Post by katiev on Aug 19, 2007 15:24:54 GMT
Hi!
I gave birth to my little girl Alice two and a half months ago. I had a wonderful but very hard homebirth and she was a rather large nine pounds seven! I'm pretty small framed so it wasn't easy!
I was two weeks late but when the contractions started they really did, with them coming every three to five minutes from first thing in the morning and they were fairly constant by the evening. I had her at four minutes past midnight.I was determined to have her at home and so just used a Tens machine which I thought was amazing- I could control the pain relief and respond to the needs of my body. Lots of midwives came and went, but I was lucky enough to have my active birth yoga teacher arrive when things started to get unbearable.
I laboured for about twenty hours, on all fours and moving around the whole time and my waters hadn't broken. By this time another midwife arrived who seemed to disagree with Jenny's ideas about delivery and encouraged me to have gas and air, even though I was scared about how out of control it would make me feel. I was vulnerable and said yes but I felt like the only drunk at a party and was so paranoid, when I had felt so in control all day. The second midwife came in when i was on all fours and remained behind me without introducing herself for ages. Then when I was going through a laughing gas fuelled transition she sblack personed when I was begging to go to hospital in a slurred voice. It made me feel useless and stupid.
I had my waters broken and then managed to deliver quite quickly but I was badly torn and lost masses of blood. The second midwife performed my stitches, saying she 'enjoyed' doing it. Halfway through it became obvious that the stitches were worse than she'd thought.
In the next couple of days I had about three hours sleep! My colostrum was nowhere near good enough for Alice and she fed constantly. On the morning of the third day I woke up and didnt know who Alice was. I remember rationalising that she must be my baby because she was in our bed, but I couldnt remember giving birth to her at all. I was terrrified of her. I was taken to hospital in an ambulance as I was tachicardic and my blood pressure was very low. I was so gutted that after fighting through a home birth, I had to go into a hospital where they wouldnt even allow my partner to stay the night. I was distraught and so weak that I cried and cried. (in the end we managed to convince a kind midwife that I was going to need so much help that my partner could stay!)
My stitches still horrify me, as I feel so wrong down there and it is so much a part of my female identity. I also may have to be redone if they bother me when we make love. Because of the hospital experience, I am having so much trouble thinking of motherhood as anything positive. To me it is still an illness to struggle through and I find myself guilty if ever I am enjoying myself. Im at a bit of a loss as to how to get away from the feelings of inadequacy, fear and panic and to get on with loving my baby properly. I have not breathed out properly since she was born and even the way I stand has become hunched and pathetic. I have never been ill, never been in hospital and never have had to depend on other people.
And through it all, Alice continues to smile and flourish and amaze me, even when I'm feeling like the worst mother in the world! xxx
I gave birth to my little girl Alice two and a half months ago. I had a wonderful but very hard homebirth and she was a rather large nine pounds seven! I'm pretty small framed so it wasn't easy!
I was two weeks late but when the contractions started they really did, with them coming every three to five minutes from first thing in the morning and they were fairly constant by the evening. I had her at four minutes past midnight.I was determined to have her at home and so just used a Tens machine which I thought was amazing- I could control the pain relief and respond to the needs of my body. Lots of midwives came and went, but I was lucky enough to have my active birth yoga teacher arrive when things started to get unbearable.
I laboured for about twenty hours, on all fours and moving around the whole time and my waters hadn't broken. By this time another midwife arrived who seemed to disagree with Jenny's ideas about delivery and encouraged me to have gas and air, even though I was scared about how out of control it would make me feel. I was vulnerable and said yes but I felt like the only drunk at a party and was so paranoid, when I had felt so in control all day. The second midwife came in when i was on all fours and remained behind me without introducing herself for ages. Then when I was going through a laughing gas fuelled transition she sblack personed when I was begging to go to hospital in a slurred voice. It made me feel useless and stupid.
I had my waters broken and then managed to deliver quite quickly but I was badly torn and lost masses of blood. The second midwife performed my stitches, saying she 'enjoyed' doing it. Halfway through it became obvious that the stitches were worse than she'd thought.
In the next couple of days I had about three hours sleep! My colostrum was nowhere near good enough for Alice and she fed constantly. On the morning of the third day I woke up and didnt know who Alice was. I remember rationalising that she must be my baby because she was in our bed, but I couldnt remember giving birth to her at all. I was terrrified of her. I was taken to hospital in an ambulance as I was tachicardic and my blood pressure was very low. I was so gutted that after fighting through a home birth, I had to go into a hospital where they wouldnt even allow my partner to stay the night. I was distraught and so weak that I cried and cried. (in the end we managed to convince a kind midwife that I was going to need so much help that my partner could stay!)
My stitches still horrify me, as I feel so wrong down there and it is so much a part of my female identity. I also may have to be redone if they bother me when we make love. Because of the hospital experience, I am having so much trouble thinking of motherhood as anything positive. To me it is still an illness to struggle through and I find myself guilty if ever I am enjoying myself. Im at a bit of a loss as to how to get away from the feelings of inadequacy, fear and panic and to get on with loving my baby properly. I have not breathed out properly since she was born and even the way I stand has become hunched and pathetic. I have never been ill, never been in hospital and never have had to depend on other people.
And through it all, Alice continues to smile and flourish and amaze me, even when I'm feeling like the worst mother in the world! xxx
