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Post by juppster on Nov 14, 2009 8:11:05 GMT
Hey Flobob
I think you've explained yourself very well and that most of us would be feeling exactly the same if our other halfs were away during the week...i know i certainly would and it is one of my biggest anxieties being on my own so i can totally relate.
But, as you say, he hasn't gone yet, and you don't know that you will feel like that. I tend to find that the worse i imagine im going to feel...the better i actually cope with the situation.
With regards to the playgroup thing...i was in exactly the same situation when Jack was little. He was walking quite early and most of the other babies were still crawling or lying there and the looks i used to get when he was tottering around getting precariously close to their babies were truely icy!!! But, the way i looked at it was that my little boy was clever enough to have figured out how to walk early and they were just envious!! The other thing i found was that he became quite bored there after that as the toys and activities were more geared to younger babies who weren't yet mobile so we didn't go that much after that until he was old enough to move up to the Toddler group.
I really hope things go well for you when hubby starts back to work...and as you say...its great that he now has a job. Do you have any friends or family around you that you can call on if you feel particularly anxious? i found this to be bit of a life saver.
Hugs to you xx
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Post by monica on Nov 14, 2009 17:34:56 GMT
Hi
I think your anxieties are perfectly normal - with your son you were in the same position in terms of oh working away and as you're at that same stage now with your little girl, you're worried you'll feel the same this time round.
However, try not to jump the gun. To me, you sound much much better emotionally this time round and as such will deal with being on yoru own mon-fri much better than before. I have no doubt it' ll be hard work and there will times when it will feel overwhelming but overall you don't appear to be as low as you were before.
Dont' forget too come on here if you need to vent!
Monica
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Nov 17, 2009 2:58:21 GMT
Hello Thank you for your words.
Today was husband's 1st day at new job. He went last night. Evenings and nights are the worst times, because without OH at home I let myself think about the day and find fault with myself and get worked up about how much of a terrible mum I am, then can't sleep through so much guilt. Hopeless, he's only been gone 2 nights.
Trying instead to occupy my evenings. Watching stuff on BBC iplayer etc and amazingly doing the ironing - dire need of that! Have lots of jobs to do in the evenings to keep me occupied and to stop me thinking. Do feel very sad that I have to do this as really I should relax. So going to also look for a yoga DVD and do that in evenings. Because I do manage not to think all evening when I do things, but when I stop these things I can't relax. On Sunday night I was up until midnight as I couldn't relax enough to sleep. And then tonight although I went to bed at 10pm-ish, little boy woke me around midnight and I have not been able to get back to sleep.
Anyway I have just thought that I need to think of this as my new job, same as husband has a new job, and give myself and children time to settle into it.
Should go back to bed. x
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Post by monica on Nov 17, 2009 6:39:46 GMT
Hi
Hey, it's early days only being day two - it'sbound to be stressful and when stressed the analysing starts.....you do sound positive and doing things tomake yourself feel more relaxed, so I'm sure when you get into a routine that's familiar things will seem better.
fingers crossed your night improved!
Monica
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Dec 1, 2009 14:24:38 GMT
Mostly this is going OK. I can do the normal day time stuff with the children. Keeping my evenings busy too.
Baby girl is teething and so I've had disrupted nights since last Wed or Thurs, I think. Last night was very bad. I was so tired this morning when little boy came into my bed that I actually thought he was my daughter. He didn't speak just crept in and I looked at him and thought "she's climbed out of her cot, how did she do that?" Even 5 minutes later when he said "Mummy" it took me a while to realise it was him and not my girl. So tired and upset that I can be so confused. After dropping children at my parents this morning I nearly pulled out of the side road into another car - just did not see it. Then the thought came into my head that I might die in the car on the way home and what would happen then.
But my main upset now is my son. He is getting so naughty and I don't know how to deal with him. I try so hard not to shout at him because I think my shouting is OTT. So we now have a reward chart (downloaded from Supernanny.com) and it is really good - just right for him it is of pirates and when the pirate gets to the ship, he gets to look in a "treasure chest" I made and see what the treasure is. He's excited about that but often the threat of the pirate moving backwards doesn't help him to behave. It's as if he knows that he'll get to the top eventually and so he's able to misbehave a few times and it's no matter for him.
I rang the HVs earlier today for some advice. Just waiting to hear back, may be today, may be tomorrow.
I feel really pathetic and low.
On Friday night OH felt that baby girl needed milk, but I knew she did not. She was not even crying, just wanted to be held, which exhausts me in the middle of the night. OH can't just hold her - he has to lie her in our bed, which means I cannot relax - then says he's going to get her some milk. The only way to stop him doing this is for me to get up to hold her whilst sitting in the rocking chair I have in the bedroom. Friday night I was up for 3 hours with baby. Managed to get her back in her cot around 3.30am. Then she woke at 6.30am. I asked OH to get up for her but he just said NO. So I got up. Tables turned on Saturday night/Sunday morning. I left him to deal with baby when she woke Saturday night and amazingly he didn't give her a bottle of milk. Then on Sunday he asked me to get up for baby when she woke but I said NO. But I got up 30 mins later anyway because I needed to check the recipe for Sunday lunch (because I was trying to make the weekend special as OH is away all week) and as usual I was awake anyway! But I didn't go to help him with baby, just checked the recipe and then came on the PC to do some work. I just don't want baby to return to waking in the night for milk. She hasn't done that since 9 months and I don't need her to do it again now. OH did that to me with our son when he was 18 months or so, giving him milk at weekends so that when he was away in the week I'd be up at nights dealing with milk feeds again.
Tonight little boy will be staying with my parents. I'm anxious about that. Miss him so much when he's not here. Last week was the first time he was away from me. He's never stayed with my parents before. I'm a little pleased we're doing it now because it probably needs to happen but also so anxious that he'll just be a horror or that he'll cry for me and I won't be there for him. It breaks my heart that I can't help him in all ways.
Enough waffle, I need to go down town then get to my parents to collect baby girl.
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Post by sianyc on Dec 2, 2009 16:22:32 GMT
I'm glad it's going ok for you and hope you're ok tonight when your little boy stays with your parents x
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Post by winegirl on Dec 4, 2009 11:18:46 GMT
Hi Mate
Sounds to me like you seriously need some rest! I think you feeling low will have had a massive contribution from the lack of sleep..
It is so awful when you are trying to instil a routine and regime and your OH goes against it. I had that problem too. You do right to not give her feeds if she doesnt need it.
I hope you week has improved and the nights have eased off a bit??
Thinking of you
WG x
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Jan 11, 2010 20:39:22 GMT
Feel like I shouldn't be here again, but don't know who else to talk to. Rang my best friend last Wed and feel like I can't bother her again. Even though last Wed it wasn't about how I was feeling low. Saying that has made me realise that actually I probably felt alright last week, so that has helped already.
That's why I'm here tonight to make myself feel better.
Feel like I'm a hopeless and bad mum and that I just can't cope. First off, I now hate Mondays. Today is the day that OH goes off to work for the week. We don't actually have any firm plans on a Monday - one of the days when we just see what we feel like doing. I'm not very good with firm plans to do the same thing every week. I did join a playgroup in Sept but never really felt comfortable there. So cancelled the last week before Xmas.
The things that have set me off today have been - my son, he just wouldn't eat his lunch or his tea today. In the end I took his tea away from him and he's gone to bed hungry. Yes, I know it's his own fault and I warned him, but still I feel guilty and a bad mum for this.
Then I heard examples recently of "brilliant" mums. One friend took her daughter to story-time at the library this morning and then to a soft-play centre this afternoon. We went to the library too. Little girl was running about all over the place. I don't seem to be able to stop her. In fact I've never seen her so crazy whilst we've been out before. We took ages to leave the library after story time because I couldn't get both children in to their coats - which just made me feel like a useless mum. Anyway, this friend who was managing to go out twice in one day - which I absolutely cannot do, ever! is 9 months pregnant. So how can she cope with 2 journeys when I can't?
Secondly got an email from a pregnant lady who told me she has SPD. Which I had with both pregnancies and she sounded so relaxed about it, when for me, the first time it was like the end of the world. It was the thing that finally made me seek help for ante-natal depression. So how can someone else just almost dismiss it when I couldn't cope.
Then got an email about a young mum whose husband has just died of a brain tumour, and they have a young baby girl who is just a few months old. This was my biggest fear whilst pregnant and for the first 6 months of baby boy - that my OH would die. And then the death fears transferred to my baby boy. So I feel stupid and guilty for even thinking it and not coping when this poor lady is actually going through it.
When I put little boy into his bed tonight he deliberately, with a grin on his face, woke up his sister. I was already exhausted and hoping just to do some yoga tonight and then go to bed. But instead I had to settle little girl again. And then deal with my son who had spent the time putting on about 10 pairs of pants!
My children are with my parents tomorrow so I feel guilty about that too.
I want to stop working. I am just exhausted all the time. Just want to spend my time in the bath or cleaning the house when the children are out, but instead I wear myself out by working the whole time.
Currently have a cold. Nothing too serious. And that makes me feel useless too. It's only a cold, for God's sake! Why can't I cope?
I knew if I came on here I'd write a lot. Just need to get it off my chest and out of my head.
Sorry I didn't reply before. Just didn't feel right. Always feel like I'm a fraud.
I've now got counselling via the NHS - hurray! It's a phone service. Had one session before Xmas and have another on Thursday this week.
I did hear back from the HV team before Xmas too. Got a visit from a nursery nurse. She was a great help with ideas on how to deal with son's behaviour. And on the most part his behaviour (and mine!) have improved. Scared that telling the nursery nurse and the counsellor my problems will mean they take my children away. Told the nursery nurse this and cried.
Sorry again for gabbling on.
FloBob x
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Post by monica on Jan 12, 2010 9:47:36 GMT
Hello
Firstly you are a brilliant mum! You are in a spiral of self doubt and belive me I know how that can feel; it seems that everyone manages brilliantly and it's just you that can't cope with seemingly simple things.
Looking after two kids on your own when oh is away is a huge task. you get no respite whatsoever and every second revolves around the children. I had my three on my own last week and if I'd manage to get on the computer my post would have sounded dreadful. I screamed at the youngest two for 2 days running (yes, that incl the one year old) to the point I had a sore throat. They were both playing up big time. I felt so down, stressed and a complete failure.
Make sure you get some me time (if possible of course). You need to recharge your batteries at some point during the week. It's an investment into your wellbeing.
You mentioned your son's behaviour. Could he be playing up as he knows you're feeling low? I definately see a pattern with my kids' behaviour - if I'm run down they play up.
Taking of libraries, you reminded me of my kids. All three go absolutely looney there especially between the ages of 1 1/2 - 4. I think it's all the space, the calm atmosphere, the books and chairs and there's a ramp which they love to run down. It isn't just your children that run riot - most do!
Nobody will take your kids away - you are a brilliant mum who is having a difficult time but it will pass.
Love
Monica
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Jan 13, 2010 20:42:45 GMT
Cheers Monica. Good to hear about other loony kids in libraries.
I've been crying again tonight. I love my children. I blame myself completely for son's bad behaviour. Can't reward myself for his good behaviour - in my head that is his doing and it is only the bad stuff that I have influenced.
Terrified that daughter will be like this in a couple of years too.
Thanks Monica for telling me that you've screamed at your two youngest last week. That has made me feel a little better - to know it is not just me that screams.
I was wrong about my counselling session this week. It was on Tuesday not Thursday! Good job she was ringing me! I've done really well on anger management and so this time we were talking about my stress levels and how to reduce them. As stress is caused by son's behaviour she suggested trying to let it wash over me. Tried today - failed. Don't think it is in my nature. Am not going to try again for now. Can't do that and anger management too.
Me time! Good idea. Lack of opportunity and when I am alone, like now, lack of energy. Want actually to get on and do yoga in evenings but it is beyond me at present. Maybe later.
Must go now - dinner will be burnt! This is good. I nearly gave up on having dinner but forced myself to put it in oven.
I've stopped crying and will try again tomorrow.
FloBob x
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Post by winegirl on Jan 14, 2010 18:18:05 GMT
HUge hugs to you hun ((())))
How has today been for you??
You are clearly a caring and fab mum from what I can see, and should be proud of how you manage! I only have the one and have been known on severeal occasions to flip and scream blue murder at her!
It really would be great if you could get some time for you. Any chance of arranging at least one night a week that is yours and soley yours to do what you like with no responsibilities??
Hope today has been better for you..
Big hugs (())
WG x
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Jan 14, 2010 22:15:46 GMT
Cheers WG. Thanks for saying these nice things to me.
I've spent the day very close to tears. Got little boy up at 10.30pm last night to use the potty (as I've had to do recently) and he asked for Daddy, didn't want me. Broke my heart. Was almost scared for him to get up this morning and reject me. But he gave me a hug when he got up. And then I left him alone to eat his breakfast whilst I changed baby girl's nappy, and when I got back he was sitting in the living room saying he had missed me. Awww.
Children were at nursery today so although busy working was not child-stressful, which is entirely different. It is easy to deal with work. Dealing with a child or children is just so unlike anything - they blow hot and cold, they are contrary, argumentative, fly off the handle at the drop of a hat ... I never knew it would be this difficult!
But also as part of my counselling I'm letting everything "wash over me" as I have to get on top of this anger and stress. So have recently been keeping a diary to record my successes. This morning started to write exactly what those successes were, i.e. did not shout when he blah blah blah ... and in 2 hours before nursery I had 4 of those recorded. Then after nursery from 4pm until bedtime there are probably another 10 times when I did not shout, scream, go mad. It is stupid, I suppose, but just being able to see myself that I am not shouting each time he misbehaves helps me to remember not to shout the next time too.
It was really only when I picked him up from nursery and he'd clearly missed me. I am, deep down, petrified that he'll stop loving me. That he'll grow up enough to know that what I'm like is dreadful and not normal and he'll hate me for it. I am desperate to improve myself before he gets old enough to realise all this.
I'm going to take one incident at a time and if I can ignore one of his tantrums I can ignore the next one too and if I can do a whole hour, then I'll do half a day, a whole day, a whole week. And maybe in future I'll only shout when it is actually necessary instead of all the time.
I'm going to speak to OH about having this Saturday for myself. Evenings are mine really, children are both in bed by 7.30pm. It's just I'm exhausted anyway. Can't be bothered to organise a baby sitter as I'd rather be home going to bed early.
I'm feeling so much better tonight. Hopefully I'll sleep better too. Had a dreadful night last night then baby girl got me up at 4.20am and I was just crying my eyes out through guilt, fear and exhaustion.
Cheers again, FloBob x
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Post by winegirl on Jan 15, 2010 9:34:36 GMT
Hi Hun
I hope you managed to get that restful night?
Children are interesting creatures, and like you say up and down constantly! But the way your son is behaving appears totally like every other child to me. For example, my daughter will sometimes shut me out of the living room saying `i dont want you I just want my daddy', then a couple of hours later will tell daddy to go away because `i just want my mummy'. They are so black and white depending on their mood and unable to understand emotions etc at that age, but this does not mean they ever stop loving us, its just a todler thing i think.
I hope you get this saturday to yourself, it is important you get your you time. You are doing great hun, dont believe any other.
Hope today is better for you. x
WG xx
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Post by monica on Jan 16, 2010 20:52:17 GMT
Hi
How ar eyou doing? Did you get a day to yourself? Hoep things are better for you.
Love
Monica
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Post by sianyc on Jan 17, 2010 14:42:59 GMT
Hey Flobob
Just wanted to say that you shouldn't feel like a fraud coming on here. It's what we're here for and we want to help :-)
I'm a screamer and like you try to follow the whole ignoring tantrums, dealing with them calmly etc. I used to torture myself with how I imagined my shouting was affecting the kids. The problem is they always know just when to try it on and it can take everything you've got not to start shouting. It is a great feeling when you manage it though isn't it?!
The time to yourself is vital I think. Not just the evenings when they're asleep anyway but when it's still daylight and time on your own seems like a proper treat x
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