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Post by monica on Sept 25, 2008 16:01:45 GMT
Hi
I would also go and talk to gp and let him know you are seeing no difference. How did you get on with hv? she she make any suggestions?
Love
Monica
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Post by jemima on Sept 25, 2008 21:03:44 GMT
Hi Phildo9, so concerned about how you have been feeling.My darkest days seemed to go on and on and I never thought I would be free of the horrible thoughts and worries. My meds have really helped me, am on Sertraline 50mg and have been on them for three months now.I suppose they really worked after about 9 or ten weeks.Istill have bad days and thoughts which are awful sometimes but these are starting to get further apart and I am not so distressed about them now.I first started dealing with them by teling myself that they were a symptom of the illness ,its really hard I know as they do youur head in so much but they will get less and less I promise. I also found it helpful to find out all I could about the illness and posting and reading on here has been an enormous support. Believe me I thought my life had been ruined at one point because of this but now I realise that it was something that just happened to me which I had no control over. Keep posting, no one will be shocked or judge you, just give you warmth and help. I hope you got on ok today and are feeling a bit better XX
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Post by phild09 on Sept 25, 2008 21:10:58 GMT
Well I have seen HV today and had a complete MELTDOWN...is the only way I can describe it. I was absolutely hysterical and kept her way past clinic hours. Feel really bad now, but in myself, I feel a lot better.
I had already been referred to a psychiatric nurse and she is chasing the referral and hopefully they will call me tomorrow.
I really was in a state, but it had been brewing for ages.
On the plus side LO is gaining weight really well which he hadnt been lately. Thank you for all your kind words girls x
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Post by cheshire on Sept 26, 2008 7:15:36 GMT
Hi Phildog, How are you feeling today? Know that 'pressure cooker' feeling - sometimes getting it all out can help I find. Good to hear LO is doing well Hopefulx
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Post by littlelotty on Sept 26, 2008 20:43:39 GMT
Hi Phildog
Sounds like you hit breaking point yesterday and it was really good that you could talk to someone about how you feel. Lets hope the support comes to you quick, if not chase them!
It does get better though - i have been through it and after some really hard times i am surprised i am able to say that i am feeling so much better.
Keep talking to us
Littlelotty xx
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Post by jemima on Sept 27, 2008 11:41:14 GMT
How are you feeling today Phild09? Hope you are ok Jemima X
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Post by phild09 on Sept 29, 2008 8:21:42 GMT
Hi, thanks for your concern. I am not good at all. Please PLEASE do not hate me but today I did come close to hurting my lo. Well, I say come close. But I knew I wouldn't - and I didn't. But it has scared me so much and been crying all morning. Haven't heard about the referral yet so have called the hv and she is going to call me back, I just feel so helpless. I know Gabe is going to be taken off me... I have let Gabe down and he doesnt deserve this!!!!
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Post by monica on Sept 29, 2008 9:15:36 GMT
Hi
Did something trigger it off? No one hates you - this illness pushes you to the edge of your tether and you did the right thing by calling your hv, do tell her exactly how you feel. No one will take your child from you. You say yourself you know you wouldn't have done anything but you do need help with managing with horrible illness.
Obviously depending on the trigger for how you felt, some coping strategies are leaving your little one in a safe place eg cot for a 5 mins and walking out the room just to calm down. Calling someone perhaps, firends or family - often a problem shared is a problme halved and get hellp you offload.
It is evident you love your child so much. I fyou didn't you wouldnt be wracked with guilt the way you do. Believe me this illness is dreadful. dont' forget kids can push you to the limit and that goes for mums without PNI.
how are you now?
Monica
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Post by phild09 on Sept 29, 2008 9:29:48 GMT
The thing is I could understand it if he was a "bad" baby. Crying etc. But he isn't in fact he rarely cries and is forever smiling and giggling. Even my mil said there were times when she wanted to shake her kids when they were crying and had to leave them to go calm down. But Gabe is so good I am feeling slightly better had a nice time playing with lo and now he is down for a nap - not sure what I will say when HV calls back ...am so worried they will take him. x
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Post by monica on Sept 29, 2008 9:35:36 GMT
It's this illness and not you! My lo was really good too but I just couldn't cope with anything at all and it's the same for many women on here. I would try and be as honest with HV as you can - tell her you can't cope at time and see what she suggests? Do you know what might help you? Also tell her you worry that Gabe will be taken away from you cos of how you feel - I'm sure she'll be able to putyour mind at rest.
Glad you're feeling bit better
Love
Monica
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Post by phild09 on Sept 29, 2008 12:49:16 GMT
Well - still no call I have called again but the woman just said try again later. I'm so mad - I'm really desperate - who IS getting to see their HV??? I know its not the HV fault as she is nice and always attentive. But they are just so short staffed. I can't do this anymore. I'm just so low and sick of myself. I want my lo to be happy and he cant be with such a paranoid mother. A spot on his face started bleeding and I convinced myself I had done it when wiping his spoon over his face - any accident, I seem to make into my fault. I just dont want to live anymore Sorry I know that sounds dramatic but I feel I have failed as a mummy, im failing to protect my child.
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Post by monica on Sept 29, 2008 13:59:12 GMT
Hi
Has HV called yet? If not call again - and whoever answers phone tell them exactly how you feeling and how you need to talk to someone now - say what you said in your post above you feel you dont' want to live anymore.
You are a fab mum and do a wonderful job. You can't do anything to stop a spot appearing, nor can you prevent them falling over from time to time etc - they are kids and that's what they do.
it's this illness that is making you feel the way you do. The doubt, the paranoia, the feelings of worthlessness, failure - the list is endless and it's hard to reason with yourself and convince yourself otherwise.
Your little one sounds liek a really well adjusted and happy child and that is alldown to you. You said yourself he is content. Try to concentrate on that. perhaps write down all the goods things about him and when you start to doubt yourself, read that list - it's allthere in black and white.
Love
Monica
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Post by littlelotty on Sept 29, 2008 14:34:15 GMT
Have they called yet? If they dont do you have the number for the crisis line?? It sounds like you need someone to come and talk to you and make you feel calmer.
I have taken two overdoses and trust me it is not the answer - it really does make things worse. Your LO needs you and loves you, it is the PNI that is making you feel like this.
Have a read of my diary if you like and see what i have been through - up and down and trying to kill myself etc and now i can say i am so much better - it was only by talking to people and getting the help that i have got to this place.
We are all here for you hun and keep talking to us
Littlelotty xx
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Post by jemima on Sept 29, 2008 15:05:52 GMT
Hi Phild09, so sorry that I couldnt respond this morn, hope you have spoken to someone now and the other girls posts have made you feel a bit better.Have had a horrendous weekend myself with my OH which has flared up the illness again and have had quite a busy day which has been really hard feeling so bad again.Like you I have thought of ending it all today but know how awful it would be for my little ones and all my lovely friends, husband and family.You are a good mum or you wuoldnt be so racked with guilt and feeling so bad. This is a horrible twisting illness which makes you lose sight of reality sometimes.Keep posting here ,as everyone has said we are all here for you.If you want to email or pm me anytime ,please feel free. Sending you strength, Jemima XX
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Post by phild09 on Sept 29, 2008 20:21:03 GMT
I really know what you mean about losing sight of reality- think that was a while ago for me! Well, I did get through to my HV eventually and she has been chasing my referral, it turns out it hasn't gone through at all. I'm too tired and fed up of things to even be annoyed about it... Her advice was to get an emergency appt with GP and stress how urgent things really are so he can speed up referral. Thing is I feel so uncomfortable talking to GP. One of them is male and though nice, I dont feel comfortable talking to. The other is female and completely unsympathetic about everything. When I spoke with her about PNI for the 1st time, she just advised me to take herbal tablets... I had a chat with Gabriel tonight, lol. He really does cheer me up. He smiles and giggles at me all the time even when I am crying my eyes out. He is just the best thing thats ever happened to me and I think that is why I panic so much. All I ever wanted was to be a mum and Im just so scared of screwing it up. Big hugs to everyone who is feeling just as bad. Thank you for your comments, they mean a lot to me x
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