NOT COPING!

[phild09]

I'm not coping at all I'm beginning to wonder if I even have PNI, or if I genuinely want to hurt my son. I had intrusive thoughts before I had him, when I had him things were great but after about 10 weeks I went really downhill and started thinking of awful things like dropping him, abusing him, hurting him...things I don't even like to speak about, things that make me feel sick. Now I am convinced I'm actually going to do these things. I can't change his nappy or play with him without feeling ill because I am convinced I've hurt him. I get a sinking feeling in my chest if I have to change him or pick him up when someone else isnt in the room. I have just got through a hellish weekend with just the 2 of us while OH was on a stag night - I don't know how I did it tho, I feel like I'm going mad. My son wriggled out of my grip in the bath the other day for example and I was convinced I had tried to drown him even though my OH dad was in the room the whole time and I would never do that anyway!!!

Please help.

[winegirl]

Hi Hun

You really dont want to do these things and it is the PNI talking, I promise. I am certain that you would never do any of these things just by listening to the pain that these thoughts cause you.

I know this is really hard, but you need to push yourslef to touch, cuddle and change him. It will be horrid at first with the thoughts, but the more you do it and challenge them, the easier it gets, I promise.

You know we are all here for you??

WG x

[phild09]

I've been trying and you're right it does help a bit. It is difficult though. Especially when I'm paranoid about so many things.

Does it get better?

[jemima]

Oh Phild09,I relly feel for you as I have been through all this too but like Winegirl says ,it really is better to do all the stuff anyway as it does get easier ,I promise too.The more you find out about this dreadful illness the more you will come to realise that it is not you.I had a bit of a blip tonight with an awful thought/feeling but for the first time in 3 and a half years I managed it and it only had a mild depressive effect on me, which I think is real progress for me.
You wont do these things, I remember when I had my first, a thought kept telling me I would end up killing her and it was absolute hell and very scary and I didnt know why
I kept doing it untill I found out I had PNI.
Please keep posting and asking for help, whatever it is and everyone will help you I promise.We have all experienced this to some degree. XX

[winegirl]

Yes it does! I conquered all my thoughts eventually - but I wont lie - it was bloody hard. Every time I tried to face them I felt sick and dizzy, but very very gradually it started to get better and now I am pretty much over them all.

I promise, it will get better xx

[jemima]

Hi WG, for the first time I think,I am actually seeing light at the end of the tunnel and not justb feeling a bit better before a major blip.I know I still have a long way to go I know but feel that this is the final stage.Had horrendous weekend with myOH and I only speaking when we had to and not showing anything in front of the kids but it eventually came to a head last night and I explained a little more on what I have been going through.Showed him this site and I think he feels a lot better with a little more knowledge.We are both on the long road now but it feels good to have the support at last even if I am over the worst.

[cheshire]

Hi Jemima,

Just been catching up with your thread.

I had awful 'what if' thoughts similar to yourself - and I know how disturbing and exhausting it can be. It is very difficult to push them away and to cope with them, but please just tell yourself it's part of the illness and I promise, it really doe simprove.

How are you today?

Love, Hopefulx

[jemima]

H i Hopeful, myself I feel much more on the road to recovery with the darkest days
behind me I think,god they were awful.The absolute worst time of my life which was so kept within.Kept going by my huge love for the girls and sense of humour which has been my saviour all my life!
Having a harder time now withOH, have shut him out for months really but you do dont you ,its the nature of the illness.Now I am getting better,he seems to be getting worse.As long as we keep talking I suppose it will get better.To be honest,I have been so consumed with this I cant really help anyone else at the moment . X

[cheshire]

Hi Jemima,

So good to read you are coming back into the light - I remember that turning point too It'll take a while longer, but you will get therex

Really identified with what you said about OH - as I experienced similar - it was like as I started to get better, he dipped himself and I realised what a mess our relationship was. As you say, th eillness is all consuming at its worst.

Keep talking - it really will help you both get out of this traumatic experience.

Hugs, Hopefulxxx

[jemima]

Thankyou! It is great to have reached a turning point but christ what a rough ride!
I feel a bit battered and bruised mentally and am now just trying to put myself first which is probably the first time in my life! I just feel that there has been a huge communication breakdown and we are just singing from different hymsheets now and that he still doesnt understand.He still seems more concerned with how it has affected him.To be honest after what I have been through,I have gone past caring about anything else apart from getting myself better.Unless you have been through it, you cant appreciate what a living hell it is.There may not be any need for him to know anymore about it now that I am getting well but I feel that he just wants things to jump back to how they were before.

[cheshire]

Unless you have been through it, you cant appreciate what a living hell it is.There may not be any need for him to know anymore about it now that I am getting well but I feel that he just wants things to jump back to how they were before.

Know exactly what you mean - I think it's their 'fix it' driver!

[winegirl]

Hi Jemima

Its the sam with me and my Hubby. Now I am better it is all just supposed to be like it was, but it isnt. PNI has changed me and him and the way we live and it is so hard to get it all back. It is very frustrating for him I think that I am still taking slow baby steps.

Just keep talking to each other babes and it will get easier x

Take Care

WG xx

[jemima]

Thanks, I think they are just so different to us sometimes!
I feel now that I too am taking small baby steps but at least can look back over the illness whereas I was too afraid to before in case it started up the thoughts again.
Hope we will get back on track, it will only make us stronger if we do, lots love X

[phild09]

Just a quick update...I am still not coping at all. Constantly worried about harming LO. It's like whenever I do things (just his daily care) I am so scared the tiniest thing is hurting him. It is making my life miserable.

Been on tablets for 5 1/2 weeks and so far, no change.

I am going to the baby clinic today to get lo weighed and talk to HV, see if there's someone who can come and talk to me. My oh isnt supportive at all and that doesn't help. My mil is though. But I feel sick and panicky all day long until LO is in bed. Then I go and look at his beautiful face and wonder how I can even think about harming him.

When will this end!!!!

Jemima, I'm glad you are feeling better honey. Hope I am in your position some day hopefully soon x

[winegirl]

Hi Hun

You will be in that position one day soon, I promise. The tablets you are on may need upping a bit too after 5 weeks so perhaps talk to your GP about that?

Let us know how you get on at the baby clinic tomorrow hun. Have you thought about speaking to Homestart for a bit of help?

WG xxx