michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Sept 23, 2008 15:20:02 GMT
Hi
I somehoew managed to get through last night without harming but this morning i ended up cutting badly. Went to a & e and spent FIVE long hours there waiting to be stitched back up (although they chose to staple me - argh ). They had me talk to liason psychiatry becasue i am feeling so bad and spoke to lisa again (I have seen her a lot over last two years) and we talked for ages and i told her how i was struggling with evrything in my head and all the bad things that have happened to me. I told her i struggle to be open and truthful with my cpn and that im finding psychology so hard. She is going to ring my cpn and see if they can review my care coz what ive got right now isnt working and shes going to talk to the psychologist too. Feel so tired and worn out after talking about it all with her and having to sit there that long waiting got me in a state with thinking of everything and making me feel bad. I dont know whether i will get through rest of day safely - still have such big urges.
Shell
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Post by winegirl on Sept 23, 2008 17:17:22 GMT
Hey babes x
You can do it tonight. I am certain you dont want to go through more staples...
I am glad that they are FINALLY reviewing your care - its taken all this time to figure out that what they have done with you isnt working...
Will be around this evening if you need a distraction x
WG x
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Post by bean on Sept 24, 2008 13:23:22 GMT
Hi Shell How did your meeting go, sorry I had to go last night I was seeing double in the end, I hope you managed to get some sleep. Im glad we contacted though cause I think distraction for both of us (I hope anyway). Let us know how you got on darl. Luv & hugs bean x
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Sept 24, 2008 20:05:48 GMT
Hi Bean - thanks for taking the time to talk to me last night. It helped having someone to talk to and at least i got through the night without anymore self harming.
BUT just back from a & e as after saw solicitor i came home and got upset and angry and felt i had to cut so now got more staples in the other arm.
I think it is going to be a long time before the self harming stops. Right now i have too much to deal with and all the bad things are getting to me and i have to sort them out first before i can sort the self harm. I think its going to get worse before it gets better. At the moment al my head tells me is to cut and i cant stop it.
Shell
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Post by winegirl on Sept 25, 2008 7:24:45 GMT
Hi Hun
Sorry you were back in a&E babes. How are you feeling today? What did the solicitor have to say?
Sending you massive hugs (())
WG x
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Sept 25, 2008 10:12:25 GMT
Hi WG - thanks for the hugs - I appreciate them. Wish they were real hugs though.
Still feeling really bad - cant switch off from the bad thoughts and thinking of all the horrible things thats happened is making me want to hurt myself so much. Just had appointment with psychology which was hard and always leaves me feeling rotten afterwards.
Solicitors was ok considering. We have to try mediation foirst which i know phil wont do because he wouldnt last year but we have to at least attempt to try it before we can go back to court. If it goes to court the outcome may be that we go to a contact centre and that i might be able totake my mam too so that she can rebuild some relationship with jack as shes not seen him for 2 years and jack wont know who she is. Hoping that once weve done contat centre then my my mam can be min superviser as jack will know her then. he is also going to sort out the divorce and my share of the house. I hate this not knowing whats going to happen and how long its going to take.
Got appointment with cpn this afternoon - not sure what to expect from that. I seem to have lost all faith in her and the system. She doesnt want to help me and doesnt understand and i cant talk to her like i should.
Shell
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Post by winegirl on Sept 25, 2008 15:20:52 GMT
Hey Shell
Well it sounds like the solicitor is definately moving things forward.
How did it go with the CPN this afternoon??
WG X
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Sept 25, 2008 19:38:30 GMT
Saw cpn and made big progress. I told her how hard i was finding it talking to her becuase i felt that i was let down by the duty cpn and it knocked my confidence in them and felt i couldnt be honest. But today i was very honest with her and told her everything about how i have been feeling. Then we talked about jacks birth (something i have never told her) and all my feelings and what had happened and how i feel now about jack and how i havent been able to bond with him. I said i wasnt sure that i actually wanted contact with jack because i dont know how i feel about him and we talked about that. She was so pleased that i opened up to her and said she feels she understands so much more about me now and can understand how i feel about things. She wants to review my care and is arranging a meeting at west park for her, psychiatrist, psychologist, me and my mam (if i want her there) to talk about my care and what they think should happen and what i want and they want to discuss my meds. So scared of this big meet but hopefully will help. Not sure what I want though. Felt so much more positive after this session. She did say that they bit worried about whether the s/h will increase due to these issues that i need to deal with and that if it does increase they will have to review things again. She has talked through a few coping strategies and we going to work on what to do on my most vulnerable times of the day. All in all it went well.
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Post by motherferret on Sept 25, 2008 19:44:26 GMT
Hi Shell, I don't often write on this one, because we don't really know each other, but you wrote on the thread I started. I read yours and what you go through, and sometimes it feels as though you are writing about my thoughts!! God, I hope you are proud of yourself for today. After being bounced about by the system you did so, so well to be honest with your Cpn and feel you have gone forwards today. That will have been a huge effort, and I am proud of you, even though we have never met. Please give yourself a big hug from me to say Well Done!!! Well Done!! Well Done!!!! Love, ALi (Motherferret)
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Post by bean not logged on on Sept 25, 2008 19:57:06 GMT
Hi Shell Sounds like you did great today, well done you. The meeting sounds like a good thing, keep talking to them so they can give you the best help they can. Im so impressed the way you keep fighting, I know you dont always see this but you are such a special person - I know by the way you talk to me, if you didnt care you wouldnt bother. Sending massive hugs to you, keep fighting - you can do it hun. Luv bean xx
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Post by cheshire on Sept 26, 2008 7:14:01 GMT
Hi Shell,
Well done for opening up and keeping up the fight - you should be really proud of yourself x
Love and hugs, Hopefulxx
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Post by bean not logged on on Sept 27, 2008 18:20:21 GMT
Hi Shell How u doing hun? Luv bean x
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Sept 29, 2008 14:51:48 GMT
not doing too good today and know i have to self harm badly. I know i should really try not to and distract myself but i dont think it will work and cant really be bothered to fight it. Im only good enough to hurt myself and deserve it so much. Been on my own all day and will be til tomorrow. Wish it was bedtime and that i could have some peace from things. I cant deal with all these things in my head - why cant they go away.
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Post by bam02 on Sept 29, 2008 21:57:47 GMT
Hi Shelle are u around?
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Post by bam02 on Sept 29, 2008 22:15:50 GMT
Hi dont know what to say?
Self harm in a much milder way.... Goto go to bed soon... but want to help..
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