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Post by monica on Nov 17, 2008 10:14:45 GMT
Hi
Glad you've managed to talkto your oh. Hoepfully, he'll take onboard what you've said and make an effort. So pleased you've opened up to dr - at least she's aware of how you feel and can keep a closer eye on you.
Life is hard with a new born baby. I'm learning that. I think I thought that it would be easier than it is. I also rarely go out as it's so hard! and I think everything takes on a different proportion when you're stuck at home, so it is good to get out the house.
Glad b/f is getting better. is it the sore nipples? I'm struggling a bit too, but things are getting better. My lo is also on 3 bottles of formula a day. He lost quite a bit of weight after being born as he couldn't latch on and I think I didn't know what to do at my end, so was advised to top him up and he's sort of got used to it. I wasn't partiucarly happy about this at first, but come tothe conclusion he's getting something from me. You've done well keeping b/f going for 8 weeks. That's given baby lots of antibodies etc and even if you were to give it up now, it's a huge boost.
Anyway, you look after yourself. PM me if you want a chat.
Love
Monica
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Nov 18, 2008 3:19:31 GMT
Hi Monica It is so hard to go out isn't it? I found this last time too. Barely left the house as the organisation to do so was just too much for me. Glad things are on the up for you re the b-f-ing. How are you doing otherwise?
Today with little boy not feeling well, I thought we might all go to Mothercare in big town 15 miles away. Normally I feel guilty for cooping him up in the car as he is so active. So I thought as he really could do with just sitting quietly today we'd drive over there. The baby monitor we bought doesn't work so I need to take it back and baby girl needs some winter clothes. Anyway little boy got up at 9.30am, we had breakfast together. Baby girl woke around 10.30am and I fed her. Before you knew it, it was midday and little boy was still in his pyjamas. So we didn't go. Had to go into town to collect a parcel from the sorting office - ha! Got there to find it was closed for lunch.
A friend popped round this afternoon. She said I looked stressed. Breastfeeding going wrong again. I'd bought some formula milk whilst in town today. I'd also expressed this morning. Friend gave baby girl her bottle - expressed milk first then some formula. Then she offered to take baby girl out in her pram so that little boy and I could have some time together and some lunch (3pm and we hadn't eaten lunch yet! Kind of OK as we had breakfast so late) - she walked her up to the local school to collect her son.
The whole time she was gone I felt terrible. I was on the point of texting my friend to check baby girl was OK when she got back.
I know my friend meant well. But now I feel so guilty for letting my little girl go out without me. I didn't leave my son until he was 6 months old, and my baby girl is only 8 weeks old and already I've let her go out of my sight. What does that say about how much I love her?
I've just breastfed baby again. And afterwards I just wanted to hold her and never let her go. She's asleep in her moses basket now.
I feel under pressure to stop breastfeeding. Two weeks ago I didn't want to and felt guilty. Now I feel better about stopping as feel it would be my decision rather than forced into stopping (due to pain and husband). But don't want to stop. Want to get through the pain. My HV is confusing me endlessly. I'm sure the latching on is wrong. HV says it is right. Told me to use breast shields for 48 hours to allow nipples time to heal, but not to use them for longer. Did that - healed nipples by end of 48 hours, Sat pm. Stopped using shields for Sat eve and Sunday then have blister (!!!!) on left nipple by Mon morning. Rang HV to say I need to see the b-f counsellor, and she doesn't say no but doesn't refer me, saying she can give this advice. So I told her what had happened and she said I could go on using shields and could top-up with formula. Thought about this since - she's just contradicting herself and annoying me. One minute I can't use shields for long the next she says I can use them for the rest of my time breastfeeding, however long that is. When I was b-f my baby boy I was told not to top-up with formula as it would affect my milk supply - and that makes sense to me. Anyway I did give formula today and already I feel as though milk supply isn't keeping up with demand.
Didn't tell husband this evening that I'd bought and given formula. Also didn't tell him that I'd let my friend take baby girl out. Didn't tell him about formula because didn't want to hear him say "I told you so". Didn't tell him about friend as thought he'd tell me off for neglecting our daughter. Once again I'm withdrawing and not communicating. He did ask me about my day today and I just couldn't bring myself to tell him about the parts I'd failed at.
I don't feel like I felt last time. Last time I didn't know I was depressed. Spent a long time in denial and really can't remember my feelings in those early weeks. This time I'm trying very hard to address my feelings. Don't think I'm as bad as last time, but feel compelled to come on here and write. Feel like I'm taking up people's time with my nonsense. So sorry for that. Don't mind if you don't read this diary.
Going back to bed now.
FloBob
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Post by winegirl on Nov 18, 2008 8:19:13 GMT
Hey Babes
Don't feel bad about letting your little girl go out without you for an hour! You need to do these things now you have more than one child and so much more on your plate! Its important that you take time out when you can, it does you and your LO some good..
As for the breast feeding, my opinion is not to keep forcing yourself into breastfeeding if you are not enjoying it. I went through the same thing with my LO and the best thing I did was stop and switch to formula. We were both so much happier, and I actually wanted to feed her instead of dreding it...
What are you planning to do today hun? Any thoughts on trying to get out again??
WG xx
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Post by monica on Nov 18, 2008 12:16:29 GMT
Hi
insist you want to see a b/f counsellor. NCT have a tel no to speak to a b'f counsellor ( I waited a while to get a call back) or there la leche league. Nos on internet. Sometimes a different person, someone who is an expert in these things, can give you tips. I had really sore nipples, real razor blade pain andit was excruciating. A fantastic midwife said it looked fine when I put baby on but it was stillhurting, so she helped me get even more nipple into the mouth and the pain went straight away. Saying that i still struggle to do it myself, but the pain is no way as bad as it was then. They say that if it's hurting it's probably due to positioning and as in my case a subtle change can make all the difference. The hv hasn't diagnosed the prob properly if you're still having probs.
Saying all that, if you do decide to go onto formula, don't feel guitly about it. You've done brilliantly and 2 mths b/f is a great start, but I do understand your frustration as it's annoying whenyou've done it before and want to do it again.
I know what you mean about getting out. It's 12pm and baby is not dressed and I've just had breakfast. Don't know whether we'll manage to get out thehouse. Try and accept it migh tbe hard to get out.i think the 3 mths is the magical stage when things get easier so you've only got a month to go.
It sounds to me as if you're doing a brilliant job. My older two are 9 and 4 so are largely self sufficient. It's so much harder with a toddler.
Your friend sounds great, taking out baby and you did the right thing by letting her go. A break will do you good and if there was something wrong your firend would callright away. Try not to compare what you do with her to what you did with your eldest. If you do something earlier it's not that you don't love her as much, so probably feel more confident this time round. You are adapting to diffent cirumumstances this time round and probably making these decisions as you feel better.
I've been out a bit more on mhy own this time and a,m even considering going to my work Xmas meal next week. As lo takes a bottle I could do it and I thnk the break would do me a good. I'm sure it'sll be a bit gut wrenchingbut it's only for a few hours and god know I could do with a laugh (bf still upsetting me - my eldest told me to F**k off last night!!!)
Love
Monica
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Post by sianyc on Nov 28, 2008 10:28:06 GMT
Hi Flobob
My first was bottlefed as she did this funny thing with her tongue that meant latching on was a nightmare. Still I didn't bottle feed until the breast feeding counsellor in hospital told me to cos C was so hungry. Guilt was eating me up and I felt guilty about outting her on a bottle for months and months. I even tried to feed her at home as much as possible so that I wouldn't have ato warm a bottle when we were out. I thought pepole would stare at me. This was without PNI too!!!!
Ironically enough, she's the one who has had the least illness out of my 2.
On the 2nd, I breastfed exclusively for 4 weeks and then started top up feeding on the advice of the HV. My milk supply started decreasing straightaway - I swear right from the first day of top uo feeding. On th plus side, it did then give me some time to spend away from the house and away form the kids. As much as you lvoe them and enjoy them, everyone needs a break - more so with 2 litle ones. Take all the help yoiu can get. Oh and send your friend to my house - she can take my 3 year old anytime!
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Dec 4, 2008 11:57:28 GMT
Just a quick note to let you know I'm OK (-ish!). Actually have loads to do, but giving myself a break and going to have a bath instead whilst baby sleeps (little boy at nursery).
B-F now going well now. Baby is sleeping much better too. Can't say the same for relationship with my husband - but that's another rant! And little boy is still finding things difficult.
Thanks for caring about me. FloBob x
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Post by cheshire on Dec 4, 2008 16:15:24 GMT
Glad to hear things are on the up
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Dec 18, 2008 14:05:54 GMT
oh, just feeling low today. Baby girl is sick and I'm so worried that she'll just waste away. Is that possible? I took her to the doctor this morning and he said as long as she's getting some milk then she'll be fine and to keep an eye in case she becomes dehydrated. I don't know what I want him to say or do, but it just doesn't feel enough for a tiny baby.
Also husband is now working in Leicester. He had the interview on Tuesday and started working there today. I just think it is too quick for me. I needed time to come to terms with him being away again. I feel a bit lost because I haven't even told anyone that he's working away. Seems a bit lame. Seems a bit unreal. Actually I say he's working in Leicester but actually he went to Kent this morning - it was too early in the morning to actually have a conversation so not entirely sure what's going on. Not sure how I'll cope with toddler and baby all the time.
Then just now I saw on BBC News website about the man who murdered Rachel Nickell - for some reason that murder has always been upsetting for me, I mean more so than a lot of news stories. Anyway my little boy is the age that Rachel's son was when she was murdered and I hate the thought of that poor boy losing his Mummy and seeing it happen. I just want to protect my son. He's at nursery today and I just want to run over there and give him a cuddle.
When I took my baby girl to the clinic a fortnight ago the HV raised the issue that her weight isn't increasing at the rate on the chart. I was going to go back today but I'm really nervous that she'll have lost weight as she is sick and that they'll criticise me. I'm not sure whether to go. I don't want to find out she's lost weight but also don't think I can get through Christmas without knowing for sure. And if she has lost weight they'll just tell me to top up with formula and yet she'll just be sick after that same as she is after breastmilk so it won't make any difference.
Just some days are lonely and I know I'm not depressed but just feeling very low. So thought I'd come here to write it all down.
Good thing: little boy dressed himself this morning! He was so proud. After each item he put on he said "I did it!" He even put on his socks. Making me smile.
Just rang my husband - he will be coming home tonight after all. Hurray! It might be that we're not getting on brilliantly, although it is definitely a lot better than it was, but being alone was upsetting me.
And I'm going to speak to my HV and ask to see her next week to have baby girl weighed instead of going to the clinic today. Hopefully baby girl will be over sickness by then and have a chance to gain a little weight.
It always helps me to write this stuff down. Helped me deal with it.
Baby girl is asleep so I'm going to have a lie down.
Still need to get to the supermarket at some point today!
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Post by winegirl on Dec 22, 2008 19:40:34 GMT
Hey Flobob
How is your baby girl doing?? My LO is not eating at the mo with a bug, and I have been freaking out about it - then my husband keeps reminding me that I am normally stressing about her over eating - paranoid mother ??
Seriously, I hope she is ok. My mother was telling me the other day about when I was a baby and I just wouldnt put any weight on. She used to come back from my weigh ins every week in tears as the midwife was telling her that she wasnt trying hard enough to feed me! Why instill the fear of god into someone like that!?
How did the last weigh in go??
WG x
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Jan 6, 2009 22:39:54 GMT
Hello WG Thanks for asking How is your little girl now? Is she eating better? At the weigh-in before Xmas (I went on the Monday before Xmas in the end not on the day I wrote in here) baby girl had put on just 2.5 oz in 2 weeks. So yes the HV did go on about topping up and I did get a bit vocal over that with her. It just winds me up! I get wound up because I went through this with my son whilst suffering from PNI and just think HV should be more careful what they say before worrying us mums. It is hard enough now whilst not suffering, and I get angry that they keep saying all this stuff in case they're saying it to someone who is not strong enough to deal with it at the moment. But I went to the clinic again today and baby has put on 1 pound in 2 weeks! I was very impressed! That just goes to show that previously it was low increase because both of us were unwell. But even with that increase the HV went on about my baby being in low part of the chart. Pah. Someone has to be down that bit or else it wouldn't be there. She did tell me to top up, with expressed breast milk this time rather than formula. So at least there's some consistency in the advice. Not sure whether to do that yet. I mean 1lb in 2 weeks is fantastic and if that continues then baby will be fine. Also, my baby girl is generally happy and is developing well. She is already rolling over at only 15 weeks old and is very strong. Lovely girl. I'm half inclined not to bother going back for any more weigh-ins and just trusting my instinct with baby girl. But I imagine I'll go into a panic at some stage if I do that. I'll see... My husband's new contract is still very unknown. He did 4 days before Xmas and started again yesterday. This week he's away until Thursday night. It is all a bit variable and I think in the end that will make me anxious as I like to know what's coming - will I be on my own or not? But I've had 2 very nice days with him away yesterday and today, er, what I mean is that the days were nice despite knowing I'd be on my own all evening and all night. So I'm just going to have to deal with life whether he's here or not and whether I know in advance or not. I'll pop back when I need to sound off again. cheers FloBob
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Post by winegirl on Jan 7, 2009 12:37:40 GMT
Hi Flobob
Sounds to me like your little girl is doing brilliantly!! Rolling over at 15 weeks?! Obviously she doesnt need a load of weight to get her going!
Sounds like she is putting weight on just fine. You cant win sometimes at these weigh ins. My LO was always in the top band of weight, but she looks so skinny! Its because she was such a tall baby (still is, she is 2 wearing 4 yr old clothes) but the hvs would always comment that she was in the 90th percentile. B******s to them. You know what is right for your child.
Hope you are ok with OH away with work?? If you need to come and chat, let off steam, whatever we will always be here.
Love
WG x
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Post by littlelotty on Jan 7, 2009 22:50:44 GMT
Hi Flobob
I too agree it sounds like your LO is doing well. Only you know if you want to keep going - see how it goes and if she keeps going on i would end up saying something!
Glad you are coping though hun and as WG said keep talking on here esp with OH away as that must be very hard for you.
Take care
littlelotty xx
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Post by monica on Jan 25, 2009 10:02:49 GMT
Hi
How ar eyou doing?
Love
Monica
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Mar 17, 2009 14:56:48 GMT
Having a bad time at the moment and am really low for a couple of weeks now. Feeling guilty over everything. I had a clear head over the weekend and was able to see what had been causing my problems. Need to write it in here but another bad day today and I can't think straight.
Breastfeeding is going wrong again, but I can see that is caused by stress. Whenever I get stressed I let baby feed wrongly and then I'm in pain. And I am so down on myself that I think I must deserve to be in pain.
Having a lot of anxiety over health. Keep thinking that I have breast cancer. Think I found a lump in my breast - kind of think it was down to milk but in my head scared about cancer. And then when I was lying down I could feel my ribs - which husband says is OK. Also have tiny lumps on my shin bone which are very weird and I'm scared. Scared because can't feel I can see the doctor about something so weird. And kind of don't want to see the doctor because I think it is just anxiety and I'll get classed as depressed again.
Little boy was 3 on 8 March and I think that might be triggering a lot. About how crap I was when pregnant and as a new mum to him. And I think I'm terrible now too. Baby girl doesn't get much attention from me and little boy gets shouted at too much.
I was stressed about going out to a family party. And stressed because the house is a tip. And because I have work to do that I just never get time. And because we've got things organised for the next so many weekends and I just can't see any time to myself forever. I'm always so tired. I need someone to talk to but don't have anyone.
Just rang my husband at work about this. He was kind of sympathetic. I hope he sees it as a cry for help, but don't think he will. I never phone him to tell him my problems.
Baby girl not having a good day today. She's crying a lot and not sleeping. She's bound to go to sleep just before little boy comes home from my parents, so I won't get any rest at all today.
Feel like I'm ruining my children's lives. So scared of dying. My little boy cries so much even if I'm just not around for a few hours. He cried himself to sleep last night because I couldn't get to the bedroom because I was downstairs feeding baby. I love him and am so sorry that I can't do better. I know he has to accept that I can't always be there when he wants me, but in the meantime I must have made him like this so it is my fault that I haven't helped him.
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Mar 17, 2009 17:28:23 GMT
oh, and one of my best friends is in the process of splitting up with her partner. It is really affecting me. Don't know how to help her.
And my baby girl will start nursery after Easter and that is upsetting me too.
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