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Post by marion on Aug 9, 2006 15:59:12 GMT
8 is good!!!!!! You're right about the confidence thing with Chloe - once I've spent the whole day with her I'll be fine I know I will - it's just the doing it again which is daft as I looked after her all the time before! I have a friend coming over tuesday so that will help and I'm at the childminders for the day with her too tomorrow so tha't's sort of looking after her, just having someone else there for a bit of moral support. We'll get there!
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Post by sarajay28 on Aug 9, 2006 20:19:32 GMT
Hi Naomi and Marion,
I think you are both doing fantastically well, i really do admire your strength and determination to beat this horrible illness. The health service could really do with taking heed of the stories that are written on here, like marion said Naomi you really write well and your descriptions are fantastic. Well done for being involved in the book, what an achievement for you to have, and what a great thing to be able to show your daughter when she grows up, how proud of mummy will she be?
I am so glad you are both doing well, don't let your enthusiasm drop, you are amazing.
Loadsa Love
Sarah.xxx
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Post by cheshire on Aug 9, 2006 20:53:50 GMT
Hi Naomi,
I worked some of today and failed to see the post about your writing...but..
WELL DONE! That is excellent that you contributed to the book!
I am sure that all of your writing will touch hearts and give many/ all so much hope.
Thanks, really glad you joined us Love and hugs, Hopefulxxx
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matty
Full member
Posts: 56
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Post by matty on Aug 9, 2006 22:44:00 GMT
Hi Naomi,
I've read the next bit of your story and the pros and cons of being in the hospital. I know I can't compare my story to yours as you were separated from your baby whilst I had mine with me all the time, it musted be such a difficult time for you, you a are really strong person. I appreciate having the opportunity to read your reflections. I also felt at times that I could not ask anyone about my condition as the proffessionals were either busy either looked bored. But there were some great nurses I could often talk to. I was also often bored, as well as the other in-patients, and was dissapointed that there was so much staff but noone to initiate any activity apart from art classes, baby massage or a group therapy which was really not enough for all the mums in the unit feeling really low. Thanks again for sharing your story, Naomi, glad you came to the forum. Hope it gets better for you with each day the life brings and you will feel 10 out of 10 very soon.
Love
xxx Matty
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naomi
Senior Member
Made it through the long recovery from PP!
Posts: 216
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Post by naomi on Aug 10, 2006 19:20:31 GMT
Hi Sarah, Hopeful and Matty
Thanks again for your words of support, you are very special people! I'm recommending the forum to everyone I meet at the moment - my Health Visitor, a friend who's a breastfeeding counsellor, my psychologist... the list goes on! I feel passionate about enabling women with PNI to access the suport we all so desperately need. When Anya goes to school I hope to run a PND/PNI support group in my town in Devon, and my HV is very supportive about this.
Thanks again, girls, your support means an awful lot to me
Nay x
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naomi
Senior Member
Made it through the long recovery from PP!
Posts: 216
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Post by naomi on Aug 11, 2006 11:47:26 GMT
A bit of a lighter post... Here's some of the funny things I did and thought whilst having PP, it does make me laugh when I look back, I was so manic! When my friends came round before I was admitted, I said to them all that I would roll naked down the high-street if it would help save the world!!!!! I have no idea how I thought this would help... hehehe I described my brain as a 'fried egg head' - it did feel as though the circuits in my head were somehow fried! When I was in the hospital, I asked another patient to take all the women's magazines into my room for me as I was convinced there was one with a date from the future which contained messages for me about my life to come! He duly did it for me! One night we had arctic roll for pudding (the food in there was disgusting) and for some reason it made me have a giggling fit because I wanted to do a forward roll... crazy eh? In the end, I amused the other patients by doing the splits in the main foyer! Well, you have to laugh about these things eh? I'm so glad that the antipsychotics sorted me out so quickly as it wasn't so funny for the people who cared about me. Hope this made you laugh too! Naomi xx
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gail
Senior Member
have 1 daughter and have had this since 30 weeks of pregnancy :( my daughter is 27 months.
Posts: 373
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Post by gail on Aug 11, 2006 16:49:34 GMT
hi naomi
my word! hormones do have a lot to answer for!! i can totally empathise with you,as, while i did not have pp, i did and thought very strange thoughts indeed! mine were more on the scary end of the spectrum though.
i wanted to ask a question, i have often wondered about the time scale of recover for those who develop PP - do you recover pretty quickly, or do you still get left with postnatal depression afterwards? i have always thought that it gets controlled easily and you recover in a matter of weeks - short and intense. what is your experience?
it seems cruel that you have had the double blow of PP and then awful postnatal illness
here for you gailxxx
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naomi
Senior Member
Made it through the long recovery from PP!
Posts: 216
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Post by naomi on Aug 11, 2006 17:27:29 GMT
Hi gail
I did read somewhere that women who have PP do tend to get PND afterwards, almost like coming down from the high with a crashing low. A good friend of mine who's a psychiatrist said to me that I should expect at least a year to fully recover from PP, and that seems to be ringing true with me.
I think if caught early, PP is usually treatment-responsive i.e. the antipsychotics bring down the mania and sort out the delusions. However some women do get relapses of psychosis as they recover. For a few women, anti-psychotics don't work and other forms of treatment such as ECT have to be tried. I read one woman's story who had PP for 8 months and was in a mother and baby unit all that time until ECT successfully treated her... I felt so sorry for her and realise how lucky I am that mine was spotted quickly and responded to the first anti-p they tried (olanzapine).
Thanks for being there, Love Naomi x
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naomi
Senior Member
Made it through the long recovery from PP!
Posts: 216
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Post by naomi on Aug 13, 2006 15:40:15 GMT
Hi everyone, here's a little more of my story
The dark days of depression and light at the end of a long, long tunnel
January 2006 should have been a really happy time for me. I'd come through the acute stage of PP, managed to have Anya's first Christmas with family up North, and had come home with a beautiful daughter, ready to spend time getting to know her again and just being a 'normal' mum. The thing was, I just felt so terribly alone...
I had almost perceptibly felt my mood drop as we flew back to Devon from our Christmas with family, like a sudden chill in the air. The excitement I'd felt on our outgoing flight just wasn't there any more. Simon was going back to work, and I realised I was going to have to do this mum thing on my own for the first time.
Anya was tiny, just 8 weeks old, but she was slowly waking up and becoming more aware of the world. I couldn't count on her sleeping for 3 hours between feeds any more, and I really had no idea what to do with her. I still feel pangs of guilt now about the amount of time she spent just lying under her baby gym with me sitting, frozen, in the corner wondering what the hell I was supposed to be doing.
Increasingly, I felt panicky and anxious about spending time alone with Anya. I was petrified that my low mood would have an impact on her, and worried constantly about her development and the bonding process, yet I just didn't seem able to cuddle her apart from when I was feeding her. As the days wore on, I realised I was suffering from full-blown anxiety and depression (having had episodes of this before the pregnancy), and went to see my psychiatrist. I remember the sense of relief washing over me when he prescribed Seroxat, as this had worked very well for me before, and I really felt it would just be a matter of weeks and I'd be back on form again.
In reality, whilst the anxiety symptoms lessened, my enthusiasm and even my love for Anya continued to plummet and I spent a lot of time just crying and wondering why I couldn't feel normal emotions for this beautiful little person. I confided in my friend S many times, often saying 'I don't want to be a mum, I've made a mistake'. Eventually, the depression was so bad that Simon had to take time off work to help me care for Anya. The Crisis Team were involved quite regularly, and I was brought up sharp one evening when a very honest CPN told me that I HAD to make the effort to be Anya's main caregiver, otherwise we just wouldn't bond...
Simon did his best to get me up and doing things every day, even though I had very little motivation. We shared the feeds, but looking back I think he did the majority of caring for Anya in cuddles, dressing her and playing with her. I felt lost somewhere in the dark recesses of my mind. I began to fantasise about killing myself, justifying the selfishness of such a decision by thinking how much better off Anya would be without a depressed mum. I desperately didn't want her to grow up under the shadow of this awful illness.
One day, Simon took us out walking along some cliffs by the sea, and I noticed a gap in the fences leading to a sheer, rocky drop. The image lodged itself in my mind, and I felt a sudden calm inside me thinking 'this is where I would come and throw myself off'. A few bleak days passed, and I continued to think about the spot. One Saturday night, I felt a sudden moment of decisiveness and said to myself 'I'm going to kill myself tonight'. I lay awake that night, then quietly got out of bed and put my clothes on top of the washing basket. I stood for ages in the silent hallway and thought about the horror Si would feel when he got up and realised I'd gone. I deliberated, and then couldn't make the move to leave so I went back to bed.
On Sunday morning I woke feeling absolutely dreadful, I couldn't face another day feeling like this. Si went for his shower, and I suddenly realised that this was my only chance to run out... My clothes were still folded in a neat pile on top of the washing basket. I quickly dressed and grabbed my car keys, running outside to the car. Somebody 'up there' has a sense of humour, as my key immediately stuck in the lock and just wouldn't come out. I wrestled with it for ages, to no avail. I went back to the house and met Si at the bathroom door. 'I've done something stupid, I've got the car key stuck in the lock'... Si knew immediately what I'd been trying to do and just shouted and then burst into tears.
I'd got so low that I really didn't feel safe, and Si felt the pressure of having to watch me all the time, so we got the Crisis Team out and they agreed to phone me every morning to get me out of bed and check what thoughts I'd been having. However, within a day I knew this wasn't enough and called another meeting to say I needed to go back into hospital. Both Si and I felt this was the right decision, although it was heart-wrenching to drive back through those gates again...
My anti-depressants were reviewed and increased twice whilst I was back in hospital, and slowly I regained the will and determination to live for my daughter and wonderful husband again. The evenings dragged terribly, and a little group of us would huddle together and play cards. I remember thinking 'what am I doing here? I want to be at home being a mum and putting my little girl to bed'. Seeing the other patients this time made me realise just how ill I'd been whilst psychotic, and made me even more keen to recover and get back home to start living again.
I'm blessed to have a number of friends with babies from our church, who really wanted to help. So when I came out of hospital in March this year, Simon and I set about filling up my week with baby groups, swimming and seeing supportive friends. Whilst I've often had to do these activities feeling no pleasure whatsoever, I know it's been good for Anya to have a weekly routine, and to get 'moments' of connection with me as we play at baby groups or splash in the swimming pool.
Gradually, I've had longer periods of feeling like the normal me, and it's been so wonderful to see Anya growing in confidence with me, and pure joy when she gives me a little smile or a giggle. Nowadays, I seem to be experiencing a hormonally-related pattern where I have 2-3 good weeks, followed by 1-2 weeks of depression. It's hard not to get scared during these times and I often feel I'm back to square one, but I still try and get out with Anya, and she remains her happy little self!
Hope this shares some sense of hope for the future for all those still experiencing PNI - we will get through, it's just a long process.
Naomi x
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Post by cheshire on Aug 13, 2006 16:51:43 GMT
Hi Naomi, Thanks again for sharing more of your story - I'm not sure what to say - but I think you are amazing!xx Whilst I did not suffer from PP, I can certainly identify with where you say ''Nowadays, I seem to be experiencing a hormonally-related pattern where I have 2-3 good weeks, followed by 1-2 weeks of depression''. That seems to be my pattern too just now - around my cycle, so it helps to know I am not alone (I am havinga period just now ). I think I have noticed this more as my '2-3' weeks have become really good each month - and so the '1-2' bad ones really stand out as being the time when I feel worse. But as you say, we'll get there - it does take time - but we will. Just glad you felt you could share your story with others and give that hopexx Love and hugs, Hopefulx
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naomi
Senior Member
Made it through the long recovery from PP!
Posts: 216
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Post by naomi on Aug 13, 2006 17:12:25 GMT
I know exactly what you mean Hopeful - the contrast between the good weeks (which are too getting better and better f or me) and the down ones is so stark sometimes!
Thanks for helping me realise I'm not alone in this
Nay x
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Post by jemmarobin on Aug 16, 2006 16:47:25 GMT
Hi Naomi, hopeful, matty, gail, anybody else! I've just joined the forum and I'm really happy there is a specific bit for pp. I've read through all the posts in this thread and I just wanted to say I think it's great you all seem really supportive of eachother and that I'm grateful to Naomi for telling her story.
I too had pp and was in hospital on and off for about 6 months, I'm thinking of maybe doing a 'my story' bit too if you think anyone would be interested? as was in a mbu in bristol and I know those are few and far between. am also suffering with a leftover deep depression that I cant seem to shake off so it was encouraging (in a way!) to see you guys mention this 'hangover' of pp as well. hope you are all ok this week xxxx
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Post by yoyo on Aug 16, 2006 19:43:04 GMT
hi jemmarobin, so glad you've found us here. Hope this forum is aource of hope and encouragement to you too x
Please do share your story when you feel you can, I'm sure it will help many other women as the stories you've read on here have helped you too x x
Keep talking x It does help x
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Post by cheshire on Aug 16, 2006 22:00:01 GMT
Hi Jemma robin
Welcome to the sitexx
Please feel free to use the site in any way that helps x
Hopefulx
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Post by marion on Aug 17, 2006 15:25:55 GMT
Hi everone Jemmarobyn - we would love to hear your story if you feel upto sharing it with us. Naomi - as I've said before, I've not had pp but so much of what you write regarding the pnd side rings true with me. I too had reached the point where I knew I wasnt safe at home but realising that and having to go back into hosp is so hard. It was the 2nd time this year I'd hada to go in and you just think I cant believe I'm here again. I swore after the 1st time that nothing would make me go back no matter how bad it got as I had to be there for Chloe but sometimes you just cant and you hvae to get yourself well so that your children can have a mum again. I too went through the cycles of being bad for 2 weeks (1 week really bad, a week recovering) and 2 weeks ok whcih always tied in with my periods. I'm glad to say that this has passed for me (touch wood!!!!) right now. I dont know if it's the new anti d's I'm on or the evening primrose and agnus castus herbal stuff I take for pmt but I've not had the cycling for a couple of months. Granted, for about 6 weeks I was just completely down all the time but for the last few weeks things are getting better around the time of the month. I've also started back on the pill which has really regulated things for me. Marion.
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