justmes diary

[justme31]

i know what u sayin is right... my mum is totally obliviuos to the fact that she is ill.. it doesnt even register with her she doesnt sit and worry about the fact that she might b crazy especially when she is having an episode. i was a bit worried about postin about my mum on here cos i didnt wana trigger anyone elses obssessive thinkin... i know i have a hard time readin about anything to do with mental illness as this sets me off. in regards to my brother he kinda knows the pni is back again.... he doesnt help although its not intentional... i was tellin him the other day about the anxiety and he goes well u wasnt like that last time... u were just depressed and kept cryin... that made me think oh no is this time worse and i am really gunna lose it this time! i had all the same symptoms last time but all he or anyone else ever saw was me cryin cos i was too ashamed to admit to the obssessive thoughts. hope u r ok cokey and everyone else xxx

[winegirl]

Hi JM

Sorry this is a quickie (I am at work) - how are you doing today? I can understand your concerns with everything that had happened to your Mum - but you are different - and the fact that you are analysing all this proves to me that there is little chance of this happening to you. You are very aware of everything which you wouldnt be if you were suffering so bad.

I will be back around tonight if you need to talk x

Take Care

WG x

[Scarlet]

Hi hun,

I have had thoughts like yours about being schizophrenic/ psychotic, and for you, because your mum is schizophrenic you perhaps fear that you are becoming like her...but you aren't my lovely, you have anxiety and the anxiety is making you fearful and is the cause of your obsessive thoughts. Your mum bless her, doesn't worry about her condition becasue she doesn't have anxiety.

I think you should speak to your psychologist about this underlying fear you have, and perhaps she will work on this for you, becasue when you no longer fear being like your mum, perhaps your PNI will subside. This could be at the root of it hun.

Never be afraid to tell us anything on here . We are here and listening, and will help all we can from afar.

Hugs
xxxxxx

[justme31]

thanks scarlett.... am seein the pyschotherapist today at 4 so hopefully that will be a help. i have been through it with her about my mum.. and she says that pni can happen to anyone but cos my mum is the way she is that is addin to the problem and the negative thinkin.... she also say that if my mum had cancer id think id had that too lol and thats the way obssessive thoughts work! am feelin a lil bit better at the moment am guna go have a shower and put some make up on b4 i c the therapist..... i always go there lookin rough lol the woman probably thinks i am a tramp.
Claire zz

[Scarlet]

Hiya JM,

You'll prolly be in with the psych as I write this, but I wanted to wish you all the best...and let us know how it goes hun.

Good on you for putting on the make-up girl, I know what you mean about looking rough LOL, I was 'rough' for months I can tell you.

Hugs

xxxx

[justme31]

just went to c the therapist.. went well and am feelin good!! i think i am gunna b ok! i dont feel great but am startin to feel a bit more normal .....remind me i said this when the thoughts r back plz people!!

[winegirl]

Hi JM

Thats great hun! I am so pleased you have come out of it feeling a bit more Human! And yes, we will remond you of this.. regulary!!

Take Care

WG x

[Scarlet]

Hi JM, glad you had a good session hun, and that you are having moments of feeling 'more normal'. These will continue to increase, until the 'normal' you comes back. We will always be here to reassure you, no worries .

Hope you have a good day as well today.

Hugs

xxxx

[justme31]

am having such a shit day the thoughts r back really bad, i cant think straight and feel like am walkin round in a dream. have had a few days of feelin much better.. not great but felt like maybe i was finally gettin back to some kinda normality and bang the pni has hit me again. i think maybe i am insane cos the thoughts i get certainly aint normal.. just feel like have had enough cos i know am going back down and am gunna feel like this for ages.

[winegirl]

Hi JM

You ARE normal! It is just this hell of an illness playing with your head. And you may really nit be like this for ages, it could easily pass in a couple of days babes x Hang in there, we know how hard it as and are always here for you xx

WG x

[cokey]

Hi JM

Sorry you had such a bad day yesterday, must be the planets or PMT because I was the same. I am so much better today. How are you?

My mate had PNI with OCD really bad and had very bizarre disturbing thoughts. She got help from one of the country's leading OCD psycjhiatrists and as she has recovered, I trust her 100% to give me advice and to reassure me. So I can pass that on to you.

Basically she was told that OCD is the cruelest illness because of our suffering, more than actual mental illness (OCD isn't a mental illness) because we are aware of our suffering too. However it is the illness that receives the least goverment support. This is because we are the safest people on the planet. All our thoughts and urges and fears are the exact opposite of who we are, what we think and what our outcome will be, so no-one need worry about us, we just have to get on with it alone until it passes.

One day soon you will look back and think how could I have ever thought that but it is just the OCD part of this and we cannot control or help it, time alone heals with the aid of therapy/meds.

We will both be fine. We were before. You know some of my weird thoughts, I am the biggest loony ever lol Have you ever had the swallowing your tongue one? I used to spend hours sticking my tongue out just so I wouldn't swallow it and die lol - see what I mean, most people would run a mile thinking I was insane. I'm not.

Let us know how u r today?

Cokey xxx

[justme31]

yeah i had that last time.. it would always feel like my tongue was numb.. i used to get it at night and was terrified i was gunna swallow my tongue in my sleep..i used to keep pinchin my tongue to make sure i could still feel it and lookin at it in the mirror cos it felt like it was swollen lol am still feelin a bit crap today.. i know thats just due to the pni though.. managed to sleep well last night so thats a result! am glad u feelin ok today. u got any plans for today?... dunno about where u r but it covered in snow here.. was like a kid when i got up this morn lol i got excited. am off out this afternoon to shops.. my partner thinks if he buys me something i will feel better...... if only it was that simple eh?!!

[winegirl]

Hi JM

Let him buy you something anyway! It certainly cant hurt! LOL x

We have had snow here too, wierd!

Did your afternoon go well then? Did you buy anything nice?

Hopefully catch up soonx

WG x

[justme31]

am having an absolutely nightmare with the thoughts the last couple of days... feell like givin up at the moment.. am thinkin again that i am psychotic and no one has realised! am gunna try to distract myself from the thoughts today cos am findin that tryna b rational is not helpin.. the thoughts r just going round and round and scarin the shit outta me. have got an obssession about the tablets again at the moment as well keep worryin that they makin me worse and that i should stop takin them..... i know this is daft cos was feelin a lot better a week ago and thought the tablets were helpin!! i feel like i can deal with all the others symptoms of pni.. the cryin, panic attacks, etc.. but the obssessive thoughts r by far the worse... just want my mind to switch off.

[Scarlet]

Aww hun, so sorry to hear this... Did you get chance to have a look at that website I mentioned in your other post. It has some useful tips JM.

I know it seems never ending, but they will eventually subside. Can you do something to distract yourself, get out and about..what so you have planned for today?

Hugs