michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Dec 11, 2009 20:41:41 GMT
Hi all - hope you ok
I am sooooo upset tonight. After all this time fighting for Jack and now I can see him its great. But all my family have said is when we see Jack we can do this and do that and go here and there. Everytime since oct that i have said we will meet up of they can see jack they made excuses. Its upset me so much that they cant be bothered with him. Its all have had all my life and thought this had changed. Poor jack has a new family that dont want to know. All its made me do is drink and want to cut. And I cant stop crying
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Post by winegirl on Dec 12, 2009 8:21:48 GMT
Give them time Shell. I know its not right, but perhaps they are adjusting to this new system and are not sure how to handle it yet?
What is important right now is that you and Jack are having your time to bond again. Mother and son. The rest can follow in time. Enjoy every minute with him, and work towards a brighter Shell every minute you are not and you will do great.
We are here for you Shell xxx
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Post by monica on Dec 12, 2009 17:00:53 GMT
Hello
It must be upsetting if your family are not living up to their promises but th emain thng is that YOU are there for HIM - nothing can replace that and you and he can have quality time together. please try to focus on that. Families are all different - I find that some of my oh's family is a bit like that - not that bothered about making an effort. Would you consider talking about it to your family? Maybe they don't realise how much it's upsetting you? Maybe they want to give you two time together?
Love
Monica
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Dec 13, 2009 23:02:33 GMT
I got so upset with it all I ended up cutting badl and spen 7 hours in a & e. I still cant help getting upset over my family. I had to see Jack yesterday and it was hard as it made me look at him and wish my family wanted to see him. ended p with more staples than ever because of it. I am such a failure
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Post by winegirl on Dec 17, 2009 20:30:03 GMT
Im so so sorry Shell And sorry that I have only just got on here to reply to you! How is your cut? How are you?? I am on facebook tonight if you fancy a chat?? WG xx
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Post by bean on Jan 18, 2010 0:04:11 GMT
Hi Shell How you doing since we last spoke hun? Are youre cuts healing? how r thngs with Jack? Hope youre ok hun big hugs, pleaes just let me know how you are xx beanyxx
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Jan 23, 2010 19:23:29 GMT
Hi Bean - and everyone
So sorry I havene been in touch. Had some good days and some very very bad days. Self harmed a lot and the drinking is still out of control. It scarres me. So upset about wednesday as i self harmed and had to go to a & e and I am sure I was violated by the dr. Had made me do things that I think he shouldnt have done and it worries me and makes me feel angry and upset. Since then felt so down and upset and cant seem to feel better and I had Jack today but struggled and just wanted to take him back and go home and cry. I cant deal with much at the moment. I promised therapist in thurs i would not drink and ring the crisis team if I felt bad but I just cant do that today. I got rid of my blades on thursday but have just realised tonight that keith has left his here and in so easy reach. I dont want to give in but as i drink more I just dont know what I will do.
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Post by winegirl on Jan 23, 2010 21:20:55 GMT
Shell, I dont want to push this with you - so just ignore my post if you want to, i dont mind. But i was wondering if you could tell us about what happend with the dr??
You know it goes no further.
Big hugs to you mate (()) You on FB later??
WG xx
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Jan 23, 2010 22:33:03 GMT
i dont know if i could talk about it - basically he made me do things i didnt need to do. And without a nurse or other back up. I need to sh tonight but darent because i dont ant to go back there and know if i do sh i will have to.
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Post by bean guest on Jan 23, 2010 23:53:05 GMT
Hun here for you too, you dont have to talk about anything you dont want, but if you decide you do, you know that nobody here judges anyone, especially you, i know how hard you are trying. Please try to stay safe tonight, i know how you are feeling cause im the same, you can do it, you dont need to go back there, fight it hun xxxx text me if you need me xx
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Post by winegirl on Jan 24, 2010 13:37:34 GMT
Were you ok last night??
Thinking of you xx
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Jun 29, 2010 19:41:05 GMT
Hi all
Thought I would update on here. I know some of you are on my facebook so dont really know much because I cant say a lot on there.
I am doing sort of ok - the self harm is few and far but still having bad episodes. the week before last I cut badly and ended up being admitted to hospital until the next day when they thought I was safe enough to go home.
I have now moved in with my partner - to a place 25 mile from home and finding it hard - even now. I feel so lonely, I dont know anyone, Keith is working all day and I get so lonely and bored and fed up.
I am now seeing Jack every fortnight and have him overnight which is fab. I love having him and its going great.
The big problem at the moment is my alcohol abuse. I have finally admitted it to professionals and am seeking help. the alcohol team did a telephone assessment and then said they could not help until I had an assessment by a specialist nurse and Prescribing Dr. so have not got that appointment for 13th July. I need to get it sorted - I am slowly killing myself and upsetting everyone around me. So scared of what will happen and have no idea how I will manage to stop drinking. I cant even cut it down.
Today is a bad day for some reason - the urge to self harm is so bad and I dont know why. I have to get through it as I cant bear another night in hospital.
Anyway waffled on - no idea why I have posted but then I have no idea why I am still here sometimes
Shell xxx
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Post by bean on Jun 29, 2010 20:04:36 GMT
Hi Shell You havent waffled at all and i understand why youve posted, because you we know we can be honest here, without judgement. You know you dont need to self harm, and how bad you'll feel in hospital - i know myself sometimes that would help me not to do it, the fear of having to go in, but you are doing so well not to be doing it all the time, you have come so far. Its great that you are seeing Jack again I saw your f/b about him staying, that is lovely and this you must keep in mind. It must be so hard moving away and starting afresh but you have admitted to yourself you need help with the alcohol and this is the best step forward. I know you know i dont have any answers hun, just feel that we have both come so far and I care, I know how hard the fighting the s/h is and think youre brilliant to be where you are now, being a mum to your little man. Take care hun and look after yourself luv bean x
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Post by winegirl on Jun 30, 2010 11:27:52 GMT
Hi Shell
Great to have you back x I noticed on FB you said something about the s/h and trying to keep it quiet from Keith.. Is that right or did i get that really misunderstood? Just wondered how much he knew and how he was being etc..
I am soooo pleased that you are having Jack again, i see on FB that you are really enjoying having him around!!
You are doing FAB and have come such a long way, hold onto that mate and know we are always here whenever you need us
Love
WG xx
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Jul 1, 2010 16:41:51 GMT
Thanks Bean and WG Managing not to sh but still getting such big urges. Just been annoyed again by my dr and feel crap and I want to cut but I have to put something in place as I need to tell myself at the end of the day it isnt going to change anything and just make things worse. WG - in response to your question about Keith - he does know most of the sh - just not the ones I try to hide but is hard when he lives and sleeps with me lol. Its more the hiding the amount I drink from him but he now realised how bad that is and prob about 80% of the time is supportive but he is human and gets frustrated and upset with me about it. He keeps saying how much he is scared to lose me to the drink. He is coming with me for my appt with the alcohol team so that is great. I really cant do that on my own. I LOVE HAVING JACK!!!!!!! I get so upset taking him home but its so special now that I have him overnight. And I am finally getting over the thoughts of never having kids again because of jacks traumatic birth and the horrendous PNI and actually discussing the possibilities of trying for a child with Keith but I said I have to be totally well and off the meds first and away from the alcohol and SH. I am getting broody seeing pregnant people and new babies and thats never happened til lately. Just halfway through first bottles of wine so might not get chance to post again til tomorrow. Thansk for your replies Shell xxx
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