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Post by Scarlet on Apr 28, 2008 7:12:31 GMT
Morning Cokey, How you feeling hun? Sorry you've had a bit of a difficult time. The thing is, maybe this is fate because ultimately we have to face and fight PNI ourselves. Leaning on Paul probably isn't helping me get over my fear of being alone anyway, so maybe its time to stop leaning and keep up the fight. Of course I will turn to him on bad days though - sod that lolI never had any emotional support from my hubby, either he was dismissive or he over-reacted and made things worse and used a lot of the things I said later on. Mostly his way was to just let me get on with it and for him to work longer hours. So in the end I stopped telling him anything and suffered in silence really. Prolly this was better in the long run, because it's made me stronger and more independent, and I pushed myself to get well, as I have no-one over here, but there were times that I really needed support. You can do it too hun, you really can...I am 100% sure, and we are here to help push you a wee bit , whenever you need us. Huge hug, and come join us with the EFT for a week hun. xxxx
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Post by cokey on Apr 28, 2008 7:14:40 GMT
Thanks Scarlet - I know I am not alone in this and actually most men react the same. It just is so frustrating.
Am annoyed already this morning.
Because he was so stressed with work, yesterday I let him work all day in his office and I stayed in with the kids. I have a massive order to get done and so it was a sacrifice considering I have them all week too. Then he tells me this morning he is off to football Tuesday night (he goes to see man utd so its a 9 hour trip) and then again on Saturday. Well I am due sometime this week, so it could be a bad one, also we are going away Sunday/Monday to Alton Towers hotel, so I don't have much time to get my work done and now he is going to football Saturday too. What upsets me is that no matter what sacrifices we make for our family, sometimes he just won't give up his activities for the sake of my health and happiness and it really pees me off big time. Its just typical selfish men's attitudes.
He says he's depressed and he wants to run away at times even though he knows that triggers me (he doesnt think) and if he is so depressed how come he feels like sex all the time and wants to go off to football. Really depressed eh?
I am so annoyed with him right now.
I told him I would have let him go to both matches anyway because I am thinking of his health but can't he see that the gesture of not going would be nice. It hurts my feelings that he doesn't make it. Instead he offered to get his mum to have the kids - again completely not thinking because then I would be compltely alone and thats worse!!!!
I just think the past 7 mths all I have done is be there for him going through something horrible which also affected me just as badly but I never showed it and now for a few weeks I just want some undivided support and he won't give it.
The thing is when I am recovered I know I will forgive him but why should I?
Cokey xx
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Post by Scarlet on Apr 28, 2008 7:33:42 GMT
I know exactly what you mean Cokey, I felt the same with my husband, he always put his own interests above me getting well. And really I always thought it was in his best interests that i get well as soon as possible and that he would help me, but this was not the case... mostly he hindered my progress if I'm honest, with his cutting remarks... thinking I could snap out of it if he could make me see sense.
I had a massive row with my hubby last night. I work with my eldest with his homework each evening for 2 hours as he has tests coming up in May/June, and my hubby looks after our LO during this time. Last night he complained that he would have a heart-attack running after our LO, as he's such a handful, and he complained that he shouldn't have to be doing this at his age, and that his own father never changed bums and ran after a baby whatsoever. He said when we move he will get a nanny to help out. I replied that I have been unwell for the last 2 years and no 'nanny' was available for me during this difficult period, yet for the two hours where he has to look after our LO, it's too much and he needs help. Then we got into a full scale row about it, and it got me nowehere really, cept I had a stinking headache and couldn't sleep cos I was so angry.
As for forgiving my husband, I still have a bit of difficulty with that to be honest, becasue there were lots of things that he did/said when I was at my very worst that I can't let go of....and they crop up when we are arguing, but I am trying to forgive.
The good news is that you can get rid of this illness alone, but a bit of emotional support/consideration from our OHs goes a long way, and recovery is prolly quicker.
Ooooo Men, I think we need a seperate thread for offloading..
xxxx
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Post by Scarlet on Apr 28, 2008 7:50:45 GMT
Oooo I realise I've just offloaded my marital issues instead of helping you with yours . See look when I start on the subject of my hubby, I can't seem to stop, but I understand totally what you mean, and I would feel exactly the same if my hubby was off playing footy 9 hours away. I often wonder why they can't se things the way we do, I mean if you took off pursuing your fave hobby and disappeared for a few days a week, leaving him with the kiddies, how would he feel? But you wouldn't do it, becasue men use the excuse that they work all week and need some leisure time, well mine does... It is selfish He says he's depressed and he wants to run away at times even though he knows that triggers me (he doesnt think) and if he is so depressed how come he feels like sex all the time and wants to go off to football. Really depressed eh?Hmm I wonder if he's using it as a sympathy card, what do you think Cokey, sometimes others say they are depressed meaning they have an occasional low mood, but they have no idea really. I told him I would have let him go to both matches anyway because I am thinking of his health but can't he see that the gesture of not going would be nice. It hurts my feelings that he doesn't make it. You are far too nice Instead he offered to get his mum to have the kids - again completely not thinking because then I would be compltely alone and thats worse!!!!I think they can't actually put themselves in our shoes, it's one of mens failings imo, well the ones I've encountered. I just think the past 7 mths all I have done is be there for him going through something horrible which also affected me just as badly but I never showed it and now for a few weeks I just want some undivided support and he won't give it.Aww Cokey, I know how you feel. You have given unconditional support for your man during a difficult period and he can't reciprocate. I wonder if telling him this will make him realise, maybe you could do that over your time in Alton Towers. I hope you have a great time, and the weather is as lovely next weekend as it was last. xxx
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Post by justme31 on Apr 28, 2008 8:43:23 GMT
hi Cokey am glad u had a good time at the farm and managed to get to that weddin....these r steps that will help u to recover. I know what u mean about leanin on people... i said to my therapisr last week ultimally it is only ouselves that can get us through the pni..although a lil support from the other half wouldnt go a miss!! I am learnin to deal with the thoughts now even though it is hard... i was fightin them but have decided this was makin me worse so now am just allowin them to b there and distractin myself and feelin much better because of it. I thought of u the other day as am aware that we both have that dreaded time of the month comin up.......dont u just hate bein a women!! Always here if u need some support or just to talk claire xx
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Post by cokey on Apr 28, 2008 9:37:18 GMT
Hi Claire - good to hear from you. You sound great and your counsellor seems to be doing well for you. Yeah, we may have a dip this week eh but ditto you know where I am.
Scarlet - thanks so much, actually you offloading has made me feel so much better because I realise they are all the same and your hubby sounds much like mine. They simply can''t do childcare without a big fuss over it. Also the comment you made about them going to work so thats enough is so true. They feel free to take leisure time without pre-organising in massive detail, just assuming the kids will be with the mum but if we want time, we have to organise months ahead. Even my counselling session is a problem every 3 weeks!!!
I think it is hard to forgive them short term but long term we forget. I just saw how good he was when I flipped, he was good for the worst two weeks each time but then lost interest.
I am okay though, have decided to take action and get the old me back. I am going to just do the things I need without him such as decorating, gardening, booking holidays. Sod him, he will have to get on with it.
Hope you are okay Scarlet after your row. Does EFT work for resentment? Guess it does but then that lets them off the hook.
Love that EFT by the way, makes such a difference. Everyone should try it.
Cokey xxx
PS Scarlet, I was telling my mum yesterday what an inspiration you are to us all - you should be so proud of what you do for us. (WG too) xxxx
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Post by Scarlet on Apr 28, 2008 11:41:27 GMT
Awww Cokey hun, I think I should do the tapping for forgiveness myself, although I'm trying the weight loss tapping at the moment, as could do to lose another 10 lbs which is not shifting. As for my hubby, well he's good when it comes to practical things and is a good provider, he also looks after our LO a lot, even though he complains... so it's not all bad , but when I became ill he just freaked, because I'm usually level-headed, and suddenly I was acting all irrational. Anyways I am all past that now, but part of me still holds resentment for that time, and I can't/won't let it go, probably won't is more like it. Actually that brings me to something a nurse said when I was in the hospital during my worst time, she said you are not getting better becasue you are not willing to let it go. I thought she was daft saying this to me at the time, becasue I yearned to get well, but now I am well, I understand what she means.. I think a bit of EFT will do us all good, and Paul McKenna has been using tapping as well in some of his programmes I've been watching, with remarkable results. I think I want him to come down to my place and sort out my relationship issues, or at least sort out my hubby . Lovely day hun, I am just off out in the rain. xxxxx
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Post by cokey on Apr 28, 2008 11:45:25 GMT
Lol I wrote to Paul McKenna last time I was ill and asked if he could use me in one of his programmes to make me better! He never wrote back
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Post by Scarlet on Apr 28, 2008 11:57:55 GMT
Ooooo sorry to hear that Cokey, I know we could do with him to help us get well again quicky, I would love for him to do his hypnosis on me.
xxxx
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Post by winegirl on Apr 28, 2008 18:52:19 GMT
LOL Cokey! Thats so funny - Paul McKenna rocks though!
How you feeling this evening babes, sorry havent been round today, been at work.
I have just started the EFT and have not seen anything happen yet, but am gonna stick with it. I would be okay if they did EFT for tonsilitis!
Will be back around tongiht if you need to chat babes xx
WG xx
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Post by cokey on Apr 29, 2008 15:06:50 GMT
Hi WG
Thanks for the support - how u doing? Tapping showing any signs of helping yet? I am off to do my daily tap in a mo.
Last night was good. I have a lot of work on right now, so it kept me so distracted and at 11.30 I was fit to drop and fell straight to sleep. I am sleeping so much better at the moment.
Today has been weird. My husband went to work early and my parents were out of town, so I felt a bit anxious because normally I have someone within 5 minutes reach even if they are at work. But once distracted I was fine. I went to pick my son up from pre-school and was a bit shaky but not so bad it was bothering me. I think you kind of learn to live with the trembling a bit and no-one would guess. The funniest symptom I have - this is hilarious and I wonder if anyone else gets this - but when I am anxious sometimes a tiny trump pops out rofl Anyway I was talking to my mates parents at pre-school and all I could think was 'please don't trump' because I could feel it about to happen lol...so funny. I didn't but if I did I would have blamed it on Evie (naughty mummy).
Then my mum came over. She has just left with Michael for a bit, so its just me and Evie. My husband is in Manchester at football til midnight so this is a major test for me because last time he went, I ended up in the worst state and got my family round. My mum is popping in at about 8pm, so that will break it up for me. I have to do it, and one thing I have realised of late is most of the time my tearfulness (which is mostly gone) is just anxiety trying to get out and so I don't need to label it or freak out I am becoming deeply depressed.
I have so much work to do anyway, I will be working all night.
If I get jittery, I will keep writing on here.
Hope you are all well.
Cokey xxx
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Post by winegirl on Apr 29, 2008 19:11:40 GMT
Hi Cokey How is tongiht going for you? LOL about the trumping business! Poor Evie will get a bad name if you kep blamig her!! As for the tapping, well I am so ill today I dont think I would know if it is working or not, but I will keep at it for reporting next week!! How you feeling home alone? Hope you are making the most of it?? WG x
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Post by tabbysmum on Apr 29, 2008 19:20:07 GMT
Cokey - you old farty pants!
I think you're right about the tearfulness being the anxiety trying to get out, i'm just coming to the same conclusion myself about mine, I was really worried it was a sign of depression but you told me it wasn't and you're right. You're doing great, keep it up. Make sure you keep yourself busy tonight and keep on here if you're struggling, I'll make sure I'm about.
Take care
TM x
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Post by cokey on Apr 29, 2008 21:31:46 GMT
Sorry girls - want to be positive and I was doing so well but my husband has dragged me back down once again. He has rung me from Manchester and he is so drunk. I am so cross with him because he said he would be there for me even if it was just on the end of the phone. He is so drunk he can't speak. Every time he goes out he ends up so drunk he can barely walk. I hate it. It upsets me and he knew I needed him tonight but I still let him go. Now I just hate him. I am so sick of making excuses for him, he just takes all the time and just isn't giving me anything back right now except grief.
My thoughts have bow gone into overdrive and I am so upset and crying which is the first time in ages.
Thank god for my beautiful children.
Cokey xxx
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Post by cokey on Apr 29, 2008 21:39:50 GMT
am a bit calmer now but I am shaken and dreading him coming home
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