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Post by tabbysmum on Apr 12, 2008 6:58:45 GMT
Well thought I might as well give the diary a go and see if it helps, it's so hard to see how anything can help when you feel like this but am willing (like all of us) to try anything.
Had a really good few days, started my CBT a few days ago and I told the nurse all about the horrible scary thoughts - the only person I'd told up until that point apart from my mum. I came out feeling much better once the thoughts had been explained to me and I understood that they were meaningless and it was my reaction to them that was causing the problem. Touched on the subject of the thoughts with my husband later but didn't make a big deal out of it as I was feeling ok and they weren't a big deal, also spoke about it briefly with my cousin (who I'm very close to) so felt i'd taken a big step forward - until last night! Everything was fine but I was doing my usual thing of analysing everything until I got to the point where I'd reintroduced the fear of the thoughts - all by myself with no outside influence, ended up in a bit of a state. Told my husband some more about what was going on, through all the snot and tears, and he was very good, said there's no way I'd ever hurt my little girl as I'm too protective of her, but then spoilt it by telling me to "think about something else" aaarrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhh! Well why didn't I think of that, if only I'd realised it was that simple! Tried to explain to him that when you're in this thought, anxiety cycle you just can't switch off and think about other things, but I don't really think he understood it, he's trying to but he's just not an anxious person by nature whereas I always have been. Had a terrible nights sleep and then he went to work at 5:30 leaving me in a state because I was by myself with my lo. She woke up at 6 (which was early even by her standards!) and I was really struggling, it was too early to phone anyone so just had to get on with it, felt so tense, my back and neck were (and still are) really hurting. Managed to get through breakfast and I'm a tiny bit calmer now but am clock watching waiting for hubby to come home at 11. I know it's the ocd playing tricks on me but at the minute that's giving me no comfort. I've dug my copy of Bridget Jones's Diary out as I need to stop thinking so much and laugh a bit more.
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Post by winegirl on Apr 12, 2008 7:35:03 GMT
Hi Tabbysmum
I am glad the CBT and talking to your husband went well. I know your husbands comment `think of something else' isnt very helpful, my hubby would say the exact same thing. I think because they havent been through it they lack understanding and like to offe practical solutions - even if they dont work!
When you say you are waiting for hubby to come home att 11 i assume you mean 11 in the morning??
You know where I am if you need to talk hun. You are doin really well you just need to believe it xx
Take Care
WG xx
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Post by cokey on Apr 12, 2008 8:51:47 GMT
Your poor thing.
Like you tell me, you will be fine. Its just a blip and it will be short lived because you have been so well. Its just anxiety, it cannot and will not ever hurt you or your lo. It just feels nasty, more than nasty.
You know where I am and a massive well done for telling your husband because that is such a big thing to do in entirety.
You know where I am, am on mobile all day.
Cokey xx
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Post by littlelotty on Apr 14, 2008 9:53:24 GMT
Hi
How has your day been today? I hope you are well, like your hubby mine comes out with the wrong things at time and I know I give him a hard time and I think he worries he can't say anything right so I have started to accept that he is a man and they are a different spieces all together!!! We have to explain things to them so they understand and even then they don't !!!
Hope you have a good day and we are all here for you.
Take Care
LittleLotty
xx
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Post by tabbysmum on Apr 14, 2008 10:10:14 GMT
Hi all,
thanks for the messages of support. Not sure whether it's been a good idea telling my oh, he doesn't mention it unless I do, which on the one hand is good, but on the other hand he either thinks:
1) I'm a loony
2) Not the woman he married
3) Boring
4) Self Obsessed
5) Dangerous
6) All of the above
Feel quite lonely really. Was thinking yesterday that we don't seem to have any time or affection for each other just lately, but I suppose that's a combination of having a baby and me being paranoid. Also feel each time I'm having a bad day and struggling to hold it together that I'm letting him down in some way, it's like I sense his disapproval, but then like I said, I am paranoid and over sensitive these days.
I'm probably feeling a little bit better than I was, trying to keep myself busy in order to keep the thoughts at bay. Hubby is on his late shift again this week so will find it hard being on my own with the lo all week, just wish I could stop obsessing about these bloody thoughts - it's driving me mad.
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Post by littlelotty on Apr 14, 2008 10:17:16 GMT
Hi Tabbysmum
I am sure he does not think the above! Although I think I could probably be most of them!!! Once you are feeling better with the PNI those will go though I am sure! I know what it is like to not have much time or affection with each other - we are a bit the same but since going to relate it has helped us to talk to each and try to rebuild the affection side - although OH probably thinks that is sex which is off my list!!!
I hope you have a good day and like you I find it easier to keep busy. We are here for you if you need though.
Take Care
LittleLotty
xx
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Post by cokey on Apr 14, 2008 10:34:45 GMT
He won't think you are dangerous, if he did he wouldnt leave you alone  ) Even if he does think the other things, make a list of what you think of him when he leaves his socks on the floor, pots on the table, shoes all over, etc etc - the list would be longer. It doesn't really matter what he thinks about it, he loves you and when this is over you will be fine as usual (inc romantically). He is most likely above all else, worried for you. Men suck when times are easy, and they still suck when times are hard ) You know where I am this week (evenings especially). Cokey xx |
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Post by winegirl on Apr 14, 2008 13:33:53 GMT
Hi Lydia
He is probebly just trying to be helpful by not saying anything to you about it for fear of upsetting you (men do work different to us dont they?)
You are doing really well hun, and you have managed brilliantly with the thought. Hang in there hun, not long now before they go all together x
You know where I am x
WG x
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Post by sianyc on Apr 15, 2008 8:02:26 GMT
I agree with WG, I know that my oh only ever brought the subject up when I was upset and obviously having a bad day. Often he wouldn't even mention it then.
He's probably thinks that talking about it will upset you and if you're having a good day, just remind you of it. I printed something off the interent for my oh when I was first diagnosed. My memory fails me regarding what site it was but it was bascially a list for partners of PNI sufferers of what not to do and what not to say! Very helpful!
I'm sure he doesn't think any less of you. He's most likely concerned about you and wondering how long it takes to go away x
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Post by tabbysmum on Apr 15, 2008 8:27:40 GMT
Well managed to get through another day. Went to see my GP (only because she'd asked me to go back), she offered me a few words of encouragement and said the offer of medication of there if i wanted to go down that route but don't want that unless I really have to. Work was boring as usual, picked lo up from nursery and me, her and my son went to the pub for tea. By the time I'd got home, bathed, fed and put her to bed it was 8 o'clock and I was shattered so just chilled on the settee and watched some rubbish on Sky - and I was fine and relaxed until I started dwelling on those damn thoughts. I'd managed to get through the whole evening without them bothering me (they were there but I was ignoring them) and then 30 minutes before hubby was due home from work, I started freaking out. I was too scared to get off the sofa in case I went upstairs and carried the thoughts out. Kept telling myself they were only thoughts and my reaction to them was causing the anxiety and nothing else. Then Tabitha started crying so I had to go upstairs and sort her out anyway, I was fine, but found it scary, didn't want to be near her. Didn't sleep very well but that's par for the course these days. Today I am being positive, they are only thoughts, they can come and go as they please, they will not bother me.  |
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Post by cokey on Apr 15, 2008 9:04:15 GMT
Hi TM
I am so sorry you had a rough night. I would say I am cross you didn't ring me when you were freaking out but on the other hand I am so pleased you didn't. The fact you had to see to Tabitha even though you were freaking out and you did it completely on your own is such a huge achievement in OCD stakes. You should be so proud of yourself. You faced the dog right in the face instead of running from it. Each time you do that, you take a step forward.
Of course, you know where I am though if you can't cope. You think what you have achieved the past few days. You were alone the morning you felt so bad (sat i think), you drove to your mums sunday and then you faced your fears head on last night. Thats such a lot to achieve.
Cokey xxx
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Post by tabbysmum on Apr 15, 2008 14:14:08 GMT
Been thinking/analysing my thoughts all day and starting to get a bit jittery. I totally agree with Scarlet saying PNI has become our passion and we need to find a replacement for it. I was talking to my GP about this yesterday and I told her I felt I was deliberately thinking really scary thoughts just to see how much they freaked me out, she agreed and said it's a learnt behaviour/bad habit that needs breaking, and I do feel the thoughts have become a habit. I know if I wasn't suffering with anxiety I wouldn't react to them the way I do but I also feel I'm somehow doing it on purpose - which makes absolutely no sense at all. Why would anyone want to think about such awful things that scare the living daylights out of them deliberately?
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Post by cokey on Apr 15, 2008 16:22:11 GMT
Hey tabbysmum
No I know exactly what you mean. Its like I would feel normal if I wasn't making myself think I am ill. I also try to think bad things to see how I react. I guess OCD is that. Because you obsess anout your worst fear, your brain is testing your response and it twists and turns to test every angle.
The thing is with OCD, is its a behavioual disorder and no matter how hard we rationalise and try to make ourselves well, truly the only way is to just let it be. Its not easy and the more jittery and anxious you get the more the thoughts will be exascerbated.
Like you I know the link is between the anxiety levels and the thoughts and if my anxiety level is reduced, the thoughts aren't so troublesome.
I am going to PM you with something that helped me.
Cokey xx
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Post by winegirl on Apr 15, 2008 20:06:39 GMT
Hi Tabbysmum
Interestingly while you were busy with work, going out to tea etc the thoughts didnt bother you. But as soon as there was nothing for you to do they come and bite you. The more you have time without them (through keeping distracted etc) the more your brain will get used to not having them and soon you will be able to chill out in front of the telly without thinking these things.
It is a vicious circle but you can and will get out of it.
How have things been with you and hubby?
Always here
WG x
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Post by tabbysmum on Apr 16, 2008 8:00:58 GMT
Well last night was hellish. I started the day really well, was feeling positive etc etc, but as the day progressed I started feeling quite tense and anxious. Picked my lo up from nursery and went to visit my aunt which was fine, got home about 6 o'clock, usual routine of bath, bottle and bed and all was fine until I put her to bed and then the brooding and analysing started until I worked myself up into such a state I didn't know what to do with myself (thanks Cokey for being there for me  . Hubby was at work until 10:30, hence too much time on my own with my thoughts. I tried to have a bath and lasted about 3 minutes as I was too scared to be upstairs with Tabitha in the next room. My mum phoned me about 9:30 and I acted perfectly normal, didn't want to tell her how I was feeling (which I normally do) as I wanted the distraction of a normal conversation, which did help a bit, managed to keep her talking until hubby came home. He got it with both barrels the second he came in, snot, tears, red swollen eyes, me clinging and hysterical. He said you know you wont hurt her, you're too protective, and I do know that, but we all know how real it feels at the time. I told him I felt that I was letting him down, he said I wasn't at all and he wished he could do or say something that would help. I didn't want to take her to nursery today as when I'm around her I feel much better, it's working myself up wondering how I'm going to feel when she comes home that seems to start me off and then when I put her to bed and I'm on my own I'm off again. I think this is as bad as I've been, equal I suppose to when it first started - which was nearly 8 months ago. I'm hoping this is it doing it's worst and things can only get better from now on. |
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. Hubby was at work until 10:30, hence too much time on my own with my thoughts. I tried to have a bath and lasted about 3 minutes as I was too scared to be upstairs with Tabitha in the next room. My mum phoned me about 9:30 and I acted perfectly normal, didn't want to tell her how I was feeling (which I normally do) as I wanted the distraction of a normal conversation, which did help a bit, managed to keep her talking until hubby came home. He got it with both barrels the second he came in, snot, tears, red swollen eyes, me clinging and hysterical. He said you know you wont hurt her, you're too protective, and I do know that, but we all know how real it feels at the time. I told him I felt that I was letting him down, he said I wasn't at all and he wished he could do or say something that would help. I didn't want to take her to nursery today as when I'm around her I feel much better, it's working myself up wondering how I'm going to feel when she comes home that seems to start me off and then when I put her to bed and I'm on my own I'm off again. I think this is as bad as I've been, equal I suppose to when it first started - which was nearly 8 months ago. I'm hoping this is it doing it's worst and things can only get better from now on.