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Post by monica on Aug 28, 2009 13:44:45 GMT
how ar eyou doing
Love
Monica
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Post by winegirl on Aug 31, 2009 9:34:02 GMT
Thinking of you Shell xxxx
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Sept 2, 2009 15:38:15 GMT
Sorry I havent posted for a while - I just havent been up to posting much lately.
Had a couple of bad self harm incidents in the last couple of weeks and the last time I was in a & e the hospital staff were talking about me when I was waiting to be seen and they thought I couldnt hear them and they were so nasty about me and the self harm etc.
Since then I have thrown away all my blades and am going to finally try and fight the self harm once and for all because I want to be a proper mum to Jack and I dont want to still be cutting because he will find out and I dont want him to be upset about it. I cant carry on the way I am going with the cutting because one day I am going to go too far. I have had a couple of days with bad urges but I have managed to use the skills I am learning in DBt to help me and managed to ride through the urges, I know its going to be hard but I am trying to fight it this time so much.
I got the report from the psychologist at the weekend and it was very positive and he recommends contact so now I have made another appointment with the solicitor so that we can hopefully get things moving.
I got a bit upset though because in the report it said that Phil has now got a partner and has been in a relationship for the past 10 months. This has knocked me for six because I still have such strong feelings for him and I cant let go but I know I am going to have to accept it an move on. It hurts knowing that he is with another woman but I suppose he has just moved on with his life and deserves to. I will get over it I suppose and maybe thats what I needed to make myself get sorted out and move on.
Shell xxx
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Post by monica on Sept 2, 2009 17:39:00 GMT
Hi
Good to hear from you! So pleased psychologist report was positive (no reason why it shouldn't have been as you're an ace mum) and hopefully this will ensure you get access to Jack as a starting point. You sound so positive - it's really fantastic to hear you this way - you can do anything you want.
I'm sorry you found out in this way about Phil having someone else - it must hurt alot but as you say in time (that old cliche!) you will move on.you have so much to offer someone that I have no doubt there is someone special out there for you.
How are your cuts? Unfortunately even the amongst the medical profession there is ignorance re:mental illness and s/h - however, it's great tohear the therapy is helping you - don't forget we are here too.
Sending you much love
Monica
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Post by bean on Sept 3, 2009 19:55:37 GMT
Hi Shell Its great to hear from you, i was worried that id upset you the other night, i hope i didnt. Thinking of you. luv bean x
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Post by winegirl on Sept 7, 2009 11:04:10 GMT
Hey Shell
How have the last few days been for you? Yes, I can imagine that reading about Phil's new partner would have been upsetting, but yes, try and use it positively as sign to move on.
Hope you are ok??
Much Love
WG xx
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Post by littlelotty on Sept 7, 2009 21:01:19 GMT
Hi Shell
How are you feeling hun??
Glad to hear things seem to be moving with getting some contact with Jack.
Take care xxx
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Sept 25, 2009 10:50:27 GMT
Hi all
Been quite a mixed week - met up with phil to discuss getting contact with Jack started last saturday. He wont budge from a contact centre but we agreed its only for 4 sessions then I can have him on my own every other saturday after that. His solicitor has made the referral to the contact centre which should take about 3 weeks so hopefully will be seeing Jack soon. We had a good talk about how Jack is progressing and things he says and does, we talked and I explained more about my illnesses and the DBT and the self harm and he filled me in about his girlfriend and how they met etc. It seems its his gf that has pushed him into meeting me to discuss Jack as she is a mum herself and also has a parent with manic despression so knows what its like for people to have mental illness.
The sad news is that my friends dad who I was close to aswell died on tuesday night so I have been quite upset over that but I am coping surprisingly well considering.
The fab news is that it is 1 month today since I last self harmed. It has been very very hard, especially this week as I have had massive urges but have been staying with a friend to stay safe so got through it.
I am doing pretty well at the moment but I cant feel proud of myself yet even though I know deep down I should be.
Shell xxx
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Post by monica on Sept 25, 2009 12:46:09 GMT
Hi
Great to hear from you and that you're doing well! You should feel so proud of yourself - one month s/h free - that's brilliant! It can be easy but you're getting through it.
Things seems to be moving quickly on the contact front and that Phil seems up for it and not putting obstacles in your way as he was before. His gf sounds nice and is fighting for you too by the sounds of it.
Sorry tohear about your friend's dad - was it expected? Either way it's always sad news. You are getting stronger - death is always quite a traumtic event but you are coping with it.
Really pleased you are doing so well
love
Monica
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Post by winegirl on Sept 26, 2009 7:34:42 GMT
Hi Shell
Excellent news about the contact! And how amazing that this is sort of down to Phil's new gf! Every dark cloud and all that...
I bet you are so excited!
And well done on the s/h front. It takes great courage and strength to fight the urge - just proves you are stronger than you give yourself courage for!
So pleased for you hun x
Let us know how seeing Jack goes??
Take Care
WG xx
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Oct 7, 2009 18:04:21 GMT
well its 6 weeks self harm free which is good. Cant believe I have made it this far. Putting my skills into use for it. Only problem is my drinking now which is becoming a major problem. I have admitted I have a problem with it and that I cant control it and that I dont know when to stop. I can easily go through 2 bottles of wine a night or 8 pints or half bottle of vodka. Its scaring me because I am not able to remember the end of the night and its nearly every night and I have scared my friend this weekend as I fell asleep after drinking loads and he couldnt wake me and had to put me in recovery position and leave me. Its made me think that I am getting in so many staes one day something bad is going to happen to me. I talked it through with therapist yesterday and I have to stop drinking and make plans each night til I can feel able to fight it but tonight I have already given in and bought 2 bottles of wine and already half a bottle down now. I am scared because I cant stop it. I have thought about it all day. I dont know what to do. I need to get sorted before I start seeing Jack again. What if I have him overnight and I drink loads and something happens and I dont know. It feels like I have replaced the self harm with alcohol even though its been a problem for a long time now but only now I am realising it. Sorry dont know why I have said all this but I just dont know anymore. I am trying to be well for Jack and the self harming is great and under control but this is going to hold me back. i have replaced one destructive behaviour for another
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Post by monica on Oct 7, 2009 20:21:25 GMT
Hi Shell
Great to hear for you and a huge WELL DONE on the s/h - 6 weeks is brilliant.
I'm glad you're aware of the drinking and admitting to it - you are very vulnerable and need something to lean on . At times we all need some sort of emotional crutch - mine is eating. Would you talk to your dr? Or perhaps one of the drink related charities/helplines. I think one of the issues is you are alone especially in the evenings when things tend to get to you - perhaps you could fill in that time with swimming or something like that. Your friend sounds v nice - perhaps he could go with you? It's often easier to do something like that with someone else to motivate you.
Do post on here - let us know how you are and we are here for you.
Love
Monica
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Oct 10, 2009 11:17:48 GMT
Hi Monica
Yep I am pleased that I have managed 6 weeks without self harming - been having bad urges though still but mananging to hold out on them but I think its because I ended up drinking instead.
Yesterday I felt so bad and so down and even though I knew my friend was picking me up to go back to his for the weekend I still managed to go to the pub and have a couple of glasses of wine asI felt so desperate forn a drink and knew I would not get one later.
I am so sick of battling everything. Its so wearing and I just want to wake up and be ok.
I have tried this week to keep myself busy - especially on the evening and I am going to start swimming again next week anyway. I really think thta this time round its going to be harder to stop drinking than it is to stop the self harm.
I feel very reluctant to go to see my Dr but I have been looking for local meetings for AA but not sure if I have the confidence to actually attend a meeting. I'll see how I get on over the next couple of weeks.
Shell xxx
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Post by winegirl on Oct 10, 2009 13:04:58 GMT
Hi Shell
Alcohol has always been my crutch too. I am able to cut it down normally, but now blipping again have realised that I am reliant again. I think you need to be in a relatively ok place to stop completely, and in the meantime attempt to cut it down to a glass of wine a night or something.
I would go to the gym or for a swim in the evening and not get back till 9pm so that I could just have the one glass then go straight to bed - I have to start again next week too with the swimming and alcohol cut down, so will be right behind you mate.
You are doing good, hold on to that x
Love
WG xx
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Post by monica on Oct 10, 2009 17:44:38 GMT
Hi
Great chatting to you! You are doing so well, Shell. Good plan to go swimming - it'll distract and tire you out and get those endorphins going too. Not to mention give you opportunity to drool over any fit life guards who might be around......sadly our pool doesn't have any!
Are you at your friends this weeend? how is it going?
Monica
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