Post by Veritee on Apr 15, 2007 13:43:33 GMT
Yes I do see why you are sharing this and thanks
and ironically i left home for similar reasons as Caja - and perhaps you too - and also under similar circumstances.
But I did it earlier than her as I was 15 and ended up too into recreational drugs etc and also eventually in squats and then the streets until I came home and withdrew into my bedroom and thus was admitted to hospital at 17 as I think I mentioned before?
But it is so different when you are the mother isn't it???
And part of my grief is that I so DON'T want it to end up this way for Caja!
I can not talk to her at all at the moment as she cuts off immediately from any conversation with me that has any emotional content at all - or concern about her wellbeing ..
So i have no choice but to let her get on with it and have the space she needs to do with is whatever she needs to do even if it ends the same way as it ended for me .
Thank you for your support, and for saying that I am not being indulgent.
But I am aware that you have said a lot earlier in this thread about yourself and i have not responded to it and i want to.
Give me a few days - this current sadness has been prompted by it being the Easter School holidays when even up to last Easter my house was awash with teenagers and parents associated with them and the kettle always on, loud music playing ...........
But this Easter has been so totally different from any other Easter or Summer holiday I have ever spent in this house.
Because even before Caja was born when we first moved here I had a foster girl living with me that I fostered on and off from 12 to 16 years and then she came back at around 17 - 18 with her own child Dylan for about 3 years after he was born.
So until this Easter every holiday was marked by a bustling home with children and/or teenagers around every where and I have lived here 21 years now so this Easter has been a very big shock to find out what it is like to have no one in the house at all and no visitors except for a very quiet Caja for three hours yesterday - but at least she came
But I will be OK in a day or so, I was coming to terms with it before the Easter holidays and I will again.
and I really would like to get back to being supportive of others as I would not have started this if this was not what I wanted to do.
But yes Caja is a very 'headstrong, independent woman'
and she has not yet forgiven me for bing fallible - and for how I behaved when she started to act very differently from the Caja I had always known - this started around her 17th birthday in May last year...... and notably at a time when I had just become more mobile than i had been for some years as i had a further operation to fix the damage my accident had caused and for the first time since 2003 I could walk without crutches and did not have to use a wheelchair.
I think she had put on hold withdrawing emotionally from me until I was more mobile and able to cope on my own - and then she did it all at once, so it was shocking to me as it happened so quickly
Also your story of your own childhood and leaving has other parallels as I hit the bottle too - I started to drink more than I ever had before when I had my accident in 2003 but it was OK, I just drunk a bit as I do not like painkillers and it helped me sleep through the pain that i then had in my leg.'
As I was almost teetotal before this because my father too was an alcoholic - I took recreational drugs up to about 17 but never since but I never drank except very occasionally and only socially - I did not drink at all when I had PNI as i found it made me worse even to have one glass.
But when Caja started to move away from me because I was already drinking more than usual for the pain I drank more to dull the emotional pain - and I too feared I was going to become an alcoholic.
This is thankfully mostly under control and I now just occasionally drink socially and wine with a meal, but that too was very frightening for me and I think Caja too as Barry is so often away .
God I sound like a complete heap - and alcoholic as well!!!
I am not but I am going through a huge life change and a lot of grief over what happened when Caja was small and worry and grief for her now she has left home and I can no longer look after her as she will not let me.
Please do not reply to this - I do not want to take up any more of yours or anyones time on here
I am fine - sad but fine
Please enjoy your visitors - its great to have friends or family over, even though at the time it can be stressful, and later or in a day or so I will reply to some of the things you have said about your own situation
Love veritee
and ironically i left home for similar reasons as Caja - and perhaps you too - and also under similar circumstances.
But I did it earlier than her as I was 15 and ended up too into recreational drugs etc and also eventually in squats and then the streets until I came home and withdrew into my bedroom and thus was admitted to hospital at 17 as I think I mentioned before?
But it is so different when you are the mother isn't it???
And part of my grief is that I so DON'T want it to end up this way for Caja!
I can not talk to her at all at the moment as she cuts off immediately from any conversation with me that has any emotional content at all - or concern about her wellbeing ..
So i have no choice but to let her get on with it and have the space she needs to do with is whatever she needs to do even if it ends the same way as it ended for me .
Thank you for your support, and for saying that I am not being indulgent.
But I am aware that you have said a lot earlier in this thread about yourself and i have not responded to it and i want to.
Give me a few days - this current sadness has been prompted by it being the Easter School holidays when even up to last Easter my house was awash with teenagers and parents associated with them and the kettle always on, loud music playing ...........
But this Easter has been so totally different from any other Easter or Summer holiday I have ever spent in this house.
Because even before Caja was born when we first moved here I had a foster girl living with me that I fostered on and off from 12 to 16 years and then she came back at around 17 - 18 with her own child Dylan for about 3 years after he was born.
So until this Easter every holiday was marked by a bustling home with children and/or teenagers around every where and I have lived here 21 years now so this Easter has been a very big shock to find out what it is like to have no one in the house at all and no visitors except for a very quiet Caja for three hours yesterday - but at least she came
But I will be OK in a day or so, I was coming to terms with it before the Easter holidays and I will again.
and I really would like to get back to being supportive of others as I would not have started this if this was not what I wanted to do.
But yes Caja is a very 'headstrong, independent woman'
and she has not yet forgiven me for bing fallible - and for how I behaved when she started to act very differently from the Caja I had always known - this started around her 17th birthday in May last year...... and notably at a time when I had just become more mobile than i had been for some years as i had a further operation to fix the damage my accident had caused and for the first time since 2003 I could walk without crutches and did not have to use a wheelchair.
I think she had put on hold withdrawing emotionally from me until I was more mobile and able to cope on my own - and then she did it all at once, so it was shocking to me as it happened so quickly
Also your story of your own childhood and leaving has other parallels as I hit the bottle too - I started to drink more than I ever had before when I had my accident in 2003 but it was OK, I just drunk a bit as I do not like painkillers and it helped me sleep through the pain that i then had in my leg.'
As I was almost teetotal before this because my father too was an alcoholic - I took recreational drugs up to about 17 but never since but I never drank except very occasionally and only socially - I did not drink at all when I had PNI as i found it made me worse even to have one glass.
But when Caja started to move away from me because I was already drinking more than usual for the pain I drank more to dull the emotional pain - and I too feared I was going to become an alcoholic.
This is thankfully mostly under control and I now just occasionally drink socially and wine with a meal, but that too was very frightening for me and I think Caja too as Barry is so often away .
God I sound like a complete heap - and alcoholic as well!!!
I am not but I am going through a huge life change and a lot of grief over what happened when Caja was small and worry and grief for her now she has left home and I can no longer look after her as she will not let me.
Please do not reply to this - I do not want to take up any more of yours or anyones time on here
I am fine - sad but fine
Please enjoy your visitors - its great to have friends or family over, even though at the time it can be stressful, and later or in a day or so I will reply to some of the things you have said about your own situation
Love veritee