cherelle's diary

[cherelle]

hello all ive decided 2 take your advice & start a diary so heres hoping it helps p.s any help would be gratefully recieved,Anyway god where 2start? right 10th march 2006 i went into labour with my beautiful son had a herendous labour midwife kept saying i wasnt in labour & was gonna send me home well alot of crying n feeling like i couldnt cope later my partner who wasnt at the time cause we split up because we wernt seing each other cuz of us working not living 2gether etc we done everything the wrong way round,Anyway where was i oh yeahmy partner insisted on the nurse check 2see if i was in labour cuz i was seriously distressed at this point turns out i was 8cms dialated her face dropped! then wen i started pushing a little bit later she told me 2stop baby was distressed wich i did but but thought shes bin useless so far so why should i listen now? & i was in the birthing suite next to the hospital so i new the drs wouldn't get to me in time n then nxt door down 2surgery for a c-section so i pushed for my

[cherelle]

sons life n he came out fine thank god!! anyway i had a panic attack went into shock shaking cold etc threw up, n then after that as the midwife was stiching me up she asked what my job was as i was a carer at the time i told her she then went on to tell me how much better her job was than mine! bt i was 2tired 2care you knows how you are wen youve just given birth especially 1st time n your scared especially as i was just 19 at the time n very intimated by this much older ma'am like nurse well anyway i brought my son home n i thought i was doing a good job 'holding'it 2gethr but looking back i think who was i trying 2gethr kid he was such a bad baby n i feel bad saying it but he was up evry 45mins in the night n screamed all day n i couldnt walk off n leave him while i took a breather or my mum would scream at me as we lived with her well between about 8-16weeks he screamed none stop i had 2have him in the bed with me walk around the house with him in the sling take him in the bath 2the toilet etc i never go

[cherelle]

got a break n im ashamed to say by the end of the 16th week with none stop screaming wen he was at his very worst n no sleep i shook him very short & told him i hated him i hated him im so ashamed n believe me i live with this guilt i will never forgive myself bt please understand this was an act of desperation n not me all i do now is tell him how much i love him n i truely do with all my heart i'd die for him, i never thought PNI though just thought i was turning into my mum who was violent n told us all the time she hated us but then at 7mnths it was like something slapped me round the face 'ur not coping' i then struggled on for a month with terrible thoghts until i broke down in front of my partner n he persuaded me 2go 2the drs i didnt want to i just thought he'd say did u think being a parent would be easy etc

[cheshire]

Hi Cherelle,

Just catching up with your diary..do you mind me writing to you here?

Hopefulx

[winegirl]

Hi Cherelle

Just wanted you to know that we are following your story here hun x Well done for getting it out x

WG

[cherelle]

hiya ladies sorry i havent replied how rude i know anyway an update oh n thanx 4 the messages of support anyway lately i was having an ok day but the past few days i have just bin in despaire because im not functioning n the guilt that i am a bad mom and i should be doin better or more for my son if i love him the guilt is the worste the most horrendous like feeling that im never good enough that im inaddequet that he desserves better than i can give him n that i wouldnt ever kill myself because i love him sooo much but then i feel bad for not releasing him of a mother like me like he'd be better off without me but im to selfish and then more guilt about this, hes the only person i have never doubted truely loves me i didnt feel any love wen i was younger from my mom or other family members so when he came along i think i got completely over whelmed with it n not wanting to lose thst wich is where isuppose the harming him me thoughts come from im scared i'll lose thst love ive never had b4 anyway i gave in n started fluoxetine today took my 1st one and was hysterical i was sooo scared then after i did i started gaaging sorry but i think it was my mind tryin to stop me because of the fear i feel like ive give up on myself because i have no fight left so took the meds please reassure me i did the right thing because im pregnant and wasnt eating and smoking a lot i know i shouldnt but its my only vice anyway i thought that cant b good for baby so i thought meds was the lesser of to evils i feel guilty for my unborn child because it feels all i do so it had nothin but hurt and pain i hope this doesnt affect it long term see i am a bad person pills and smoking in pregnancey i feel if i cant get better for the love i have for my children i must not love them im sorry to allways be moaning but this has helped me a little so thank you for letting me share with you xxx

[littlelotty]

Hi Cherelle

Sending you big hugs hun.

Firstly just wanted to reassure you that taking anti-ds when pregnant is fine. Your doc wouldnt of prescribed them if they were going to harm the baby and many ladies on this site have taken anti-ds when pregnant so try not too worry too much.

I can understand the feelings you have around the love and guilt and feelings. I too had a very difficult childhood and did not feel loved by my mother and lots and lots of other issues and i think it all came back when i had my LO and that is when i struggled to bond with my LO. I want to be the perfect mother and i am so critical of myself but that makes you a good mum - if you didnt care or love him you wouldnt feel like this.

I think it may help to talk to someone about how you feel - are you getting any support from anyone at the moment?? Also have you mentioned to your midwife how you are feeling at the moment? - they may be able to help you.

please keep talking on here and take care

littlelotty
xx

[cherelle]

Hiya littlelotty i am trying to be the perfect mother and all im doing is telling myself what i should and shoulnt be doing and yes i have told my health visitor about this and i was suposed to be getting some support but really i think its just all up to me im am really trying now just to get on with the simple every day tasks as i wasnt functioning i wasnt doing anything just dwelling on my negative thoughts wich doesnt help so i am hoping distraction will help me just to force myself to get on and pay no nevermind to the thoughts and the accompanying anxiety because by trying to be the perfect mother im actually ending up making myself worse thinking i have to get better now and obsessing over it the thoughts of harming my son arent so strong now thankfully yet the ones of killing myself are wich are really scarey and distressing i just dont ever wanna have to go through this again and im csared of how i will cope after this 1's born if i dont straighten up n stop obsessing over myself and being better but thanx for your support xx take care xx

[littlelotty]

Hi Cherelle

I know how you feel - it did that for a year before i admitted i cant keep doing this without some help. Can you chase up your health visitor about the support as i think it will help you. I found that i got a lot of support from homestart and childrens centre and i still use these now and would struggle without them. I went on the confident parents confident kids course and it was the best thing i ever did as it made me feel like a better mother.

Try not to put too much pressure on you hun - it sounds like you are a fantastic mother and if you try and relax a bit you will hopefully enjoy it as well but i can so understand how you feel.

Take care hun

Littlelotty
xx

[cherelle]

heya im back after a long long time away i still struggling...the flouxetine i was on helped alot n didnt fix my panic attacks bt made them manageable n i mostly recoverd from my agoraphobia bt i came off them after 8 weeks becus i didnt want my child born addicted to them it was the worste thing i could of done cus i was ok then till my baby a girl born 13th of may on her due date weighin 7lb 11oz was born then i went dnwn hill n tried goin back on them wen she was 6mnths old bt they didnt wrk so i came off them n have been struggling ever since i just dnt kno wat to do anymore i dnt wanna b this agoraphobic half person forever n a yousless mom i wanna be free to do things with my babies

[butterfly]

hi there,
feeling like a bad mum is a feeling I have often. You are not alone in this horrible illness. Sometimes it is theraputic to write it all down and at the same time get some support back.
Take care - thinking of you
x

[juppster]

Hi Cherelle and welcome back
Im so sorry you are still struggling. I had this problem too of fluoxetine working for me the first time around and then not working the second time...very frustrating. But there are lots of other medications to try. Have you been back to your doctor to speak with them about how you are feeling. You don't have to suffer this alone, there is help out there. The other thing that may be worth enquiring about is some cbt for your agrophobia? Keep talking on here hun if its helping you but the best advice I could give you is go back and tell your gp exactly how you are feeling and try a different anti-d. You will get better but you need all the help and support you can get xx

[cherelle]

thank you so much for takin the time to talk to me,i did also try citalopram but taht had me climbing the walls,thankfully my agoraphobia through alot of hadwork on my own hasnt slippd back as far as it had been bt i ush myself all te time just to be able to do the simple things,i think it may hav alot to do with the things that hav happend since i had my daughter me and hr dad were going through a tough time so we wernt really getting on then i stopped talking to my mumdnt want her influence round my children so she constantly harrased ndthreatend me,and then in january of this yr i had a misscarriage on my birthda andmy older sister gave birth that day and my mum jus said i dnt care,ivew grandson to bother with that was conveniently born the same day yours died,..i cant forgive her for that,and well me and my partner still wernt getting on and i dont knut after 6yrs together he beat me up,...so i had him arrested and he went to court etc we split up but because we had been staying with his mum for a while she kicked me and the kids out so then we were made homeless me and two kids so then i had to stop with my friends but we couldnt stay ther forever and the councill arent doin anything for us so now im back with my partnerpurely cause ive got nowhere to go with two kds and i just dnt know how much more of this i can take it allways seems to be 1thing after anothr and im soo scared social services will take my childen away becuase i havnt got anywher to take them bt be with my ex even though i really dont want to be with him and with the fact i suffer pni i just think all this may le think i cant take care of my babies properly...

[cherelle]

ive just read that back sorry for all the errors bt my lappy doesnt seem to be able to keep up with the speed i type at

[juppster]

Hey Cherelle
You've had a really tough time..im so sorry to hear all that you have suffered. Practically I don't really know what to suggest other than talking to your local housing association to see if you can get housed? I really don't think the social services would take your children away from you just because you don't have anywhere to live...you sound like a lovely and caring mother who has had a lot of stuff to deal with. Have you thought about talking to your GP to see if they can point you in the right direction? Keep talking here hun, we are all listening and you are certainly not alone xx