the effort with something.

I think this a good idea. In recovery you need to always use what resources are available to aid your own recovery (selfish as it sounds), whether that be the counselling, posting on here, being with friends, or even with your hubbys family. Despite your ups and downs with them, anything that can distract you from your PNI is in YOUR best interest and most certainly is a cost benefit to you in the long run.

I cant believe how fast some of the things I have discussed with my therapist are sinking into my thought process. I really hope its not just the novelty of therapy but a life long change in my thinking because it is really making me happy.

I do think it will be life changing and it eill reinforce your way of thinking so that you get rid of this terrible illness for good.

I think its because I have a strong desire to please people and seek their approval all the time to reinforce my self esteem and when I dont get that I am in pieces.

I know exactly what you mean here, being a 'people pleaser'. A friend of mine who is also suffering, mentioned the same and I think for the most part that I am like this as well (although getting better ). I'm glad the therapist boosted your confidence levels as it most certainly is true that we can't please everybody all of the time, no matter how hard we try, nor should we want to... You are you, and if folks don't like what they see, then let them walk, their loss..that's the way I see thingd these days.

I think I was kind of 60% of where I wanted to be and that is good enough for me and I am proud of myself.

60% is good and you should be proud becasue you have come so far.

I feel as though I am getting better all the time although I am not 100% I hope I will be soon.

100% will come with a bit more time, as you need to reinforce all what you've learned from the therapist and resolve all the issues and tie up the lose ends in your mind.. You are well on the way though hun. Great guns!!!!

Love and hugs

Scarlet
X

[smiley]

Hi guys

Thanks for your responses I know 'us' mothers are always fighting with time and I am touched that you take the time to reply to my diary.

Bobyn, I have serious doubts about this group. I dont really want to go and feel I am dragging myself there. Maybe its too much to be doing it with christmas stress, works stress and therapy going on. Its making me feel quite down the thought of going there and having to leave little en in creche while I sit with in a support group session. I feel really stressed as it is without this addtional burden. But then I think maybe I should just go to one and get it out of my system! I feel scared to walk in and find someone I know there or something! I feel this is my private truama and I dont want to share it with strangers. The woman I met last week kept going on about how I am entering a 6 week contract for sessions! Someone with pni cant make that sort of commitment! Especially, when we dont know where our heads are from day to day! Lets see how I feel tomorrow morning.

Scarlett thanks for your lovely response to my weekend feedback - yes I was happy how I felt and dealt with things and I know this will go from strength to strength but it will take time. 100% recovery feels so far away.

Little en was teething really badly yesterday and having tantrums. I just left in the room and cried and cried on the stairs. Some of pni symptoms came back ie feelings I cant cope, I am bad mum, felt like hitting him etc but then I went back in and dealt with him. I am trying to think of it as a normal motherhood stress rather than a situation I failed in. I have been abit down ever since.

Work thing 2 day went pretty crap I know they will say no and I am sitting here without a job to go back to. I will just have to start looking for a new job at a place that is nicer to working mums than they are.. At the moment the thought of leaving baby really frightens me..

I just feel like I am slave to my highs and lows, my ok times and blips. I still cant quite get over what happened to me and why it happened and is still happening. All I ever wanted to do was be a normal mum and not have to wait to get better from this illness before I could feel like a normal mum. I watched abit of that programme on monday 'help me love my baby' and I so understood how she felt. When she said 'at times like this I feel like killing myself' I cried some silent tears for her.

When and why did life get so hard?

Smiley

xx

[smiley]

Hi

Went to the support group and wasnt too bad in the end. It was definately helpful to meet other mums in the same situation and acknowledging that you are not suffering alone and this illness is quite common. Some of these women were successful career women which made me think it could really happen to anyone. I havent failed as a mother by 'catching' this illness.

I dont think I will be going again though. I think working with my therapist is helping me more. Although it was good to meet the other ladies I was not impressed with the creche facilities at all. The children's room was quite dirty and there was children there who were running about with snotty noses! yuk. I dont want my baby to catch their colds! I know this sounds snotty (pardon the pun!) but the centre is quite run down. It made me realise how little funding there is for pni and how no-one really cares what happens to us suffering mums on a local level.

Smiley

[Scarlet]

Could you keep in contact with some of the other mums Smiley hun. Did you connect with any of them? I know what you mean about the creche facilities. I probably would have been the same, especially with my first son as I was definitely like this. Was there someone supervising the kids?

[Bobyn]

Hi Smiley,
I know what you mean about it all feeling a bit much at the moment with christmas, work and the therapy as well as the support group wanting your time and commitment. You know what's right for you, trust your instincts if you feel the therapy is helping you.
Hope you did meet some people there that helped even if you don't see them again by making you realise that anyone from any walk of life can get the horrible PNI and you're not a bad Mum or person for having it afflicting you.
I, too, have been a slave to the ups and downs this week and have to keep remembering that it does get better and all stages of baby and childhood are just a phase. The teething will pass - hopefully sooner rather than later

[smiley]

Hi guys

Yes I was thinking I would like to keep in touch with some of the mums and I will ring the co-ordinator about that. The supervision seemed ok but the play area was dirty and I didnt like that. I have been to other centres with creches and they take their shoes off for the play mats but here everyone had shoes on. Its not what I expected and I dont feel comfortable leaving my baby there.

I think I have started thinking I am doing too much to get BETTER and forcing a 100% recovery. Maybe, I should relax and let it take its natural course. From the start, I have done this and done that to get better and putting myself under immense pressure to face my fears. I am not saying this hasnt helped but maybe I am doing just enough now.

Smiley

[winegirl]

Hi Smiley

Makes sense to me hun. Perhaps exactly what you need is to take a bit of pressure off yourself and relax as much as you can. I found my saving grace to be loads of sleep!

WG x

[Scarlet]

Hi Smiley,

I know what you mean about trying too hard to get well.
I also have pressurised myself to face my fears and it has worked for me to a certain extent. When I came out of hospital I feared going out, so I immediately got my coat on and went out. I was terrified that the illness would get the better of me at one time. But as I've recovered more, it's been easier to just let it ride and accept it and not worry so much and this has worked also.

I think you have to go with how you feel at the time. Some days you'll find that you want to try hard at distracting yourself, and other days you'll feel able to accept it, relax a bit, and generally go with the flow and let it ride. For you to be able to analyse and actually say that you have done too much and acknowledge that you should perhaps ease off a bit and let nature take it's course shows that you have come a long way hun.

Love and hugs

Scarlet
X

[smiley]

The co ordinator rang today and was sad to hear that I didnt want to come anymore. She did agree the creche wasnt up to scratch. She said I should have a think about it over christmas and talk to her in the new year. I agreed. She then rang back and said she has spoken to the nursery manager and given her feedback on the creche which they would do something about. We left at me thinking it over til the new year.

Today is another challenging day with lttle un still teething. i feel at my wits end with no help from anyone. Such times would try the patience of a saint and I am not a saint! Hubby and I have chatted about putting little un in a nursery for 1 day so I can have one day to myself as hubby is not really around in the week. I am anxious about this and feel like I am deserting my baby but on the other I feel like I will go crackers. I feel like abit of a failure who cant even look after her own baby and needs outside help.

Smiley