sarahjane
Full member
I will get through this for my baby girl who is 2years old and baby im expecting :)
Posts: 131
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Post by sarahjane on Oct 21, 2009 19:52:41 GMT
Hiya,i went to see my therapist last thursday i have to see her tomorrow too,she said that i have to confront my fears and fight them its scary. Ive been fighting the thoughts and telling myself they are not real and im not going to be scared of such a silly thought,but they just become more forceful.Is it normal for the thoughts to make you feal like your having urges or impulses to do something awful?the past few weeks i havent wanted to be left alone with lo for fear of acting on a disgusting thought!
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Post by winegirl on Oct 22, 2009 18:42:35 GMT
Hi Hun
Your therapist is right, you have to face these fears and the only way to do it as to spend all the time alone with LO whilst having these thoughts. Its REALLY hard, and really scary, but you will NOT act on your thoughts, and you will gradually desensitize yourself to them.
I am so sorry you are struggling. Here if you ever need an ear hun, you can do this xx
WG x
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sarahjane
Full member
I will get through this for my baby girl who is 2years old and baby im expecting :)
Posts: 131
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Post by sarahjane on Oct 22, 2009 22:58:19 GMT
Thanks chick dont know what i would do with out you all! I went to see my therapist again today i feel alot worse at the mo,she said that i may need more help and she wants to do a risk assessment on me with a psychiatrist she has made me feel scared i said to her i would take my own life before i hurt lo i asked her if she thinks im a risk she said no,she wants me to go in to a session next week with lo& oh to see how i am with them.She said i may need more help with meds.
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sarahjane
Full member
I will get through this for my baby girl who is 2years old and baby im expecting :)
Posts: 131
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Post by sarahjane on Oct 22, 2009 23:06:23 GMT
She is only like a councellor she isnt qualifed like a psychiatrist so i think she is a bit out of her depth. I hope she doesnt think im a sicko really low now had enough of this crap!x x
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Post by winegirl on Oct 23, 2009 19:25:05 GMT
Yeah, she wants you to have an assesment because she is not qualified to assess you! She is out of her depth and so will make sure you are assessed by someone who knows what they are doing. This is NO reflection on you, but on her. DO NOT WORRY. She is covering her own back.
You are being brave and strong and coping remarkably well, hold on to that - it is important that you realise what a strong lady you are xx
Here if you need to talk x
Love
WG xx
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sarahjane
Full member
I will get through this for my baby girl who is 2years old and baby im expecting :)
Posts: 131
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Post by sarahjane on Nov 10, 2009 23:57:32 GMT
Hiya still in the same low mood thoughts are constant i havent had a assessment yet because she has to go through my gp so im waiting for appointment. Im still seeing her once a week im just so tired with everything i hate these thoughts they are trying to bring me down! These awful thoughts feel real they play tricks on my body its like im montoring myself for inappropriate feelings im scared im a bad person or evil!
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Post by winegirl on Nov 14, 2009 8:17:30 GMT
Hi Hun
You are not bad or evil, just poorly at the moment. I know it gets you so down, but this will get better, you just have to take it one day at a time and see how you go. Any more news on the assessment hun??
WG x
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Nov 16, 2009 17:19:50 GMT
Hi hun
Just wanted to let you know i'm still here and thinking of you and you can text me any time xxxx
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Post by winegirl on Nov 16, 2009 21:25:56 GMT
How has the last week been for you hun??
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sarahjane
Full member
I will get through this for my baby girl who is 2years old and baby im expecting :)
Posts: 131
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Post by sarahjane on Sept 20, 2010 3:02:45 GMT
well im 24 weeks pregnant now,still taking meds not that i can say there helping much,ocd is so bad right now,thoughts wont go when im around my 2year old and fearing i will have the same problem when this babies born,infact i know i will have these sick thoughts because i still havent recovered from the first time round let alone having this baby im so depressed ive been crying for hours in bed,cant sleep,mind racing wondering how im going to cope with a toddler and a newborn with obsessive thoughts of harm coming to them both.Ive lost myself through this illness i need to find me again,i pray i be a good mum to them both and never be capable of acting on a thought i dont want to would rather be away from them or dead but at the same time to scared to leave them incase someone else could harm them.I have these ocd thoughts about myself and everyone its crazy im not in a good place mentally right now but the love for my daughter and my unborn i hope is enough to help me fight these thoughts\ Fears.
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butterfly
Private Board (R) Member
Posts: 1,432
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Post by butterfly on Sept 20, 2010 12:20:21 GMT
hi sarahjane I am sorry you are in a bad place right now. Remember the thoughts are just thoughts. It doesn't mean your act on them. Everyone has thoughts that are sometimes out of character and strange but it doesn't mean you'd ever do them. Maybe because your so low and in self destruct mode your subconsciously tortueing yourself with these thoughts. Like (on another level I know) on a bad day I will tell myself I am a bad mother the worst in the world - I have no control over those thoughts its just I am so depressed its like a sought of internal self harm. Well I could be talking crap, I am no expert.
You MUST talk to the HCP's about how you are feeling, be honest with them. I no how incredibly hard it is but you must and you will. YOu are a mum and your pull your superwoman strength out to do it. Being honest and open on here is a step in the right direction.
I am the same thinking I would kill myself befor I hurt my children, I would NEVER hurt my children. I have been suicidal many times and have now changed my thought pattern so I try to think if it all gets to much, I will not kill myself I will just hand my children over to social services. Killing myself wont help them.
I hope you feel a bit better this afternoon. Try and think of a few positive things if you can.
Sending armfulls of magic fairy dust to make you feel better... butterfly x
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sarahjane
Full member
I will get through this for my baby girl who is 2years old and baby im expecting :)
Posts: 131
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Post by sarahjane on Sept 20, 2010 15:26:18 GMT
Thanks for your kind words i love my daughter so much the thoughts of harm to her make me feel so sick i would NEVER hurt her,but it doesnt change the fact that when im having them they are so intense and frightening! ive had alot of ups and downs through this illness, im still fighting and will continue to do so....... as soon as this babies born ive been advised by consultant to up my meds straight away to help protect us. x
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Post by monica on Sept 20, 2010 16:51:07 GMT
Hello and welcome back
Huge congrats on your pregnancy. I am sorry you are suffering so much. The thoughts are that only - thoughts - someone described them to me as the mothering instinct going into overdrive to the point where you see danger from even yourself. However the fact you are in such despair over them shows you would never harm your child. If you were an abuser you wouldn't be worrying over that.
But it is incredibly distressing having these thoughts - they are all consuming.
If you don't mind me asking when did you last see your consultant or dr. Do they know the extent to which you are suffering. you must go back and see them to get support through this difficult time.
You know how wonderful the ladies are on here and there are a few who are also suffering during pregnancy.
sending you much love
Monica
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Post by Weeble on Sept 20, 2010 21:18:17 GMT
Hi SarahJane
I am having my third child this week, and had PNI that has not recovered since my second child was born. Thinking back 24 weeks or around that time was when I got bad again and needed more drugs to help me through. Things are better now and I am hopeful that third baby lucky I will not crash and burn, although everyone else seems to be not so sure!!!
Promise to write more soon, but have to go to bed
Kat
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sarahjane
Full member
I will get through this for my baby girl who is 2years old and baby im expecting :)
Posts: 131
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Post by sarahjane on Sept 21, 2010 2:10:18 GMT
Thanks monica i know its just the illness making me feel this way,i was seen by a consultant at my anti natal clinic about 4 weeks ago and im going back to see him on the 7th oct.My midwife booked me with him because she said he is very interested in women who suffer postpartm illnesses,he is monitoring me and is upping my meds as soon as the babies born,although he did say if my symptoms or thoughts worsen through the pregnancy to see my gp or him about increasing my meds.It has been worse lately but ive been reluctant to see my gp for an increase because i feel bad for the baby and am frightened the meds could harm her if im on a higher dose.... Kat i hope it all goes well for you,we have to fight this... what dose of meds are you taking? xx
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