|
Post by michelle1985 on Aug 2, 2008 20:56:46 GMT
thank you all so much and no i don't think i gave my self any time to grieve i just did other things i am on the committee running our local toddlers and playgroup, and then it was always on my mind to get pregnant, so i pushed my self to do other things. and yes it does go so fast that is half of my anxiety about my life just drifting away. it this empty world. michelle
|
|
|
Post by monica on Aug 3, 2008 9:02:17 GMT
Hi
You have been through the mill big time. Losing your child must be the most sufferable thing you can go through and the pain indescribable andalso to have had two miscarriages, which in terms of loss and hormones are bound to have an impact.
I lost a baby at 19 weeks last year and a year on do find that hard to cope with and that it also has had a huge impact on me. I can't even compare what you've been through to my experience.
Glad posting has helped you. The ladies onhere are trully fab.
Love
Monica
|
|
|
Post by michelle1985 on Aug 3, 2008 13:18:32 GMT
oh thank you so much. i think i put too much pressure on my self. i am almost 23 and this is my 7th pregnancy my first had to be terminated through medical problems second was charlotte. then mc then emily then 2 mc after one and other then i caught on with joseph who i am now 35+ weeks with.. my problem has always been i can not give my self time to grieve over these losses. i just try and get on with it. and now all has come crashing down above my head so to speak. michelle
|
|
|
Post by monica on Aug 3, 2008 15:42:42 GMT
Hi
I know what you mean. In ideal circumstances, I probably would have given myself time to come to terms with what has happened to me, but I'm 35 my bf is 41 so I wanted to get pregnant asap. I had 2 early miscarriages between my two kids and after the first we gave ourselves a few months to come to terms with it. Saying that, it's a very personal choice, and to a degree no matter how much time you gave yourself, getting pregnant would be difficult and stressful.
Have you had any support (sorry can't remember) during this pregnancy? Any counselling?
Monica
|
|
|
Post by michelle1985 on Aug 3, 2008 19:50:07 GMT
when i had my little girl emily no2 for 4 glorious month all was fine . then i started getting panic attacks and it was so bad, i thought i could not protect my little girl and that i would hurt her. (i will go in to detail when i right a little bit more) i was put on anti d's and ones we got the right tablets and does i began feeling better. and had months more of happiness with a few little blips. then when i got pregnant and got to 20wks it all came back and to be honest it is worse than before. so i am not on a lot higher does and see a cpn. i am going to see a bereavement counselor (she is coming to my house Monday) and i am on a list for cbt with i think will help. i think when you want some thing you push everything ells aside and this is what i did with wanting a baby. it was like nothing ells matters. michelle xx
|
|
|
Post by michelle1985 on Aug 4, 2008 19:29:33 GMT
hello everyone.
just thought i would right my thoughts down a bit.
today i had a good day and felt loads better but all day i was thinking about the bereavement counselor coming to see me at 4.30
martyn took emily out to the swings when she was hear, i felt so nervous as she walked in the house. i was scared i have had Nealy three years of pent up grieve and guilt that brakes my hart to voice any of it.. she seemed verry nice but i have had loads of people tell me i have nothing to feel guilty about. but i don't know how to believe them, it is like my head is set that way and no amount of people saying nice things will change it. i am punishing my self for not bonding with her. i am twisting my own knife so to speak. and the longer it gets the harder it is to release the feeling i have.
but when i started to talk about things that had happend with charlotte. i just broke down, it made me feel a bit lighter. and made me realise i need to get rid of all this baggage. i want to remember charlotte the good times but because i am trying to punish my self. my mind blocks all the good time and only lets me remember the bad time. i do feel like we may be on track, i was still not listening to the (you have nothing to feel guilty about ) but she told me we will work through this guilt and hopefully get rid of it leaving me free to think of the happy times. we both know that most of this post natal depression comes from this built up grief and upset so we will hopefully be working on me getting better.
michelle xxxxx
|
|
|
Post by gizmoracer on Aug 4, 2008 22:52:54 GMT
Hi Michelle.
I have just sat here with tears running down my face reading your story. I only noticed it because of your other post about today and decided to read this diary. I really don't know what to say, so much has happened to you in so little time. I understand what you mean baout getting on with it and not allowing yourself to grieve. My situation has been nothing near as traumatic as yours. I had PNI from mid pregnancy with my son (1st child) I then fell pregnant again when he was only 2 months old and miscarried just after coming to terms with having another so soon. I ten went on to concieve my daughter only 3 months later. So along with everything else that was happening in my life I didn't grieve for my LO either (although as I said not quite like your situation). Letting it al out now will really help you. I was spurred on to let go back in Nov. when another member told us about a baby she had who died and I mentioned my miscarrage then. The girls on here helped me to let it all out and I finally managed to grieve. I was feeling guilty because the baby wasn't planned and I was in so much shock about it all I felt that the baby would have thought I didn't want them. Of coarse this is not true for either of us. But you really must grieve for each of your LOs especially Charlotte.
I hope you have got something out of todays sesson. I know when I went for counselling the 1st one doesn't always seem to have helped but I'm sure it will as time goes on.
Sending you ((hugs)).
|
|
elspeth
Full member
Mum of 4, aged 15,10,3 and 6mths
Posts: 90
|
Post by elspeth on Aug 5, 2008 3:55:56 GMT
*hugs* I do hope the counselling helps
E xx
|
|
|
Post by michelle1985 on Aug 5, 2008 20:04:55 GMT
today has been an ok day but ever so bizzy./ a funny feeling has been in the back of my head all day like i could go down hill (pnd) so i went to toddlers with emily this morning then came back for lunch, emily went down for a nap and i put my head down. and then had to get up for midwife coming at 3 she was trying to reassure me with it all. but i just didn't or wasn't realy concentration on what she was talking about. then a friend of mine showed up (visiting form france) with all her children. and when they went we played with emily a bit and she did a bit of walking and was ever so proud of her self. but when i have just come to bed i started feeling all negative abotu the future again. as in having this next baby. feeling scared of not wanting him and feeling like i will have a bad bad panic attack when i am in labour and they will have to knock em out or some thing. it is making me so so scared. i am scared that i will not want my son when he is born. i am scared that i will have just taken my tablets or some thing and be too out of it to care..... i am scared stiff but all people keep telling me is it will be fine i am sure everything will be fine. but what if it isn't i did not bond with my first child properly yes i know they were other things wrong but i am still scared stiff it will happen this time. how can i love two babies. how will i cope with two babies. i think i am an ok mum to emily but i am not sure i can be a good mum to two................ why can i not think positive. i love having good days but when i have a bad day it makes the good day feel like seconds and the bad day feels like weeks. i hate living like this. it is scary i am usely a happy person and i have changed so much i am a shell of my former self. i was the out going one i was the one who looked after everyone and now people have to look after me michelle xxxxx
|
|
|
Post by bean on Aug 5, 2008 20:25:02 GMT
I just wanted to send you loads of love and hugs. Bean x
|
|
|
Post by gizmoracer on Aug 6, 2008 8:58:14 GMT
Hi Michelle.
I understand excatly what you mean when you worry about how you will bond with your son and how to love and be a good mum to 2 children. Its a very daunting feeling. Nightime is of course always the worst time for feelings and thoughts like this.
I didn't bond properlly with my first baby either but it was different with my second. As you already know all babies are different with personalities and how they are, this can help too. The fact that you are worrying about all this shows that you are already a good mum to both of them and its amazing how easily you adapt when you have 2, you just get on with it. When you look at what you have just got on and dealt with over the past few years this will be easy for you. How old is Emily? Is she looking forward to the arrival?
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Aug 6, 2008 10:50:05 GMT
Hi Michelle
What you say about managing with 2 children has reminded me of a conversation i had with my friend when she had her second (she now has 3 all under 4!), she was worried about coping and didnt know what to do, but someone told her that having 2 kids was like an extansion of having one, but she didnt believe it.
Recently we had a conversation again about it and she says it is actually very true, that it really isnt much harder from having one child...
How you feeling today hun??
WG xx
|
|
|
Post by michelle1985 on Aug 6, 2008 15:41:38 GMT
i am feeling 100 times better today. this is what is so hard one minute i don't want to live and the next i am as happy as i always am it is a horrible illness and i hate hate hate it. emily is 17months old so not sure if she is looking forwards to it. i brought some books with pictures and new baby in it and we have gone through them together. and she taps her tummy and says baby it is so so sweet i feel like crying. i have had a little brake through though. as up until a few weeks ago the guilt i felt for having another baby looking at emily she was is such a little baby her self. but the last two weeks she has got bigger and bigger and realy looks like a little girl. so i suppose i will just have to wait and see what it is like. michelle
|
|
|
Post by michelle1985 on Aug 7, 2008 20:54:18 GMT
will do my bit in my diary. so i have emily i am in love with her instantly and thought all was well. i got stuck in to life again doing loads for other people as i do. i took her to toddlers two day old. i also did a bag packing charity thing when she was 2weeks, Martyn was sitting in the caff with her whilst i did the packing in case she needed feeding. she was breast feeding really well. all was fine. until one day we were at a family party and i was sat on the floor and Martyn tripped over my foot with Emily in his arms. and i burst in to tires thinking omg i can not protect her from anything in life. i had no idea were this thought came from.. i thought it was a one off so ignored it. then when she was about 4/5 months we took her to toddlers as a photographer was coming to take pictures. we had her done and went to go home. there is a long ramp outs side to the gate and the main road. my nephew was on a wall and Nealy feel i took my hand off the pram for an second to catch him, and the pram rolled away down the path me and Martyn ran after it as fast as we could but neither one of us could catch it. it hit the steel gate at what looked like 100mph and the pram snapped in two places. with Emily in it. she was wearing a snow suit and well strapped it. i took her out and held her in my arms and sat on the floor crying my hart out. (i had hurt my child) i was in such shock i couldn't stop crying i kept thinking of what could have happened. after that it was very very suttle differences. to be honest this is why i did not know i was ill. i started rapping my handbag round my wrist and the pram so i wouldn't let go. and after a little bit i stopped walking curten ways i would go down any hills. and then i stopped walking on the canal as i felt like i may push her in and my self. i relay was sceared of hurting her. then the flight or fight feeling started happening. and it was some times when i was feeding Emily i would have to through her off me and walk out the door when Martyn was in. me and Martyn had a different marriage to the one we had at first we were best Friends husband and wife and lovers again, it was fab. but i was still having these feeling.about a month later whilst eating my tea all of asudent i could not swallow it. i thought i was chocking i was so sceared i managed to spit it out and then i went light headed and Nealy passed out. i tried to forget about it but i couldn't get my breath out. this happened the next day aswell. and then i stopped eating. i would not eat a meal when it was put in front of me i would get so sceared of chocking i wouldn't eat. i lived on soup.. it was not a nice time. i was breast feeding but was not eating enough to keep a sparrow alive. and the fight or flight feeling was all the time now. it rulled my life. i then went on holiday to primrose Vally, and it was a horrible holiday i am not sure i even remember any nice things. i was so depressed and the sinking feeling i was always getting. i was convinced i was dieing i was suspicious that it was a brain tuma or Cancer of the throat. i thought i was going to die. one night on holiday i told Martyn i can not live like this anymore and i had thought about killing my self.
one day whilst in Whitby one holls we all went on a boat. i got the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach i sat on this boat (befor it set of) thinking about how i would save my whole family when we sunk. how would i hold Emily above my head so she wouldn't die. well the man got on to set sail 15mins round the bay, and i jumped up and ran for it. leaving mum dad Martyn Emily the dog on there. just could get on. i went and sat on the top of a stone whilst they said away i was looking down the drop watching the sea splash up and down the walls. i wanted to jump and end it there and then i new i did not want to live
i new then i needed help and fast so when i got home i took my self to the doctors and he gave me some anti'ds. the one they gave me after a week or so i got worse. i lift my house to g out one day and i felt like the sky was closing in on me. so i ran to my sisters house and said look after Emily i need to go to the doctors NOW they changed my meds and after a few weeks, on a lowish dose i felt better and sort of got on with my life and felt better. right i will leave it there for now. not sure my spell check works so hope you can read it xxx Michelle
|
|
|
Post by monica on Aug 8, 2008 16:38:19 GMT
Hi
Reading your last post is so much like my pni in many respects, by that I mean the fear of your child coming to harm, little triggers which seemd to bring on the thoughts, how things start to spiral out of control, the catastrophisation, inability to rationalise then panic attacks. I too didn't realise I was having panic attacks until I started getting better. for me it was another indicator that I had some awful illness
Given the fact that you lost a child, your protectiveness is bound to be heightened as is the fear of losing another child. It's so horrible to feel the way you did. Glad the antids kicked in and helped.
Love
Monica
|
|