Post by cokey on Apr 2, 2008 20:14:22 GMT
Well ladies I have decided to join you and write a diary because a) I need to offload and it isn't fair to keep doing it in the main boards and b) so I can see how I am doing.
Today has been weird. I started positively. My husband took the kids to nursery and his mums (she often has them for me) and it was the first time I was totally alone. My parents live across the road but they were away Monday/Tuesday and today. Because of my obsessive thought that I may commit suicide (I am petrified this illness will turn into full scale depression and I will take my life) I was scared of being alone totally without any distraction. Needless to say, as per usual I had a panic attack but I tried to keep myself busy until my husband returned and made some camomile tea which helped a lot. I was shaking all over and I even giggled to myself when I got pins and needles in my hands because I knew it was just anxiety.
My husband came home and we went to buy a PC. I hadn't eaten anything, so we went to Starbucks. Well sitting in a confined space with public sent my anxiety levels sky high and my thoughts went crazy. I was sure (within 10 minutes) my husband would kill me, I would kill myself or I was going to walk over to the baby being fed opposite me and slap it on the head!! (last one would not be funny to anyone but an obsessive thought sufferer but even I was able to dismiss that one it was too stupid).
Once we got out of there my anxiety reduced and we wnet to get the kids.
I was fine all afternoon then until we got back. My parents were back and they came over. Bearing in mind my mumhad PNI with OCD and also had bad paranoia with the menopause we all helped her through, I told her the thoughts I had in the cafe. Now I am upset because she basically out her head in her hands and looked like either a) I was a monster or b) I was upsetting her and it was too much for her.
I am so cross because I told her last week I was having suicidal thoughts (albeit just thoughts) and yet she still went away and then she comes back and makes me feel bad that either I have stressed her out or that I am a mad baby slapping beast. Needless to say I had a go at her. She just went quiet. My mum does this though sadly. I love her to bits but if anyone asks anything of her in the way of support, babysitting, anything - she tells the world its weighing down heavily on her and the problem becomes hers. For example she has my boy by choice once a week for a few hours but she tells all her mates she has the busiest life in the world because she constantly has my kids!!! She is on her own planet and my husband gets so mad about how she is. My grandma has early dementia and its not nice for my mum because she is the only child left nearby to look after her. However, I know today all she immediately thought was 'god I can't deal with you too'. I am cross because even if she felt like that, as my mother I wouldn't expect her to express it so soon. I haven't asked her for any help in this so far, my husband has been my rock.
So now I just won't tell her anything which is sad because as a previous sufferer she could have helped me, her daughter.
I don't want to seem selfish but if you knew her you would understand. I might add that this year even though I told her I was feeling funny again and I had a major stress in my life, she has put on me so much and she told me in confidence she hated my dad and wanted to leave him. I took her away for a week and she spent the whole week doing nothing (I looked after my 2 kids, washed up, made all meals etc) but moan about my dad to me and in the end I told her to tell him because I was being put in the middle. Anyway she did tell him then immediately regretted it. She had just been dramatic and now she laughs saying she didn't know what came over her and she didn't appreciate him enough. So all the stress was for nothing, just a whim.
I love my mum but I needed to say all that. I get counselling as of next week so I can say all this there. She isn't all bad and she can be good but she has just upset me thats all.
So tonight I haqve some stuff to transfer my data onto the new PC and then its bed I think.
Tomorrow I am actually going to take my boy to nursery across town. I am scared but determined to start getting out again. Then I have to pick my mates little boy up and have him for a while. I agreed to do that before I felt this bad but I am sure I will cope with it. It will do me good.
I had better go eat something. I have gone from eating tons to not facing food.
Sleep well ladies.
Cokey xxx
Today has been weird. I started positively. My husband took the kids to nursery and his mums (she often has them for me) and it was the first time I was totally alone. My parents live across the road but they were away Monday/Tuesday and today. Because of my obsessive thought that I may commit suicide (I am petrified this illness will turn into full scale depression and I will take my life) I was scared of being alone totally without any distraction. Needless to say, as per usual I had a panic attack but I tried to keep myself busy until my husband returned and made some camomile tea which helped a lot. I was shaking all over and I even giggled to myself when I got pins and needles in my hands because I knew it was just anxiety.
My husband came home and we went to buy a PC. I hadn't eaten anything, so we went to Starbucks. Well sitting in a confined space with public sent my anxiety levels sky high and my thoughts went crazy. I was sure (within 10 minutes) my husband would kill me, I would kill myself or I was going to walk over to the baby being fed opposite me and slap it on the head!! (last one would not be funny to anyone but an obsessive thought sufferer but even I was able to dismiss that one it was too stupid).
Once we got out of there my anxiety reduced and we wnet to get the kids.
I was fine all afternoon then until we got back. My parents were back and they came over. Bearing in mind my mumhad PNI with OCD and also had bad paranoia with the menopause we all helped her through, I told her the thoughts I had in the cafe. Now I am upset because she basically out her head in her hands and looked like either a) I was a monster or b) I was upsetting her and it was too much for her.
I am so cross because I told her last week I was having suicidal thoughts (albeit just thoughts) and yet she still went away and then she comes back and makes me feel bad that either I have stressed her out or that I am a mad baby slapping beast. Needless to say I had a go at her. She just went quiet. My mum does this though sadly. I love her to bits but if anyone asks anything of her in the way of support, babysitting, anything - she tells the world its weighing down heavily on her and the problem becomes hers. For example she has my boy by choice once a week for a few hours but she tells all her mates she has the busiest life in the world because she constantly has my kids!!! She is on her own planet and my husband gets so mad about how she is. My grandma has early dementia and its not nice for my mum because she is the only child left nearby to look after her. However, I know today all she immediately thought was 'god I can't deal with you too'. I am cross because even if she felt like that, as my mother I wouldn't expect her to express it so soon. I haven't asked her for any help in this so far, my husband has been my rock.
So now I just won't tell her anything which is sad because as a previous sufferer she could have helped me, her daughter.
I don't want to seem selfish but if you knew her you would understand. I might add that this year even though I told her I was feeling funny again and I had a major stress in my life, she has put on me so much and she told me in confidence she hated my dad and wanted to leave him. I took her away for a week and she spent the whole week doing nothing (I looked after my 2 kids, washed up, made all meals etc) but moan about my dad to me and in the end I told her to tell him because I was being put in the middle. Anyway she did tell him then immediately regretted it. She had just been dramatic and now she laughs saying she didn't know what came over her and she didn't appreciate him enough. So all the stress was for nothing, just a whim.
I love my mum but I needed to say all that. I get counselling as of next week so I can say all this there. She isn't all bad and she can be good but she has just upset me thats all.
So tonight I haqve some stuff to transfer my data onto the new PC and then its bed I think.
Tomorrow I am actually going to take my boy to nursery across town. I am scared but determined to start getting out again. Then I have to pick my mates little boy up and have him for a while. I agreed to do that before I felt this bad but I am sure I will cope with it. It will do me good.
I had better go eat something. I have gone from eating tons to not facing food.
Sleep well ladies.
Cokey xxx