justmes diary

[justme31]

feel like shit!! thats all i ever come on here and say!! went to c the pyschotherapist yesterday feel like am gettin more help from her then from the docs and that so thats a result.... she keep tellin me that obssessional thoughts can b this bad and that i aint schizo... y cant i just believe her. i always come out of her seein her thinkin yeah but u dont know how i feel.. can it really b just pni and ocd. am findin the thoughts and the feelin of bein in a dream hard to manage and i feel so confused its hard to think straight. when is this gunna start to get better?

[Scarlet]

Hi Justme,

I was the same as you hun. I questioned my psychiatrist all the time, and told him he misdiagnosed me and that it wasn't anxiety or depression...it was a lot worse, not that depression/anxiety isn't bad enough mind but I just couldn't believe it, because I expected depression to feel a whole lot different to how I felt, I never realised with depression/anxiety you felt consumed with worries and terrible thoughts..

Like you I also felt that they were sitting on the outside and they didn't know what was going on in my head, and just telling me what they'd learned in a textbook...and I still think to this day, that they have no idea really, unless of course they have been there. But, yes it will get better JM, and the numbness/dream-like state will get less intense and you will have more good moments...

Here for you

Hugs

xxxxx

[winegirl]

Hi JM

How has the rest of today been for you hun? You really do sound just like me a year ago, and i never thought I would get better! I guess I struggled with how long it took and how gradual it was, i just expected to wake up one day and feel normal!

If you are about tonight i will be on and off if you want to chat xxx

Take Care

WG x

[justme31]

yesterday night i felt ok.... had a terrible headache but didnt have as many mad thoughts.. for the 1st time i thought yeah am gunna b ok... this feelin only lasted a couple of hours but its a start!! in general yesterday wasnt too bad a day i made myself go to the shops just to distract the thoughts they were still there but deffo not as bad. returned from the shops with a ping pong table lol dont ask... seemed a good idea at the time until the kids started batin each other round the headswith the bats when they got home from school!!! anyways back to today...well its the mornin innit and i always feel shitty in the morn and better at night. the obssessive thoughts r quite bad.. am tryna ignore them and just carry on as normal as i can with them there. took my anti depressants have decided am gunna carry on with them and give them at least 6 weeks as am sure am better then i was a few weeks ago.. i didnt really notice but my partner pointed out the state i was in a month ago not lettin him go to work and cryin about bein on my own etc and he said to me last night that i seem a lot better......... hes right now just gotta deal with these damn obssessive thoughts!

[Scarlet]

Hi Justme,

You are getting well hun. Often our hubbys or those close to us (and of course us lot on here) are the first ones to notice the difference. Usually our better moments are on an evening to start off with, but soon you won't wake up and feel the need to introspect either, it happens so gradually though that at times you hardly notice any improvements until you look back...but when you are having a blip, of course you never see any improvements at all.

Glad you managed to get to the shops, ping pong table LOLOLOLOL . Have you got your kids off school this week? My eldest is off and the weathers crappy, don't know what to do, but will have to make the effort to get out somewhere, even if it's only splashing in puddles in the park with our wellies.

I know what you mean about the obsessive thoughts. If you can't distract yourself, let them flow in and out and try and tell yourself that it's OK to have these thoughts and in time they will fade.. Some times it's easier to distract yourself than others.

I'm pleased that you are going to give the cipralex another few weeks hun (are you on 10mg?), this ADs is pretty new. I was on it in the beginning as well when I was pregnant, you need a lower dose because it's more concentrated and efficient than citalopram, and I remember my psychiatrist telling me that this one had the least side-effects, and he had many positive things to say about it.

Hope the day improves for you JM

her for you

Scarlet
xxxxxx

[justme31]

got one of the kids off at the mo.... not through choice though.. he got a sore throat the way he carryin on anyone would think hes dyin! think it cos he a male!! am just gunna pop out to get him some meds to make him shut up tellin me how ill he is!!! r your kids on school hols at the mo scarlett? easter hols r weird at my kids school this year they went back yesterday after having the bank holiday off but dont break up for the 2 weeks easter hols till the 4th april. xx b back on later

[Scarlet]

Hi hun,

Yes my eldest off until 7th April. That sounds like an odd Easter break from school that your kids are having, is that the case in all of England hun?. I have two kids to entertain for two weeks. Mind you my eldest is playing his Nintendo in his bedroom... so he's quiet for now.


xxx

[justme31]

feel shitty this morn.... makes a change!! am hopin things get better as the day goes on. didnt sleep too good last night was wakin up every hour then woke up at 5 this morn having some kinda panic attack was all disorientated didnt know what was going on. anyways woke up this morn got daughter off to school and all the normal stuff but just feel well crappy got obssessive thoughts feel all panicky and feel really depressed which is strange cos have always said feelin down wasnt one of my symptoms.... i just feel like cryin would b a relief to let it all out but the tears dont come. dunno if thats to do with the meds or the pni cos when am well am usually always cryin.. not cos i am depressed but am normally quite emotional. might go out for a while and do some housework to see if i can shake off this feelin of despair

[cokey]

Hi JM

Hope you don't mind me posting here.

It doesn't surprise me that you are feeling depressed because after a bad bout of thoughts, when they seem to be easing off slightly I get so down and panicky. Its always a circle, thoughts, anxiety, depression with me. Also last time, don't know about you (and one of my past posts on here from PNI#1 was about this) was that I couldn't cry and my good friend I met on here then, Carmen, said she was the same. This time however, I can cry loads but I think thats because I am due on!!

Sorry you are having a shitty start to the day, housework may take your mind off it. I feel a bit nervous today for no reason and I have had so many different thoughts today.

Just be proud you have achieved so much already today by getting your little girl off to school. Simple thngs like that are hard work for PNI sufferers. My husband has been taking my boy to nursery all week ( Can't face the drive.

Cokey xxx

[justme31]

yeah last time and this were exactly the same cokey i never felt like cryin last time i felt more numb i just rememer not feelin anythin for anyone or any emotion.the way that we are sufferin has always made me question when a doc or shrink putsthe label depression on it........i think i aint depressed the thougths and anxiety make me down but i wouldnt say am depressed... am ramblin now!!!!

[Scarlet]

Hi JM,

Sorry you are feeling shitty again, and that you didn't get any sleep, I was the same in the beginning as well, used to have thoughts and panics all night, so I know how you feel hun. Could you ask your doc for some sleeping pills for a while, then at least you'll get some sleep.

With regards to not being able to cry, I was the same, couldn't cry for ages due to the anxiety, as it's always difficult to cry when in an anxious mindset, but when the anxiety had turned to depression I couldn't stop crying, but I felt no relief whatsoever from crying, it was a very strange feeling really. Like Cokey, mine was similar, it started with intrusive thoughts and worries then anxiety/panic/dreamlike state/numbness and then depression, and continued in this cycle whilst I had PNI.

I was reading a nice book the other day which said that going mad is not a conscious act, and that those who are suffering a severe mental illness such as schizophrenia or psychosis, are unaware of their journey into it. So rest assured that it's nothing more than anxiety hun, like we all have now or have had.

Hope your day picks up.

Always here for you

xxxx

[justme31]

so all the time i am questionin my sanity i am ok!!! i must be well sane then cos i question it 24/7!! lol. i always think its weird with the obssessive thoughts and dunno if this happened to u scarlett but something that i was obssessin about yesterday will seem irrelevant today and the thoughts change and ill obssess about something else.

[Scarlet]

JM I was the same hun questioning my sanity, but I think I am as sane as anyone & so are you.

As for the obsessive thoughts that's what happened to me as well, I would obsess over something, for eg. whether I was schizophrenic, psychotic or something, then it would change into obsessing about not sleeping that night, whether I could live in the same house as knives, whether I'd ever go out again, whether my hubby would leave me, would I ever get well again, blimey there was so much, and the thoughts changed from hour to hour and even minute to minute sometimes...could also depend on what I was watching on the telly or reading, this sounds like you doesn't it hun??? course it does, becasue you have exactly what I had ..

Hugs for a better evening.

xxxx

[justme31]

not feelin too clever today was havin nightmares last night... when i went to bed last night the thoughts were terrible. also i feel really panicky and down at the mo.. its like everything seems pointless. i think what triggered all this off is that my brother was visitin yesterday and he went to visit me mum. as some of u might know she suffers from schizophenia... anyways he went to visit her and she lives in a place for older people with mental health problems.. my brother was tellin me about some ofthe people in there.. now im thinkin that wil b what im gunna b like so whats the point in anything when am just gunna end up mad with no life.. i feel so upset.

[cokey]

Hi JM

Sorry you are feeling so bad. I hate it when you are having a thought episode/fear and you see something on tv or in real life that brings it right to the forefront. E.g. when you think you may harm your kids you read in the paper about someone who has.

I am no psychiatrist but I was told that if you are neurotic you tend not to get other illnesses. We are neurotic. Totally. I used to think when I was younger (I got OCD in my early 20s but it subsided until I had kids - must eb a hormone thing) that I just want to be old and have gotten through life without killimg anyone, harming myself or going mad.

You aren't your mother, I feel terrible for her, but you aren't because you don't have schizophrenia. But I can totally understand where your fear comes from. The sad thing is some people with mental illness don't even know they have it. They are probably more contented than we are right now, although I think mental illness is gthe cruelest illness of all.

The point is, you have your kids and if you reverse that thought of being a mad old bird in a home to a thought of you being an old lady being loved by loads of grandkids, thats the reality.

Listen to me though, I will be on here tomorrow questionning something far more bizarre.

Does your bro know you are ill, just bad timing isn't it, he brought that up now?

Hope you are okay.

Cokey xxx