Post by gail on Mar 24, 2006 16:17:56 GMT
I have been meaning to add to this section for a while as i believe that it is DEFINATELY a factor of pni.
as ive mentioned before, I believe i have been suffering from this since pregnancy and started obsessing about death/ having panic attacks, weird feelings. I remember that i did not feel connected to what was happening inside my body - it was like my mind was living another life, almost turning a blind eye to my ever growing bump, yet at the same time being excited.
i hated being pregnant - the first weeks i had severe morning sickness to the extent that at one stage i coudltn keep anything down at all - i believ i should have been hospitalised but anyway - the middle months were ok, then the blackness descended- couldnt see past the birth, all i could see was nothing -the strangest feeling like i wasnt going to make it throught the birth and my life was over. I remember i was almost embarrassed by my pregnancy, for example if i saw people i used to know i wanted to hide thinking that they would see me being pregnant as a personal failure of mine as i was always so career minded -even my family were shocked and thought i would never have kids. i didnt feel beautiful/glowing, although i was told that i was - i felt huge fat and frumpy. i lost my personal sense of style and sense of self even - i was lost in the wilderness and all i cuold think of was getting to the birth -then i could get on with my life, get 'me; back .
i thought feeling like this (was told too) feeling like this was normal - my midwife even said 'its ok, some women do go abit 'funny' during pregnancy - you'll be fine' and the three doctors i saw said i wuold be fine.
so i was counting down the days, literally crossing off the days on the calendar.
i also resented the fact that whilst pregnant i could not concentrate on anything - so all the plans i made to read lots in preparation for my future pgce/masters were futile- all could read was baby books?! i read the same book cover to cover about 1000 times and developed an obsession with the birth.
i eventually convinced myself that because i cuoldnt see past the birth, i was destined to die. i was convinced of thisa an almost wrote a will. i hated the fact that htere was no get out clause and i had to go through this no matter what. i felt so trapped. i began researching death rates in childbirth etc, reading stories about birth horror stories.
i think - i must admit this now, please dont hate me, that this was related to a termination i had years ago whilst in university - i was young, naive and will never forgive myself for this. i was so scared and my boyfriend would have left me if id have gone through with it (the pregnancy). he didnt even come with me to the clinic, then he dumped me a couple of months later.
anyway, i believe that this pni is punishment for that act of mine. whenever i look at my baby i think of my othe baby that never was and am so ashamed. it will always be something i will never forgive myself for, and if i died during birth then i deserved to, and if my precious baby tlws died it would be my punishment for not having the other one.
i was therefore, petrified of giving birth. petrified because i thought it wuld be horrific and that i wouldnt even get to see my baby because i wuold be dead.
then when the contractions began i was in denial i think. luckily my mum was there, i was in agony, but it just didnt twifg that this was it until my waters broke. 2 hours later my beautiful perfect baby was here - and i had survived.
i still thouhg thtere was a catch. i asked for the injection to stop me from haemorrhaging. every twinge was the beginning of my death. i was petrified of falling asleep incase i didnt wake up. made the doctors check for deep veined thrombosis. my baby was perfect, i was fine -this didnt make any sense.
i was in a daze. then it all began...fell down into the abyss, high anxiety, hell -like twin mummy says fell off the end of the earth 'ah, so THIS is my punishment' ok then. and thats that...
i hope i havent offended anyone but i believe this has exacerbated my illness.
thats all for now
gail
x
as ive mentioned before, I believe i have been suffering from this since pregnancy and started obsessing about death/ having panic attacks, weird feelings. I remember that i did not feel connected to what was happening inside my body - it was like my mind was living another life, almost turning a blind eye to my ever growing bump, yet at the same time being excited.
i hated being pregnant - the first weeks i had severe morning sickness to the extent that at one stage i coudltn keep anything down at all - i believ i should have been hospitalised but anyway - the middle months were ok, then the blackness descended- couldnt see past the birth, all i could see was nothing -the strangest feeling like i wasnt going to make it throught the birth and my life was over. I remember i was almost embarrassed by my pregnancy, for example if i saw people i used to know i wanted to hide thinking that they would see me being pregnant as a personal failure of mine as i was always so career minded -even my family were shocked and thought i would never have kids. i didnt feel beautiful/glowing, although i was told that i was - i felt huge fat and frumpy. i lost my personal sense of style and sense of self even - i was lost in the wilderness and all i cuold think of was getting to the birth -then i could get on with my life, get 'me; back .
i thought feeling like this (was told too) feeling like this was normal - my midwife even said 'its ok, some women do go abit 'funny' during pregnancy - you'll be fine' and the three doctors i saw said i wuold be fine.
so i was counting down the days, literally crossing off the days on the calendar.
i also resented the fact that whilst pregnant i could not concentrate on anything - so all the plans i made to read lots in preparation for my future pgce/masters were futile- all could read was baby books?! i read the same book cover to cover about 1000 times and developed an obsession with the birth.
i eventually convinced myself that because i cuoldnt see past the birth, i was destined to die. i was convinced of thisa an almost wrote a will. i hated the fact that htere was no get out clause and i had to go through this no matter what. i felt so trapped. i began researching death rates in childbirth etc, reading stories about birth horror stories.
i think - i must admit this now, please dont hate me, that this was related to a termination i had years ago whilst in university - i was young, naive and will never forgive myself for this. i was so scared and my boyfriend would have left me if id have gone through with it (the pregnancy). he didnt even come with me to the clinic, then he dumped me a couple of months later.
anyway, i believe that this pni is punishment for that act of mine. whenever i look at my baby i think of my othe baby that never was and am so ashamed. it will always be something i will never forgive myself for, and if i died during birth then i deserved to, and if my precious baby tlws died it would be my punishment for not having the other one.
i was therefore, petrified of giving birth. petrified because i thought it wuld be horrific and that i wouldnt even get to see my baby because i wuold be dead.
then when the contractions began i was in denial i think. luckily my mum was there, i was in agony, but it just didnt twifg that this was it until my waters broke. 2 hours later my beautiful perfect baby was here - and i had survived.
i still thouhg thtere was a catch. i asked for the injection to stop me from haemorrhaging. every twinge was the beginning of my death. i was petrified of falling asleep incase i didnt wake up. made the doctors check for deep veined thrombosis. my baby was perfect, i was fine -this didnt make any sense.
i was in a daze. then it all began...fell down into the abyss, high anxiety, hell -like twin mummy says fell off the end of the earth 'ah, so THIS is my punishment' ok then. and thats that...
i hope i havent offended anyone but i believe this has exacerbated my illness.
thats all for now
gail
x
