|
Post by littlelotty on Feb 28, 2008 15:43:05 GMT
I have decided to write my own diary in the hope that I can off load all that I feel and particularly as I don't feel I have people around me to talk about it to.
Today has been a hard day and three weeks into the medication I was hoping to feel 'normal' by now and back to the old me. Guess I was being optimistic!!! I have had a panic attack going to b&q today and have spent most of the day in my home, thank god my little one has been in nursery today as I could not have coped with her (how bad it that!!)
I am so desperate to feel normal that it is probably holding me back. I feel so alone still and have very negative thoughts. I am also becoming really paranoid - like when I was out I thought everyone was looking at me and started to become really anxious, I thought they could see that I was 'mental' and 'losing the plot'.
I find it so hard to talk to people these days, before I would have been on the phone for hours talking to friends and family or been out seeing them but do not want to do either. I want to shut myself away but at the same time want to talk about how I feel but can't. I am finding being on this forum is helping me to off load how I am feeling but not to talk to people if that makes sense.
The mornings seem to be the worse for me and I have struggled to 'pick' myself up and get going or even feel a bit better. I feel low today and not happy, I thought about phoning my boss and giving my notice as I don't think I can cope with work anymore. (I am currently signed off work)
I have never felt this bad before and although I have had depression this is the worst it has ever been and I suppose it is because I have to keep looking after my little one and not staying in bed!
I am dreading the next three days as I have my little one on my own as my husband is away for three days. I am staying with a friend but will have to do all the work and care of my little one. I feel so bad in saying that but I get so tired and just want a break from her. I also feel that is why I am becoming really anxious today as I know this is coming. It is also mother's day on Sunday and I don't feel I have been much of a mother to my little one so will be a really hard day.
I just hope that I will be one day over all this and that the black cloud will go away for good. I want to enjoy motherhood and not resent that my whole life has changed and look forward to when she is at nursery!
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Feb 28, 2008 16:06:14 GMT
Hi Littlelotty
I hope you dont mind me posting in your diary? Please see if you would rather not?
The next three days may be a challenge or you hun but you will do it. I know how hard it is to spend days on end on your own with your LO, but as you get better, it really does get easier.
And you will get better. I know that after 3 weeks on the meds you expect to be feeling better, but sometimes it can take a bit longer, for some people a dose increase is needed and for some a change of meds. I would hang on for another week or two and if you still see no improvement then go back to your GP.
Anyway, I hope you dont mind me posting in your diary. Take Care and hang in there hun xx
WG xx
|
|
|
Post by littlelotty on Feb 28, 2008 16:24:42 GMT
Hi WG
No I don't mind you posting - it is so nice to get support from people that really understand and not those that Judge. I wouldn't dare tell other people how I am feeling - particularly towards my LO as they do not seem to understand what this illness is really like, it takes over all your thinking and I would never of dreamt of thinking like this before but I now understand how women feel when they feel that motherhood is 'too much'.
|
|
nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
|
Post by nishka on Feb 28, 2008 19:27:45 GMT
Hiya
Welcome to the diaries!
I find writing a diary really helpful in trying to understand how you feel, sometimes you can spot patterns in whats going on.
I think everyone here knows exactly how you are feeling right now (or close to it!)... PNI is a very difficult thing to have and I think it tends to make you feel so bad about everything when there really is no need. You sound like a good mum to me, we can't all be superwomen (I am most guilty of thinking this and beat myself up on a regular basis!!) On mothers day just be good to yourself, you deserve to be happy.
I hope things go okay with your LO. I bet alot of the people you worry about what they think of you feel the same way you do!
Being a mum is the hardest job in the world and if you have depression as well it can all feel a bit much. But we are here to listen to you and help you if we can.
Lots of love xxxx
|
|
|
Post by littlelotty on Feb 29, 2008 19:59:27 GMT
today started off really good, I felt really upbeat and ready to face the world! (god knows how after yesterday). I managed to get up showered myself and my LO, wash, dry and straighten my hair, get breakfast for my LO and all dressed and ready to go out by 9am! I was impressed with myself although tired by the time I got to the car.
I had a dentist appointment and went to see my mum and nan - I haven't seen them since august of last year but I needed to drop off presents to them. My mum for a change was supportive and talked about her experiences with PNI. My nan was a different story and I found this hard as she was saying 'I thought you had lost everything' and basically I felt she was saying that I deserved everything I got! I soon left and went to the dentist which went well as I didn't need any treatment for a change!
I took my LO for lunch and we had a really good time, she made me laugh alot and it was fun to go out and enjoy my time with her. I then went back home and packed up things as I am staying with a friend.
I started to become really anxious again and panic about everything. I thought just get the things in the car and go! On the way I was really anxious and trying to calm my breathing down, I started to feel sick and thought I can't calm down. I stopped and took a few minutes to calm down as I had my LO in the car and then carried on driving. By the time I got to my firends I was in a right state. My friend and her mum were great and after a while I managed to calm down and feel a bit more normal.
I do think this week has been really hard and feel I am getting back to how I was before the medication. I am going to go back to the doctors next week and see if my dose can be increased as I am not managing with things at the moment.
I am glad I am staying at my friends this weekend as she offers my so much support and understand what I am going through and this is helping me get through this. It has been a really hard week with panic attacks everyday and not managing even the basic of things. I keep getting paranoid about everything and thinking strange thoughts. I am finding it helpful to write things down and hope that I can look back at this and see that I am better one day!
Lets hope tommorrow is a better day and I can manage on LO on my own although I am already getting anxious about this!
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Feb 29, 2008 21:55:34 GMT
Hi Littlelotty
I have already posted in your other thread, but just wanted to say that I hope tomorrow goes well for you with LO, try and enjoy it! And if you need us we will be here xxx
Take Care
WG x
|
|
|
Post by littlelotty on Mar 1, 2008 19:44:24 GMT
Well I can finally say that I have had a really good day, no panic attacks, have managed to go out with my LO and have enjoyed the day with her!!!
I cleaned my friends this morning whilst my little one was playing with her children and kept myself busy. I went out to lunch at Sainsburys with my LO and she was good although she started to get a bit naughty near the end so I thought rather than get stressed about it to leave as she had finished.
I took her to the local soft play area which she loves and had a really good time with her there. I thought it would be good to take her to burn off her energy and help me manage her rather than being at home and getting stressed with her. We were both laughing in the ball pool and had a really good time.
She then slept for a couple of hours after that which was good for me to get a break - although I did some more cleaning, but I enjoy that so it gave me some 'me' time.
I then went to collect my friends child from his mates and brought him back and by then it was ready for my LO to go to bed. I can't believe the day went so quick and I managed her on my own all day with no help!
I felt a lot more positive today and strange that I had only five hours sleep last night - the least I have had since being on the medication but I could probably say that I feel today has been the best day so far! I even got my payslip through and they have wrongly deducted £220 from my pay but I just thought - lets phone them on monday - nothing I can do about it today. I could never of thought like that during the week.
Anyway I am going to have a relaxing night - just waiting for my friend to come back from a children's party and I am sure we will have a good chat.
Lets hope tommorrow can be as good as today - I have to keep positive it is the only way I am going to get through this as I WILL beat this!
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Mar 1, 2008 20:09:42 GMT
Hi Littlelotty
Thats GREAT hun!!! I am so pleased you have had such a good day, and it sounds like it really was great too! I hope you have lots and lots more days like this to come!!
Take Care
WG xxx
|
|
|
Post by littlelotty on Mar 2, 2008 21:51:14 GMT
Had another good day with no panic attacks - feel tired but probably due to the lack of sleep I have had and think I am coming down with a cold. I had a party with lots of children around my friends house and my LO was dancing to the music which was really funny. She was good today and I managed her well with no issues which makes a change. I am so glad I have got through this weekend and managed with my LO well.
She is going to nursery tommorrow so a break for me and I have the health visitor coming around in the afternoon. My hubby is also back tommorrow which I am really looking forward to as I have really missed him.
I have been thinking this weekend how have I managed to remain calm and manage things when I haven't during the week when I haven't had my LO. I talked through with my friend and think that it might be that I am spending all day on my own and not coping with this so will need to look at this. I feel the medication has been fine this weekend which has made me question if I need to go back to the doctors but I will see how it goes during the week.
Anyway I about to go to bed as I am soooo tired. lets hope I can have a good day tommorrow.
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Mar 2, 2008 22:08:32 GMT
Hi Littlelotty
Well done you!!! You have done amazingly well, and the best bit is that you have enjoyed yourself too! I am soooooo pleased for you!!!
Heres hoping the week continues this way!!
Take Care
WG x
|
|
|
Post by littlelotty on Mar 3, 2008 19:16:51 GMT
Well feeling rough today with a bad sore throat and a cold. Took my LO to nursery and then came back to my friends - went on the computer for a bit and then went back to bed as I felt so tired and rough!!
I packed up my things and went back to my house and the health visitor came. She was good and we talked for over an hour about how I have been feeling for the past 18 months. She felt I am certainly suffering from post natal depression and have done for a very long time. She gave me some telephone numbers for some different counselling as I have been on the waiting list for ages. So I will be phoning them tommorrow. She also felt I should go back to the doctors to increase my medication as I am not coping during the week so I will phone them tommorrow as well.
She reassured me that I am doing all the right things with my LO and she is very stimulated and above average in all of her development. I talked about my feelings and she felt Iwas being too hard on myself and that once I am 'better' I should see things differently. She is coming back around on the 17th March and will keep coming for as long as I want.
I then got showered and washed and straightened my hair as I didn't get the chance this morning - how bad it that!!! I packed all my stuff again (!) and went over to nursery to collect my LO and then bathed and put her to bed without any problems. I am staying at my husbands tonight and just waiting for him to come back as he has been away - she should be back by 8pm.
I have my manager coming around tommorrow so hope that goes ok as I cannot think about returning to work at the moment.
So I have a busy day tommorrow with phonecalls and appointments - oh also have relate at 8.30pm tommorrow with my husband and myself which I am looking forward to as it helps us - I also have a night off with my LO as my in laws have her for the night so might go for a drink after our session which will be nice - depends on how calm I am! It seems the more people I talk to during the day the better I am but I cannot also do that as people work during the day!! But at least I have had another day with no panic attacks.
lets hope I can have another good day tommorrow - I am learning to take it a day at a time and start each day as a new one whatever happens the day before (if that makes sense!)
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Mar 3, 2008 19:50:29 GMT
Thats great Littlelotty! Taking each day as it comes really is the only way to deal with PNI, and it takes alot of us a long time to try and put that into practice! You are doing really well. x
I hope you guys manage to go and have a bit of time for yourselves tomorrow after your appointment, and do let us know how the appointment goes x
Take Care
WG xxx
|
|
|
Post by sianyc on Mar 4, 2008 18:22:22 GMT
Hi littlelotty
hope you don't mind me popping in on your diary. How did today go with your manager?
|
|
|
Post by littlelotty on Mar 5, 2008 8:52:46 GMT
I didn't manage to write in last night as I didn't get in until around midnight! I had a good day - it started not so good as I dropped my LO at nursery and then went to get some cat food and started to feel really anxious and thought about the panic attacks and just wanted to be at home. Came back quickly and managed to calm down.
I cleaned all the leaves outside the front of the house and then went back to my house as I have been staying at my husbands. I cleaned it all from top to bottom and then my manager came around. She brought some lovely flowers, chocolates and a card from the team which was really nice and I was very touched by them all. She was very good and talked about not coming back too soon and making sure when I do it is gradual. I explained that I do not feel ready yet and she agreed which was good.
I then came back to my husbands house and went to get my LO from nursery. By the time I got back with her my husband had come home early which was nice so I did not have to manage my LO on my own. We bathed her and gave her milk and then took her to her grandparents as she was staying there for the night!!!
We then went to town as we had relate but went to pizza hut for dinner before which was ok but we nearly had an arguement and I was starting to get anxious. We had our relate session which was really good and the counsellor was excellent and we have this every tuesday now which I am really looking forward to. I was able to talk to my hubby about some past sexual abuse and although he knew about this I was for the first time able to talk about how I get flashbacks etc when he touches me in certain places so I think this will help as he was finally able to understand why I keep pushing him away.
We then decided to go for a drink after and went to a pub which is nice and wasn't busy. They were doing a quiz and we used to love doing these prior to having my LO so how strange was that! We did the quiz and had a few drinks and carried on talking about the session and we have agreed some ground rules about touching etc and this is really helping - he seems to understand bless him - I do give him a hard time!
Well we got 65% right out of the quiz but came last!!! We were impressed how much we did know and thought we would do this everytime after relate as it is time for us two and it was a really good night. We then came home and it was sooo late but it was nice not to have to worry about my LO and getting up for her!
I have woken up this morning feeling ok but my cold is getting worse and I am full of it. I have dosed myself up - feel like a pill popper with my medication as well!! I was going to phone the doctors today to up my medication but I can't face going out of the house so I will not do that.
Oh forgot to mention that I phoned up for counselling for myself yesterday with the number that the health visitor gave me and I have my initial appointment on the 25th March which I am anxious about but will give it a go.
lets hope I can have a good day but I do not want to go out so should be good day!
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Mar 5, 2008 12:02:53 GMT
Hi LIttlelotty
The relate counselling sounds great! Sounds like you guys are really going to make some progess there!
Sorry about your cold hun. I always feel really dosed up with them too considering all the meds as well. I have had a cold for 12 weeks now, and found that beechams all in one medicine is the answer, it tackles everything but can make you a bit drowsy.
Hope today is a good one for you babes xx
WG x
|
|