|
Post by railway on Feb 2, 2009 9:05:05 GMT
Hi Nikki thanks for your reply. i have posted on 'anybody else feel like this' in 'introduce yourself' as well and said i have just had a really good week as i haven't had any dreaded thoughts but this weekend my anxiety has started again. i have had anxiety in hte past and saw a psychotherapist which helped me but that was private and i now can't afford that. am due to see an occupational therapist on weds. i didn't think i would be able to tell him waht i had been thinking but i now think i will be able to as finding this website has really helped me. i really need help with my anxiety so am looking forward to going really! this is my first child and we were going to start trying for one at about this time but i want to sort myself out first if poss but am scared incase i feel like this next time too or worse but have to cross that bridge then i suppose thanks for your kind words xxx
|
|
nikki
New Member
Posts: 27
|
Post by nikki on Feb 3, 2009 13:52:49 GMT
Hi Railway,
I read your post in "introduce yourself" and we are very similar in our symptoms. You should tell your occupational therapist, I dreaded telling my gp and psychiatrist but they didn't even flinch and I was so shocked but the reason that they didn't flinch is that it is so so common and I now definately realise that after joining this site. I have been reading a book called overcoming anxiety which is helping me.
I too am worried that this may all happen again when we have a second child, but I should be able to recognise the symtoms earlier and understand why they are happening. I know I am in recovery as I've been able to have a bath with my little girl and she even slept with me last night and I didn't have one dreaded thought....they seem such simple things but were the biggest steps for me ever.
Let me know how you get on tomorrow, I'll be thinking of you.
xx
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Feb 3, 2009 14:40:56 GMT
Hi Railway
I just wanted to agree with Nikki that the occupational therapist will not be shocked by what you have to say and will have heard it all before. So dont worry, they are here to help you!
I hope the appointment goes ok and do let us know how you get on??
WG xx
|
|
|
Post by georgie on Feb 3, 2009 20:27:25 GMT
Hi everyone, Nikki, just wanted to thank you for posting your story. Just read it now & it has helped me. I suffer from sexual intrusive thoughts & they are truly awful. Am beginning to manage them more & realise they are irrational & stupid but when I can finally have a bath with my little girl then I will know I am getting much better. Really pleased that you're in recovery & doing well Take care, Love Georgie x
|
|
nikki
New Member
Posts: 27
|
Post by nikki on Feb 4, 2009 21:41:21 GMT
Hi Georgie,
I'm so glad that my experience has helped. I wouldn't have believed that I would be talking about my recovery when I first joined this site, but I am and you will too.
xx
|
|
|
Post by railway on Feb 23, 2009 8:09:32 GMT
Hi Nikki, Georgie, WG and all! Hope you are all doing okay and sorry i haven't posted for a while. Quite a bit has happened since i last posted and i wish now i had put bits on at a time instead of it all building up again. well i went to see the occupational therapist and left feeling it was an absolute waste of time. he didn't ask me how or what i was feeling at all. he just started going on about the fight or flight feeling and how cave men needed this to survive from the notes he was given he thought i had a general fear of something happening to my son in general and just went on for ages about why we have these fears. i started crying and said that wasn't it - it was that i thought i might hurt my son. he then went on (he was full of stories) about how someone he worked with came in one day after their child had been crying all night and said 'oh i could have killed them' but how everyone feels like that at some point. as you know this isn't what i meant either! i just feel that he didn't get me at all but really didn't try to as he didn't ask me what i was feeling or had thought! anyway he asked me at the end if i would rather see a woman and i said no he was fine (for some reason) but i think i had decided i wasn't going to go back cos whats the point? i was also feeling a bit better but i am due back today but can't go because i haven't arranged a sitter. i felt a bit let down to be honest. this week i have been feeling a bit down again. a couple of weeks ago my son drank a bit of nail polish remover and we went to A&E and had to stay over for observation (he was absolutely fine - running around the ward!). i am quite surprised i didn't have a panic attack actually and coped quite well. but the next night i was out and someone said that my son would go on the 'on risk' register now. i started to get upset and then she said that he would if he had to go to A&E again. this has really panicked me and made me even more nervous if he is on the settee or anything in case he falls off and hurt himself or something and i woudl be too scared to take him to hospital incase i got the blame. then my son got a chest infection and i took him the drs. the dr was looking at his hands and asking why they were so pink but warm. i said probably cos we had just come in from outside and it was cold and then hot. the next time we went up (chest infection didn't clear up) she looked at his wrists and asked what these marks were. i realised it was the elastic marks of his gloves. she then made me take his top off to listen to his chest (never had to remove clothes before). i am starting to get paranoid that she was checking him for marks or something and feel really upset. am i being paranoid? i just wish she would have been straight with me if she was. also the jade goody story has upset me. thats about it but i think because i haven't mentioned what the dr did to anybody it has been playing on my mind and i should have told you lovely ladies. sorry to woffle on - really should have come back sooner. please reassure me railway
|
|
nikki
New Member
Posts: 27
|
Post by nikki on Feb 23, 2009 14:31:53 GMT
Hi Railway!
It sounds like you have had to deal with some silly people. I would get re-referred to a different therapist if I was you as it doesn't sound like he understands and that is definately something that you don't need.
Don't worry about your trip to A&E and the doctors. Did you point out that the marks were the gloves? You know that you are not harming him and thats the main thing so ignore everyone else.
I can't see that he would be on the at risk register, I should think that would only happen if you were in A&E every week. And it shows that you are a good mum as you are taking him to the hospital and taking him to the doctors when he is unwell.
Please please don't worry about it xxx
|
|
|
Post by georgie on Feb 23, 2009 20:44:10 GMT
Hi Railway, Just want to re-assure you hun & to tell you that I really identify with what you say. This illness makes us feel paranoid & scared. I think because our thoughts are centred on our LO's so much & because they are so precious to us it makes us think & analyse too much. When my LO once had a cold & the dr checked her breathing, she asked me to remove her vest & I had a thought as to whether she was checking for marks etc but I think we feel like this because we are very anxious & because we are so sensitive to anything regarding our LO's. Try not to worry hun as I'm sure the dr didn't mean anything at all. I know PNI has given me an over active imagination & the tendency to think the worst of situations & I feel as though everyone is judging me as a mother. Also about the at risk register- they would be able to tell you are a good mum & know that accidents happen & that you are taking good care of LO by going to the hospital & doctors. I agree with what Nikki said about trying a different therapist. It doesn't sound as though he knows about this illness & you really need somebody who understands. I had 5 cbt sessions but didn't feel as though my counsellor really "got" me & I just felt as though she was giving me lip service from a manual. I found it hard to open up to her & as a result & gave up after 5 sessions. Hope you're feeling better tonight. Love Georgie x
|
|
|
Post by railway on Feb 28, 2009 13:00:35 GMT
Hi Nikki and Georgie x
Thanks as always for your reassurance. sorry not been back sooner but have been really busy and didn't want to post until i had got the courage to ring and request to see a woman therapist which i did yesterday but it was an answerphone so waiting for a phone call back on monday.
just think i have been gettin really stressed again and this makes me more anxious. when i told my hubby i had pni when i first posted he promised to help out more (he washed up once) but since then we have decided to sell our house and move to another town. the extension needs finishing and a bit of redecorating first so he has been working flat out til 10pm every night from work to get it done. he therefore spends no time with our LO and i have to do everything. i just need to realise that it is only short term - about four weeks and he has said we can buy a new build house (we have moved 4 times in 6 years doing houses up to sell so we have always lived in a building site) and he said we will then just live a normal life so to speak and he will spend time with us. i did tell the dr the marks were from the gloves as i realised straight away.
my mum had LO last night so we went out for tea and watched a dvd. she still hasn't brought him back so i am looking for a holiday for us to look forward to. i was feeling really guilty that i was looking forward to not having LO for the night but realise i do need a break sometimes so am trying to enjoy it. its weird feeling guilty that i haven't got him then when i have i feel like i can't do it.
how are you both feeling now? are the st johns working Georgie?
thanks again, speak soon, love ann x
|
|
|
Post by georgie on Feb 28, 2009 21:49:32 GMT
Hi Ann, Hope you're feeling OK tonight & you managed to book a nice holiday... It will be nice to have something to look forward to. Speaking of guilt, for me, it is a big part of PNI. I think as PNI sufferers we feel guilty over things that other non PNI ladies wouldn't think twice about. I feel guilty all the time! If I don't feel like playing with LO, or I feel bored or I raise my voice when she's naughty, well the guilt is terrible! I so wanted be super-mum & the fact that I'm not, combined with the thoughts, has dragged this illness on for what seems like ages. Unfortunately, not noticed any difference yet with the St Johns Wort. Might give up on them soon & head to the drs. Good luck with the lady therapist. Hope you get an appointment soon & it helps. Take care Love Georgie x
|
|
nikki
New Member
Posts: 27
|
Post by nikki on Mar 6, 2009 21:14:33 GMT
Hi Ann,
Sorry I haven't been on for a while, I've been suffering from terrible tooth ache and a cold. I have to admit that having teeth problems has totally taken my mind off of my PNI so it's really a blessing in disguise. I think it has shown me that I definately just need distraction at the mo. So maybe the answer is sweets, coke and cakes = tooth abscess/ache = mind off of PNI. Maybe I didn't need the physiciatrist after all !! ;D
Did you manage to book a holiday? As Georgie says, guilt is a part of PNI but I also think it is part of being a parent. Society is so bad these days with saying what is right and what is wrong but most of the people that tell us this have never had a child. Needing a break is nothing to feel guilty about, everyone needs a bit of "me" time.
I had another breakthrough today. I'm one of those people who like eating apples which are cut rather than biting into it so I was sitting next to my little girl with knife in hand and sharing my apple with her. Months ago I couldn't have even held a knife without worrying I was going to do something. Every little thing gets me closer to recovery. I'm hoping to come off the anti depressants next month so that will be the big thing for me but I do feel ready enough to give it a try.
It does get better xxx
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Mar 6, 2009 21:18:43 GMT
Hey Nikki
Oddly one thing I found, and that I know other ladies found with PNI, is that when there is something else up like a cold, or in your case toothache, it normally means you dont notice the PNI! Odd, but there was a point when I welcomed having a cold! LOL x
Glad you are doing better - definately a breakthrough for you there hun xx
WG xx
|
|
|
Post by Johanson on Mar 10, 2009 23:18:23 GMT
Nikki thankyou so much for this post.
I took meds for PND for 6 months and am generally feeling 'back to normal', however even now that my daughter is nearly 4, I still get out of the blue thoughts that it would be very easy to smother her, particularly when I look into her room when she's asleep. I then can't sleep at night going over and over in my head what would happen and thinking that i would want to die too.
If i'm honest, I had started to think that i was actually insane, the mere thought that i may harm her haunts me for days after i've had an 'episode'.
I have considered seeking Pyschiatric help, what has stopped me is the fear of admitting my thoughts and of having my daughter taken away from me.
Your post (and the many responses) has made me realise that i am not alone in this, and has given me at least some comfort and understanding of why this is happening to me.
Johanson x
|
|
nikki
New Member
Posts: 27
|
Post by nikki on Mar 11, 2009 14:07:02 GMT
Hi Johanson,
I'm glad that the post has helped. Don't feel scared to see a psychiastrist, you will be shocked to find out how common it is and I bet he/she will have seen plenty of women in the same situation. I now know that I will still have the thoughts in the future but this is because of the fear not the actual want to harm her. I know that I love her more than anything in the world and that is the reason I would never harm her and the reason i had these thoughts in the first place.
You are definately not alone.
xx
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Mar 11, 2009 20:56:48 GMT
Hi Johanson
Welcome to the site xx
I just wanted to reiterate what Nikki has said really that I can understand your fear of talking to a psychiatrist, but I can tell you that there is nothing you can say to them that will shock them or that they wont have heard before.
Please feel free to come back and talk here any time, we are always listening.
Take Care
WG xx
|
|