Sammy and Caleb's Diary

[ingleby]

Hi,

Oh I had to get my BF to come in the car, which also meant dragging LO out and them waiting in the car for me whilst in the meeting for an hour and an half!!! I feel so guilty especially as LO has an ear infection but he was fine sleeping and then talking in the back (BF had the heating and radio on for him). My BF is good though waiting in the car for that long just cos I'm a nutter who can't drive without going all crazy!!! Also put petrol in the car for the first time!!! Only needed him to come with me once though, can do it by myself next time.

I'll try and ring the CPN tomorrow. We've got a busy day though but the HV is coming round so I will speak to her about it. She is pretty good at chasing people up for me!!! Got a volunteer from Homestart coming round at 10am. Had a right going on with them so will see how it goes this time. They originally sorted out a volunteer coming round who had counselling training, same as me and had also had a traumatic birth, so they thought we would get on. We really did, but then her car broke and she only lives in the next town over and didn't want to get the bus so she didn't come round again. Then they were sup to be sorting out me having another volunteer but she ended up having to go into hospital and couldn't start for 3 months!!! In the end I just complained to my HV and she must have rang them and now have a new volunteer coming round tomorrow who has a little girl who is 12 months. Thought it would be sweet as LO has started been kinda interested in other babies so will be a little friend for him to play with.
Made my BF hoover though for them coming round. I get so bloody paranoid about people coming round. I usually fall out with BF about it when he invites people round then doesn't tell me until their just about to walk through the door. I don't know if this is part of PNI but I really hate people coming round . I honestly think they will think we live in a shit hole when it isn't even that bad at all!!! I clean the house every week and we hoover twice a week (well have this week!!!). It really puts me on edge knowing people are coming round. Not just health professionals or volunteers, even family and friends. I hated it after the birth and I was so ill but I still made sure I cleaned the house when people were coming round (which is all the time when you have a cute baby for them to coo over)!!! And when they do come round I spend half the time apologising about how messy the place is!!!

Thanks Winegirl. I do beat myself up about taking anything cos I'm breastfeeding. It really limits you though. Whenever I'm on antibiotics (which is most of the time!!!) LO always gets ill and I feel guilty!! He gets really sickly which is awful for him as it is painful he really cries!!! He use to get really bad reflux, it was so frustrating every time I fed him it would all come back up again across the room!!! I was just constantly feeding him. One mum at the group other day said to me oh you make breastfeeding look so easy, I couldn't cope with it! I said it only looks like it is easy cos we have been doing it for 7 months and we still have issues with teeth at the moment!!! I've had so many problems but I was lucky I got referred to a breastfeeding counsellor and she was lovely. I go to a breastfeeding support group every week which I helped to set up just cos there was no support in this area. Going off on a slight tangent there but do feel really strongly about breastfeeding. Only cos I had problems when I was pregnant with my breasts bleeding. Had to go to the breast clinic and I was so scared that I had cancer (stupid internet) and that they were going to make me get rid of LO. I really wanted my BF to come in with me but he forgot car parking money and had to mess about parking the car so I had to go in alone and I don't think I'll ever forgive him for doing that. It was horrible. Was a male doctor, a female student doctor and two nurses in the room all looking at me. The male doctor was just talking to the student doctor not to me. They obviously don't see many pregnant women then he squeezed my breasts to make them bled, like he didn't believe me or something and said it was hormones!!! He said I might have problems with breastfeeding as the blood could get into the milk. When they all left the room I felt so degraded, ha that was nothing compared to the birth!!!! I was so scared and in my head I just kept talking to LO saying we were there for each other and I would go through whatever I had to for him!!! I know that probably sounds stupid but the fact that it's just the two of us against the world is the only thing that keeps me going sometimes!!!

I'm drinking the wine again. Is the only way I get some decent amount of sleep so am carrying on with it!!! To be fair only takes one large glass and am half cut!!! Use to take about two bottles!!! The room was spinning when went to bed last night but then my head is normally spinning with random horrible thoughts so I would rather it was spinning with wine!!!

So negative thoughts today:

LO was wanting to be up at bloody 7am, no way!!! I hate getting up early plus don't go to bed till late. So I left him playing happily on the bed while I fell back to sleep then woke up and he was eating tissues and a breast pad sigh!!!
So when it came to eating his breakfast he wasn't hungry!!!

He was a nightmare at pilates!!! Wanted picking up the whole time. Had to leave him crying some of the time otherwise is no point me going cos don't get to do any of the exercises!!! He is always the first one to cry and starts the other babies going!!! The other mums were like is he teething. I was like no must be cos he's got an ear infection but he has always been like that since birth. He always wants me, and me only. That first night at the hospital after the birth, he was screaming all night and I had to sing to him and cuddle him to calm him down. I'd had no sleep for over 48 hours and still found the energy to comfort him. I don't know where from. He kept disturbing the other babies and the other mums on the ward were complaining and I just wanted to go home!!! I still love him more than anything though. I was talking to a mum at group other day and she said she really didn't bond with her baby at all cos she found it so difficult. I can't really relate to that, my LO is my life. I think I'm too the other way. I get so obsessed with whether he is ok and hate leaving him with anyone.
Think I've gone off the subject again!!!
Negative thought today:
After pilates was in pain so thought better try and rest. LO was having his nap till about 2.30pm then had his dinner. Normally we go out for a walk in the afternoon but I had to think about the fact I was driving later and trying to not over do it. Well LO doesn't like staying in so he was playing up all afternoon. I just was having thoughts about why does he have to be this way? Other people's babies don't seem like this. He's always has to be the first one to cry. So ended up playing with him on the floor with his toys which isn't resting!!!
Of course when BF got back he was all smiles daddy daddy he will play with me!!!! Of course got all worked up with my driving again. Can't get the bloody gears to go in now!!! Is basic driving so why can't I do it? The more I think self-hatred thoughts about myself the worse my driving becomes. It's like a vicious cycle!! Parked OK though so that was good.
At meeting just kept thinking what am I doing here? I don't have anything worth listening to,to say. The others were laughing about jokes and I just don't feel anything, I pretend to laugh. I just think they are looking at me and thinking bad thoughts. I feel stupid cos they were behind me walking up and down the stairs and I'm sup to take it one step at a time but I don't when people are there and I have to walk really slowly. I feel like an invalid so just carrying on and make the pain worse instead of having the humiliation of people knowing I can't even do simple things like walking up the stairs!! I put myself forward for training new volunteers. I just kept spacing out and not been with it and I just don't connect to what is going on most of the time. I can't concentrate on what people are saying. Then I told them about some free training courses I had put myself on but it turned out that the service providing the courses has a bad reputation so felt shit after that. I'm still going on the courses though and another trustee is too so means I can get a lift and not have to drive hurray!!!
BF tried to listen to my troubles I think even though he is knackered bless him!!! Just don't think he gets it at all!!! Least he tries though. He said he doesn't understand why I bother about what other people think and do all the time with driving and just when out and about. I don't understand it either!!!
Did have some good thing happen today which wanted to post about. Even though I didn't get the job which I can't really do at the minute anyway. I emailed and got some feedback this was the reply:

Samantha,

Thank you for coming for the PSA post last week.

We had 60 applications for the post and out of these only interviewed 6.
We short listed only the very best and those with appropriate
experience.

On the day you came across nicely and interviewed very well.
Unfortunately another candidate performed slightly better on the day and
we offered her the post.

You did very well and I am sorry we were unable to offer you a post. I
would encourage you to keep trying for other vacant posts

I was well chuffed with it!!! So think there is hope for me getting a job as and when I'm physically up to it!!! I'm going for the whole if in a bad situation what can I use to my advantage approach again!!!

So I guess I've had enough wine now and writing things down to be able to go get a shower and try and get some sleep now.

[sianyc]

That's a lovely letter to get. They must really have thought a lot of you in interview

[ingleby]

Am really wound up tonight. Don't know where it's come from really!!! Been getting myself in a state about the birth and forceps again.

Had Homestart come round this morning and I like my new volunteer. She has a LO who is a year old and it is sweet for my LO to have a friend to play with.
The health visitor came round after and I think she was winding me up a bit. She was asking about what had happened this week and said LO sleeps in his cot now, about sorting out getting sick pay at work and about the positive feedback from my interview. I do like her, but I just find her patronising sometimes. She talks to me like I'm a child, oh that's really well done and you said you were having a bad week!!! I know what she is trying to do find positive things that I have achieved instead of me always focusing on the negative things. But I am capable of doing things, just cos I struggle to go out the front door some days doesn't mean I'm brain dead (although feel like it sometimes). Then she said oh you seem a bright, intelligent woman not like most of the people I speak too!!! I thought is that a compliment or not.
I think the trouble is I am on both sides of the fence at the minute. I counsel people on a helpline and need counselling myself. It's really difficult sometimes!!! The counsellor I saw for birth trauma said that people who work in counselling often find it difficult when they need help themselves. I think especially with coming from a scientific, psychological perspective where you have to be objective. I find it difficult to relate what they are trying to do to myself as I am so use to using the techniques with other people and having to remain objective. Maybe knowing too much about the process gets in the way of receiving the treatment!!! I don't know!!! Ha it was funny cos the services the counsellor was trying to get me to self-refer too were ones I have either worked at or currently work at!!

I'm having a night off from the wine and trying horlicks instead. The health visitor suggested camomile tea but I can't stand the stuff. Plus had some horlicks left over from when I was pregnant and used it to try and sleep, didn't work then!!!

Went to 'me time' which is the only group they offer to women with PND in my small town. They had an artist come in today and although I do think she has done a good picture of me, I don't know what to do with it. I hate pictures of myself and if it had been a picture of LO which I would have preferred, then I would frame it and put it on the wall. Instead I have hidden it behind a mirror so don't have to look at it!!! Don't know why it is a nice picture just don't wanna look at myself at the moment. I think what people see on the outside isn't really me at the moment. It's that mask of PND again I think, it's all an act for people. Like when people ask if I'm ok and I mostly always lie. Most of the time I just don't bother even answering people anymore. I've really started to withdraw from the groups conversations. I just don't see the point in talking. I go to the groups to get out of the house but I don't engage in what is happening. I use to be a really social able, chatty type of person now I just wanna get away from people and hide at home. But when are at home just want to get out cos feel like going mad!!! Can't win either way!!!
I hate leaving LO at the crèche when it's me time group. I get a real sick feeling when I go and get him and he is happy with someone else holding him. He can't win!!! If he plays up I would complain and if he's good I don't like it. I always say to the crèche workers come and get me if he starts crying then feel disappointed when they don't have to come get me!!! Don't know what is going on there!!!
LO fell off the bed this morning!!!! I'm just so tired and when he wakes up for his early morning feed I normally bring him in the bed and then we go back to sleep. Well he wakes up before me sometimes and now he is crawling. I put pillows in the way thinking they would stop him which they do normally but he managed to move them out of the way. Then there was a crash and screaming and he was trapped between the bed and the wall. Luckily there was a cardboard box sticking out which broke his fall. Maybe I should stop drinking the wine I mean I can sleep when drink but think it makes me a more heavy sleeper and so I don't always wake up on a morning. Although LO doesn't always cry he is happy playing on the bed, normally eating tissues!!! My BF said we will have to put him back in his cot after I've fed him but that's the only time I get with him now as he is in his cot all night!!! I know that sounds stupid as I am with him all day!!!
Plus my health visitor said when asked her about going on some medication that the GP's in my town are really not keen on giving medication to breastfeeding mothers. She said she doesn't think they will let me have anything unless I give up feeding LO. I'm not doing that after all we have gone through to be able to breastfed. I'm not giving it up until we feel really too. So I guess that means I just have to carry on as I am now. It's so unfair I feel like I'm been punished because I'm breastfeeding!! It's the same with all medication I currently take. I suffer from an anal fissure which I have had since the birth and you aren't allow to use the treatment when breastfeeding so I just have to suffer with it. It's so painful sometimes but I'm not giving up feeding. Eventually the GP gave me some ointment as I have been bleeding with it for ages, but it makes me really dizzy and I have to put it on like four hours before gonna feed LO. Which was difficult when he was feeding every two hours!!! Then when he got bad reflux the GP said I should consider giving up breastfeeding cos I couldn't get LO to take the medicine as normally you would put it in a bottle,but he won't take the bottle!!! It turned out I just needed to change my diet which has meant giving up all dairy products, certain vegetables and random things which I have found cause LO to have a reaction. Then another mum said to me today you make breastfeeding look so easy I gave up after a day!!! I said we had really serious problems for the first four months and other problems till six months until he started on solids. It annoys me how people assume I've had it easy with breastfeeding just because I choose to carry on even though it was really difficult. On a right rant tonight!!!
I am going to start going to a support group that is run for women with PND. It is in the other city that we live between, not the one where I normally travel too. I emailed them and they said they can help me with the anxiety stuff which I really do need help with! I tried ringing my CPN about getting some CBT but she is off sick and with the option of medication been taken away don't see what else I can do!!
I don't understand cos the GP said to me about putting me on some medication but the HV said they won't consider it with me feeding. I'm gonna ask the GP myself tomorrow anyway.
I feel really exhausted but bet if go upstairs won't be able to sleep. No wine = no sleep! Got too much going round in my head. Just feel like no one is taking me seriously. They keep promising to contact me and let me know that they are doing something to help me then I don't hear back from them. The GP is going on holiday so I won't be seeing her for two weeks. HV coming round again in two weeks.

Anyway negative thoughts today:

Just finding it so difficult to wake up on a morning. Of course felt really guilty about LO falling of the bed. Just me been a crap mum again and a failure. If I wasn't suffering then would be able to get some sleep and would be more alert!!!
The homestart volunteers were late coming round by like 20 mins that wound me up cos LO wanted his milk but I wouldn't be able to get up and answer the door so had to wait till they arrived. Just thought they don't think I'm worth turning up on time for. Was really conscious thinking the house is a mess they will think I'm lazy and disgusting for not having a spotless house.
HV was also late by 15 mins, just thought I'm not important to people, they can't even be bother to turn up on time. They must just think it doesn't matter I've got nothing better to do then wait in for people to come round and take pity on me. Then she was asking me about my pain levels and to give it on a scale of one to ten. Said was about four at that time is now about 8. I mean 10 is when I can't walk, I mean really it is impossible I double over in so much pain. I thought what is she asking about that for? Cos I was pushing LO in his pushchair to get him to sleep in the kitchen and she was like can you manage? What if I couldn't? HV not there all the time so is tough if in pain have to do it!!!
She did say something interesting that maybe my anxiety is linked to the pain levels I am experiencing and that is why driving has before an issue as it causes me a lot of pain. I think she could have a point but I also think there is more behind it then just the physical pain issue but it doesn't help!!!
Found it really hard to engage at the me time group the pain was really bad walking up to the children's centre. Kept spacing out and didn't join in the conversations at all. Just wanted to get LO and go home. My head just went all fuzzy and can't concentrate on what is happening around me when is like that. Been like it for the rest of the day since. Finding it hard to write on here, just can't seem to focus at all.

I'm gonna go try and get some sleep now ha might be back soon!!!

[winegirl]

Hi HUn

Did you manage to get any sleep? You were up really late!! How are you feeling today?

I like the fact that you are tracking your negative thoughts in your diary - its a good idea for looking back on! Perhaps you could document any positives too? I used to do this to try and make the day appear brighter and give me some more focus..

Hope you are ok this morning xx

WG x

[ingleby]

Hi Winegirl,

Yea LO had a poorly tummy and woke up when I went up to bed so was up with him till about 3am, then he wanted to be up at 7am!!!

Yea I think your right to suggest maybe putting some positive thoughts in there. I am starting to dread coming and writing in here as is so depressing writing all negative thoughts down!!!

I'm a bit pissed off really, but feel slightly more enlightened!!! GP won't give me any medication yet wants me to go back in two weeks and if still struggling will give me them then. She said I should contact my CPN again to ask about getting some CBT. So I did and she suggested I go online and do some myself as the waiting list for CBT is longer then the waiting list I'm on to see the psychologist!!! So I've been spending the pass three hours doing a course of life skills training, which to be fair is pretty intense and challenging but I think will be useful. I think it is going to be really hard to challenge my negative thoughts, but I'm willing to at least try until get some therapy off the psychologist.
Am still really struggling with the anxiety and just generally even been able to focus on what is happening around me. I just cut myself off from everything that I can (obviously not LO as he needs me to be alert)! I can't be bothered to join in conversations or even answer people half the time. I must come across as so rude!!! I just feel really spaced out all the time. I have the telly on but don't really watch it I couldn't tell you what I've watched today or what happened in the programmes!!!

Went and bought 3 bottles of wine intending them to last just the weekend but the GP said I'm gonna have to give up breastfeeding if I don't cut down my drinking as LO would have long-term effects from it. So I'm now measuring out my wine intake and trying to limit it to once or twice a week. I said to her though breastfeeding is the only thing stopping me going on proper binge drinking episodes at the minute. She acknowledged that fact and suggested trying to cut down instead which I was going to do anyway!!! I said so surely me going on medication is better then LO been exposed to alcohol? I thought GP's were sup to weigh up the risks and benefits of all the options, sometimes I feel like I'm doing her job for her!!!

My head has been spinning today and forgot to do my pelvic floor exercises which is really bad as I really need to do them!!! Plus am sup to brace my pelvis by pulling in muscles but forget to do that as well!!! No wonder my back is killing me again!!! Did make myself aware that my negative thoughts start as soon as I wake up as I'm instantly aware of the pain again. The only time I don't feel pain is when I'm asleep and I'm not 100% convinced that is true cos sometimes wake myself up cos am so tense with pain!!! Sick of having bad dreams about the birth or random dreams about been well again and depressing myself even more when wake up and find it isn't true.

Did do some positive things today. Sorted out going over to the support group on Monday for women with PND. I still think I also have PTSD, but the women who run the group have suffered from this as well and are willing to help me with my anxiety so am looking forward to that. Do feel slightly better when know am going to be getting support from women who have experienced similar issues. That's why I like coming on here but it's not the same as seeing people in person.
It's gonna be a bit of an adventure for me and LO cos we're going to get a lift with BF as he works in that city. Then we are going to a children's centre over there so I can feed LO (don't like doing it in public) and they said we can hang around there if we want. Then make our way over to the group and back to BF's work for a lift back. Be an insight into what my BF does all day as well!!! I am really looking forward to it. So sick of people promising me they will sort me out some help and then it doesn't happen or am on waiting list!!!

Negative thoughts today:

Was so tired when LO woke up at like 6am and then had his milk and wanted to be up. He really bite me as well. It's really sore and painful now when he feeds!!! Before it was just nipping and I told him no and took him off, but he just thinks it's a game and laughs. But that really hurt this morning and even BF said it looks nasty. Can't go to breastfeeding support this week as will be over in city for PND support group. But explained this to woman in email and she said she was a midwife for 9 years and so can offer advice on breastfeeding as well. The pain was bad when woke up this morning as well think it depends sometimes on my position when asleep. Become really aware of the internal pain again too. It comes and goes but always know it is there. This already starts the negative thoughts off. I just don't want to wake up on a morning anymore!!! It's always the same cycle of wake up = pain and then the pain gets worse as the day goes on!!!
It's alright this course of CBT saying you should look after yourself and do more exercise but I can't apply that in my case. When I get two minutes to myself I need to sit down and rest not be up making food for myself or go swimming. I was thinking of trying to go swimming at least once a week for myself as LO can go in the crèche. I'm allow to do doggy paddle ha ha!!! Not breast stroke obviously!!!
I need to try keep a diary of everything basically!!! Negative thoughts, unhelpful behaviours, helpful behaviours, activity levels, problems encountered and how I dealt with them, assertiveness skills need to try and use, my drinking levels!! I'm never gonna remember to do it all the only spare time I get is now!!! I will try and do it all in here as much as I can remember during the day!!! Least I'm trying anyway!!!
So we was late for 'messy me' group again!!! I find the mums at the groups can be so bitchy I don't even wanna go half the time or maybe I'm just paranoid!!! Sometimes I don't know if people are talking about me or if it's just all in my head!!! Was fun though made buns and biscuits for red nose day. Got LO to make them for BF.
Walked into town with one of other mums to try fight my anxiety about going into town when it isn't planned. Am usually OK if with someone else though. Went to bakery for a sandwich and woman behind counter ignored me for ages and that set me off again with negative thoughts!!! She said she didn't see me but I didn't believe her!!
Then went to GP and saw my neighbour in the waiting room but she ignored me so got paranoid about that. Couldn't stop fidgeting. I do that to control the anxiety as it distracts me concentrating on something else other then panicking. LO was asleep and so I had nothing I could use to distract the attention away from myself and I thought everyone was staring at me. Was so relieved when got called in to see GP.
Popped into chemist to get prescription and she said to me oh we haven't seen you for a while. I said yea that's a good thing. Although I have been in she just wasn't there but I was in there all the time at one point so she did have a point. Just took it as a criticism when I knew she was only trying to be friendly!!!
Thought CPN fobbed me off when phoned her. Saying waiting list too long for CBT and had I tried relaxation techniques!!! I don't really know what she means by relaxation techniques. I said I go to pilates but I have a baby when do I get chance to relax really!!! I just don't feel I have relaxation periods anymore. I try and go get a bath and BF ends up bringing LO in the bathroom cos it keeps him quiet so that spoils that!!! I sup my relax time is now!!! I don't relax when go upstairs cos I'm on call for LO. Although I am now really, the monitor is on and every time he stirs I hear him. I just can't relax if I close my eyes I just see images of the birth. I'm constantly on edge any little noise makes me jump I really can't relax.
Getting tired now so might be able to sleep. Had 250ml of wine. Will keep a record of things of here as much as can is only chance will get to do it really. Had pizza for tea to cheer myself up a bit. Oh I won't be back in time for slimming world on Monday what a shame!!! Got my club 10 free week then think am going to leave anyway!!! Got down to my target weight just worried about putting it back on again with drinking and eating pizza!!! Need to buy some scales to keep an eye on it will only add to depression if put weight back on!!!

Best go try and sleep. Need to get a shower yet as well and am randomly hungry!!!

[winegirl]

Hey Hun

I can email you some relaxation techniques if you like? Some of which I used myself when I had the anxiety..

WG xx

[ingleby]

Hi Winegirl,

I would appreciate that as maybe I'm been totally thick but I don't really understand what they mean by relaxation techniques!!! Should I PM you my email address?

So had an alright weekend. Just chilling with wine at the moment. Yesterday we went over to the city as I had to take my sick note into work but then the manager wasn't there!!! Decided he was having the weekend off and staff hadn't turned up for their shifts. I'm so glad I'm not there at the minute just can't take the stress.

Met a friend who is expecting in June so felt all wise and knowledgeable as it is her first and she was asking me loads of questions. I try not to emphasize all the problems I'm having still as I don't want to scare her!!! LO was very well behaved and BF came as well so saved me having to drive and lift the pushchair, which weighs a ton!!! We dropped in at Tesco on way back and that didn't go so well. Had an anxiety attack cos BF went off with LO and the trolley while I was pottering about and then I couldn't find them. Felt so sick and dizzy was sure I was gonna pass out but then I spotted them and made my way over quickly. I'd overdone it during the day walking all over town with my friend and up and down loads of stairs, without taking them one at a time. So I could hardly walk by time we got to Tesco. I really think the anxiety is related to the physical pain as the more pain I'm in the more I feel vulnerable. Also it is more obvious to people that there is something wrong with me as you can tell I can't walk normally. Felt really ill after that but think I've also got another infection as well. Told GP think I've got Pelvic Inflammatory Disease and she agrees but at least I'm got my scan date through finally. It is on 1st April so they can see what is going on and get it treated!!!

Had a good day today. Took LO to Creepy Crawlies and it really tired him out and he seem to enjoy it. My mum said he is too young but they have a baby section. He only got trampled on a few times, but he needs to learn he isn't wrapped up in cotton wool. I got anxious when had to go to loo as was at other side of place but just rode with it and it soon went away. Then had to go back to work and get my sick note back as I forgot to fill in the back of it!!! Doh!! What a flaming idiot!!! So did the loads of steps again and didn't take it one at a time so am in bad pain again!!! I know it seems such a simple thing but when there are people behind me I feel so conscious of the fact I look like I'm vulnerable and I hate it, so I don't walk slow and rush up the stairs and then suffer for it. I'm trying to be more aware of my anxiety and just ride with it when it does happen instead of fighting it and making it worse. Also trying to challenge about my negative thoughts but then move on from them also, that is a lot more difficult.

I swear it really did just feel like a baby kick inside me!!! I think I'm going mad as I keep doing tests and they are negative!! It started off as little movements now they are getting more like kicks. Maybe it's cos had sex last night and I always forget to take the pill. I was just saying to BF no more children. LO is enough, forever. But it would be nice to have a little girl and I do think get it over with, may as well mess body up now while it's still in ruins then do all this to myself again in a few years!!! I don't know what goes round in my head most of the time!!! My body couldn't take another pregnancy I'm sure and my head would be totally gone!! But I put my hand on my stomach and it did feel like kicks!!! I nearly went upstairs and woke up BF to get him to feel but better not. We're all up early tomorrow as we're getting a lift with BF over to other city for PND support group.
Am trying to get this living life to the full course finished some of it is useful rest is just stuff I already knew!!! Maybe I'm building up this support group tomorrow into something it isn't. Just keep thinking and saying that when get there they will be able to help me. Not that I expect them to fix me but if they could just give me some advice on how to deal with the anxiety that would really help at the minute and how to deal with my sleeping problems. Although the living life course had some good advice on how to tactic that one!!!
I'm worried about tomorrow. I don't know my way around the city we are going to and have written directions down on some paper but it is all very unknown!!! Plus got LO with me which makes me more anxious and haven't had any rest this weekend so SPD will be bad. BF was good though said I can ring him if I get lost or panicky and he will try and help me. I feel so pathetic needing to ring him about stupid things. As if I lost the plot when I couldn't find him in Tesco!!! It's only Tesco!! What's the worse that could happen (a lot if I actually think about it)!?! Like this morning when I woke up BF had taken LO downstairs and I looked at clock and it was 11.15am. I couldn't hear LO downstairs and he has his milk at 11am. I immediately thought my BF had taken him somewhere and not told me about it and that he wasn't gonna come back!!! I don't trust anyone 100% when it comes to LO. I rushed downstairs and LO was there asleep in BF arms!!! Panic over!!!
When we got back from the city today a car like made a noise going pass and I jumped out of my skin and grabbed my BF cos he was holding LO and I wanted to try protect him!!! It was only a car noise!!! I'm constantly like that all the time. Always on like alert I can't switch off and relax ever!!! I just feel like everything is out of my control like at the birth. I thought I was in control writing my birth plan and cos it was my body and baby but no people just did what they wanted to me and spoke to me like I was a child!!! Now I just can't get back that sense of control it's gone. It's like it was a fake assumption I made about how the world is, that I actually have control over things. So I am constantly expecting something bad to happen and feel I have to prepare my body for it. I don't even realise I feel like that till something random happens and then I notice how tense my body is and how uptight and scared I am all the time. I just don't know how to go back to the way things were before. I don't think I will ever be able to even be awake and not feel scared and vulnerable. As soon as I open my eyes it hits and even when I'm asleep it's in my dreams. I feel like I have to protect myself and LO from the whole world all the time. I don't even trust my BF like this morning.
Oh my muscles are bloody spasming now scared me to death thinking it was something serious just cos tired and had a drink I think. Who knows with me!!! Scaring myself again looking stuff up on internet really I should try go get some sleep gotta be up early in the morning.

[beckah]

hi mate

Just thought i'd tell you some of the things that i do to try and relax, until i met the ladies on this site i didn't even consider there was anything i could do but a few things work.

For me when i'm really anxious and panicked, sweet tea is the only thing that works.

I listen to music that i found relaxing prior to PNI because it kind of takes me back to the feeling before the illness which calms me down and makes my mind wander onto good times i've had as opposed to anxious or intrusive thoughts.

Breathing deeply works, in through your nose until your belly inflates and then out through your mouth concentrating on your breathing.

Tensing your body. Work your way up the body parts, feet first, tense for 5 seconds then release, do each body part a few times. Not really sure why this one works, perhaps it's the concentration of doing it.

I invested in a Nintendo DS as well, there are a couple of relaxation games, like puzzle things with ocean music or rainforest music in the background. And any puzzle games are good, just to take your mind off things as distraction is really one of the only things that works. Plus you can have a bit of fun with games like TheSims!

Can probably think of more as the day goes on, i've tried lots of things!

Ooh and have you tried or thought about reflexology for the SPD? My friend is a reflexologist and she's been doing it on my for my back and you know, i really think it does give some relief.

xxxxx

[sianyc]

I used to buy 'dreamtime solid bath oil' in slabs from Lush. It is AMAZING to put in the bath about an hour before you want to go to sleep. It never failed to make me sleepy. Bit expensive to use every night but very effective :-)

I always have a stack of books as well. Just easy to read girly books rather than the thrillers and sci fi I normally read. I found reading for a bit in bed helped me unwind and fall asleep quicker.

[winegirl]

I will pm you with some stuff hun x But the girls have already mentioned some great stuff! Its just difficult initially to make yourself relax, but you will soon get the hang of it x

I promise you that everything you are going through with teh anxiety I have been through and I never believed it would get better - but it does. And we are behind you all the way xx

WG xx

[ingleby]

Hi everyone,

Didn't manage to get on here yesterday was so knackered after walking all over the place in the city!!!

Beckah - By sweet tea do you mean herbal tea? I'm currently trying Horlicks and chocolate as an alternative to wine! I've bought myself a new MP3 player and will put some music on there that I use to be into when I was 'me'. I can't actually remember the last time I really made time to listen to a good album, even Foos my all time favourites!!! Did go to a Disturbed gig when LO was about 3 months old but was in pain with the SPD cos was standing and just didn't enjoy it. I bought Kerrang yesterday as it use to be like my bible and so thought would try and read something other then baby related material!!! Still debating the Nintendo DS, they are quite expensive unless take a chance and get one off ebay!
I hadn't thought of reflexology but one of the women who runs the PND support group said she also had it for her SPD and it helped her too. Luckily at the me-time group go to on Thursdays they are having a reflexologist there this week and offering the treatment so will give it a try. Also there it is on offer of it at the PND support group every Monday. On the SPD website they suggest having treatment with a chiropractor. There is a clinic in my town and I know the woman who owns it as she was at my post-natal group so I might enquire about that as well. My physio said she is gonna start a different type of treatment with me as the ultrasound treatment doesn't seem to be doing anything. But I can't go back and see my physio until I've had the scan on the 1st to see what's wrong internally. But at least I have a few opinions in the meantime!!!

Sian - I'm trying some of the Radox calming bath stuff don't knwo if it works or not!!! I try to read my book before going to sleep, usually is murder mysteries or horror though, I don't do girlie!!!

Winegirl - Oh thanks I'm really trying to be more aware of the anxiety and the fact I need to have some 'down' time for myself!!! Just need to believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that this won't be forever!

Had an OK day today. Think am just feeling a bit better about things as feel like got a few things sorted out and now know what kinda direction I'm going in. Had an interesting experience over at the city yesterday!!! Ha ha it just reminded me why I chose to live in a small town, when I am a city girl. I love the availability and assess of living in the city, just can't be doing the atmosphere. Me and LO were just walking about, went to one of the many children's centres so could give him his milk (still got issues about feeding in public). I went and sat in the park to eat my lunch while LO was having his nap and then of course trouble started. I could see it coming!!! Some bloke came over acting all crazy but I just stood up to him and he left us alone. But he got in a proper fight with this other bloke and was pestering him for money, which he gave him!!! I can look after myself as I come from quite a rough area but I would rather I didn't have to be constantly looking over my shoulder and be confronting people! Although the good thing that came out of it was I was shocked that I actually did it and didn't go into a massive anxiety attack after. I was actually quite calm throughout and felt really in control!!! How strange is that when can hardly go out the front door some days!!! It was like the old me again knowing I could handle the situation and I had to, to protect LO anyway. Maybe it's a mothering instinct or something. Think the whole episode has given me more confidence in my own abilities to be able to get better.

The PND support group is really good. Everyone there is really friendly and they actually listen to what I have to say. I've spent the past 8 months talking to so many health professionals and every time they refer me on and I can tell they aren't really interested. I just thought I was a problem that no-one wanted to deal with! But I think now with the group I've found some hope that there are people out there who care and are willing to listen and support me! I also took a big step as they recommended that I contact the local rape crisis centre. I think it is time for me to start to deal with things. I can't keep blocking out the past with alcohol and since the birth it doesn't work any more anyway!!! So I rang them today and am seeing them Monday morning. They are doing an assessment on me but she said sounds like I need counselling and they have a slot on Monday mornings so that would work out good. I said to BF Mondays are gonna be 'fix' Sammy day!!!
CPN contacted me and confirmed that the psychologist will see me and that I'm been referred over to the trauma team in the city for assessment!!! Another bloody referral but at least it seems to be to the right people this time, just hoping the waiting list isn't too long!

So am positive me today and it didn't take any wine either, which is a first!!! BF is trying to be supportive as well. They gave me a sheet of paper to give to him at the PND support group basically saying what he can do to help. I think maybe it helped for him to get some kind of idea what it is like for me. Think it makes him feel more useful giving him some do's and don't's as before don't think he knew what to do with me half the time!!! He has been really supportive in me deciding I can't go back to work at the moment and the decision I've made to try and look at past issues. Mean as well sort out everything while got the chance. I don't really think I've got a choice this time though. Each time something bad happened to me I would just block it out. Stuff that went on when I was a child, sexual abuse, being raped, the miscarriage and the years of alcohol abuse!!! I just kept blocking it out with more alcohol but since the birth even alcohol can't block it out anymore! I knew one day I would have to deal with it and I think that day has finally arrived! I'm scared to death like. Keep thinking if start this journey to recovery will never be able to get off it! The trouble is I can't remember half of it, which I thought was a good thing as I don't wanna think about it. But since the birth it comes back to me in flashbacks and nightmares and I actually have to face up to the fact those things did happen. Where this new positive me has come from I don't know, hope she is here to stay!!!

Not that I'm not still struggling!!! LO has started going to bed earlier and earlier meaning he was up and awake at 5am shouting mama, papa, meaning get up in LO language!!! Put him in his cot after his milk feed but no joy had to take him back out again and be head butted by an excited 8 month old!!! I actually managed to settle for about 12.30amish which is good for me but I was just so exhausted after all the walking we did. Plus I tried the relaxation technique like Beckah suggested, you know going through each body part and relaxing it individually and next thing I knew I was fast asleep!!! Was best night sleep had in ages!!
Didn't wake up having a nightmare which I can't even remember doing since the birth without the aid of wine! LO been so clingy with me though and won't even go in his high chair to eat!!! He refuses his food unless sat on my lap to eat it!!! Grrrr!!! Then cos he got up so early he was tired by 9am! But I didn't let him sleep cos we were out at a group and no point going to the group if he is asleep!!! Sure everyone was thinking what a bad mother I am not letting him sleep when he wants to!!! Then came back home and LO had a three hour nap which was bliss and meant I managed to puck up the courage and have the chance to ring the Rape Crisis Helpline.
Got some advice at the children's centre as LO has started doing this random head butting movement. He tends to be mostly when he is tired but he will head butt anything and everything then get angry with me when I try and stop hi doing it. If he isn't near something to head butt then he just does the movement but I think surely it would make him dizzy. I'm really worried about it. Anyway one of workers said it's a natural thing probably started doing it cos we put him in his cot now. Baby look for comfort like in the womb by having their heads next to something. Which makes sense I sup. Still I might mention it to the HV tomorrow at baby clinic when I take LO to get weighed and ask her about the chiropractor for the SPD.

Best go BF is waiting to help me with my SPD exercises then get him to come in bath and rub my back!!! Ha ha got him well trained at the minute! Fingers crossed will be able to sleep at a reasonable hour again!!!

[beckah]

Hi hun

Only a quick few lines tonight as i'm shattered but just wanted you to know i was thinking of you and was sooooo pleased that you are sounding so positive. It's amazing what a proactive day and a good nights sleep can do to you isn't it? ;-)

I've not tried any herbal teas, i have a real bad allergy to anything herbal for some reason, makes me violently sick within minutes of taking/drinking anything. But sweet tea (tea with a couple of sugars) works wonders to calm me down when i'm feeling anxious, not sure how it works but it does.

Glad the tensing the different areas of the body worked, that was one that i read about in the anxiety book my CBT man recommended to me. Not sure whether it's the fact that you are concentrating on something other than what is going on but it definitely works.

The MP3 player will definitely do you good. i think alot of the time it helps just to have something that reminds me of who i used to be, of a time when i was happy and it just reminds me that i haven't always been like this and that it is an illness and it will go away and i can be that person again. Music is great for that and i don't make nearly enough time for it.

Hope you have a good night's sleep and catch up tomorrow xxxx

[winegirl]

LOL hun- you sound like me - Kerrand, Wine and the Foos.. my perfect night in! (or out!)

Just wanted to say about the reflexology.. Well I have never been much of a beleiver ina ll this alternative therapy stuff, HOWEVER. I have PCOS (dodgy ovaries) and because of that was struggling to conceive my LO. As a desperate chance I had a go at reflexology and was stunned. I never told the lady why I was there but 5 mins of fiddling with my feet she announced my ovaries were not good, and six session later I was pregnant! And if nothing else it is SOOO relaxing, very very worth it!

How are you doing today mate? Did you get a decent nights sleep last night??

WG xx

[ingleby]

Not having a good day today. I think I cursed myself by saying I would have a bad day cos had two OK days. Emailed Jo from House of Light support group and she said shouldn't automatically think gonna have a bad day when had an OK day, but I can't help myself.

I woke up this morning and the pain was unbearable! I think I must have laid in a funny position (ha that would be any position, with my messed up body!!!) LO was head butting me to get up and I just wanted to crawl away and die!! It's bad enough when gets to end of day and pain is unbearable but when it starts in the morning I just can't cope with it any more. Went to my pilates class but already had a negative attitude so didn't feel like it helped and I just found the exercises painful! Then LO didn't stick to the routine!!! We have a routine and LO has a nap in the morning so I can have my dinner and have a rest before we go out for an afternoon walk. But I took LO to baby clinic as he has started doing this random head butting movement and does it against his cot and pushchair, like he has autism or something. He hasn't put any weight on for two months as he keeps sicking up his solids and just wants milk. He seems to be eating his solids again now but then was sick again today!! HV said he seems fine and will probably grow out of the head butting thing. It is a stage they go through and just need to try give him some different foods, introducing one at a time. I said he just wants milk but he can't live off just that anymore!!
So I went to the clinic in town and booked to see the chiropractor. I have to do something about the pain!!! We stupidly had sex the other night and I've paid for it ever since. Sure I've got another infection but I'm not going to the GP cos can't stand the thought of having another internal. Last time LO was screaming and I thought I was back at the birth and I totally freaked out! I can't really afford the chiropractor is £45 for 40 mins for first session, then £27 for 20 mins!!!! But I can't carry on like this anymore! Made the pain worse by purposely carrying loads of shopping across town. What's wrong with me? I know I can't do certain things but I do them anyway. I'm sure it's a form of self-punishment. I hate myself! I don't deserve to have OK days.
I'm regretting ringing Rape Crisis now I don't think I can cope with talking about what happened. I can't even remember half of the abuse that went on and don't want to remember it. If only the birth hadn't, had been such a nightmare this wouldn't be happening to me. I could just have carried on drinking myself to death which is what I was doing!!! I such have stayed with my ex-husband he is an alcoholic and we were just having a mad drinking session as a life! He was texting me today about how lovable I am and that made me mad and I wish he would stop bloody texting me sometimes but then I don't as well sigh!!!
So after walking right to other side of town cos baby clinic was moved to children's centre grrrrr!!! LO wouldn't have his afternoon nap which is when I get to rest. He was fighting sleep and I was trying to get him to settle in his pushchair which was causing me more pain and I thought I'm going flaming mad stuck in this situation. This isn't my body!!! I don't know where my body has gone but it's been replaced by this crap waste of space vessel that doesn't work properly!! I started swearing at LO and then immediately felt guilty. He's a baby what's wrong with me?!? Now I told my BF not to go upstairs to bed or I'm gonna drink wine and get pissed cos can't cope with it!!!
Got myself upset cos was looking up SPD and saw that factors that can contribute towards it is previous trauma to the pelvis. I know that I sustained damage to my pelvis when the sexual abuse went on but I didn't do anything about it! I deserve this to be happening to me. I should have left that nutter when the abuse started but I didn't. I really feel like crying but I don't cry in front of my BF and he won't go upstairs now even though told him too. Feel more guilt now cos he has to be up for work and I'm just attention seeking when I'm really not. I just am trying not to drink myself into another drunken state as it doesn't solve anything and makes me feel really ill.
Managed to get to sleep last night but took about an hour. Don't think I'm gonna be able to sleep tonight too many thoughts going round my head and am trying to not let them control me but they do.
I said to Jo at the group I just don't think I deserve any positive self talk. When I was a child my parents constantly told me I was worthless and selfish and everything bad that was happening was my fault. I use to have two voices in my head one was good me and one was bad me. Good me told me I did deserve some love and bad me said I got everything I deserved and my parents were right. I struggled with these two voices controlling me for ages then one day good me disappeared and then there was only bad me. Always there telling me everything was my fault and I deserve bad things to happen to me always!!! That voice is the only thing that has kept me going all these years. I call it the rage these days and it is a burning hatred inside me but it's all there is to drive me. I don't know what else there is. I think I sound like a crazy person no wonder I need to see a psychologist!!!
Sometimes I do think about letting my BF in and maybe taking some of the emotional support he is offering, but I just can't let him in or anyone! He'll hold me sometimes and I feel nothing. Then another time I will feel so desperate for some love and attention like a small child as I never got any when I was a child and it makes me feel really sad. I just want to go give LO a cuddle now so he knows how much I love him and I would never, ever treat him like my parents treated me! I just wish the pain would go away, all of it physical and emotional. I just want to get all this out of my system so I can sleep tonight without the aid of wine!!!
Feeling anxious now and I'm just in the house. Wish could stop thinking about the sexual abuse. Triggered the flashbacks by seeing that info about previous trauma to pelvis brought up images of stuff I thought I'd forgotten about. I don't know how I going to talk about it on Monday. I feel sick just thinking about it and even admitting it happened and that I let it happen! Feel like I will lose control and freak out if I try and talk about it to someone. Like I did after seeing that trauma counsellor.
Even when I read back what I've just wrote I can't connect to it. It's like someone else is writing it. I feel so messed up. I was debating whether to start a diary in the abuse section but I just don't think I can do it. It wouldn't be me writing it, it's always like it happened to someone else.
Gotta drive tomorrow night cos am at my voluntary work and am scared about that. I know there's nothing to be scared about it's only driving, but I just don't know what mood I'm going to be in and if I can handle it!!!
Feel a bit calmer now and flashbacks have stopped, trying to avoid the kitchen where the wine is!!! BF gone upstairs now. I should go up and get a shower and try to sleep. Wanna look at LO and remind myself there is someone who needs me and wants me around.

[ingleby]

Well I actually did OK with my driving tonight, am rather proud of myself!!! I did like they told me at HOL and just rode with it and tried to positive self-talk (which I am crap at)! I mean I still struggle and did get anxious but I didn't let it take control of me which I think is a big achievement!!!

I just love my son so much he was so sweet this morning! Mama!!! Still can't get use to him talking.
The pain wasn't as bad when woke up this morning but then when I went to the loo, the anal fissure just wouldn't stop bleeding and it has opened up really badly. I need to go see GP about it really but I told her last week that it has been bleeding for three weeks and she just gave me more ointment that doesn't work. I did get referred to the hospital about it before but it calmed down and he said I'd have to have surgery and I just can't cope with that at minute!!! But it wouldn't stop bleeding this morning!!! So that was a shit start to the day after LO was so loving!!!
Dragged us both to swimming. Definitely think I've got an infection the internal pain is getting worse again and feels really tender and sore inside. Started feeling really dizzy and sick even when not anxious so think must be an infection. Seeing GP on Tuesday but debating whether to ring tomorrow. It means another internal though and I'm still in pain after having sex and just can't stand the thought of GP shoving their hand up me again!!!

The bloody swimming class is so disorganised and there is only two baby change tables when is like 12 babies need changing at same time!!! Ended up having to wait outside changing room with LO for 10 mins with us both freezing to death before could get dressed. Now sure he has cold again and his eye is all sticky again!!!

Went to the me-time group this afternoon and it was massage. They had this mega expensive, but cool chair that really did relieve my back pain, which was bad from the trauma of swimming class!!! I want one for at home!!! They did an indian head massage but I just got her to do my shoulders through my t-shirt as I'm really funny about people touching me. Then another woman who is a professional therapist did my back. I let her and took my top off just cos I thought it might help with the pain. I felt really uncomfortable with her touching me though. She said to me to visualise a special place that I deserve to go to. I really struggle with that kind of thinking that I deserve anything good to happen to me and so instead I started getting flashbacks of the birth and I couldn't control it. I really had to hide it from the woman and then started panicking about her noticing I wasn't actually relaxing. I just wanted it over with!!! I mean it did help with my back but it's really expensive normally as well. She works at the same clinic where the chiropractor is that I'm going to see, and I am tempted to go for another back massage, but is £15 for half an hour!!! Was free today cos at the group.

LO started playing up this afternoon cos stupid catalogue woman knocked loudly on the door and woke him up early from his nap!!! Really had to control myself as was getting really stressed out and panicking about driving. Was impressed with my new found skills at 'controlling' the anxiety! Well at least I'm working on controlling it now, where as before I just didn't know what to do!!!!

I really wish we could go on a holiday but we can't afford it. Even just a few days away near a beach would be really nice. But then I just think the hassle of taking LO away would make it not really a holiday!

Think it helped tonight to get out of the house doing my voluntary work. Although I think some of the clients are in a better place then I am at the minute!!! I wonder about how much good I'm doing with the state I'm in!!!

I so messed up my pelvis with driving back, couldn't use my leg properly on the side used to press down gas pedal! It really hurts now on one side, sometimes I really can feel how unsymmetric my pelvis really is!!!

I feel really ill, head is really spinning and computer screen keeps going fuzzy. Really should go see GP tomorrow! Just waiting for 1st April so they can tell me what is wrong with me. Woah my head is so messed up feel like had about 10 pints when only had horlicks!!! I don't want them touching me again though. Least BF home at wkend, feel better when he is around as keep getting really dizzy and hate carrying LO about when feel like gonna pass out all the time. Sup bleeding doesn't help, stupid anal fissure! Think I'm gonna try and settle if I can even stand up, what is wrong with me!! Ha and tonight I started panicking in the car thinking maybe I will just randomly get better and then have to go back to my job which I hate and couldn't cope with. Sup could be lack of sleep. Does that make me feel like someone has snacked you round the head?