Sarahjanes diary

[sarahjane]

I done all the wardrobes here too lol maybe i should get a job in b&q too lol ;D and leave my OH at home taking the womans role and being like a housewife! If he read this LOL ;D yeah well im going to just relax for the rest of the evening now my LO has settled well tonight despite being grumpy most of the day poor thing shes chewing everything and her cheeks are all red :(Well i let you know how tomorrow goes,were going to visit grandparents so should be nice ,take care x x

[sarahjane]

Hiya, well i been really busy today went to my nan & grandad today with my Oh &LO and after that we visited my friend which was ok,i just been feeling so depressed and emotional all day and when i was at my friends i felt so anxious i didnt feel like myself at all.Ive been putting a brave face on but a couple of times my eyes have filled with tears and somehow ive managed to contain myself and pretend nothings wrong with me.I get scared when im like this because i fear i will relapse and get really ill like i was in the first stages of my pni.Im really fighting but i just dont feel motivated at all sometimes i try to get through the days caring for my LO but inside im breaking down and full of anxiety.x x

[winegirl]

Hi Hun

Blip, blip, blip. Nasty as it is, that is what it is and does not mean you are heading back to square 1! I still have them very rarely myself but always know they will pass.

How have things been today? Any better??

WG xx

[sarahjane]

Hiya,well yesterday was feeling to low to do much:( i know its just a blip,the thoughts are still there but not as much.Today was a nice day my OH 's mum came to visit from manchester,she came with all my LO's late xmas presents.We only see her every couple months and everytime we do she brings us little gifts,shes so lovely and its nice for my LO to see her nanny.Now im just watching the rest of eastenders,feeling tired so hopefully i will be able to sleep well tonight.How are you WG?hope you've had a great day x x

[winegirl]

Glad today was better hun - and you have just reminded me that I missed Eastenders again! pants

Im not bad thanks mate, just my head rolling off my shoulders with arteries and veings and aortas and ventricles etc... Glass of wine will cure it!

Hope you get that good nights sleep tonight, one thing I found with PNI is that if I was tired it made my symptoms tons worse, so sleep as much as you can!!

WG x

[sarahjane]

Im not suprised your heads rolling of your shoulders! I dont even know the meaning of them words and if i found out i wouldnt remember LOL! Definately think you need a glass of wine or maybe a bottle lol x well eastenders was a good one tonight,there was some trouble with that night club owner jack,but repeat is tonight or sunday:) my pni always feels worse when im tired so gona have a early night.Hope you have a good day tomorrow,let you know how mine is.take care x x

[winegirl]

I think I saw the repeat! But it was at 9pm on BBC Northern Ireland... Jack caught janine (or however you spell her name) about to burn the club down? Is that the right one?

Hope you got that early night and feel a bit more refreshed for today?

WG x

[sianyc]

Hi sarahjane

Just wondering how you're doing and if the blip is coming to an end?

[sarahjane]

Hi WG,Sianyc my days be ok my blip is still there a bit but not as bad,my OH has taken LO for a walk to give me a break,ive just had a relaxing bath,painted my nails now im listening to music channel which was just what i needed although i still have the bad days i can honestly say i am going to beat this,the hardest thing for me is the guilt of the horrible thoughts i suffer with,i know it is the hardest thing for me but i know i love my little girl to much for them horrible thoughts to ever be real or mean anything i know they are intrusive and a part of pni,ocd. Also yes WG it was the one were jack caught jenine i cant spell her name either LOL ;D hope you's have had a great day! Thanks for giving me support x x x

[winegirl]

Awww mate you sound soooo positive! It is so great to hear! Im not typing much tonight as have had a few glasses of vino.. but just wanted to say how well you are doing and how proud I am of you!!

[sarahjane]

Hi WG Thanks so much for your kind words x x x Hope you had a great evening last night you deserve it xxx Well today im annoyed theres been a power cut in our area so there no electricity in our whole block of flats! So my LO cant even watch cbeebies and she loves in the night garden so were just sitting here in silence practically.This is the 2nd time there been a power cut this month!.Also because of all this i was late taking my meds and only did about 10mins ago.Il let you know how everything is later on. X x

[sarahjane]

Blip blip blip! Aaaaaaaaah! I feel so sick! My LO feel asleep on me for the past hour and half so i wrapped in her blanket and cuddled her,but suddenly my head got filled with awful,disgusting thoughts and what ifs to test my reaction! I kept trying to ignore but it wouldnt f***k off! im so so sad now i feel awful everytime i look at her!! I would NEVER EVER EVER hurt her but at time they feel so real! Its just my worst fears isnt it? Im a good mummy not some sicko! X x x

[beckah]

Hi Sarahjane

Hope you don't mind me posting, just read your last post. I too get the horrible intrusive thoughts, they are vile and for me probably the hardest thing to cope with. I don't get them much now but in the beginning they were from morning through to night and i still have sleep problems like you.

Anyway, no you are not a sicko, it is your worst fears. That's how i always think of it when i get the thoughts, and the fact that you are bothered by the thoughts means that you aren't a sicko and that you are a very good mummy.

xxxxx

[sarahjane]

Thanks beckah please come and talk here anytime.Its like when im in a state of anxiety im questioning everything and it make me so insecure.I had the same as you when i first became ill the disgusting thoughts were there from morning to night,i couldnt eat,sleep i was in a state of constant anxiety and depression.The thoughts were about everything and anything repulsive,not just sexual abuse but also thoughts of killing myself,suspecting my partner was hurting my LO,to the point i didnt like him changing her and i get thoughts about hurting him,he would never hurt her he loves her so much and such a good dad but even though i knew this it didnt stop the intrusive,involutary thoughts twisting my mind filling it with awful images and nightmares.I have improved so much too and this is just a blip. Please come and talk here anytime.We will get through this x x

[beckah]

Hi Sarahjane

I'm the same as you with the anxiety. I question everything, i worry about everything and i feel just so awful it makes me physically ill.

Keep talking, i feel so much better since starting a diary on this site, thanks to Cokey suggesting it! And good to see you are so positive, and that you know we will get through this. It's taken me a long time to realise it but you are right, we will!

xxxx