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Post by winegirl on Mar 29, 2009 8:38:41 GMT
Hey you
Sorry only just caught back up with you. How are you feeling this weekend? Hope you had a bit of a bug that has passed and feeling a bit brighter now??
WG xx
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Apr 14, 2009 10:53:31 GMT
Rang the doctor today. Took me 45 minutes to get through, line was just engaged. Have an appt for 23 April. Have to keep smiling until then. Everything is a disaster. It is all my fault. I hate this illness. I am so angry with this illness. My children are everything to me and I am a dreadful mum. Keep crying.
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Post by caterina on Apr 14, 2009 23:02:44 GMT
Hi Flobob So glad you've got an appointment to see your GP, that's a huge step so well done you. I know it feels too much right now but try to keep positive. None of this is your fault, you are ill, just like if you had a broken bone or something..not your fault at all. You can beat this. You're a great mum, like you said your kids are everything to you and you obviously want to get well for them as you've taken the step to go to your GP. Just remember we're all here for you xx
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Post by monica on Apr 15, 2009 9:16:37 GMT
Hi
Well done on making the appt. You are not a bad mum - you are a great one. PNI is making you feel this way.
I have periods when I feel just like you - nothing goes right, I feel as if i can't do anything right and it's a vicious circle. do you still feel exhausted?
Sending you huge hugs
Love
Monica
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Apr 15, 2009 19:29:03 GMT
Thanks for your encouragement. I was feeling so bad because little boy was at my parents and I spent the morning - pacing the living room in anguish and distress whilst trying to ring the doctor (was carrying baby), washing up, putting the washing on, taking washing out to tumble dryer in garage, checking my work emails, all stuff like that and just not paying enough attention to my baby girl. Why couldn't I just be with her? She is so wonderful.
Today I went out to a meeting for work. OH was home with the children. Tomorrow baby girl has her first day at nursery. I feel so bad about that - she really looks for me when I leave the room and now I'm going to leave her with strangers for hours. And I feel I hardly know her, don't pay her enough attention and now she won't be here. And also feel guilty because I am actually looking forward to having a full day to get work done instead of trying to work when she's asleep for 2 hours in the day. I do love her but I also like working. But my baby comes first and my boy of course. I cancelled attending a meeting a couple of weeks ago as I wasn't sure she was well.
Like this evening, I am feeling quite calm. That is because I went out to work today. Bit of stress but calmed down when I got home again.
Baby girl crawled for the first time today and I missed it. But she did it again when I got home ;D
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Post by caterina on Apr 15, 2009 21:12:18 GMT
Hi flobob Aw she's crawling..lovely. Glad you've seen it and it made you grin Don't feel bad about wanting to work, I'm still on mat leave but have every intention of going back to work..I couldn't be a stay at home mummy all the time..I have the greatest respect for those who do stay home as being with your kids 24/7 is full time job with no overtime or holidays!! It's busier with a 2nd child, I've had to accept that my DS doesn't get the undivided attention my DD did but I have 2 kids now and they both need me so sometimes something has to give! Plus unfortunately the washing/ironing doesn't get done by magic fairies so we have to do a bit of domestic chores, (I do try to get away with the bare minimum though!!) Enjoy the time you get to spend with your wee ones, you're obviously devoted to them, they will always come first but sometimes you need some 'me' time. xx
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Post by winegirl on Apr 17, 2009 10:06:18 GMT
Hi Flobob
I remember going tback to work when my LO was 8 months old. I had barely had half an hour away form her since the moment she was born and I was in bits!! The run up to her starting nursery and the first week or so after I was a mess. I felt awful and knew she would be missing me...
However, i am the first person to say it is the BEST thing i ever did! She loves it at nursery and there is sooo much to keep her happy and entertained in the day, i would do it all over again! She is learning, having fun and making friends, and then at the end of the day comes home to mummy and we have the best time!
And the time we have when she is not at nursery is great, we really enjoy it together. Honestly, your LO will be fine and as soon as she is settled in you will be settled too.
It is good for you to have a job outside of being a mum, helps you remember who YOU are!!
How did she get on with her first day? And more imporantly, how did you get on??
Love
WG xx
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Apr 19, 2009 2:53:13 GMT
I just want to stop being me. Want to get away from myself. Can understand why OH doesn't care any more. It's the middle of the night. Have just fed baby girl. Can't get back to sleep. Can't stop crying.
OH is away on a course next week, goes Sunday night. And my best friend has gone on holiday. She's the only one I've told how I'm feeling, apart from husband, and I feel so alone already. She's only been gone 24 hours. Don't think I can get through the week without knowing she's there if I need her.
I am always so exhausted. We went out this morning. Just a 20 minute drive to a nice park. Play and walk at the park, stopped for a snack and fed baby. More playing and walking. Then drive home. I then had a sleep in the afternoon for 2 hours. Did me good but feel so pathetic that I can barely do anything without needing to sleep.
I'm OK re nursery, feel a bit sad because I feel I don't know her and now my time with her is less and maybe I'll never get to know her. I was OK in the morning but couldn't settle to any work in the afternoon. Baby girl was fine - only cried once and that was when she needed a sleep, cried for 6 minutes and then slept for 2.5 hours!
Actually have asked my parents to have baby girl on Tuesday next week when they have little boy. They were going to start the following week but I realised I'd probably need the help this week whilst OH is away so I asked them to have her a week early. I think that was a step forward for me - actually asking for help.
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Post by winegirl on Apr 19, 2009 8:13:42 GMT
Hi Flobob
Sorry you were up in the middle of the night feling so sad. I always remeber it was this time of the night i felt my lonliest, it is a strange hour.
You will do good this week, and as you are already recognising that you know you need to ask for help I think you will get the tools on board to get through it.
I am sorry your friend will not be around. Please come and offload here as much as you like, we are always listening xx
WG x
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Post by caterina on Apr 19, 2009 8:49:58 GMT
Hi Flobob Just echoing what WG was saying..we're here and will support you all the way. You're doing really well and those feelings will come with your youngest once you start to feel better. You're a great mummy, remember that. xx
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Apr 20, 2009 20:46:52 GMT
Cheers for your faith in me. But I am not doing well.
I screamed at my little boy tonight. After he'd had a bath I told him to go to his room - just nicely. But instead he went in my bedroom and started bouncing on the bed. I told him to go to his room to get his pyjamas on but he said No. So I picked him up and put him on the floor in his bedroom. Threw his pyjamas and nappy at him and told him to put them on. I left the room. Baby girl was in her cot (same bedroom) screaming because she was hungry. Came back in - he'd thrown pyjamas and nappy round the room. Who can blame him? That is exactly the example I'd set. Then he was under his bedcovers hiding. I got him out and that was when I completely lost it. I screamed "How angry do you want me to get? Do you want me to scream at you?" Oh God, he's only 3. What am I doing? I got him in his pyjamas and then calmed down. I cried (in front of him). But we gave each other a cuddle.
After I'd fed baby girl and put her in her cot asleep, little boy wanted a story. We normally have a story before baby's milk, so that was OK to do it afterwards. Then I laid on his bed with him for a while and then went downstairs. But he was calling very quietly for me, so I went up again. He was saying "I was crying about Mummy and Daddy." What have I done to him?
I want to get a tattoo on my hand "Do not shout any more" so it hurts to have it there and so I can see it constantly and remember it.
I know the theory is to walk away. But it is at the time when I just want him to get ready for bed or when I need him to use the potty or just when we're trying to go out and he's faffing about. And I always feel at the time that I can't walk away because it has to happen at that time. But I suppose it doesn't have to. It has got to be better if something happens late than for me to go mad at him like that.
Yep, will try again tomorrow to keep my cool. But both children are with my parents tomorrow whilst I work so I should be able to do that. A bit scared that little boy will tell my parents what I'm like. Bit scared too that he'll tell his nursery and that someone will come and take my children away. Do you think that is likely?
I expect people will say "he won't remember", but he has the most scarily brilliant memory I've ever known. Scary because he hears everything and remembers everything. He was telling my Dad a couple of weeks ago about "our other house which has a kitchen upstairs" - that is the flat that my OH rented when he was working in Poole. And he finished that job in May 2008, and we all were last there in Feb 2008. So little boy has remembered that place for over a year - and he was under 2 years old the last time we were there. So I'm sure he'll remember that Mummy is a nutcase. I'm sure he'll end up hating me. So want him to love me forever. Do you think I can make all these bad times up to him?
I did ask my parents for help this week. But I never told them that I had PNI last time. Slightly more inclined to tell them this time but don't honestly think they'd be any help to me. Which is dreadful because I'd want my children to tell me something like this in the future. But I told them that I had ante-natal depression - or told my Mum anyway, don't know if she told my Dad. The whole thing has barely been mentioned since. And then on the other hand, not telling them might have helped me. I do get on well with them (apart I suppose from confiding the Big Stuff) and when I saw them because they didn't know and I had to fake it, I was actually able to forget PNI myself and be my old self - the old self that they knew. I'd be in their company for a few hours and would completely forget that I hated the world outside and was scared. I don't think my parents would want to talk about the emotional stuff with me and they don't get the physical help stuff - like coming round and doing the washing or cleaning say. My Mum says things like "I'd do your washing but I don't know which buttons to press on the machine" or "I didn't put all that away because I didn't know where it went". So that just winds me up! Ungrateful cow that I am.
My Mum told me something that my Nan said the other day. Apparently they were out somewhere and Mum said something to another friend about my son being "so busy" because he hares about constantly. Nan said "we've made him like that". Mum told me. Mum was very annoyed with Nan for saying it. But I have, of course, always blamed myself for any problems with my son and never been able to take any credit for his good behaviour. So when I am alone what Nan said rings true and I feel I have failed him by not teaching him how to be calm when needed. So since then I've only phoned my Nan once - just to wish her Happy Easter and thank her for the children's presents. Even on that call she said something about my baby girl ... "she'll be a good girl, I like girls" - so does she mean that she doesn't like my son?
My friend has now left her partner. She has a rented place with her 2 children. That has completely messed with my head. Which is unfair as it is her life. I was putting off telling my son, but I did tell him today. Of course he doesn't understand really. I feel I'm not being supportive of her. Feel like she's not interested in me any more. Am actually feeling very sorry for her partner and children. Saw them all today. Think I'm handling it worse then any of them!
The middle of the night is the loneliest time. Hope baby girl sleeps through tonight because then I might too and won't be awake to feel lonely. Just typing that has caused her to wake up. It's ok, she didn't take much to settle back down.
I've been rambling tonight. Just wanted to write stuff down. But I do want your opinion, if anyone is reading this. What I said earlier about me losing control - should I tell the doctor when I see her on Thursday? I think she'll get someone to take my children away if I do, thinking that it is only a small step from losing control and shouting to abusing them. Please please please tell me what you think about this before Thursday morning.
Got to go now. Want to phone OH and then go to bed.
FloBob x
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Post by caterina on Apr 20, 2009 21:23:55 GMT
Hi Flobob You're not the first mummy to have lost it with her kids believe me. Whoever said we should just walk away has obviously never dealt with a kid who's being playing up for the whole day on just 2 hours sleep while trying to fit in home chores and work..my point is, don't be so hard on yourself. It's your call whether you tell your GP on Thurs about feeling angry but it might help with the diagnosis, no one's going to take your kids away..you're getting help and that's a positive thing. As for your nan's comment, try not to take it to heart..they're of a completely different generation where mum was to blame for everything and was expected to be wonderwoman. Your wee boy is 3..that's why he's not calm! My 3 year old is the same! Am I right in thinkin ghtat your wee girl is the same age as my youngest..8 months? I have no idea how you've managed this long with PNI again, you are doing really well despite thinking you're not! You're doing the right thing getting help chick, take heart that you'll see the GP soon and s/he will help you. I know what you mean about the middle of the night being a dark lonely time, keep posting if it's helping you and remember we're here and always listening xxx
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Apr 21, 2009 12:52:37 GMT
Have been working this morning. Feeling lost because baby girl is with my parents for the first time today.
Just tried to recconcile bank statement on accounting software and I'm £27 out. I can't see it. I know it is just waffle that I'm saying here. But it got me to a standstill.
Just rang my Mum to check on the children. And she was so blase that I'm feeling worse than ever.
I am feeling so lonely. Want my best friend to be at home but she's on holiday. Know that I'll collect the children later and will worry about my evening with them and then a lonely night.
Got tons of stuff to do this afternoon, including pay salaries - should have done that yesterday; pay PAYE - should have done that last week (will probably be locked up by Government at this rate); pay VAT; make important phone calls for a client and post out important paperwork to get there by the end of the week. Hell.
Just needed to vent. When I had PNI before I was at least able to be good at my job. Now I'm crap at that too. Makes me think I can never be good at anything.
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Apr 21, 2009 20:21:47 GMT
Thanks Caterina for telling me that the walking away bit isn't realistic. Has made me feel so much better. And I'll try not to be so hard on myself.
Did a thing yesterday - wrote down my whole day ... what I did. Turns out that I had 4 hours sleep during the night of Sunday/Monday and then didn't stop doing stuff until 8.30pm after getting up with baby at 6am. So a 14.5 hour day after 4 hours sleep. It has actually made me realise that I SHOULD be exhausted and again to stop being so hard on myself.
I think I'll tell the doctor that I'm becoming very angry very easily and see where the conversation goes. Managed to keep myself in check this afternoon/evening with little boy even though he blatantly ignored me when I spoke to him and then later on was stroppy over TV and over bedtime! Keep reminding myself of just letting it go. Hope to get out to a playgroup tomorrow morning. Think being out will do me good.
Baby girl slept through the night last night, fingers crossed for tonight. She didn't sleep much at my parents today - only 20 minutes - they were exhausted! And her feeding times were all up the wall, but she had a big feed around 7.30pm so I'm hoping that will help.
You're right Caterina, well almost, my baby girl is 7 months old. I'm not sure that I do have PNI this time. Sometimes I'm feeling OK or even good about myself. Wonder if this is just a bad time in my relationship with my husband and that is dragging up my resentment towards him because of his complete lack of support before and that is making me down. But other times just know everything in me is not right.
Also Caterina, I'm sorry I have not been around for you. I find it very difficult to read other people's stories at the moment and am not being supportive at all on here. Sorry to be taking all the time.
FloBob xx
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Post by monica on Apr 22, 2009 15:35:00 GMT
Hi
how are things today?How are you managing without your oh?
Please try not to be hard on yourself - you are a great and loving mum. You are only human however and exhaustion, lack of support makes us all incredibly ratty. I find I have a very short fuse when feeling like that and I do take it out on my kids sometimes. Usually they play up more when I'm feeling low too.
Your son is going through that phase when he is pushing boundaries all the time. If you are largely responsible for disciplining him as your oh his at work it's bound to drive you nuts, especially at the end of a long day for you. It's unlikely your son will remember you losingit with him and even (aned that's only a maybe) if he remembers all the good memories will far outweigh the odd bad one.
I dont' know whether you have pni or not however, if you're having a sustained bad period and feeling low and all theother pni symptoms for longer then maybe you have. Butyou ar doing all the right things by goin gto drs and getting support. My lo is 6 mths old and I feel I am teetering on the edge of pni. If all is ok, I'm getting on with bf, kids are well then I'm ok but if anything stresses me out that's it it feels as if I'm going downhill.
Take care
Monica
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