Dreaded thoughts - My psychiatrist's reason

[nikki]

I was diagnosed with PNI back in June when my daughter was turning one. The start of it was when I was bathing my girl and had this horrible thought that I wanted to drown her. It scared the living daylights out of me and I cried for days. I became depressed, had panic attacks and was signed off from work. The dreaded thoughts kept returning, I couldn't look a knifes without thinking I was going to stab her. I also thought that I was going to become a paedophile and couldn't walk past schools without panicking and thinking I was an awful person.

I'd contemplating ending my life as I thought I'd rather do that than harm my child. Of course, I didn't do it and I never harmed my daughter once. I kept going back to the doctor unable to cope. She said that it was time that I was referred. The antidepressants were helping with my depression and I was able to go out again but the thoughts were still there. So yesterday I went to see a psychiatrist and it has helped me realise that I'm not mad and I just need a bit of help to overcome these thoughts.

He said that everyone has irrational thoughts for example, someone could be driving along and think that they could drive into an oncoming car but they wouldn't actually do it and the thought would disappear and never re-enter their thoughts. My problem is that I'm sensitive to the thought because of my anxiety and I then dwell on it and start worrying that I'm going to do it. I am unable to reassure myself that it's just an irrational thought and it stays in my brain. Apparently my brain then keeps coming back with these types of thoughts because I dwell on them. He told me that I need to recognise these thoughts by :
-knowing that they are just anxious thoughts
-I need to tell myself that I've never done anything to harm my little girl (even though I've had thousands of thoughts) and I know I never would.
- I have them because my little girl is so precious to me.

The last point is the biggest reason, she means the world to me and my biggest fear is that I would lose her and it would be down to me and I'm 100% sure this is why other mums get the thoughts. As for the paedophile thoughts, this is because I've always wanted to work with children and I'm then thinking the worst. At the end of the day I'm fighting myself to change and I'm determined to do it. It's gonna be hard and I've had the thoughts today but he said that I need to read an overcoming anxiety book and listen to a relaxation CD to help me too. If I have trouble then I will be referred to a psychotherapist to help with methods to control the thoughts.

He said that he knows that my little girl is not in danger and if I was going to do anything then I would have done it by now...my daughter is coming up to 17 months. It is a fight but I'm determined to come out the other side as my goal is to be better and try for baby number 2 next year. I'm sorry this is a long thread but I just hope that it helps other mums too.

x

[cheshire]

Hi Nikki,

A big welcome to PNI ORG UK.

I have known a story very similar to yours, a relative of mine. It started very much the same way as you describe here

I had thoughts that I would unwittingly harm my child too - I didn't feel in control of my actions, although obviously I was, as I never harmed him. I think as you say, my anxiety was presenting my brain with the 'worst case scenario'.


My problem is that I'm sensitive to the thought because of my anxiety and I then dwell on it and start worrying that I'm going to do it.

I think your psychiatrist has given you good exaplanations and advice - and am so glad that you are coming out of this dark period.

Thanks so much for sharing your story,

Hopefulx

[nikki]

I've went back to see my psychiatrist for my 2nd appointment last week and I'm feeling so much better. He explains things to me so well and I have to say that he is definately assisting in my recovery.

I am on anti depressants which are helping the depression side but he is helping me with the dreaded thoughts. I would recommend this route to everyone for the thoughts so that you find out that it is normal, that it actually means you are a fantastic mum and you begin to feel sane again. I'm not saying that I'm 100% better yet, but I'm feeling confident that I'll be able to see that light at the end of the tunnel.

The thoughts are just your worst fear. You love your child so much that there is a fear you will let them down and the worst way would be for you to hurt them so you can't let the thought disappear because it scares you so much. If you were going to hurt or sexually abuse then you would have done it, but you won't because you are not that type of person. With the help of others you can get through it. This site has been excellent and also a help in my ongoing recovery. I'd like to thank all the people who have put their experiences and feelings on the forum because it helps me realise I'm not alone.

x

[tabbysmum]

Hi Nikki

I've suffered from thoughts very similiar to yours for 15 months since my daughter was 1 week old. She is everything to me and it's heartbreaking that I can't shake them off. I had counselling for a few weeks and my counsellor like yours explained things and was very reassuring and most of the time I can sort of accept them as irrationial thoughts and nothing else (although still struggling with them), but several months on the fear that I'm really mentally ill and will act on them just wont leave me. I'm constantly scanning my thoughts for any sign that I'm becoming mentally unstable - although I know if I was I would neither know nor care. It's just such constant hard work.

Like you this site has been fantastic in helping me, don't know where I would have been without them all.

Love TM x

[littlelotty]

Hi Nikki

I am so glad the the psychiatrist is helping. I know how much of a weight lifted off when i knew that others felt like me and i was not alone. I am glad that he has made you feel a fantastic mum as you deserve to feel like that.

Let us know how it goes.

take care

littlelotty
xx

[nikki]

I think the other problem is that so much is going on at the moment with child abuse in the papers that I compare myself to them. For example I heard about the current Baby P case and was convinced that I was as bad as them but my psychiatrist reassured me that I was nothing like them and I now tell myself that I'm not. I now try to avaid papers and magazines as I think they don't help me.

I do tell people that I have PNI and I think people are quite shocked that I admit it but a shock in a good way as they tell me that it's good that I can admit it and it is amazing how many people admit they suffer from it or know someone who suffers from it. Definately not ashamed of it now.

[winegirl]

Hi Nikki

Telling people and being quite open about it is pretty good. I have been very open about my PNI and find that people can actually be really interested to hear about it too.

The Baby P case and others in the news have triggered most of us off the past couple of weeks, but we all know deep down that we are not them and have different battles to fight.

Your psychiatrist sounds prety good to me!!

WG x

[heidi]

Hi
I have just found this site and cant tell you what a relief it is to find and read this about "DREADED THOUGHTS"
I have a little boy who will be a year old in January and developed pnd fairly quickly after he was born. Although I am much better since i have been on medication I still often have horrible thoughts relating to knives. It frightens me and upsets me.I try not to focus on it but sometimes its really hard to just brush it away.
After reading your experiences with the psychiatrist it makes a lot more sense. I have never really told anyone about it for fear they would think I was bad and think I was mental. I love my little boy desperately and know I would never do anything to hurt him
I'm so so glad I have read this and found this site, it has made me realise that other people also experience these thoughts andthat its part of the illness.

[nikki]

Hi Heidi, I'm so glad that you have realised that you are not alone. The feeling is the most awful in the world and I have woken up again this morning with one of those horrible knife thoughts again. I hope they will eventually go away but I haven't had one for a few weeks so I must be improving as I used to have them everyday. It scares me, but I just have to remember what my psychiatrist told me.

xx

[winegirl]

Hi Heidi

Welcome to the site x

I am pleased you have found us and found this thread useful!! Please come back and talk to us anytime and we will be happy to share our experiences with you xx

Take Care

WG xx

[railway]

i have just posted on the 'thinking you will sexually abuse' page but i have just read this page too and am in tears.

i started off having thoughts that i would push my son in the harbour when he was a few months old, then one day a few months ago (he's now 15 months old) i picked up a scarf and thought what if just strangled him with this. then another day i saw myself twisting his neck. i haven't seen anybody else have these thoughts. i told my dr and mental health person about the harbour but not the other two and now i cannot stop thinking about twisting his neck, especially when i am stressed or tired. i am so distressed by this. i thought it was playing on my mind because i didn't let it out when i went for my meeting but i was too ashamed but now i am thinking even worse things (hence me writing on the abuse board) and i feel like killing myself for thinking these things. i am not taking any meds as i didn't want to and am due to see someone for my anxiety next week but i don't think i can tell them what i have been feeling for fear they will take my son away.
any advice would be gratefullly received, thanks x

[the rain has gone]

Wow - Thankyou or admitting to this part of PND - I can relate 100%, to everything you have said. But I just didnt have your courage because I was so ashamed. Your psychiatrist is 100% correct. Our mind plays on our worst fears....Thankyou so much for sharing. It makes the recovery so much easier. I have had anxiety for a long time. But through God's grace I have been able to overcome it. So when these thoughts came to me, in what seemed like out of the blue I was horrified - I adore my daughter - Each day gets a little better...Thanks. I like to think of what Jesus tells me in the bible: "I am with you always, even unto the end of the earth".

[railway]

Dear the rain has gone
can you let me know if you were replying to me or to the leader of the thread Nikki? would really appreciate it if you could let me know.
how did you get over it - did you take meds or have counselling? if you could get back to me that would be great, thanks a lot, railway

[the rain has gone]

Hello Railway I was replying to Nikki. I havent had any meds but I will be speaking to my GP about counselling - I think when you share and someone understands it just makes you feel that much better - Today hasnt been good - but I know I have had better days, this is just a bad one...My faith is my rock.

[nikki]

Hi railway, please don't feel ashamed about your thoughts, it's part of this awful illness and it will get better. I was diagnosed in June and was put on antidepressants which have helped me so much. I started seeing a psychiatrist in November, saw him again in December and have got another appt next week. I would definately recommend it as it makes you realise that you are not a bad person. I know I am a very anxious person and that definately did not help but I can honestly say that I am on the road to recovery and am even planning my next baby!!

My thoughts are with you, but don't give up as you will get better xxx