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Post by elisavoula on Nov 11, 2007 12:00:54 GMT
Hi everyone...
I am new here. In July 2004 I had a baby girl, Elisavoula who sadly died a few days later. In less than a week I was hospitalised after trying to end my life. I have hard a ery hard time ever since. I was diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder last year of which they are still unsure of. I recently came off meds to try to conceive. I can't do it..the memories are so raw and the absolute horror and pain so real. Noone really has spoken to me about her since she died...my husband says he can function by avoiding talking about her because for him...her life almost resulted in him losing me and the pain is too great. Sadly it doesn't help me. I spent 5 weeks in a psych ward earlier this year for complicated grief therapy...excruciating. I am switching between feeling it was all a dream to looking at my stretchmarks and realising the whole experience was v real. I really don't know what to do..my mood swings have returned and my PMS brings up severe suicidal thoughts. I see my psych 2 times a week and my pdoc every fortnight. Any help would be great! Has anyone experienced all of this?
Love Katherine
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Post by bam02 on Nov 11, 2007 13:51:20 GMT
Hi Katherine ,
So sorry to hear of your lose for you little girl. I haven't had the same experience - but a close friend of mine we met at antenatal classes lost her baby she was still born in 1994 at the same time two days later I had my son - now 12. soon 13.
We kept in touch nad she now has two children age 11 and 9 , I have another daughter age 5.
She coped in a way I am sure I couldn't ... But that is her story and she has had two more children , but I have not forgot the first child and we talk about her.
I also have a query mood disorder and am taking mood stablisers - but I am so much better. Bi - polar has been mentioned , but I am not sure about it.
The fact you considered ending your life I can totaly understand and have to grieve for the potential of that child's life must be so difficult and hard to consider the future. But I think in time you will. I understand your partner not wanting to talk - but it must make it harder for you.
I am sorry I have no answers , but I am listening and wanted you know we will listen.
BAM
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Post by marion on Nov 11, 2007 14:16:50 GMT
Hi Katherine
Firstly welcome to the site.
Althoguh Ihave not shared the same terrible experiences as you I do know what it is like to have such severe depression you consider suicide. I have lost count of how many overdoses I have taken and I have been in psych hosp for 14 mths now but should be discharged soon into supported accomodation. People dont understnad why you take overdoses or sttempt suicide but you really feel you have no other option.
I know a lot of people who are bi polar and they are such special people. So caring and thoughtful - infact one of my best friends is bi polar - she's been a real support to me.
Just wanted to know I am here for you if you need anyone to talk to. I'm sure you will find great support on this site. It;s been a real lifeline to me.
Lots of love Marion.
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Post by winegirl on Nov 11, 2007 20:20:05 GMT
Hi Katherine
I am sorry I have no experience of what you are going through. But wanted to welcome you to the site x I hope you find the support we have to offer here of some comfort to you.
I am so sorry for your loss hun, and everything you have gone through since. I do hope you can come back and talk to us about it anytime.
Love
Winegirl x
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Post by stevensmummy on Nov 11, 2007 21:04:46 GMT
Hi Katherine
Welcome to the site, I am afraid I have not experienced what you are going thro, but I wanted to extend a welcome and offer my support. I hope you find support and comfort from the ladies on here.
We are all here to listen.
With love
Sarah x
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Post by Veritee on Nov 11, 2007 21:17:31 GMT
Dear Katherine Welcome to our forum. I do hope it will help you at least a little? Please feel free to post in any section on here that you can relate to. I too have no direct experience of what you have been through with the death of your lovely Elisavoula after she was born. But I have had miscarriages - they were early on and I think this may be different from actually giving birth and a child who dies shortly after wards? However we have had women on this site who have been in the same position as you, women who have suffered PNI due to a miscarriage, a still birth or their child dieing very soon after birth. One of our management committee - who is also a friend - had a full term still birth about 2 years ago and suffered PNI afterward, and while she does not participate on this forum she really wants this service to be helpful for those in this position - as do I. If you can not speak of your experience and how you feel about Elisavoula anywhere else, would it help to speak of her here and of how you feel? We are always here to listen and would want to . We would love to hear about Elisavoula . Do you have pictures of Elisavoula as this can be really helpful? I digitally altered a picture of my friends baby who died so she looked as she would be in life, so she had this to remember her by. This can be helpful. I also know of a lovely woman - I only recently came in contact with her but I do count her as a friend already - she is lovely - who runs a charity in Cornwall where I am based for those who have lost their babies - Her charity web site is: www.forgetmenotbaby.orgIf she can not help directly she may have some contacts nearer to you. I know you do not live in Cornwall but she is a lovely lady who has been through the same thing and maybe you could contact her as well as sharing on our forum? I personally do not have Bi-polar or rather have never been diagnosed with this, but I have suffered other mental health issues apart from PNI and was hospitalized in a psych hospital many years ago. Also one of my best friends has Bi-polar and I fostered her boy for three months during her last bad episode and visited her every day .. So I have some idea about what this is and what it may mean for you. So I hope you feel that this forum can be of mutual support to you ( we are not experts but can offer understanding and mutual support) All the best Veritee
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Post by monica on Nov 11, 2007 22:37:34 GMT
Hello and welcome
I am so sorry for your loss and your suffering since your daughter died. The grief you suffered and are suffering is awful and I'm sure extremely difficult to bear. I canunderstand why the thought of conceiving is so difficult for you.
We lost a baby boy at 19 weeks this summer and it is very hard. After giving birth your hormones are all over the place but not having a baby there makes it doubly difficult.
I got PNI after my second child (the baby who died was our third) and three months on I can feel it strarting up again. It is so important to have an outlet for your grief and someone to talk to - I too have encountered many people who have never talked about my baby with me probably for fear of upsetting me more than any ignorance on their part and especially with time, I think others expect me to be ok but often things aren't. men often deal with grief by not talking about it.
Have you had any counselling re: loss of your baby? I know the hsopital where I had my baby has support midwives who have offered to talk to us if we need it. In my area there are also groups for people who have lost babies - I think it's a good opportunity to talk about your baby and your feelings with others who have gone through the same, if that's what you want to do.
Please feel free to use the forum to talk about your baby. Maybe this would help. The ladies here are wonderful and have much experience of suffering with this awful illness.
Love
Monica
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Post by chica on Nov 12, 2007 8:58:31 GMT
Hi Katherine, I too just want to send you a very warm welcome to the sight. I am afraid also that I am not in a position, to truly understand your grief, as I have not been through what you have had to suffer, and I would not even dare say I can imagine it. Please please please, feel free to post as much or as little as you like, maybe as Veritee has suggested talking about your beautiful little girl here, will help. All the ladies on here are terrific, you are no longer alone with your fears, grief and despair.
Sending you huge amounts of love, hugs and strength.
Chica
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Post by cheshire on Nov 12, 2007 11:48:05 GMT
Dear Katherine,
Welcome to the site from me too. As many of the others have said, I have no expereince of what you've been through and cannot for a moment imagine your pain. But please feel free to use the forum for your own support - everyone really is very helpful and supportive.
Thinking of you Hopefulx
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Post by elisavoula on Nov 12, 2007 17:19:01 GMT
Hello ladies...
Thanks all so much for your compassion and support. Really need it right now and always I guess. I never received any counselling after her death....not until this year when I was in hospital for grief therapy...my psych say's I am in my first year of grieving as I haven't been grieving till now. I feel rather sick in the stomach...am meant to be asleep..but have been tossing n turning all night.
Elisavoula lived for 3 days...I gave birth to her by emergency Caesarian on July 22nd 2004 and she went straight onto a ventilator because she was born with severe birth defects. Externally she was perfect. We had her Christened on the 2nd day and withdrew her life support on the 3rd day. I thought I killed her, a feeling and belief that haunts me to this very day....that's where my life began to fall apart.
I shall write again later...
Luv Katherine
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Post by winegirl on Nov 12, 2007 18:48:12 GMT
Oh Katherine how sad you should feel the way you do about turning off Elisavoula's life support, when that is all you could have done.
I am glad you have found us hre and hope we can be of ongoing support to you.
My heart is with you x
Winegirl x
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Post by stevensmummy on Nov 12, 2007 21:06:55 GMT
I am so sorry to hear that you feel that way. It really was the only thing that could have been done. You acted so bravely.
You have been thro a terrible time and I hope that you find the courage to discuss Elisavoula with us, we are here to listen and help any way that we can.
Thinking of you, with love
Sarah x
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Post by Veritee on Nov 12, 2007 22:45:41 GMT
Oh! Katherine We all feel for you and so want to be of some support to you.
Turning off your lovely Elisavoula's life support must have been just so hard And very brave of you to do.
I know what we say will not be adequate - how can anything anyone say ever be?
and I understand totally that you feel you killed her and perhaps why .
But you did not You ended her suffering - as any loving mother would - loving her so much, could you have done anything else?
She would not have wanted to be sustained by life support if she could not sustain her own life herself
I know she never grew up to tell you this - but I know that this would be so. But I do understand a little why this may haunt you. I have things that haunt me and for much less reason
Please feel you can use this site as much or as little as will be helpful
We are not experts or professionals and what we say might not always be the right thing or help you ..
but we will share our feelings and want to try to support you as our hearts go out to you
Veritee
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Post by Scarlet on Nov 13, 2007 8:22:46 GMT
Hi Katherine,
Welcome to the site hun. Like the others, I have no experience of losing a baby, apart from a miscarriage at 12 weeks, many years ago. But I spent 3 months in a depression ward when I was pregnant and it was a very difficult time for me. I have found that since I returned home and found this site, the support has been invaluable, and I have slowly recovered.
It must have been such a traumatic experience to have gone through what you did, and it seems that you need to talk about it, which I think will help enormously. How are the psych meetings going and are you finding them helpful? What did they suggest hun?
Even though we have not experienced what you have, we are here for you, whenever you need support, or a shoulder to cry on ~ so please know that you can come here whenever you need to get anything of your chest, or you need someone to talk to, and we will listen
Thinking of you
Scarlet X
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Post by caterina on Nov 13, 2007 14:36:29 GMT
Hi Katherine I have been reading your posts and you story really touched me. I am so sorry you lost your precious baby. I hope you can find some support in this site. You are in my thoughts xx
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