michelle's pnd road to recovery

[winegirl]

Hi Michelle

I am going to tell you what I think. But please, i dont want you to think I am dismissing what you are saying, i just want to share what I have learnt with you.

I have come across many women who have suffered PNI who have matched the symptoms of ME. In fact i have met many with other things going on who have matched these symptoms also.

You must always check out ANYTHING you are worried about with your GP, but I do know that these symptoms can match those of stress, anxiety, depression and PNI.

This gets better mate. I was there once too with all the symptoms you describe and I promise it got better for me. xx

Always here and listening

WG x

[michelle1985]

i hope it is only this and it will pass. i whent to AnE the other night because freinds have swine flu and i was showing all signs of it. i was on antibiottics so they wouldnt give me tamiflu. i just feel so so ill all the time. i am meant to be starting uni and im not sure if i will be abel to do anything the way i am feeling right now.
M.E was the only sain thing we could think abotu with it not been a brain tumor or soem thing..
i know i am paranoide i know this but the worry wont go away and i don't feel deppressed so i keep thiking it must be soem thing ells.

[larsbars]

Hi Michelle,

I have just read all of your diary and can't believe how much you have been through. The good thing now though is that you are receiving counselling which will help you understand and come to terms with everything you have been through and help you get back to being yourself again. It will happen again I promise. I have suffered with depression and anxiety on and off for many years but NEVER as bad or intense as I did with PNI. Mine came on after my second baby was born. I seemed to be on top of the world with an 18 month old and newborn and was doing really well. Then my periods kicked back in after 4 months and I nose dived big time. The intesity of the anxiety and the thought and feelings I was having were terrifying and I truly believe that hormones have a huge part to play in this illness. I am on th road to recovery I have times when I am back to normal but I also still have some bad times but I do know they will pass and try not to stress about them too much. When I look back and remember that I had a baby when my first was only 18 month old I realise just how bloody hard it was and can't believe that I somehow got through. You still have 2 very small children and one with health issues so no wonder you are feeling stressed and anxious a lot of the time. I. too. would find that when I went away I would relax and enjoy myself but then coming home again I would slip back. I think that I ascociate home with feeling like crap. It's the place where we have do the all of the chores and get stuck in the mundaneness of things and I think I find it isolating and feel trapped. There will come a time when you will be able to look back on all of this and realise just how hard life has beena nd how well you did to get through it all. Earlier this year my little boy was quite ill. He got pneumonia and a hole in his lung. We were in hospital in Jan for 4 and half weeks. His lung then collapsed 2 months later and he had to have an op to repair it and remove scar tissue so that was another 2 week stay. We then had another stay for a week because his lung collapsed again and they were sure they would have to remove it but luckily it has healed and he will hopefully be discharged in a month or 2. The whole time I stayed with him I didn't shed a tear. I dealt with everything really well and stayed so strong for him while my OH got in right state. It wasn't till I came home aftr a few weeks it all hit me and I had a massive blip. I can now see wht we went through and sometimes this can only happen once you reach the other side of something. I wanted to ask you as well...my little bo was born with funny toe. It goes really wide at the end into a double to. He also used to suffer with reflux in that he would always be sick after his milk. sometimes it was a lot or it could be a little but not enough for it to be a major issue. He also got pneumonia after having a cold and I am sure it just coincidence but it seemed to ring true with what your babies LO's have suffered with. Is there a name for the condition? You also mentined that you little boy went all floppy once. Was this a rsult of crying? My LO does it where he cries so much and can;t catch his breath so passes out.

Sorry for rabitting on ut I just want to try and offer you some reassurance. I may not have done. It's hard to know whether you should write in someone's diary...whether you are intruding but I hope I haven't and would like to send you a big hug.

Lara x

[winegirl]

How are you feeling today Michelle?

WG xx

[michelle1985]

im feeling much better today i whent out last night and had fun i didnt want to go out but pushed my self. so feel ok now but not looking forward to tomorrow when martyn is back at work. need to go clean before bedso will be hopfuly alseep for 10.
thank you lara for wrighting in my diary hun. i get what you mean by you just get on with it at the time and it is only afterwards when you realise what you have been through and how far you have come.
the syndrome my children had has no name and dosnt match any so fab the genetetsts are on it looking in to what it could be.
it involves hart defects, small organs, head deformaty (microsphalic), feet and hand deformaties. bones missing or duplacated and reflux. i onse watched a program with a little girl who had some thing it was on discovery health who's simptoms were verry close to what my children had but we didnt think to right it down as it was before we had our 3rd child who had it too. never been abel to get hold of the program.

[winegirl]

Hi Hun

Glad you are feeling better. Just take tomorrow each hour as it comes and try not to think too much about it.

I hope it goes ok for you and will be thinking of you x

Love

WG xx

[michelle1985]

god this has been so hard to come back
do you know the longer you stay away it feels like you are using the site and you feel you don't want to come running for support but i have come back and im going to try and keep up this diary again before i fall back in the the blackness.

starting a few weeks ago.
for the last few months i have been feeling so much better i have got my life back and i am feeling possitive abotu the future and most of all i am LOVING been a mum to two fab (little buggers) kids i know i was on the mend, knowing i was starting uni in sept i thought i needed to come off them as i was so tired in the day (morning.

so the next apointmeant to see the phyciatrice doctor i told her how i felt and we disided to come down from 150mg to 125mg i did it and for a few days i felt ok and more awake then after a few days i started getting the dreaded thoughts again but it wasnt full blown it was more fear and paranoia i new some thing wasnt right lukely i saw the cpn the next day and we said i was to go back up to 150mg (although doc hasnt rang me or anything).

i reacted well for the meds going back up.
over the last few weeks i have had difrent apointmeants at the uni i have been to see an educational phycoligest apointmeant, after 24+yrs and i have finely been staitmeanted dyslexic and they allso said im dispraxic witch ring alarm bells in our family too.

today was my proper day at uni i had to get up realy early to get the kids to my mums as my course is 3 days a week but this week with it bee freshers were in every day.
today in class i got realy dizy i felt like i was on the eadge of panick but manneged to controle it just! i have been feeling it a bit all weekend and tonight just coming up to bed i keep feeling like i am sliding backwards. you know how it is as most of you on hear have been there. i need that leg up again, im so sceared of falling off this week
and to top it asll off its my first week were going in everyday and on saterday early hours we go to the airport and fly to mejorka there is 16 of us 8kids and 8adults (all the family)
im so sceared of flying and i can get out of my head if that plain crashes all my family is wiped out in one swift move.. I know I shouldnt be thinking this way but its hard not to.
sorry to post first time in ages to be so so long.
don't know how i am going to fit everything in.
michelle xxx

[monica]

Hi

I'm so sorry you're feeling anxious. It feels doubly worse after a prolonged good spell like you've had.

Perhaps you're feeling this way due to anxiety at going to uni? It's a big change in your life - new place, new work - it's all quite different. So perhaps it's what started these feelings in the first place. To top this off you're off on holiday - now that's mega stressful especially if you hate flying.

You have lots going on in your life at the minute. It may just be a short term blip and as you get into a routine it may well subside. Do you thnk you could go with the flow for a couple of weeks to see how thngs are. if you feel you can't it might be worth speaking to your cpn to get some advice might be worth doing that anyway, just for reassurance.

You will get back to how you were - enjoying life! You are doing brilliantly andit's amazing you're doing a course - that takes guts and a real zest for life! I do so admire you!

Love

Monica

[winegirl]

Hi Michelle

I am sorry you are blipping. But that is all it is, a blip, that will pass.

I hope you got over the flight anxiety and guessing you felw yesterday so hope you are now enjoying your holiday?

If you have just had a dyslexia and dyspraxia diagnosis check it out with your uni, because I know that ours offers grants of up to £3000 for students with dyslexia to help towards all sorts of things for studies.

Take Care

WG xx

[michelle1985]

hello
yes im having a needs assessmeant to hopfuly get specile softwear and reading ades for the laptop to help with my studies.

it is my second day and im not too well.
had a huge attack yesterday
got hear in one piece the flight was ok and not too tramatic all though i nealy jumpped of the plane water dripped on my form the cieling of the plane i was sceared stiff thinking omg the plane is leaking lol was funny.

when we got hear an hour after we got in to our room joseph came up to me with a pink vest and bright pink mouth with white bits in side. he had found somekind of ppill and eat it. (not from us) i was a reck was crying my eyes out i thought he was going to die. the only thing me and my sister coudl thing it could be with the couler the bitts and everything ells was a ibeprofin i was a right mess jen when on the possion thing on her phone and it said 200mg of ibeprofin is the top most dose a baby his waight can take and seams though you can only buy 200mg not the 400mg you can get from docs we waighted. HE was abselutly fine thank god but i had cried that much i felt paniced. THEN we went down to the pool (were the rest of the family were) emily was splashing around with the others in the small erier i took my eyes of her for one minuite she slipped under the watter and couldnt get up again. my brother in law jumpped in and got her out she clung to me and again i was that upset i sobbed like a baby at the side of the pool.
I felt the most baddest mum in the world my babies could have died yesterday and it would have been my falt. i have gone round the room so many times to make sure there isnt anything left and today i was by emils side 24/7.

yesterday evening some one told us the hotel dose wireless for 15 euro for the week it is so worth it lol
so today has been a lot better than yesterday im still ill but much better.

[winegirl]

Hun, to be fair, if ANYONE had had the day you had with your kids they would have been an absolute wreck by now! I cant believe that all that could happen in one day!

But now you need to put it behind you and get on with enjoying the holiday. Stressing about it will do nothing now.

Relax, enjoy the sun, and have fun with your kids

Take Care

WG x

[michelle1985]

theweek kindofwhent from bad to worse
we were all sick with baDCHESTS and it rained and then on tue (i think) my sister got worse so got a DOCtoy out who sent herstrate to the hospital the poor love we got home yesterday and my sister is still in hospital my mum has stayed over there withher so we whent with 16of us and now there is 14.
so were a bit sad. we did have 2 good days but it was at the end of the holiday whilst jen was in hospital.
Im so pleased to be home in my own bed!

[winegirl]

Oh hun I am so sorry! What a nigtmare! How is your sister now? Have you heard anything about how she is getting on?

I hope you are coping okay and finding some time to de-stress after the week you have had??

Thinking of you hun x

Much Love

WG xx