flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
|
Post by flobob on Nov 2, 2008 8:29:28 GMT
Starting a new diary because I'm not sure how I feel is right. Hope it is OK to start a new diary. Can't face looking back at the other one.
Baby doesn't sleep much and I'm exhausted. Feel so guilty for neglecting my baby girl and my little boy. Can't be the best mum for both of them.
Yesterday my little boy said to me "you're not happy". I said "yes, I am happy, I have my lovely boy and my lovely girl". He replied "that makes you cry".
Floored. Can a 2 1/2 year old know? I do feel as though some of my thoughts are not right. Not as bad as last time but that I'm struggling to convince myself and appear normal. Can my little boy see past this facade where other people haven't?
My little boy has seen me crying. Have I damaged him?
I feel like I have ruined my little boy's life by: - having PNI - having another baby.
Everyone says my baby girl is beautiful but I can't see it. I don't think she is ugly but can only see the poorer things in her like a rash on her face. I shouldn't be so critical of her.
The lack of love I feel for her makes me cry.
I don't always go to her when she cries even when we are here on our own.
I can only see the bad things I've given her: - thick eyebrows - small slitty eyes - dry skin - sleeplessness
My OH is being a pig. Yesterday evening around 10pm, I'd just put baby into her moses basket, but she wasn't asleep. And went downstairs briefly. Told OH that I was soooooo tired. He said "try to get some rest". I asked him to come upstairs with me so if baby cried he could pick her up and I could still rest. That was asking too much. He sighed and made out that I was being difficult. He just sympathises in words but doesn't help with any actions.
I went upstairs but didn't go in to our bedroom because I was too scared that if baby saw me she'd want feeding again and I just couldn't face it. (I have thrush and very painful nipples and boobs.)
Feel like I'm starving my baby because I know at times I avoid feeding her for a little while. Not completely because that is impossible. But don't pick her up straight away hoping she'll change her mind and fall asleep.
OH came upstairs in the dark carrying a chair and accidently hit me with it because he didn't see me sitting at the top of the stairs. I didn't see him coming because I had my eyes closed and my head in my hands. OH didn't see me because the lights weren't on. Then instead of asking why I was there or caring that I'd just got bashed on the head, he swore at me.
He picked up baby and went downstairs with her. But not in a caring way, quite roughly. Then shouted up the stairs at me "why was I sitting there". I told him it was because I was fearful she'd want feeding again. He knows I'm in pain and am sore. He just said well she does want feeding.
I'd fed her at 5pm, 7pm, 8.30pm, 9.30pm. Too sore to want to do more.
I went into the bedroom. In a bit OH came in with baby, put her roughly in her moses basket and said he was going out to buy formula milk. All my fault. I should have had a "back-up plan".
Don't want to stop breastfeeding. Baby boy was breastfed and once I was over the initial problems I enjoyed those quiet times with him. Want the same with my little girl and to give her the same benefits that little boy has had.
OH moaned on about no 24-hour shops near here. And he would have to go 10 miles to the big town. I told him he could go where he liked I wasn't giving her formula milk. Told him that he was being unsupportive. If he'd said "you're in pain, would you like me to get some formula milk" then it would have been caring. But instead he just gets angry and seems as though he's trying to stop me feeding her when I feel really strongly about this.
I fed baby girl again at 10.30pm. She fed for at least an hour. Finally put her into her moses basket at midnight. She slept until 3.30am. Another feed then. And back to her moses basket at 5am. Then she woke at 5.40am. Another feed. And then wide awake. I took her downstairs so that she didn't disturb little boy and OH. She finally fell asleep at 8am.
Little boy and OH were coming downstairs so I brought her back up and she's now asleep in her cot.
I want to go to bed and sleep too. But OH always makes me feel so guilty for ignoring our little boy. As if I don't feel bad enough over that anyway.
|
|
|
Post by cheshire on Nov 2, 2008 18:19:07 GMT
Hi Flobob,
Of course it's fine to start a new diary - hope it helpsx.
I think children have ESP - they can pick up on things very readily. I often got very anxious about my baby boy in the company of my daughter - and she would have picked up on it anyway, as I couldn't hide it when I was very ill. So we explained the situation to her and she has an awareness. It's hard to know if this is the right thing to do - but I think for her to see life as it really is - range of emotions/ events is ok. But unfortunatley, this is no dress re-hearsal, so am just hoping that an understanding/ information will help. She is a very happy and confident junior aged child. Also noted by her teachers that she is very caring towards her peers & people in general. Very proud of her.
I feel certain that all new parents feel the stress - add PNI into the equation and it's the hardest job in the world. This time will pass and you will be ok.
Hopefulx
|
|
|
Post by monica on Nov 3, 2008 9:14:46 GMT
Hi
You sound exhausted and I defy anyone on a few hours broken sleep to feel well. It's also hard to get 'quality' time in for the older sibling - I've been completely neglecting my elder two but there just isn't the time, but that's very normal as is the fact that now there are two there will be less time to give to your elder one. Maybe when you feed get him to sit next to you will a book and read it to him to just tak about the pictures. Suggest to oh that he does something 'fun' with him, maybe takes him out somewhere.
Dont' worry your son won't be affected by how you feel at the minute. I can remember my elder one only used to see me crying when in the depths on PNI and I used to worry how it iwll affect him but I think he's forgotten and certainly isn't scarred by that experience.
As for your oh, I think he's seeingthe whole situation as a man - your tired with feeding so he's finding a solution by getting formula, where as often we women want someone to put their arms round us give us a hug, tell us we are loved and make sympathetic noises. My oh is exactly the same. Maybe tellhim to you want to feel more loved and supported oh yeah and praise him for what he's doing as well? I know the last think you feel liek doing, but men are like children!!!
Sending you huge hugs
love
Monica
|
|
flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
|
Post by flobob on Nov 4, 2008 20:56:15 GMT
Just a quick note because I wanted to record that I've had a good day. Both children slept at lunchtime. So I did nothing. Well, washed up & some other domestic stuff but then just laid on the sofa and had a little sleep. Feeling a little bit guilty because had an easier day today and yesterday because my little boy is ill and so can't exhaust me. But trying not to feel too guilty.
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Nov 4, 2008 20:59:44 GMT
Hi Flobob
Sorry babes, missed your new diary! I think it is a good idea to start a new one for a whole new experience.
As for the breastfeeding, well I only managed it for two weeks. I was shattered with feeding every couple of hours and being in pain through it so I gave up and switched to formula. Best thing I did, from the first bottle she slept for hours and started to sleep pretty much through the night! I felt awful initially for not being able to persevere, but realised none of us were happy with how things were with the breastfeeding, and this way everyone was much more at peace...
Hows things been going the last couple of days? How have you been feeling??
WG xx
|
|
flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
|
Post by flobob on Nov 9, 2008 3:34:44 GMT
aaaarrrrrgggghhghghhgh. I think I'm going to explode. Husband is lying in bed snoring and it is making me feel sick.
Aside from that, I had a terrible night last night. Husband was out at a school reunion, stayed at his brother's house the night. So I was all alone with the two children.
Made me remember the worst of times when little boy was a baby and I was on my own with husband working away.
Funnily enough though I coped really well with the children. We had a generally lovely day with little boy behaving so nicely - not that he's normally a terror but he does try my patience at times.
But when they were both asleep I had a bath. But instead of being able to relax my thoughts were whizzing and difficult to control.
Of course there were fireworks going off. It was around 9pm, I guess. So before I knew it, I'd seen a firework hitting our house and setting it on fire, and me having to try to get out the house with 2 babies. It really set me off. I couldn't relax, which is what I really needed. So I put a load of precautions in place - left the bath water in the bath so that we could all get wet to protect us from the flames during our escape. Put a towel by the stairgate and the front door so I could open the handles even if they were hot, etc. Pathetic.
But of course nothing happened. It was such a relief in the morning to see the house still standing.
Wanted to tell husband about these spiralling thoughts. And beg him never to leave me on my own again at night. But when he came home on Saturday he didn't even ask me how my night had been. So I didn't bother telling him. He obviously doesn't care. If I tell him that is how I feel - that he doesn't care, he'll say, I should just speak up. But I can't. And I've told him before that I can't so could he make the effort and show he cares. But he doesn't.
Last night baby girl was awake so much and wanting to be held upright. That's what she likes - no lying down being cradled.
Tonight I asked husband to try to settle her after she'd fed just after midnight. Only asked him because he happened to come into the bedroom at that point. Wouldn't have had the energy for an argument otherwise. He does take baby girl and I get back into bed. Then I wake 10 mins later and find she's in the moses basket next to me making lots of noise - not crying exactly but not settling. Say this to husband. He makes a big issue of getting out of bed, putting on pyjamas, moving pillows, walking round the bed to get her again. Then once he has her after a bit I look at them and she's slipping out of his arms whilst he falls asleep and is being sick. That upsets me so I take her. Eventually she falls asleep and goes back in her moses basket at 1.35am and then wakes at 2.20am for more milk.
Husband's brother didn't go to school reunion because he'd been away for work all week so "wasn't fair" for him to go out. I was amazed when my husband told me this with no qualms because isn't that what he did to me? Not just this week, when technically he was home - but home every night after little boy had gone to bed so no help anyway and I was doing everything alone. But also last November he booked a weekend ski-ing for himself when I was ill with PNI and he was away working. So away all week, then away for the weekend ski-ing, then away working for another week. How come he can see it wouldn't be fair for his sister-in-law or any other woman but can't see how unfair it is for me?
Goodnight x
|
|
|
Post by cheshire on Nov 9, 2008 19:58:43 GMT
Just catching up again with your diary Flobob.
How are you feeling today ? xx
|
|
flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
|
Post by flobob on Nov 9, 2008 20:26:16 GMT
Feeling awful today.
Argued with husband again today.
I haven't used the diary to see patterns. But now I am thinking the pattern is my husband's lack of caring and lack of support. Whenever I feel let down by him my mood is low and it is hard to control my depressive thoughts.
Only thing I can think of to do about this is to ask him to leave. Because I have in the past asked him to help. But it isn't getting us anywhere.
Don't know how I'm going to do it. Or whether I'll have the courage even.
Don't know if it is even what I really want. When we're able to be together without arguing life is good. Don't think we'll ever get back the love we once had for each other. I resent his lack of support too much. He probably just hates me for being like this.
Baby girl - she feeds so much in the afternoons and evenings. Just when I'm at my worst. When all I want to do is sleep. And the most difficult part is that she doesn't settle well after a feed. That is when it would be wonderful if husband would take her, so that I could at least rest between feeds, but he won't/doesn't.
Enough moaning about husband! I need to do something about the situation instead of keep coming on here and moaning.
Little boy would be so upset. And I know husband would not even try to bond with little girl now if we split up. And little girl would grow up with a Daddy who only loved her brother. I'm crying at just the thought. Don't want to be with him "for the sake of the children", but don't want them to lose their Daddy.
Baby girl is in her moses basket - left her then whilst she was still semi-awake. Fingers crossed she's asleep now.
|
|
flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
|
Post by flobob on Nov 9, 2008 21:48:06 GMT
I didn't say anything - too tired and a coward. Can't keep blaming him. Realise I don't actually know what normal is. Maybe my thoughts are normal. Would like to pluck up the courage to ask someone, a mum who hasn't had PNI, if they've had similar thoughts. Realise too that there are at least 4 big things I haven't spoken to my husband about in the last few weeks. This is me cutting myself off. Got very stressed on Friday before my parents popped round for a couple of hours. That was how I felt about them last time too. Was more stressed on Saturday night around little boy's bedtime when husband was home than on Friday night when he wasn't. This is because his lack of help at that time just winds me up - if he's here he should help me, if he's not here then I know I have to cope alone and can do it, but why should I have to do it when he's here? Baby girl has just fallen to sleep. I'm going to bed too.
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Nov 10, 2008 8:47:28 GMT
Hi Hun
You seriously need to sit down and talk to your OH, you cannot continue letting this do your head in as it is...
I mean a proper, `lets sit down i need to talk to you seriously' sort of conversation so that he realises the severity of what you are telling him..
Did you get much sleep last night babes?? How are you feeling this morning??
WG xx
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Nov 11, 2008 16:43:58 GMT
Hey Flobob,
How have the last couple of days been for you? You ok?
Thinking of you x
WG xxx
|
|
flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
|
Post by flobob on Nov 11, 2008 22:42:40 GMT
Hello WG Thanks for your messages. Yesterday was exhausting. Baby girl was awake all day virtually with just very brief naps - like 5 minutes!!!! Just enough time for me to go to the toilet and wash my hands and walk downstairs and she'd be awake again. I was just exhausted. Today was better - she slept well.
I have also noticed that I'm cutting myself off from people. Haven't been out socially with my little boy for a fortnight. Not sure if this is a problem as am enjoying being at home with my children. But wonder ...
Haven't spoken properly to husband - or spoken to him at all really. When I'm low I just either shout, cause an argument or end up crying. None of those are any good. When I'm feeling fine I find it difficult to start the conversation as I basically don't want to go there.
Hopeful & Monica - didn't mean to ignore you before. Just caught up in myself. Hopeful, my little boy's nursery have told me that he's very empathic (told another boy to come play with him when others were picking on the boy - ahhh, and cuddles his friends before they have an afternoon nap - double ahhh). And he will cuddle me when I'm upset. So in that way I am pleased he is learning to care for other people, but he shouldn't really see his mummy like this so often.
|
|
flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
|
Post by flobob on Nov 14, 2008 5:57:58 GMT
Quite an emotional day yesterday. Went to a Mum & Baby group with my baby girl whilst little boy was at nursery. Realised whilst walking there that it was the first time I'd gone out anywhere (except to the shops) with just baby girl on her own. All other outings had been with little boy too for his benefit and she was just tagging along. Made me feel quite strange as if I'd been isolating myself, which I think I had, although in my head I had valid reasons why we didn't go out before but wondered if I'd just found those reasons to justify myself rather than them being genuine. Anyway I know the lady who runs the group and I nearly burst into tears the moment I walked in when she welcomed me there and asked a couple of "new baby" questions. Left baby with her and went off to the toilet so that I could compose myself. There were only a few mums and babies there and I did know one of lady already (friend of a friend) so it turned out really nice and it was good for me to be involved. I did actually talk to people and say what I was really thinking (we spoke about breastfeeding) which was good because when little boy was a baby I didn't speak to any other mums genuinely because I was already ashamed of my thoughts. In the afternoon I had the 8-week check with the Doctor. I didn't know I was feeling emotional but when I walked in and sat down I just couldn't speak and tears just came. I was 10 minutes late for the appointment, I'd been told 3.40pm but apparently it was booked as 3.30pm. So the Dr didn't have long to see me, but she asked me to go back next week. Did another depression questionnaire (different to the HV one), score was 11 which meant "mildly depressed". Just feel relieved that I've admitted my feelings. The email I sent to my husband did some good. We've now had proper conversations (with the TV switched off!!!) 2 nights in a row. He thinks that I am not depressed this time, although I've now told him I'm worried about it, because he says there is a marked difference in me. I'm glad he's now seeing that it was the depression causing those moods in me. He thinks that it is just tiredness that is bringing me down. Also he's understood that it is hormones because he said that it was obvious that following having a vaginal birth this time the hormones in me were helping whereas before I didn't have those hormones because I never went into labour but instead went straight to an emergency caesarean. Anyway, husband's contract finishes at end November and it is very unlikely that he'll get another one to start in December (hopefully one for January). So he'll be at home for a month. I've told him that I think it will help me if he's home and that I'd like it if we could share the childcare that month. Including playing with both children. My little boy was so awful yesterday. We got home from nursery at 5pm, and I spent the next 2 hours holding baby girl - firstly just comforting her and then 40 minutes feeding her. During the time I was feeding little boy was dreadful - throwing nappies round the room and he knew I was powerless to do anything to stop him. As soon as I put baby girl down at 7pm he improved his behaviour. Told husband that I need time with little boy and if he's home in December then he can have baby girl if she needs holding. Also in reverse I do need to have time with baby girl whilst she's awake. If husband does go back to work in January then baby will be 3months old by then and it might be slightly easier with the 2 of them. I am having difficulty with breastfeeding. But used nipple shields for the first time yesterday evening and it was so much better. Hadn't used them because tried with baby boy and they were a disaster. But with baby girl they forced her to open her mouth properly and there was just no pain whilst feeding. If we can crack the breastfeeding problems then it will make me feel so much better. At the baby group yesterday I was given a sheet about breastfeeding showing what benefits were given to the baby and mother for varying lengths of breastfeeding. It was supposed to make you feel good for achieving whatever you had done. But because I breastfed baby boy for 1 year, it just made me feel bad - little boy has less risk of heart disease as an adult, but little girl doesn't! The guilt! But I have realised now that what I need to be able to do is decide myself whether to stop breastfeeding or not and not be forced in to stopping by pain I am in or by husband. If I stop now because I feel it is the right thing to do then that in my head is fine but if I stop now because I'm in pain then that is giving up and makes me feel guilty for not persevering for my daughter's benefit. Just being able to talk to my husband has made me feel stronger. Planning to have a good day today! Going to wash my hair before children are awake and dress nicely and go to a playgroup with both children. Fingers crossed.
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Nov 14, 2008 10:59:36 GMT
Hey flobob
How great that you and hubby are talking like this! Think I need to take a leaf out of your book!
I gave up breastfeeding at 2 weeks, and have no regrets. It hurt, made me unhappy and tired, and the switch to bottle made us both happier and got more sleep! It was a difficult decision to make and I was very upset about it initially, until she slept 8 hours that first night on formula then all guilt vanished!!
Hope you have a nice time at playgroup today hun xx
WG x
|
|
flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
|
Post by flobob on Nov 17, 2008 9:29:21 GMT
Yep, it was a good start. Fell down yesterday because husband was in a grumpy mood and got angry and violent. Not at me - just throwing things! Honestly another kid. He then took little boy out to a play centre. But I'm stronger now and although his mood affected me I wasn't sobbing the whole time he was out. Previously I would have been worried sick for the safety of little boy whilst in the company of husband in that mood. (Normally of course I don't think husband is a danger to our children.)
In fact I was just angry and that did stop me achieving anything.
Breastfeeding is improving too.
I saw the Dr on Thursday for my 8-week check. Broke down a bit in front of her. Couldn't explain why. I think I was a bit exhausted and down about the breastfeeding. Got to the docs for a 3.40pm appointment to find the appointment on the auto-check-in system showing as 4pm (normally collect little boy from nursery at 4pm) so that stressed me. Then the dr came out to find me and told me my appointment was 3.30pm. So I was a bit annoyed over that because she then said that she only had until 4.10pm to see me and wouldn't have time to do the 8-week check thoroughly. I wasn't sobbing uncontrollably just had tears running down my face and no explanation.
Anyway, once I started crying Dr was very nice to me. I did another questionnaire and score was 11 = mildly depressed. She's asked me to go back to see her again this week.
Little boy is teething, I think. He's not well anyway. Poor lad - I've been telling him off for not eating.
|
|