hi all- my PP experience

[vicky]

Hi,

I was diagnosed with PP when my daughter was 6 weeks old I started to see things when she was 2 days old but the psychiatrists Weren't;t sure if this was severe depression/lack of sleep or PP. Eventually I started olanzapine and all the thoughts, voices etc went. I had some truly terrifying times when I was convinced the baby was shouting at me and saying horrible things to me like telling me to kill myself as I was such a awful person. Not to mention feeling that my hands were possessed by the devil. I was in psych unit for a month and then allowed home. My mum and dad retired early to care for me and my daughter at her house. I was lucky as I would have been in hospital much longer without their support. I returned to my house when she was 6 months old at Christmas. I was then on lithium and anti depressants (my third ones Mirtazapine 45mg). I came off lithium in april but have found it really hard and saw my CPN today and will prob restart the lithium again and remain on this for a year. I feel disappointed that I will have to go back on lithium again but I know I need to get better. In April I felt almost back to normal so hopefully I will get better again. I just thought that now Lottie is nearly 14 months old that I would be well and I am so sick and tired of feeling so bad. I have a very loving family and husband but I'm sure they are running out of energy and patience. I feel like I have missed out on so much already I just want to enjoy my daughter the way other women do.

[winegirl]

Hi Vicky

Welcome to the site. I can totally relate when you say you have missed out on so much already and just want to be able to enjoy your daughter like other women do. I used to look at women in the park or at cafes with their babies convixed that would be me one day, but my baby is now 15 months and none of this has happened yet.

The good news is that I know it's not forever and when I am fully recovered we are going to have the best time! I have a huge list of things I want to do with her!

I am sorry you have had such a horrid time of it, but it seems like you are in the recovery stage now and I hope it is not a long one for you.

I hope you find the site useful and come back and chat anytime you need to, we are all here to support.

Love

Winegirl x

[destiny]

Hi Vicky

I totally empathise..

" I feel like I have missed out on so much already I just want to enjoy my daughter the way other women do. "

The first few months of motherhood have been a total blur. Large events such and christenings, holidays etc have gone by in a haze. When people ask about my early experience I draw a blank. It's this that I find hard. And although I know my son adores me and our bond is strong when he blanks me or favours his father or other relatives when I'm around I feel stung. He's now 20 months and still doesn't recognised mummy as a word and instead utters daddy daddy which is sweet but painful sometimes.

Recovery from PP can be slow. I'm deemed recovered but I still get monitored by my psychiatrist looking out for severe dips in my mood. I've gone from manic/psychotic to level so far but everytime I feel low I wonder whether my PP has returned and flipped the other way.

Support, medication and lots of tlc helped. You are lucky you have the support. The medication will help. Now it's down to you... lots of tlc, taking time out, and the like.

My psychiatrist actually said to me that part of my speedy recovery was the fact that I had actually started to look after myself. I thought that this was interesting as I hadn't realised that the care and attention I applied to me actually instigated getting well.

You can pull through this. Think forward and try not to dwell to much on the whys and what ifs.

Take care.

x

[lindy]

Hi all posted my long winded story of my experience with pp on the other page but can totally relate to the feeling of missing out on your child growing up as i like destiny everything up till she was 16 months was going through the motions!! I also have a older boy and i think his avourite saying was mummy please don't cry !!!

Everything is finally better although defiently still struggle but we r making up for lost time know!!!!!
Much love
Lindyx

[tracy77]

hi there
i can relate to what your saying im currantly on olanzapine which has just been increased as my head feels like its going a hundred miles an hour
i only just managed only by a thread to stay out of hospital i cant imagine how scared u must have been i felt lost as if i was in a big hole and i couldnt find my way out i had to be supervised 24 hours a day by my partner bacause i was deemed a danger to myself and my daughter
i too feel like i have missed out on my daughters few weeks as all i seemed to do is cry or be in a different world and its hard trying to keep things away from your children i tried to keep everything away from my little boy but its not easy trying to explain whay mammy is crying
please feel free to message me if u need to talk
take care
tracy xxx

[vicky]

Hi Tracy

Thank you for your message I first posted on this site about a year ago and I am pleased to say things are a million times better for me now. They will improve for you in time now I am off my anti depressants now and feel so much more like my normal self which I never thought would be possible.

I can honestly say now my daughter and I are so close people are totally shocked when they find out I didn't start to bond with her until she was about 14 months old. Chidren are incredibly resilient.

It is such a horribly shocking illness that makes people act in such bizarre and scary ways and it does take a long time to rebuild yourself again and learn to trust yourself. I still have weekly psychotherapy which really helps me put things int perspective as I am still my biggest critic!

So I guess I would say don't be too hard on yourself , take each minute or hour or day at a time and with the right support and medication you ill get through this and come out the other end a much stronger lady.

Take care
Vicky x