Cokey's Diary

[cokey]

Having a bad day today. I think its because I am due on in just over a week but I am so upset with my husband.

He has been quite good for a while but now its like he's had enough of me. Last night we had an argument because I have been asking for dates we can go on holiday since xmas and he always says 'I'll think about it' but never does. Then because his workmate who he adores (men always suck up to male mates don't they) wants us all to go to Alton Towers Hotel, he wanted me to stop cooking tea for the kids last night so we could book it. I went mad and said why can't you shopw the same enthusiasm for stuff I want to do. If his workmate is involved its done immediately. I don't want to go yet anyway, they have 3 kids and with my 2, they are just a motley crew and it will be too stressful. Anyway he stormed off and said its clear you are in a mood. I was so upset because he has been so moody for days now and I know he has a lot on but I remember when he got ill with stress last year, I had been having bad PNI symptoms which he knew about but when he got ill, I put all of those aside for him and was with him, helping him, fending off visitors etc for weeks. Not only does he not reciprocate (he is well now) but he goes the opposite.

Also we are supposed to be going to a wedding of his old school friend on Saturday where I won't know anyone. He wanted to stay over but I am not ready to leave the kids overnight yet, so I said I would drive. However he has a problem with drink, even though he won't admit it and can never just have a few, he has to get plastered. Then he gets funny, aggressive and just out of control. So I said to him today that I was worried about that and he has gone in another mood saying well we won't go at all then. Not 'oh okay darling I'll drive and so the temptation to drink isn't there' but 'we won't go'. He also said he has too much on his plate right now and has no time for me. He spends every night locked in his office having a few beers and he is just snappy.

Basically he did this last time, is good when I am at my worst but now he is terrible and rather than help me through this, he is hindering my recovery.

Worst still because my thoughts surround self-harm, I am now getting them back because I am thinking whats the point in fighting it anyway. Then I remember my kids.

I spend all day every day trying my hardest to keep positive yet no-one around me (my mum comes every day to tell me her 'troubles') is so negative and a bad influence.

Fed up.

Cokey xxx

[winegirl]

Hi Cokey

Oh babes i am sorry things havent picked up for you and you are having all this trouble with your OH. Have you manage dto sort anything out this evening? U ok?

Hun you know we are always here for you, dont be lonely, just log on and we will do our best to support you babes x

How has the rest of the day been for you??

Thinking of you

WG xx

[tabbysmum]

Hi Cokey,

That's men for you, my husband is the same, does anything for his mates at the drop of a hat, we've had loads of rows about it and the last one was a real biggy - he's been much better since but he'll slip back into it, he always does. But your husband will come round and calm down I'm sure and when he isn't there for you, lean on all of us on this forum a bit or a lot more. Just remember you're fighting this terrible illness for you, yes it will be easier with his help and support but you're incredibly strong and so positive. You've come so far these past few weeks, you're feeling low now and your hormones at this time of month wont be helping but don't give up, don't think what's the point, because you deserve to be well, happy and living without anxiety and fear, keep fighting it, every exhausting step of the way and you will get there.

Take care, you know where I am

TM x

[sianyc]

Hi Cokey

Hang in there lovely. My oh had his moment where he could be the most considerate hubby ever and then would realise I was not better and it was all taking a while and be peed off with me for a while -- not intentionally really, just frustrated with it all and not having his wife there.

[justme31]

Hi cokey am sorry yesterday was a shitty day for u hun...even though am not on here as much now u know where i am if u ever wana talk. In regards to ya OH i think men just dont get it sometimes.. they dont seem to think the same way as women. Like u and tabbymums i have had many a row with my partner about his mates...i ask him to go to the shop it gets done tomorrow cos he tired... the guy that works for him rings and asks for him to give him a lift or drop something off and hes round there straight away. It pees me off but have just accepted now that its a man thing and doesnt mean he loves me any less. Ya OH half sayin oh we wont go in regards to the weddin thats just to make u feel guilty but stick to what u wana do, if u dont feel comfortable with stayin over or him drinkin dont let him tryna make u feel guilty change ya mind. U have said to me in the past that ya OH is supportive most of that time Try and talk to him and tell him how u feel about all this stuff. i so hope today is a better day for u. Am about if u need me
Claire xx

[cokey]

Hi everyone

Thanks for the support, had such a rough one yesterday - like really bad PMT, everything got on top of me. I spoke to my husband last night and he was repentant and was sorry for as much as a man can be sorry for. So we are okay now. Men just don't nurse us like we do them if they are ill/needy.

Today I woke badly and I felt down and tearful again. I don't feel depressed because when distracted I am fine but when I think too hard I get tearful. Guess thats hormones. Anyway decided to keep myself busy today, so went to town with my mum, then I had to go for a smear test (nice eh?) and then to see my grandma who has early dementia. I also had to take my mates boy to nursery and pick him up all before 12, so it kept me well distracted and I feel a bit better now.

I am not sleeping well. I have another OCD which I won't mention in case it triggers anyone but it makes me not relaxed about sleeping. Hopefully it will pass, I had it before even when I didn't have PNI, so I am sure it will go again.

Tomorrow I go on my son's farm trip. It will be hard because some of the mums are really snobby and hard to talk to and they are in their little groups already but my mate whose boy I took this morning is going so I should be fine.

Hope you are all okay.
Cokey xxx

[winegirl]

Hi Cokey

Sprry you are still down babes. I hope the farm trip goes ok today babes, i find that all those baby animals bring a smile to my face anyway!

Thinking of you hun and will be back later to chat properly xx

Take Care

WG xx

[Scarlet]

Cokey hun,

One of the keys to getting well, in that stuff I sent you, mentioned that you need a visualisation or other tool to help distract you from your intrusive thoughts. Did you have a look at the EFT vid I posted, I always used to be sceptical about things like this, but I think it might actually work, and it's worth a try. In fact I tried it myself yesterday and did feel a wee bit different. If you think of your OCD thought when doing it, then this may help with that as well. I think it might be good to incorporate a bit of EFT alongside that other method.

youtube.com/watch?v=6r7OZwhcqxY&feature=user

Hugs

xxxx

[cokey]

Hi Scarlet

Was just coming on here to post how much better I feel today. I don't know why but even going to bed last night I felt less emotional/low and tearful. The only thing I can put it down to is the EFT. I did it but then didn't feel that much better but I guess it worked in some way.

I am going to keep it up. It seems to work. Considering how I felt as I did it and then a few hours after - either that or my hormones are fluctuating again.

Hope you are okay and enjoying your sisters visit.

Cokey xx

PS WEnt on the farm trip today which I was dreading and I was fine - actually enjoyed it, Even went ona tractor ride I couldnt get off and no panic. Am thrilled )

Hope everyone else is okay today xxx

[winegirl]

LOL! Isnt the tractor supposed to be for the kids

Glad you had a nice time hun and you feel a bit better today xx

WG x

[cokey]

Well the tapping Scarlet posted has definitely made a big change in me, I haven't had the tearful low mood since I did it. Can't think of anything else that could have changed it, other than I have been busy, so maybe its the distraction.

The farm trip went well and yesterday I was at a wedding and that went okay too. I wasn't my normal self but mostly I forgot about the PNI and had very few anxious moments considering I knew virtually no-one there.

My one worry at the moment is my husband. When I first got bad PNI symptoms last August, my husband then suffered something traumatic and he got very depressed. I don't know why or how but my PNI symptoms just went away just about. Then when the situation and his health was sorted, I got bad symptoms again. I guess I put them on hold mentally. Anyway he has now told me he is struggling again. My OCD thoughts surround him taking jhis and our lives and also me taking my own and I thought because he was better I would be able to dismiss those but I am scared the one about him doing it going to come back. he said to me yesterday that he wanted to just run away (he has so much work pressure - he is self employed plus me I suppose). I just thought I was doing so well and please excuse this comment because I am not a selfish person but I am deeply saddened that I never ever get chance to get better. That being a mum/wife for you though eh?

Also my mum did the same, as soon as I told her she reacted by saying she had enough on her plate and she spends every visit telling me her problems and how we are all a burden to her.

In addition an old mate rang me and basically told me she is 'depressed' and was crying down the phone to me. I can't explain why but I was also annoyed with her because she wallows in her own misery and she isn't depressed like we know it. She is always like this and expects other people to pick her up. On this forum I am surrounded by women who are desperate to help themselves and get better, we never pity ourselves or put upon others. We hide our illness to most people we know and out a brave face on it. She never asked how I was and I didn't say anything but also unlike me I just couldnt offer her any help other than to tell her to ring me if she got bad.

I just think if we can suffer this most horrendous illness, for gods sake take a leaf out of our book because truly until you have had PNI you haven't a clue.

Sorry that sounds awful because it is all relative but I have spent my life feeling anxious with mild OCD and depression and I have never pitied myself.

So, I am left with my husband to sort out. Now I feel I can't talk to him because it may make him worse but at least I have this forum and I will use this rather than him. Actually he is a very positive person and would never lean on me and burden me - he just was really bad yesterday. We have had a truly bad year and it just took its toll on him. Maybe he can be my little distraction project.

Cokey xxx

[winegirl]

Hi Cokey

I am so sorry you guys have got it all on. Whenever my hubby has been ill since I have had PNI (flu, stomach bugs etc..) I have found that my PNI symptoms have eased off while I have been running round trying to sort him out, but at the same time I have been angry that he can lay in bed suffering whilst I have had 2 years of being ill having to get on with life.

I dont think it is selfish, just a normal reaction to these things.

You know we are ALWAYS here for you, but I do hope you can talk to OH too, though I understand why that would be difficult for you (I would be the same).

Sending you huge hugs and strength xx

WG (())

[cokey]

Thanks WG

I am quite positive about it all really because I know with my husband, his blues can be lifted so easily. I just need to give him space and feed him etc. Today I am letting him work all day uninterrupted which may take some of the weight off because he can catch up a bit.

Yeah, like you said its annoying we have to carry on and he won't reciprocate by giving me space but thats men for you.

The thing is, maybe this is fate because ultimately we have to face and fight PNI ourselves. Leaning on Paul probably isn't helping me get over my fear of being alone anyway, so maybe its time to stop leaning and keep up the fight. Of course I will turn to him on bad days though - sod that lol

How you doing WG?

Cokey xxx

[winegirl]

Hi Cokey

Yeah, I still lean on Hubby, but when I do and he doesnt give me the support I need I end of feeling worse, and always feel better if I have made an acheivement on my own. Men, who needs em!

I hope your day has picked up hun? I am sitting here with toothache, a headache, a cold and dizziness, so would quite like to go to bed! Not much chance of that happening though.

Hope the sun is out for you hun, its still good here x

WG x

[cokey]

Oh no ! Tabbysmum has a cold too - not what u need and no you can never go to bed

Take care though and get some lemsip xxxx