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Post by alexandra on Jul 25, 2008 12:45:58 GMT
OK, here goes, my diary.
HISTORY
I got married in June 2004 aged 30. I had always been broody (my husband D knew this) and I decided that I'd wait a year before trying, however 6 months later it was D who suggested that I came off the pill. I was over the moon, and got pregnant after just 2 months - did at least 75 preg tests in that time! I loved being pregnant - no sickness, no complications, it was just the loveliest time of my life. I had a great job too which I loved, but was more than happy enough to give it up to be at home with the baby. D is self employed and we had no money worries so there was no need for me to go back to work - the absolutely perfect start to a family life!
We discovered the baby was breech and went into hospital to have it turned, but it didn't work, so a c-section was planned. I was more than happy with this so we got booked in for a date 2 weeks later, and off we went. My beautiful daughter T was born in early October 2005, no complications whatsoever, a perfectly healthy baby. I didn't have the well known "rush of love" for her instantly, but I think that was just because I was so overwhelmed with the fact that I actually had a new baby, but certainly by the end of that first day I couldn't imagine never having her and just couldn't take my eyes off her and the love was all there. 3 uneventful days in hospital - apart from struggling to breastfeed her - because of the c-section my milk took a couple of days to come in, which I never knew in advance, so I felt pretty stressed about that. A nurse told me that although she wasn't allowed to advise me to, she'd just suggest that perhaps I should try giving T some formula "because the poor baby's starving". So began a 5 week nightmare of mixed feeding and various trips to bf clinics cos I just couldn't get T to latch properly (I might go into more detail on that as my diary progresses cos I'm just now thinking that maybe that was the trigger for it?). Eventually we got sorted tho, and after those 5 weeks I managed to bf her til she was 15 months old and it came to a natural end (now that's ONE thing I'm proud of myself for, in fact it's about the only thing at the minute).
So after 3 days we came home on the Saturday evening. My mum lives miles away so she arrived that night to stay for a week. It was dark when we got home, and I remember that X-factor was on TV. It all felt really surreal and I couldn't quite believe that I was a mum. All these thoughts rushed into my head, the main one that I can still remember vividly is "Oh my god, what have I done?" The realisation that life was never going to be the same again suddenly hit me when I got back into my familiar surroundings. My heart just sank and I felt awful - I don't think my feelings towards T changed then, I certainly don't remember looking at her any differently, it was just an overwhelming fear of the unknown. I didn't say anything to D or my mum tho, just put it down to baby blues I guess. The feeling persisted all evening, and when D announced he was going to bed I really did want to cry - how can his life be going on as normal when mine has changed forever? I sat there with my mum and T for a while, and was thinking to myself "Why did nobody warn me that I'd feel like this when I got home? I've had loads of friends who've had babies and they never mentioned this absolute despair."
Anyway, that was the worst part, all of which I put down to baby blues. I eventually settled into a routine with T, she was a lovely baby but did need a hell of a lot of attention. I could never put her down for more than 2 mins. D works really hard and our families all live in different parts of the country so I really was on my own, but I got on with it, had a lovely house, 7 new friends I'd made at the NCT and we all met up every week to compare stories, texting each other every minute of the day to check what was normal etc (we still keep in touch now 3 years later). Looking back now I think I probably had very mild PNI, D and I did have a couple of rows as the months went on re the fact that I was at home all day yet wasn't clearing up, cooking a meal, ironing a shirt, even making him the odd cup of tea. I couldn't work out how I wasn't able to manage anything, but even after we rowed I still couldn't gather myself together to do it. My relationship with T was great tho, she was the apple of my eye and I just loved being with her - that feeling of doom did fade away, but as I've just discovered by writing it down now almost 3 years later, it's not too far from memory.
I did the Edinburgh test at the health centre when T must have been 6 weeks or so - I had no idea what it was but assumed by the questions that it was trying to work out whether I was a good mother or not - needless to say I got top marks! I was lying through my teeth and I remember the question that goes something like "Do you look forward to things more/same/less now". Every part of me was screaming "I have NOTHING to look forward to now, my life is over!"
One final thing that makes me realise I was suffering back then is something that I've read on this site in the last few days - someone said that the early years with their child is a blur - this is exactly how I feel. I remember her first smile at 4 weeks (bawled my eyes out with happiness!) but I don't clearly remember her sitting up, getting teeth, first solids, weaning, crawling, any of that. My husband can name times and dates, and there's lots of "Do you remember when she....?" And I really have to struggle to bring the memories back, they're all a bit blurred.
In summary, I got through it without really knowing that I had PNI. As time went on, people started asking me (as they do) when we were going to try for a second, and I was truthfully telling everyone that I'd wait til I felt broody. Time kept marching on until finally D suggested trying again when T was about 16 months old, saying we didn't want too big a gap between kids. I agreed, even tho I didn't feel broody at all, which looking back now is most likely more proof that all was not well. I wasn't unhappy about the idea tho, and when I fell pregnant 2 months later all the excitement came flooding back and I fully enjoyed my second pregnancy.
And that's what I'll move onto in my next diary entry...
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elspeth
Full member
Mum of 4, aged 15,10,3 and 6mths
Posts: 90
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Post by elspeth on Jul 26, 2008 12:10:36 GMT
I did exactly the same on my Edinburgh score.
E x
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Post by alexandra on Aug 17, 2008 21:30:12 GMT
Second installment coming up - just had my MIL stay for 3 weeks so it's been really manic. She's great with the kids but she and I don't get on so it's been pretty stressful. Now she's taken T off for the week to stay with my SIL - I simultaneously feel massively relieved to only have one child to look after, and overwhelmed with guilt for 'getting rid of' T for the week OK, my second pregnancy...It was great, again no sickness, aches or pains, no complications, no worries. I wasn't even overly tired with having to run round after an 18 month old. I even managed to do a bit of admin work for D's business - left T with a childminder which she really loved, and it was lovely for me to get back into work mode and have a bit of a break from the babytalk! We moved from London to Devon when I was 6 months pregnant and that all went smoothly, and we've settled into a gorgeous coastal area and are really happy living here. F was born by planned c-section at the end of November 2007. Another perfectly normal operation with a perfectly healthy, beautiful baby. 2 nights in hospital, once again my mum came to stay for a while to help look after T while I was in hospital and to help when I came home. F took to breastfeeding immediately so there were no problems with that. She did however have a very slight heart murmur which we were assured was nothing to worry about (a check-up at 8 weeks showed the hole had all but closed). The hospital was short staffed the day we came home, so they overlooked my medication and discharged me with just paracetamol for my c-section scar. (Needless to say when the hospital meds wore off I was in complete agony for 2 days until the visiting midwife sorted me out with a prescription for Voltarol(sp).) D arrived to pick me up with my mum and T - got home and my brother-in-law was here and had cooked us all a meal. All the way home I was starting to feel stressed about bedtime and that fear of the awful feeling coming back like last time. Got in through the front door and D had been working so hard - we'd only been in the house a couple of months and had loads of building work done (2 days earlier when I went into hospital the house had literally been a building site with newly plastered walls). The decorating had all been done, new carpets in, fresh flowers, table all set for our lovely meal, but instead of complimenting everyone on how hard they'd all worked, all I could think of was how nothing was where I would have put it, everything was out of place - it all needed a good clean, but of course it didn't - I guess now that my OCD just started with a bang as soon as I got home. I think the only way I didn't do any cleaning that first evening was because I literally couldn't stand up with the pain. That first night was pretty rough, not because of PNI or OCD, but because of the pain - I couldn't even sit up to feed F properly, it was agonising to move at all. In a way, it was probably a good thing because it completely took my mind off everything else. The midwife arrived in the morning and tried to sort my pills but it took another day to actually get the prescription, so it was 24 hours of not being able to get off the sofa, even tho I so desperately wanted to get up and clean! The frustration drove me mad and I was just snapping at everyone, they were patient with me in the beginning but by the end of that first day I had driven both D and my mum round the bend. When I got back on my feet with the Voltarols I was soon shifting furniture and constantly tidying up after everyone, rearranging cupboards etc while the baby was asleep - I literally couldn't seem to stop myself, and was forever overdoing it - thought at one stage I'd burst my stitches when blood started seeping from my wound but it still didn't stop me) F was a dream baby, for the first 4 weeks or so she literally slept the clock around. I don't know if it's the same for others, but I felt so relaxed second time around, none of this nonsense about waking them to feed, worrying about how much she's getting, how much poo in her nappy etc - it was just so laid back and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I spent my days cleaning and cleaning and cleaning but never actually getting any satisfaction, never felt that I could sit down for a minute, there was always something else to be done. Nearly 9 months later things are still exactly the same re the cleaning. But along the way I've come to feel stressed all the time, I love my girls but sometimes wish I'd never had them, and that makes me feel guilty beyond belief. I've drained myself by writing all this, and can't put anymore into words tonight. This is really helpful tho, and I want to now start keeping a proper diary so I can look back on it to see if and when I turn the corner - I'm off to the docs tomorrow to ask for anti-d's. I'm not getting any better and am now really starting to worry about my relationship with my older daughter - I just feel so guilty all the time. Rambling now - off to bed.
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Post by cheshire on Aug 18, 2008 12:08:29 GMT
Dear Alexandra,
3 weeks – that would stress me out too, hopefully you’ll get a bit of a breather this coming weekx
What you have described about your hyper busyness, cleaning and getting things in order reminded me of how I was after my second – as we were doing some work on the house too. I’d had a home birth and basically think I overdid things at the start too, rather than getting the rest I needed. My husband had been ill and I had an older sibling to keep happy too – but I was just desperate to keep on top of things and all the plans in the house (I remember dragging the lounge carpet outside and moving all the furniture in preparation for floorboards to be laid – a few days after the birth - what was I thinking? !)
Anyway, I eventually starting taking Ads and they have helped , as has therapy and unravelling what had happened– did you get to the GP today?
Hopefulxx
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Post by alexandra on Aug 18, 2008 13:50:46 GMT
Hopeful, thanks for your reply, it's so nice to know what I'm feeling is "normal"! I went to the docs this morning. Had to be there at 10, was up at 7.30 and still managed to get there a few minutes late even tho it's just me and F. We didn't even manage to have breakfast before we left. Where on earth did the morning go? The female doc is just lovely, should have gone to her months ago when the original doc who diagnosed my PNI told me I couldn't take ADs and carry on breastfeeding. She's getting in touch with the HV for me and prescribed me a month's worth of Sertraline and I have to go back in 2 weeks for a follow-up check. I mentioned Sertraline after reading about it on this site, she said she was planning on prescribing an older AD but said that I prob knew as much as her by my web browsing so she did a quick check and said it seemed fine. I've not gone to fill the prescription yet, will do it this afternoon - got to try and get organised to leave the house yet again, which is making me feel stressed. Got home and had our breakfast, a bit of a play, and F went to sleep at 12. It's now almost 3 and she's still flat out. In that time I've sorted out washing, cleared out both girls' wardrobes and clothes drawers, putting old clothes aside. I've cleaned the kitchen from top to bottom (desperately want to empty and rearrange every single drawer and cupboard but trying to resist!) and have tidied the girls' playroom. Major panic when F woke after only half an hour and I had to leave a pile of clothes on the floor in T's bedroom until I got her settled again. I've just sat down in the last 5 mins to have a quick sandwich - I hate 'wasting time' when she's asleep cos there's so much to do. Even while typing this my mind is buzzing and my heart's pounding - she's bound to wake up soon and I've not sorted out the magazine rack in the bathroom, it's something I've been trying to get around to for weeks. Not to mention the hall cupboard which is rammed full of junk, and my own bedroom drawers could be doing with a sort out too... I'm completely insane!
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Post by winegirl on Aug 18, 2008 15:11:57 GMT
Oh Alexandra your days sound just like mine when I am not at work! I have given up stressing about the house and now have days where I just accept I am doing nothing but tending to my daughter!
Best of luck with your new meds hun. Remember that they can take a few weeks to start feeling the benefits so hang in there!
I hope you manage to get a bit of a rest this evening??
WG xx
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Post by alexandra on Aug 31, 2008 22:25:40 GMT
Been on the ADs for nearly 2 weeks now, not sure if it's psychological or not but I definitely have had the odd moment where I feel slightly calmer. I had a bath with both girls the night before last and actually enjoyed it, instead of panicking about getting them both out and dried and ready for bed, as well as getting myself dried and dressed. We had a good giggle in the bath and I went to bed with a smile on my face for the first time in a very long time. Unfortunately also some bad times, a couple of which I'll write now. D asked me to vacuum the inside of our car before we sold it this week (he calls it my mobile dustbin..). I stressed about it for 2 days but just couldn't get myself organised to do it, so left it and didn't tell him I'd not done it. Last night after he'd had a few beers he suddenly told me he'd been really annoyed with me for not doing it and said that he'd have managed it with 2 kids, I'm at home all day doing nothing else, and left him to do it even though he had a full day. Just the words I need to hear My mum arrived yesterday to stay for 2 weeks (D's off on business for a week and I think he feels a bit guilty about leaving me on my own) and we left both girls with her today while we went out shopping. We were out from 11am til 5pm and I just stressed the whole time, kept looking at my watch and was desperate to get back home, I feel so guilty passing 'my responsibilities' to other people. Didn't tell D how I was feeling - we just don't talk about it at all. Occasionally he'll ask me "Are you ok?" and I always say "Yeah, fine." and that's that. Got home and both girls were as happy as larry, and my mum had enjoyed her time with them. Didn't make me feel any better tho, and for the next week I'll be going out of my way not to 'burden' her too much - and this is my own mum who loves the girls to pieces. We spent last weekend with D's family - we don't see them often as we live miles away. They all dote on our girls and there's normally a fight for who gets to hold them first - there's more than 20 of us when we all get together. But I still couldn't relax and enjoy the peace, I kept looking out for the girls and going and getting them back - I keep thinking that people are looking at me and thinking I'm lazy and am not looking after them, and am leaving it to other people to look after them. Tidying the house is still a big issue, we left the breakfast dishes out this morning while we went shopping, and that was another reason I was desperate to get home. It's 11.30pm now and I could still spend an hour tidying but I'm going to go to bed now and ignore it. Hopefully!
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Post by monica on Sept 1, 2008 8:49:22 GMT
Hi
just wanted to welcome you to the site. I'm sure things will pick up for you and well done on seeing your dr. Society puts all this pressure on us mums to feel great but firstly, motherhood is so scary and it is life changing. Where once we had full lives suddenly we are at the whims of our little ones and that can be hard to accept. I found that no matter how much Iloved my los when they were babies, I found motherhood quite isolating and the mundane tasks quite boring and repetitive. I couldnt' get my act together which I now understand, but it would compound my feelings of being a failure. My bf would come home and I'd still be in my nightie, placed wouldn't be cleaned up, dinner wouldn't be started. Just getting out thehouse to the shops used to be a huge effort. Maybe your oh should have a couple of days on his own then he'd see exactly how much he'd get done!!!
Anyway, my two kids and I are still in our nightwear, so better go but look forward to getting ot know you.
Monica
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Post by alexandra on Sept 2, 2008 19:36:34 GMT
Yesterday D had some business colleagues come for an all day meeting (we have an office next to the house) and he asked me to cook lunch for them - I passed the girls to my mum and a manic couple of hours followed, tidying the house and panicking over making the lunch. Managed to get it all out in time and unburnt(!) and then spent an hour clearing up. I then managed to make an evening meal for my mum and I, even peeled some potatoes for the first time in months and cooked fresh veg - I amazed myself!! I think it's got a lot to do with my mum being here, I just feel calmer having someone else in the house who can jump in to help if it all gets too much (although she doesn't know about my PNI), and also because of the pills - they really do seem to have kicked in already.
Pretty sleepless night, F is cutting more teeth so she was up and down all night. Felt quite low this morning and had a bit of a panic because I had to go back and see the doc but didn't want to tell my mum or D why I was going. Neither of them asked me (strange?) so off I went and she said I seemed brighter but said she was surprised the pills were working so soon, but as long as they seemed to be taking the edge off my tension she said I'd stay on the same dose and go back for another check-up in 2 weeks.
Mum and me took the girls to a local wildlife/play park this afternoon and had a really good day. I was so calm and thoroughly enjoyed myself without looking at my watch once, something I could never have imaged a couple of weeks ago. I hope this isn't all because my mum's here, because when she goes home next Tues I'll be on my own having to make sure the 3 of us are up and dressed and ready to take T to nursery at 9am. F's asleep now (although she's already woken up once) and T is lying watching a dvd with my mum. A nice relaxing evening, and here I am sitting taking the time to type, although my heart rate is still high and I'm trying not to think about emptying the dishwasher and clearing out the fridge, and giving the bathroom a once over, and there's a load of washing that could go in, and some kids clothes that could be hung up....
I wish I'd started this diary before I started taking the pills because just reading back on these last 48 hours is almost like reading about the life of another person, someone I most certainly haven't been for the last few months. From eating ready meals, not leaving the house, not able to prepare so much as a cup of tea for someone else, not enjoying my girls, stressing about every single thing from the moment I woke up in the morning til I went to bed. Fingers crossed this is the turning point for me!
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Post by winegirl on Sept 2, 2008 19:46:14 GMT
Hi Aleaxandra
I am so pleased that you can read through your diary and see improvements already! You really are along that road to recovery and doing great - you should be so proud of yourself.
Yeah, I found it helps someone being around with you when you are at home with kids. Just an extra pair of eyes and hands are fab when you want to cook, clean etc...
I am a big believer in meds, but i will say something that I have already said on the forum here today that my GP told me. `Meds are a lifejacket. They will save you from drowning, but you have to get yourself out of the water'. He was sooo right. I started to feel better with the meds then bceame frustrated that I cam to a bit of a stand still with getting better. I had to really push myself and work to get out of the illness, but certainly dont think I would have done it without the meds.
I hope things just keep getting better and better for you, and we we always be here if you ever hit a spot of needing support xx
Take Care
WG x
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Post by alexandra on Sept 3, 2008 10:43:50 GMT
Thanks for your reply WG, I'm so pleased to have found this site.
Today's not been a good one so far. I woke up in a state of panic, keep thinking I've forgotten to do something but have no idea what it is, if anything. So I got up and made a list of the things I know I have to do and that has caused me to panic even more because there are so many things! I need to transfer D's personal reg plate off our old car and transfer my reg onto my new car and I just can't get my head to process what I need to do. I should have done this weeks ago before we changed cars. I also need to buy a wedding present for a friend - will get to the shops and panic because there's too much choice. I need to compile a list of people I want to invite to a Hallowe'en party we're having. There's a few other small things too - haven't emailed or spoken to friends in weeks (another symptom I think) - none of which are in any way life threatening or have to be done immediately but the sheer fact that I have things to do over and above getting the 3 of us washed, dressed and fed is just too much for me today. My heart is pounding and I can hardly breathe as I sit here just thinking about it. If my mum wasn't here I don't think I'd be able to leave the house today but I've said we'll go to the beach. I'll prob feel better when we get out, but I'll also probably not get anything crossed off my list and it'll all still be there to do tomorrow. Deep breaths...
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Post by sianyc on Sept 3, 2008 10:56:58 GMT
I keep thinking that people are looking at me and thinking I'm lazy and am not looking after them, and am leaving it to other people to look after them.
This statement really rang bells with me. I'm like that all the time. Not sure if it's paranoia or if that's what people really think. It's definately my 'thing' though and it hasn't gone even though my PNI is all but gone - I was sort of hoping it was a symptom - perhaps it is and is just lingering!
Sorry - off on a tangent as usual. Just wanted to say welcome to the site, I hope you find it helps you x
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Post by alexandra on Sept 3, 2008 20:27:46 GMT
Well my day didn't get any better, but I'm winding down now for the night, both girls in bed at last, and just gonna write about today before getting my head down and hoping that tomorrow will be better.
We eventually got sorted to leave the house at 12.30. Went to have some lunch in a restaurant and F decided to kick off when the food arrived. I had to eat my lunch one-handed while holding on to her as she fidgeted and whinged and refused to eat or drink anything. I got really stressed and uptight with her, and when poor T then got tired and started complaining and refusing to eat her lunch I just lost my temper and threatened to take her home instead of going to the beach - total over-reaction by me. We then went to the beach and she fell over on the stones and got her hands covered in dirt which she wiped on her trousers and I told her off again. F fell asleep on the beach and when we left T wanted to get in the pram (it's a double one) but when she got in she started screaming about being uncomfortable and woke F up, so she started crying too and I just lost it and pulled T out of the pram and left her standing on the promenade and walked off, leaving my mum with her. I forced myself to calm down there and then and immediately turned round and walked back to her, and the look of fear on her little face made me want to cry. I knelt down and gently explained that she'd woken F up and how I can't hear her when she screams (a conversation we've had numerous times) and picked her up and hugged her. The cheeky monkey then knew she was on a winner and asked if we could go for ice-cream, which we did. Forgiven!
The rest of the evening was a bit calmer, when I accidentally dropped T's dinner on the carpet I didn't think it was the end of the world, I just mopped it up and started again. Although she was a bit naughty in the bath I just told her off, didn't lose my temper with her. We had a lovely cuddle when I put her to bed with a story, and all is well now, although I'm replaying it all in my head now and feel massively guilty.
My problem is my temper, I never had a bad temper before developing PNI - it's brand new to me to lose control - and although I have never smacked my children I have a couple of times snatched something out of T's hand (e.g a toy) and thrown it across the room, and the fright in her eyes has been enough to instantly calm me down. Today was a bad day and I could feel the frustration building up in me since the minute I woke up this morning, and pulling her out of the pram and then seeing her face broke that tension and now I'm as calm as I can be at present. God I sound like an awful mother - I feel like an awful mother. The stress and tension are always there under the surface and most of the time I can keep a lid on it, today was just a particularly bad day, and hopefully no lasting damage has been done. T has forgotten about it already on the surface, I just wonder what is going on inside her little head, and that's the main reason I'm trying to get myself well, the overwhelming fear that I'm driving a wedge between us that will never be fixed.
Time for bed.
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Post by sianyc on Sept 4, 2008 7:54:35 GMT
I don't know if it's useful or helpful to you to be told about others' experiences of not so if not then please feel free to let me know - I have a tendency to think 'I remember that feeling' or 'I feel like that too' and out comes bits of my story I can't say I've never had a temper but it used to take a lot to push me over the edge. once it happpened I was a raving banshee but thats several other stories ;D The losing it at small insignificant things was all new to me and resulted in HUGE amounts of guilt. The guilt is a mother thing and the PNI makes it much more difficult to deal with. I can see you feel terrible about your reactions to T's behaviour and that's good in a way as you recognise that this isn't you and isn't how you want to be with her. Just take one day at a time and try your best to react how you want to react rather than how the PNI is making you react. That sounds a bit preachy and I don't mean it that way as I'm still trying to do this every day! Be proud of the way you dealt with her when she was naughty in the bath and use my trick of hiding in the loo for 5 minutes when she's done your head in so much that you could just scream and scream
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Post by alexandra on Sept 4, 2008 21:14:21 GMT
Hi Sianyc - please feel free to comment as much as you like, it's always a relief to know that someone else is feeling the same and I'm not alone. This is such a lonely illness - I've only told one person and I've played it down to her as well - my best friend who I've known for 23 years . I have a couple of other really close friends too and I've not made any mention to them that I'm struggling at all, I'm putting on the smile and making little jokes about hating motherhood, little do they know I mean every word at the minute!! As for my husband, it's something we simply don't discuss. He doesn't know I'm on anti-d's and I can't bring myself to tell him, I'm too ashamed that it's gone this far and I've not been able to drag myself out of it. He doesn't do failure, he over-achieves in everything he puts his mind to - so I slap on the same smile for him and pretend everything is ok. None of my family know either, and I'm really close to my sister yet can't face talking to her about it. I assume I'm not alone in doing this?? Anyway, today was mostly an ok day. T went off to stay with my sister in law for the night, so my mum and I went shopping with F in her pram - she started off ok, but quickly got fed up and started squawking each time we went into a shop. I started getting stressed and gave up in the end, couldn't concentrate. I've noticed that I'm completely incapable of making decisions at the minute. I'm going to a wedding evening reception on Saturday and wanted to buy some red jewellery to go with red sandals I've got. Went into BHS and they had a huge range of red necklaces, earrings and bracelets. I stood for maybe 15 minutes going through them all, F started getting really grumpy and I could feel myself starting to panic so went to walk out of the shop. My mum (not knowing what was going on) called me back and kept showing me different matching sets and in the end I just grabbed one and went and bought it. I literally wouldn't have been able to do it by myself, and that's something which has shocked me a bit. My next project is to redecorate our living room and I need to look for curtains which we'll then get paint to match and cushions etc. Went into Debenhams and just got overwhelmed at the range of curtains in there and had to leave - my mum didn't comment but I'm sure she was wondering what the hell I was playing at. Took ages to get F off to sleep tonight and I could feel myself getting agitated with her, was maybe a tad rough lying her down over and over again (although she didn't notice so I'm prob just being too critical of myself). Luckily she drifted off eventually and she's not woken since, whereas she's normally up and down a few times before she goes down for the night (well, 3 hours ). I'm feeling pretty calm now. Here's to tomorrow - going to pick up T from my SIL and have some lunch and maybe even get my hair cut while I've got the babysitters here - it's got the potential to be a good day.
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