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Post by winegirl on Oct 22, 2008 7:25:37 GMT
Glad you had a better day yesterday mate and hope today is better still xx
Hugs (())
WG x
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Post by michelle1985 on Oct 27, 2008 21:47:00 GMT
i feel lke i am going backwards. « Thread Started Today at 8:21pm »
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- hello ladies i thought it was just a few bad days but some of the thoughts i had have come back, and my anger is coming back too (havent had this one since i had it with my first) i can be having a good day and then i get so angry i start to snap and everyone my hubby and my little lass more. i am ashamed to say i got vilent with my hubby when i first had it with my first child. i never have been vilent to my kids. but i m so scared if i ever did become vilent again my husband would not be abel to take it and what if i did it to my kids i wouldnt be abel to live if i hurt them. but then more thoughts come er;ier my son was in my hubbies arms and i could see his toes (he has deformeties) and i felt repulsed by them i am not sure what whent through my head it was like a thought in my head been cross and sick that i had made another child that was not right. (i have never ones felt like this before.) and just now i took him up stairs and i felt like i did not even like him. i am so shocked at thease thoughts and verry verry upset i want to cry and cry. i brought this child in to the world and now i am scared i do not even love him. why am i going backwards i am on tablets 120mg of amatriptilin this should not be happening. i am seeing my cpn tomorrow but i am not sure she will be abel to help out much as she is like a freind and she has not realy seen pnd/pni illnesses. i guess i just odnt want to go backwards. i hated it feeling so so down and deppressed then not know form one muinite to the next if you want to kill your self or not. or ust feeling not in controle of anything. scared you will hurt some one scared you will push the pram in the canal with your presuse babies in. i feel sick to the stumake about if i go backwards i don't want to. i have loved the last few weeks i have felt my self again and it has been just lovely to wake up and get on with life and look forwards to the future again in stead of not been abel to think tomorrow exsisted. im sorry i am rabbling but i am hoping there is lots you lovely ladies have gone through it before. michelle xxxxx
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Post by winegirl on Oct 27, 2008 22:19:26 GMT
Hi Babes
I replied earlier in your other thread...
How are you doing tonight??
WG x
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Post by michelle1985 on Oct 27, 2008 22:33:54 GMT
i feel a little bit better. every time i think like this i give him a big hug and remind my self i do love him by giving him a big hug he has fed for abotu 40 muinites tonight so we have felt cloes. i am going tot alk to the cpn and i am allso seeing the syc docto too this week at a later day so we can talk about hurrying the cbt thing. michelle
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Post by cheshire on Nov 9, 2008 20:00:15 GMT
I hope things are moving along for you Michelle - how did the appts go and are getting some more support?
Hopefulxx
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Post by michelle1985 on Jan 26, 2009 21:12:35 GMT
ouhr
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Post by winegirl on Jan 26, 2009 21:23:58 GMT
Hey Michelle
saw you tried to post today. You ok mate??
WG xx
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Post by michelle1985 on Jan 27, 2009 21:59:33 GMT
hi wg yes im ok don't know what happend erlie.
i feel about 75% better a lot. i realy do love been a mum it is hard when i get strest and feel i have had anough instead of thinking well every mum feel like this now and then i am only human. but how my mind dose think is oh my god im going backwards i am letting my kids down i am making my kids life a misery. so i do need to work on that. and now and then my mind convinces me that no one likes me. but again i am not sure if this is the pnd/pni axiaty or just how i am. all my life i seem to have been on the side lines of the group of freinds i am good anough to go to when there feeling low and maybe a bit bad about them selfs. but it feels like as soon as they feel better i am dropped again. when i was at school a girl in my form owuld speek to me at home but hung around with the rest of the group of girls one day they fell out with her so i opend my arms and whent round with her for abotu a week and i loved it it felt like i had a freind. then the next week they must have fogiven her and she dropped me like a stone i was devastaited. but this seems to have folowed me in life i open my arms to all that need to it. i try and help loads of people who may be feeling loanly or upset of new mums who don't know anyone ells i take them in and as soon as they feel well or better they drop me and i feel loanly then. I just feel no one pickes me up and makes me feel better. i know the top of this i said i was ok but maybe my life has afected me more that i thought. i am wathcing the gokwan program on over waight teens and i remeber been that over wiahgt teen getting bullied and wanting to take my own life. been told i am a waighst of space and with my fat ars another three could be born if i f**ked off. i think and i know i am so insercure i just want to fit in with people but maybe it is me who puts the briges up maybe i come across too needy and people dont like that about me.. i just don't know it hurts me so much to think about it. i try and be nice and i am allways so helpfull i try never to be selfish and be there for everyone. but some times feel people are not fo rme.. this isnt talking about my family as there so good we all get on and were all close. i think it is because as i have my children the other mums ith there kids the same age go off in there little groups and i never get asked. charlotte died so don't get in with the lasses from then then i had emily and met 1 or 2 mums who i talk to but even then when there having the joys of been a first time mum i wasnt i was a second time mum who was so sceared and hiding this pni from everyone nealy falling to pieces and now i have joseph i am luky there was a few of the ladies at toddlers who have babies but still don't feel like i fit in.. but then im sure if people new i how i felt they would laugh as they see me larger than life the middle of most of the rude jokes at toddlers who never shuts up they don't no how insecure i feel and how all i have ever wanted is to be loved and to fit in. it may all be in my head though so you never no.. i am so sorry i didnt even mean to right this much it just ones you start and get it in your head it brakes my hart thinking of it.. michelle xxxxx
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Post by winegirl on Jan 28, 2009 21:05:46 GMT
Hi Michelle
I am certain that alot of what you feel will be caused by the PNI, but I am CERTAIN that PNI just makes us focus on our worst fears and past experiences. In your case, your issues with bullying and friendships as a teenager.
I watched Gok too, and had to turn off just before the end as I was getting upset about my own weight. Started thinking that maybe I would have more people around me like I used to is I could shift this couple of stone - funny how these things put a thought in your head...
How are you doing today?
WG xx
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Post by michelle1985 on Jan 28, 2009 23:22:17 GMT
thank you hunni for replying it dose mean a lot to me. it is nice to know other people are gowing through it too.. and tell me abotu the waight isue i have been trying to lose it forever. michelle
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Post by winegirl on Jan 29, 2009 19:57:37 GMT
If in my quest to find a diet that works I come across one - I will give it to you!! Though tbh, alot of my problem has been the meds and drinking too much wine, so down to a glass a night now and starting to come off the meds...
You know we are always here and listening mate x
WG x
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Post by michelle1985 on Feb 10, 2009 22:48:41 GMT
yesterday when i was going to meet sally in town, i saw before me and old and frail man pushing a verry heavy motor scooter hobbling along with a cain pushing this things. A lot of people walked straight past him not even taking the time to stop and even ask if he was ok. my hart would let me do that (i am not that sort of person) so whilst pushing the Phil and ted with the kids in, i approached and asked him if he was ok. he said the batteries had died on the scooter due to the snow he had not been out.
so i asked him if he would like some help? he said no you have your hands full. but me been me i wouldn't take no for an answer. so i hatched a plan and sat the chair on his scooter up so he could use it as i kind of zimmaframe so i dragged the scooter and pushed the pram. stopping every few yards so he could have a few minuite rest. we walked across town doing this it took 15 minutes and no one stopped to help.. half way he only realised i had two babies in the pram which made him feel bad. the last few steps a traffic warden came and helped put the scooter in his car. he gave me a big hug and said his thank yours when i said i was from slaithwaite he said oh my ironing lady lives there i said oh is it angie (my aunt) just had a message on fb of my cus and he would like my number to keep in touch.. oh bless i am so touched it made me want to cry. i miss my grandad so much i could just go and sit hugging the man.
michelle
iv copy and pasted this from a site i go on. iv not been too bad this week but i am changing i can feel it i am allways tierd and i feel cross all the time last week i realy wasnt enjoying been a mum (whitch isnt like me) and wanted to shout at them and martyn (poor hubby he has had it hard) i am going for my first cbt on friday(the bloody 13th) but i feel like i am gettign nurvouse i know they will want to know everything and i just feel like hiding but i will book up and go get it over with. allso my son is sick he has such bad reflux same as charlotte had and my sisters two kids have go throughs up twice to three times a day he is only having 3 oz a time about 3 bottles a day and he is 5months so we will have to see what the pediatrice doctor says tomorrow... hope your all well?
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Post by sianyc on Feb 11, 2009 12:30:48 GMT
What have they said about the reflux lovely?
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Post by michelle1985 on Feb 11, 2009 13:19:47 GMT
got an apointmeant with the pidiactric lady at 2.45pm it is the same one who looked after charlotte but i am still nurvouse. will update later
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Post by michelle1985 on Feb 12, 2009 20:53:08 GMT
he all well joseph had his appointment with the pediatrics we told him all about our concerns the first been he is on reniterdean gaviscon and domperadome and is still been sick and not drinking enough ending in him not weeing in 24hours. we also told him about him aspirating his milk leading to him having antibiotics 4 time in a few months. to this she said 1 stop reniterdien put us on ameprazole 10mg a day and to up the domperadome to 2mls 4 times a day. gaviscon in every bottle, and to now give him msa high energy at every feed. she also has referred us to a lovely lady (we saw with Charlotte) she is a speech and language therapist to watch the way he feeds she said if she and her feel it necessary we will have that test were they scan you whilst feeding to show how the milk is going down. she also referred us to the surgeon who did charlottes Nissan and gastrostomy. she and i both feel it needed doing now as i would be hart broken if joseph got pneumonia like charlotte did so she said a possible Nissan fundo. so that was number one on my list..
number 2 was his head it seams like it is growing more disfigured i know i lot of babies have flat head but his is down to the syndrome as was his sisters the width of his scull is getting bigger so it goes out wards from his eares. she said she will send him another skull scan, i do think it may just been me jumping on leaving nothing alone just in case.
number 3 was his toes because of the deformity of his toes there two wide at the end (a bit hard to explain) so when he wears booties he gets blisters on the end toe so she has referred me to the orthopedic surgeon (who i saw with the hips) and also referred us to for joseph to have an assessment of his needs ie: maybe getting some shoes to fit (when he needs them) . so i think that was it in the appointment. the omeprazole has seamed to be goo form the off until he was sick this evening i was raving about it lol but i know from my sister that it can take a few weeks to kick in.. so i guess just have to wait for all the appointments to kick in.
this is only typed for pni. tomorrow is my first cbt and i am a bit worried i am not sure what to exspect the thought of dragging up all my past scares me in case i go down hill again.. any advice would be verry grateful..
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