ingleby
Full member
My son is aged 3 years in July. Offically diagnosed with PNI when he was six months old.
Posts: 84
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Post by ingleby on Mar 21, 2009 1:48:41 GMT
So really feel like shit today!!! Went to GP in end cos worked myself up thinking is something seriously wrong with me and that I might drop down dead at any minute, nutter!!! Anyway after ranting down the phone at GP turns out as usual they can't do anything about the anal fissure or the increasing internal pains!!! He just did a quick exam of me and said got low blood pressure and a viral infection. Which is going round and affects balance and with having low blood pressure will cause dizziness and fainting!!! Just got to rest, he did say as much as LO will let you ha ha!!! Least is weekend and BF is off work for two days. He has two weeks off from 6th April will be so good to get some help with LO during week for a change, maybe I will actually get some rest. Just had bit of argument with BF, but he doesn't do arguments which I find frustrating sometimes as feel guilty for even raising my voice and makes me look like I'm hysterical ranting at him when he is all calm and looking hurt!!! LO still wakes me at like 4, 5, 6am at latest and now is starting to climb up furniture and already has rolled off the bed once and nearly twice but I just caught him in time!!! I just can't wake up on a morning. BF thinks I should get up when LO wants me to get up but it isn't as simple as that. I am so exhausted. I know he tries to understand but he can't, he comes from a perfect family who love each other and don't have f**ked up behaviour!!! I can't go upstairs when he does I just laid there having bloody flashbacks and then wake up from horrible night terrors thinking I'm back at the birth or one of the rapes or back as a child when I never slept. I don't want to be like this I want to go to bed at a normal time. I wish it was just cos I've formed a bad habit with my sleeping. I'm sure he thinks I'm just attention seeking. I've never been able to sleep not since I can remember, I always stayed up till god knows what time then couldn't get up in the morning. Me and sleep just don't have a good relationship!!! Just let LO use me as a dummy so he will go back to sleep on a morning, even though he is still biting me and leaving bruises that hurt and then is painful feeding him! Told one of other breastfeeding mums I was having problems with him biting and she said her little girl did say thing and she use to flick her!!! Not really hard but enough so it hurt and she'd cry and then she stopped biting. But I was horrified!!! I couldn't do that to LO! I'm really against physical punishment of any kind. My mum was too bloody handy with her fists when I was little, well till I was about 14 and hit her back then she stopped. I would never do that to LO. I couldn't, it would make me like my mum and I'd rather be dead then like her! I'd rather let LO bite me. I don't know what to do about it really.
Had some good news today. Surestart are gonna pay for my treatment with the chiropractor! Which is a huge relief especially when I checked my bank account and am currently living off £23 a week!!! They also said that they would pay for any other treatment chiropractor recommends that might help relief some of my pain like massage (although struggle with them)! I was so touched they were really nice to me and synpathic and said how hard it has been for me and that I deserve the money. My mum is always saying she can't understand why I feel the need to have to go to baby groups?!? She was quite happy to stay at home with us all day (yea she use to watch telly in one room and leave us in the other room to entertain ourselves all day, everyday!) . If I didn't go to groups I wouldn't talk to people and I would never be getting the support and funding that I really need. I don't stay at home full of self-pity and taking overdoses like she did!!! I'm totally different to her I actually have some social skills (luckily I'm like my dad in that way) and need to have contact with other human beings not live in a fantasy world of TV land!!! She text me earlier so has got me upset now. I'm not letting her look after LO any more. I've decided I can't cope with the anxiety it causes me seeing her and thinking something bad will happen to LO while with her (although I think that about LO with anyone, including when with me)! He is quite happy when he stays at the crèche when I'm at me time group and when I start my counselling with rape crisis, he will be going in a crèche then as well. I just don't think I will be able to face seeing her when I start the counselling especially when working on the childhood stuff. How much longer can I keep up this fake family bullshit?!? HV said I really should consider not seeing my mum anymore, or at least not have her looking after LO and I think she is right. But it isn't always possible as BF is at work and when I go to hospital appointments there isn't anyone else really. I don't know, my head is so fuzzy. My sister pissed me off. I told her recently about been raped and about the sexual abuse that went on when I was 19 and about some other trauma I experienced while was with my ex-husband. She didn't know what to say I don't think. But text her tonight and said I was going for my counselling and to see chiropractor and she was just like glad you've got some help for your pelvis problems!!! Don't know what I was expecting really. She's pregnant and had a rough time already so she's got her own shit to deal with at minute. I just don't know why I bother with my family at all they don't give me any support, it will be random texts asking how I am now and again. Sometimes they ring but I just don't wanna talk to them! I just hit a brick wall with them. Not so much with my sisters, but they are as messed up as I am in their own different ways so it's difficult to speak about things with them. Although my sister did remember things I didn't remember, which made things even worse then I thought but sup that's the danger of talking to her about the past. It's sad really as we use to be so close when we were younger we had to be to survive. I sup we are all distant and disconnected from people, including each other. Maybe it difficult cos we remind each other about what went on. My other two sisters one won't touch alcohol think cos she saw me abusing it and saw how it messed me up, the other is exactly like me goes to gigs and get f**ked up, off her face on drink!!! Sup is partly my fault took her to festivals with me and encouraged her to behave like me! I could so do to get really messed up right now. I feel so ill but struggle everyday with not getting really off my face and passing out. I really use to make myself ill and liked it. Sure it must be a form of self-harm. I would make myself throw up until stomach lining was coming up then pass out on walls on way back from pub or just lay in the street shouting at randoms. It was like I was asking for someone to come along and do something to me. Half the time I wanted someone to come along and kill me. I don't have the guts to do it to myself. Sometimes I would think about it but never actually did it. Can't remember what they call it when you purposely put you in dangerous situations, is some counselling term for it. I don't do it now though. I don't want LO having that kind of behaviour as a role model. I saw what it did to my ex, his parents were both proper alcoholics and he followed suit. There's nothing that scares me more in this world then thinking someone would try and take LO off me. Bf said to me he thinks sometimes I will just leave and they won't see me again! I was like where would I go?!? I would never leave LO. I often have dreams about my BF beating the crap out of me (no reason to think this he has never hurt me physically, just about my past experiences of men and even if they seemed OK still can turn nasty at any time), and I always in my dream get LO and try run out of the house. Usually ring my dad but think that's to do with the fact I wish my dad had intervened when I was young, when my mum would do stuff instead of always taking her side.
My new MP3 player came today so put some music on it and trying to relax listening to it now. But it just reminds me of when I was in my body, not this pain riddle piece of crap and makes me more depressed. So glad I didn't play any music at the birth like they tell you to. I did take some CD's but never put them on. I would not be able to listen to any of that music if had. I'm really associate music with memories. I so remember the first time I went to Leeds Festival and got so a***h***d and it was great. Was a fun, filled drunken weekend. I felt so free and not like me. First time I got drunk at 17 was addicted to the feeling. The freedom of not having to feel the pain and self-hatred, it just blocks it all out. Listening to music helps to remind me of that feeling. But I can't be like that unless I'm drunk and even with the therapy and if I ever do come to terms with what has happened. It will always be there, it's not the same as blocking it out and I don't know if I can live with that. But I will try for LO because he is my life and I will do whatever it takes to be the best mum possible for him. This viral infection is like been drunk head spinning, hazy feeling!!! Can't drink at minute feel too ill, so sup that's one good thing!!!
I thought I did well today, although f**ked myself up in the process!! Started swearing on here cos I do tend to swear quite a lot, so is only a true reflection of the way I am! Went to messy me group this morning with LO and he made play dough (well I made the play dough)! Then saw one of other mums hadn't seen for a while as she has gone back to work and we went into town for lunch. At first said wasn't gonna go and was gonna go home and hide but then thought no I am going to go so forced myself. Got paranoid thought when was in cafe thinking people were staring at me. That they were whispering about me and complaining about the pushchair when they weren't! But I calmed myself down and just let it pass. Then we went for a walk round the gardens and we went back to other baby group in afternoon. Lo made me a mother's day card (which I really made)! But least I know I will like it!! Would be nice if BF had planned something nice for me for mother's day but I don't think he will have done. He said we are going over to see his mother so can't see anything been planned. I would so like a weekend away just staying in a caravan by the beach, would be really nice but it won't happen. We don't have any spare money with me being on crappy sick pay. Could hardly justify getting the MP3 player really!!
BF drove us round to GP's when we gone back from group cos I could hardly stand up felt so dizzy. Is just like after the birth nothing has changed in 8 months!!! I feel so tired but don't wanna go to bed. Is getting to the point that I'm scared to go to bed, as can't stop the images coming and get so caught up in it just stay up instead of facing them. Getting so exhausted though and really is dangerous with LO on a morning almost falling off the bed is Ok at wkend when BF here but not during week when he goes to work and LO just wanders whenever while I'm unable to wake!!! What can I do though? GP won't give me owt, will pester her again on Tues. Sup I should try and go sleep now.
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Post by winegirl on Mar 21, 2009 16:37:29 GMT
Hi Babes
Your GP sounds identical most I have met - its a virus. A virus is actually when they have no answers but know its not serious...
When I was suffering dizziness and fainting at the beginning of PNI I spent months being told it was a virus before realising it was all because of the anxiety! Bloody muppets..
How has today been? You been outside in this nice weather much??
WG xx
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ingleby
Full member
My son is aged 3 years in July. Offically diagnosed with PNI when he was six months old.
Posts: 84
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Post by ingleby on Mar 21, 2009 22:30:03 GMT
Hi Winegirl,
Oh today hasn't been too bad. Is a lot easier when BF is at home, although have knackered myself out doing the housework which don't get chance to do during week!! The house really needs a good going over but I just can't do it at the minute, so keep trying to keep on top of the worst of it. BF is off for two weeks from 6th April so hoping will get chance to do some of the major jobs then!! Took LO out for a walk to pet shop to get some food for my hamster and to calm him down!!! He gets in such a state when we stay in the house, as soon as get out the door instant silence!!!
Just trying to chill out listening to music now. Trying to treat myself to some clothes from Punkyfish, but website keeps crashing grrrr!!!!! I so love their clothes though!!! Got a 10% discount for mothers day. Downloading some music for my MP3 player. Trying to get a selection of stuff from different times of my life, not just rock music from my very drunken days!!! Otherwise I get depressed cos just wanna get pissed and block memories out. So thought would be a better idea to have a range of music.
I know what you mean about GPs. The worse one was when I had retained placenta and was in so much pain with body having contractions trying to get rid of it, BF had to drive me to GP's. Stupid cow was like oh it's only a urine infection!!! Found out weeks later what it really was! You really have to keep on at them or they just put it down to whatever minor ailment you have! I still think I have Pelvic Inflammatory Disease from the birth and keep getting constant infections cos of it, but no one takes me seriously. I bet if it was them feeling like this they would insist on a proper examination instead of been fobbed off all the time. Anyway least I've finally got my ultrasound scan in a week, gonna ask them if they can look and see what is going on with my pelvis at same time!!!
Just really tired, although got a lie in this morning, till LO wanted his milk at 11am. Really need to start going to bed earlier. Got into a bad routine of thinking I can't go to bed till after 2am!!! Think it isn't safe to go to bed before that or end up getting flashbacks and waking up with night terrors! Even if I go up at 2am, still takes about another hour before actually go to sleep. Try and use that relaxation technique that Beckah said about which does work, except I can't get my womb area to relax, then start thinking about birth again and it starts the thoughts and flashbacks!!! So just skip that part and try relax rest of me which does distract me I think and so can actually get to sleep! Think am gonna try going to bed earlier by just 30 mins each night and when can settle at that time then try another 30 mins, and so on till back at a normal bedtime!!!
Am quite happy with my ongoing weight loss, put some trousers on today that use to be well tight before got pregnant and now fit just right! Shouldn't really be buying clothes though, can't afford it. I'm terrible for doing that though!!! Never save money, life is too short for that!!! Do put money in a trust fund for LO though, his future is important!
So wish I could get some proper sleep!!! I really can't remember when I last had a good night's sleep, not since got pregnant!!! Hoping to have a good day tomorrow, even though feel like shit.
Might be back later if can't sleep.
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ingleby
Full member
My son is aged 3 years in July. Offically diagnosed with PNI when he was six months old.
Posts: 84
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Post by ingleby on Mar 22, 2009 1:31:43 GMT
Back again!!! The pain is really bad taken all painkillers allowed to and waiting for them to kick in! It's my own fault was doing too much today, cleaned bathroom, carrying all washing and was lifting heavy stuff when tidying up bedroom!!! Fool me!!! Like I have a choice no one else is gonna do it and it needs doing!!! Getting random phantom pregnancy symptoms again!!! My head is so messed up and I really need some proper sleep! Gonna try go to bed now. Be at least 30 mins earlier tonight. Will see if it works!!!
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Post by winegirl on Mar 22, 2009 8:40:52 GMT
Hey Babes Sorry you didnt get that earlier night last night It will come in time. Keep up with the relaxation techniques etc... Oh and I should tell you off for letting us know about the 10% discount at Punkyfish, gonna have to check that out shortly! How are you feeling this morning?? WG xx
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ingleby
Full member
My son is aged 3 years in July. Offically diagnosed with PNI when he was six months old.
Posts: 84
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Post by ingleby on Mar 23, 2009 1:52:09 GMT
So my first mothers day and I felt nothing. This is just horrible. I got a card and present from my son (mug with mum rocks on it, cool). We went to the seaside which I use to love but then the pain was so bad I couldn't walk on the beach. Walking on an uneven surface is just impossible for me at the minute. The pain is taking over my life. It all I can think about, it just consumes me every minute of everyday!!! I wake up it's there, I try to sleep it is there. I just want it go away. I want to enjoy life again and be happy looking after my son. Just been in the bath and got BF to rub my back, trying to explain to him how I feel. I said to him I feel like a ghost walking through life. Everyone around me is living and I just put on a show pretending because that's what people expect of me.
I really wanted to feel something today. I've tried listening to music but it just makes me more depressed as it reminds me of what I use to be like and I can't see me ever been like that again. I can't go to gigs or dance so what's the point in listening to music. I'm seeing the GP again on Tuesday for review on how I am and I really am gonna ask her about if she will put me on Sertraline. They told me at House of Light that it even says in that BNF book all GP's use to look up medication, that you can take it while breastfeeding. I looked it up and research has been conducted on women taking it while breastfeeding and there found no significant effects on the babies. It is also sup to help with the symptoms of PTSD, which I also have.
I'm just here to fulfil other people's needs. I feel like I don't have any needs. I don't feel anything about anything. I don't dislike or like things either way. LO needs his cow so I am his milk supply. The housework needs doing so I do it. Health professionals keep telling me to rest but if I don't meet the needs of people around me then I'm not good for anything. I'm not worth anything. There's no point me even being here. I'm just useless. The pain stops me from even being an active member of the human race. Thinking about going back to work now just fills me with panic. Thinking about opening my eyes on a morning fills me with dread. I don't want to wake up anymore. I hate feeling like this. Surely been on the medication can't be worse than feeling like this all day, everyday. I think should I wait see what the chiropractor says on Thursday. I think if only I could find some way of getting the pain to stop been so intense maybe the anxiety would go away. Today I could hardly walk down the front near beach as the pain was so crippling. I thought everyone was staring at me, they are thinking why is she walking so slow. I'm a target for anyone who wants to do anything to me. How can I fight back? I can't run. Anyone could take LO and I couldn't do anything about it. I think someone is gonna crash into me and that will be it. I sometimes think I will go fall into a heap on the floor and not be able to get up again. My pelvis is just gonna collapse. Then when got home had a pile of ironing to do and made things even worse. I don't get chance to rest. Tomorrow got loads of walking to do. Gotta get up at 5.30am to feed LO milk before travelling over to city with BF and then walk 2 miles to the centre where rape crisis is for my appointment. Then walk to children's centre to feed LO again. Then walk to PND support group, which I really need to go to. Then walk back to BF's work. I am gonna be so f**ked with the pain, but I'm still struggling with driving so not going to drive to places. I should really try and go to bed. I'm sup to be trying to go at 1.30am so am getting control back over my sleeping routine. Scaring myself again looking up my symptoms online. Lied on Facebook saying had a great day today, but it is what is expected of me so put it on there anyway. Feel so desperate and in despair can't see anyway out of this. Have tried to fight the anxiety but it just takes over me. I can't control my thoughts and feelings. Just like at the birth and when was raped. People take control away from you just like that, it is all a big misconception that we have control over anything. I just feel so empty. I'm scared to feel anything or even to think as it either leads to anxiety or flashbacks. I'd really better go try sleep, gotta be up in like three hours!!!
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Post by winegirl on Mar 24, 2009 14:19:45 GMT
Hi Hun
I was the same when poorly, they call it depersonalisation. I really wanted to feel like i was `here' and to find something that would make me happy or feel something. It was a very tough time.
However, it does come again. To the point that I now believe that not only am I well again but I can actually find happiness in lots more things than I could before PNI! I promise it is there for you too...
Did you get any more rest last night hun? Sleep is really important with this, as lack of it can make that depersonalisation feeling much worse - its difficult I know, but worth it if you can master it..
How are you today??
WG xx
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ingleby
Full member
My son is aged 3 years in July. Offically diagnosed with PNI when he was six months old.
Posts: 84
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Post by ingleby on Mar 24, 2009 23:43:45 GMT
Hi Winegirl,
I'm just so exhausted today!!! LO is poorly again and is waking up loads in night, but half of me is glad he is really cos it is a distraction from the thoughts, flashbacks and night terrors I keep having. I had an awful night terror Sunday night. It's related to pain I'm in as I just managed to drop off about 3am then I woke up about 30 mins later and I really thought that someone was doing an internal. First I panicked thinking my BF had his hand shoved up me when he was fast asleep next to me (paranoid about men as usual). Then I was so confused about what was happening and had images flashing through my head of a nurse doing an internal and she was purposely twisting her hand around inside me causing more pain, I really thought it was happening as I couldn't understand why I was in so much pain. Then I opened my eyes and the nurse was stood at the end of the bed looking at me, like she had just taken her hand out of me and was ready to put it back in again. I was frozen in sheer horror but luckily LO started crying and thank god he did as it brought me back and I got him and gave him a cuddle and a feed and was so grateful for it!!! It was so scary and horrible. So when I went to GP today I told her I want the medication. I can't cope anymore with this. She has put me on Sertraline, which is sup to help relief the symptoms of the PTSD, depression and anxiety. She also said about giving up breastfeeding so I can have some sleeping tablets, but with LO only sleeping when he uses me as a dummy I don't think will be giving up anytime soon!!! I really hope these pills work as I don't know how much longer I can go on with no sleep and coping with the flashbacks and night terrors. They are every night now and getting worse all the time. I don't want to go to bed. BF has just gone up and said I thought you was having an early night? cos we were up a lot with LO last night. But I can't go up yet, I'm too scared. I'm gonna try the deep sleep CD that Bean has lent me. Have put it on my MP3 player. Also when picked up my happy pills at chemist got some heat cream and heat pads to try relieve some of the internal pains I get. There's nothing I can do about the pelvic pain, hoping the chiropractor can help me, roll on Thursday. GP has also referred me back to the surgeon again about my anal fissure. My god I was in agony with it this morning!!! I put LO in his cot while was in bathroom and I was screaming out his name as I was in so much pain with it!! He really is the only thing that keeps me going at the minute. I'm just scared about going for more surgery and ending up making my pelvis worse like after I had the D & C!!! Although don't see how much more worse it can get. I can hardly walk some days and have to shuffle my feet along leaving as little a gap as possible. I do my exercises that the physio said to, but even they are really painful to do now. I'm waiting for my appointment to come through to go back and see the consultant about it. I haven't heard yet from the psychologist who is sup to be seeing me about the trauma. I went to Rape Crisis for my assessment and was sup to be starting my counselling next Monday, but when I got back yesterday checked phone and had message about going for an interview! It was totally out of the blue as I applied for the job two months ago and they said if didn't hear by four weeks then assume didn't get it. But I really want to do the job. Is working with women who have experienced extreme trauma (like me!) and are in a secure unit. They are working on getting back into the community and so I would be supporting them with that. It is exactly the kind of work I would like to go into when qualify as a psychologist, so would be good experience and for my CV. Trouble is it is a full-time position and I don't want to be away from LO full-time yet. So I rang and they said they would consider a job share if was suitable candidates!!! So fingers crossed! Anyway it's in the other city from where I have my counselling, so I can't go to both. I thought even if I don't get the job, at the interview I would offer my time as a volunteer to help with the project, as it is a new scheme. I still get sick pay off my current employer and it would get me out doing what I enjoy! Although my mum is looking after LO while I have my interview, which I'm not happy about but don't have a choice as there isn't anyone else. Felt so anxious when was in GP surgery today. I hate the waiting room, sure everyone is staring at me. My Homestart volunteer came round today and we said next week we are going to go into town for a coffee to challenge my phobia of going to town. I am better when with other people, but don't go on my own anymore. Unless I have to, to see GP. I have felt more positive today but it tends to help going to the PND support group. Although I found myself getting irritated by them yesterday and I couldn't understand why. I later identified the problem was because they were been positive and I didn't like it as I wanted to dwell on negative thoughts and wallow in self-pity, which is exactly what I shouldn't be doing!!! So I feel the group does me good challenging my patterns of behaviour.
Bit scared about taking the happy pills. Keep thinking will change me into a different person. I read somewhere that some people when they have been depressed a long time (like me mostly my whole life!!!) that when they get better people around them find it difficult because they are like a different person. I'm practically famous for my negative attitude, at work it's like a long standing joke!!!
I'm so, so, so tired and in so much pain!!! These tablets are only for short-term use anyway which I was glad about. Ha reading the list of side effects was funny, as I have nearly all of them already!!! And some of them would make my life easier!!! Like loss of sexual drive, as sex cripples me so would be better if didn't have it!
Oh yea and you was right Winegirl about the crap virus theory! As I was walking about pushing pushchair in the extreme wind yesterday and was listening to new MP3 player concentrating on listening to angry music to motivate me to keep walking. (walked about 5 miles in total was impressed with self, pelvis was not happy!!!) Then I noticed that my head was clear!!! Yes no headache, dizziness nausea nothing. I was like myself again just for a minute. Of course as soon as I noticed it my head went all fuzzy again!!! But it just showed me that it is the anxiety and because I was so distracted with the music I forgot about the random thoughts. Thought that was a revelation at least!!! It just showed me how much I use to take things for granted. Been in constant pain mentally and physically has shown me how easy I had it before! They were talking about it at the PND group, (these are people who have now recovered), talking about how it does make you a stronger person and changes you. I have to admit things like interviews don't bother me anymore (except cos of the anxiety) but before the birth I was scared about talking in front of people in a formal setting, but now don't care as have seen is nothing really!!! Am forcing myself to go on a night out with some mates on Thursday night. Am having my make-up done at the me-time group in the afternoon and thought about getting my hair done at hairdressers as well, then getting bus over to city and having a few drinks. I don't know if that is a good idea now though with starting the happy pills tomorrow?!!? Oh am getting really dizzy and screen going blurry is lack of sleep and the pain intensity!!! Will post in other part before go for a shower and see what people think. Best go up now I sup although is earlier then usual, but I can hear LO stirring on the monitor and bet he will be up soon wanting milk. Least I get a cuddle and he is back in our bed again which I like!
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ingleby
Full member
My son is aged 3 years in July. Offically diagnosed with PNI when he was six months old.
Posts: 84
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Post by ingleby on Mar 25, 2009 22:13:30 GMT
Had a good day today. LO didn't wake up till 6am and so slept through. I listened to the deep sleep CD and it actually worked!!! I slept through!!! That could be reason have felt better today and started taking meds this morning. I was in a really deep sleep didn't wake up even when LO was complaining for milk, BF had to wake me!!! My clothes came from Punkyfish, so was happy about that. Although have ordered size 10's, which I did on purpose cos now left slimming world don't wanna put weight back on again. They are quite tight so trying to be careful what am eating. She says!!! Went to shop and bought loads of sweets and chocolate, which isn't like me as I don't normally have a sweet tooth!!! I'm blaming it on the meds. I don't know if they work that quickly, but my head has been so clear today. I took them this morning and for about three hours afterwards felt really sick and dizzy. Then by the afternoon felt OK and actually walked up to town by myself and didn't panic!!! I was well impressed with myself! Went to make an appointment to have hair coloured and cut on Fri, treating myself. It could be placebo affect mixed with getting more sleep last night, but I don't care what the reason is was just so glad to have a little piece of me back even just for the afternoon. Even found I was a lot more patient with LO, even though he is teething at minute and wants picking up 24 /7. I'm waiting to see what I am like tomorrow before I am convinced it is a permanent change!!! The pain has been a lot better today as well. I don't know why, it is so random!! Think doing Pilates really helps as we were doing a lot of core stability exercises today. Still suffering with the bloody fissure though!!! LO was good having long naps today so meant I got a good rest after Pilates and then we went to a friends this afternoon. LO was playing with my friend's LO who is a bit older then him, so he was slightly wary and kept coming to me for reassurance. But it was nice to get out and talk to someone different. I feel guilty though cos most of the mum's are back at work now and I should be back at work but am off sick. But I do still do my voluntary work so it isn't like I don't do anything!!! Playing at friend's tired LO out so he had another nap and so I had another rest. Been a good day overall. Am feeling hopeful about going to see the chiropractor tomorrow, then got me-time group in the afternoon where they are doing our make-up. So I arranged to go over to the city on the evening to meet some mates for a catch up and a couple of drinks. I am nervous about going thinking I'm leaving my comfort zone (of my town) and am getting the bus, so no car to escape too. But am making myself go. Know I'll be fine once I'm there and in pub with friends, it's just getting there. Am not happy about getting bus back though as it drops me off at midnight at other side of town from my house and so will have to walk across town on my own, will definitely set off panic!!! Although when had a few drinks might keep me calm. Feel guilty about having to cancel my counselling appointment with rape crisis as it was sup to be on Monday, but got job interview and can't go to both. I mean counselling is important but part of me was relieved, as I still don't know how I'm going to talk about it, especially when have to actually relate it to myself. Was gonna try and go to bed earlier tonight. Think I managed to get in bed and settle for about 2am last night. Can't believe sometimes I only live off 4 hours broken sleep most of the time!!! It's been like that since the birth, no wonder I feel like I'm going crazy!!! I think the heat pad, heat cream and heat pillow combined with painkillers and pillow under legs help with pelvic pain when in bed. Plus showering rather then having a bath seems to make a difference. It really causes pain getting in and out of the bath, but I get a bath because the heat helps with the internal pains. So using the heat things instead makes it better. Just making a note of this because want to see if there is a pattern to good days vs bad days. I think getting this job interview has really helped with my self-esteem as well. I just want to get back to work and feel like I am contributing to society, otherwise I feel worthless. I can't justify what has happened to me in my life if I don't use my experiences to help other people. I know I do my voluntary work but this job would really give me a feeling of self-worth, which I need to get back. I really think I am gonna offer to do voluntary work with them even if don't get the job. I think it will do me the world of good, even if is only two afternoons a week and / one weekend day. Trying to get LO use to being with other people as well. I think it is partly because I use to leave him with my mum before but now am having issues with that, so don't leave him at all apart from when he's at crèche for me-time group and when I have counselling. BF is off for two weeks soon, can't wait for that!!! Don't know what time should time go to bed tonight. Feeling brave and thinking about trying going when BF goes up but don't know. I'm feeling really tired but that doesn't mean anything. Have gone up before knackered and had to come back down cos of flashbacks. Am putting all my faith in the meds I think! Ha is funny when resisted them for so long now think they are my saviours!!! But seriously I know I need to do the work still, working on my CBT and relaxation techniques. My homestart volunteer has information she is gonna give me on a course they are running for 10 weeks on relaxation techniques. It is in another town, which is quite a drive away but sup it will challenge my driving phobia. Think am gonna try go up now. Need a shower and then armed with heat products and deep sleep on MP3 player will try and get to sleep before 2am!!!
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ingleby
Full member
My son is aged 3 years in July. Offically diagnosed with PNI when he was six months old.
Posts: 84
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Post by ingleby on Mar 27, 2009 0:55:28 GMT
Sorry had a bit to drink so might be a bit obscene!!! So pissed off with my BF. I was on the bus on way back from city. Admitted to my best mates about been raped and that I was going to counselling, which I never told them before. Was proud of myself for even going over to city by myself!!! OK so maybe I had a bit too much to drink 3 pints and a large glass of wine!!! Yes I'm breastfeeding and yes I'm on anti-depressants, so should I be drinking, no probably not. But I fight with drinking everyday and I get made to feel guilty about having the occasion one too many!!! f**k it all!!!
So I stupidly thought cos my friends had been so accepting of my confession that my BF would maybe be open to some home truths!!! Ha ha!!! Idiot me text him on bus on way back bearing all just to get it thrown back in my face when got home. It's all so f**king easy when you've had a perfect family and never experienced abuse!!! I told him some shit and all I got when got in was 'it has started again hasn't it' and 'you need to get it under control'. Yea like it is that easy!!! I admitted that I think he is gonna abuse me and that I don't think I deserve to be a mum! He just reinforces it with his attitude! Good job he isn't a counsellor, cos he is crap!!! He just can't understand what it is like for me. I wouldn't know if I had, had his kind of upbringing!!!! I think he is trying to make me feel guilty cos I bought some clothes and am having my hair done tomorrow!!! He is making out like I'm a bad mum just cos I got drunk!!! There aren't so many women who breastfeed for this long, so I do well to still be going. But no all I hear is how I drink too much and I think you don't even know. Men don't go through childbirth. LO is my life, we have been through so much together!!! Men can't understand that bond!! If I didn't breastfeed how would we get LO to settle back down on a night time!!!
I wish I would stop eating so much chocolate, I'm gonna get fat again!!! I need to fit into my size 10's and I don't eat properly. My head is spinning, I need some support but I don't get it. He is my baby. I gave birth to him. How dare he try and tell me that I don't do what is right for him, just cos I dare go for a night out. I knew this would happen. I'm still me but that's ok as long as all do is meet LO and BF needs!! He just purposely doesn't notice when things need doing round the house. I feel like a slave!!! I have to beg him to do the hoovering cos I'm not sup to do it cos of the SPD. It's like you live here too, he is your son as well. Why am I the only one who has to notice the mess and that pots need washing!! Even when I leave the washing up bowl with water in and wash my own pots, I'll go to the sink and if he has given LO his tea and had his own tea, then the pots will be for me to clean up!!!! I am just a slave!!! So wanna get back to work cos then it will be justified me not having to do every god dam thing!!! I wanted to go out and enjoy myself tonight and I did. But it has been spoiled by my stupidiness at trusting a man and thinking he would understand!!!
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ingleby
Full member
My son is aged 3 years in July. Offically diagnosed with PNI when he was six months old.
Posts: 84
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Post by ingleby on Mar 27, 2009 23:26:54 GMT
Well have I suffered today!!! Drunk far too much last night!!! Hence the rant above!!! It makes me cringe reading it back but it does me good to see what I am like when drunk. I just turn into a right evil cow!! Couldn't even get out of bed!! Kept seeing stars and having to lay back down again. No groups for LO today!!! Eventually managed to get up and have some breakfast. Think it has messed up my milk production, that and not hardly eating at moment. LO was getting frustrated at feeds and I don't feel as full as I normally do. I'm such a mess drinking when I know I shouldn't. I've got enough problems at the minute without getting pissed as well, making things worse. Only good thing was I have actually been resting today so pelvic pain not as bad as usual. Saying that when I walked to the hairdresser I noticed it is getting increasingly more difficult to walk! That scares me and makes me think I really need to slow down and start resting more. So I now have short hair!!! I needed a change and am sick of fighting with knots every night! I don't really take an interest in my appearance at the minute anyway. Never bother doing anything with my hair except tie it back so doesn't matter what length it is. Actually had a OK day, apart from the hangover. LO was alright with us been in the house, probably because we never stay in and it was a change for him. I'm just still trying to get my head around the abuse and rape. It was hard talking to my friends about it last night, hence the heavy drinking! I want to start to tell people close to me about it to make it more real. At the minute I don't even think it is about me, even though I know it is. Oh I got my appointment through finally to see the psychologist, is on the 8th April, so not to far away. Got my scan this Wednesday. Was sup to be starting my counselling but got job interview, but another week not really going to matter. Ha I've been living with it for 8 years!!! Kinda made up with my BF. He doesn't agree with my drinking and neither do I really. I just don't know any other way of coping!!! I mean the anti-depressants I think have already started to help with the anxiety, but it will take a while before they will work for the other things. One of my friends last night said about reporting my ex for the rapes and abuse, but I can't bear the thought of going to court. I was assaulted in a nightclub a few years ago and had to go as a witness as she pleaded not guilty. It was awful. Having to stand in the box and relay all the details, then the lawyers have a go at you and the defence tears you apart! I have seen my ex since but not for years and I can hardly bear been in the same pub as him let alone go to court!!! So he is going to get away with it, unless someone else reports him and they investigate his past relationships. It makes me sad thinking about it. He shouldn't have been allow to get away with it, but no-one would have believed me anyway. He was always the laugh and everyone's best mate in the pub. When I left him I got so much shit off people in the small town where we lived. Then he stalked me for months, only way got rid of him was my ex husband threatening him. I feel really down today, sure the drinking didn't help. Even last night when was sup to be having girlie fun I felt nothing. You know I laughed at things that I would have normally found funny, but I was pretending. I just don't feel connected to anything. Gonna try and go to bed earlier ha ha!!! Even been sat down is getting uncomfortable. What am I sup to do when standing and sitting are both causing me pain?!? Hope this treatment with the chiropractor helps.
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ingleby
Full member
My son is aged 3 years in July. Offically diagnosed with PNI when he was six months old.
Posts: 84
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Post by ingleby on Mar 28, 2009 23:33:43 GMT
Had some horrible news!!! My aunty who was like a mum to me when I was growing up, is pregnant 11 weeks. But she is in the hospital and now looks like she is losing the baby. Is having heavy bleeding and labour pains. They couldn't do a scan to check even though she started bleeding Friday afternoon, because they don't do scans on fri and sat!!! God I so hate that hospital,it is where I gave birth and had to go for the D & C and they are always short-staffed. It took 3 hours before she saw a doctor as they were too busy!!! I feel nothing!!! I hate this illness!!! I should feel something!!! I can't even be there for my aunty, not emotionally. Just makes me realize how fragile life is when it comes to LO's and how lucky I am that my LO is OK.
Had restless leg syndrome all day, although haven't been out. My pelvis is grateful that I have mostly been resting today. I am really scared by the fact that walking is getting difficult, enough to actually consider the fact that I need to rest. I've got this job interview Mon, but I won't be able to take the job. Gonna go with the plan of offering to be a volunteer, once a week.
Listening to deep sleep CD seems to be working, although had a bit of a funny going on with it last night. Just cos had thoughts of the rapes and sexual abuse going round in my head. Then when was listening to the CD and it has a part talking about unconscious thoughts. I started having memories of the abuse which I hadn't been aware of before. I couldn't control them coming out it was horrible. But then again part of coming to terms with what happened is gonna involve looking at painful / blocked memories. So I just rode with it, let them pass and concentrated on relaxing again. I guess because I have made the decision to start to admit the abuse and rapes did happen, that it is starting to make it's way into my conscious mind. It's gonna happen anyway with starting the counselling next week. Really most of me is screaming, STOP!!! Don't face up to it, you can just carry on as you have been doing. It has been 8 years. Yea 8 years of drunken, randomness which I can't remember half of!!! I'm doing this for my son. It's time to stop relieving on alcohol to block out the past and face up to it.
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Post by winegirl on Mar 29, 2009 8:30:54 GMT
Hey Hun
I tried those relaxation CD's where they talk to you but struggled too, so in the end I went on amazon and bought some with just relaxation music etc on it, buddhist music and such the like, I found it much better.
Sorry to hear about your aunt. That is TERRIBLE that they say they cant scan her on certain days! I have never heard anything so disgraceful. I tell you some of the things I have seen in the NHS this week makes me question whether I really want to work for them!
How is she doing today? And how are you??
WG xx
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ingleby
Full member
My son is aged 3 years in July. Offically diagnosed with PNI when he was six months old.
Posts: 84
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Post by ingleby on Mar 30, 2009 19:26:09 GMT
Hi Winegirl,
I couldn't come on here yesterday as I was too upset after everything that happened. My aunty lost the baby during the night. She's back home now and is really struggling, but has three other children to look after so I hope she is managing to rest. I am hopefully going to pop in and see her on Wed, after I go for my scan at the hospital. I had a right going on with my mum last night. She agreed to look after LO so I could go to my interview today. Then she rang last night and turned around and refused to look after him. I got a lecture on how I'm not up to going back to work and if I do, I will end up in the loony bin and she will have to look after LO!!! She laid on the guilt of leaving LO in a nursery and how I can just carry on living off sick pay and stay at home with him. She said I shouldn't be driving when I'm passing out and having dizzy spells and that I was putting LO in danger. She said I could kill him and how I was causing her stress by driving cos of the worry!!! I couldn't believe it!!! I was so mad and upset as it was too short notice to get anyone else to look after him. I knew this would happen. She is using LO as a weapon against me to control my life!!! Just because she doesn't agree with me working. I think it would do me good to get back to work!!! Plus living off sick pay isn't the best option, it's hardly enough money!!! Anyway I was in a right state this morning. I took my meds which make me really dizzy and feel like I'm gonna vomit. I passed out yesterday in the shower after taking them. LO was screaming cos he is teething and wants me holding him 24 / 7. My anal fissure was bleeding badly and is really sore. I knew some other mums who might look after him but the way he is and the amount of time it would take me to get over for interview. It would not be fair to ask someone to have him screaming for 3 hours!!! So I went to the children's centre quite upset. I had told everyone about my interview so when I got there I explained what had happened. Then I had 3 offers to look after LO, but explained he is teething. But an angel in the form of my chiropractor, who is also a mum at the group. Offered to drive me over there with LO and look after him, plus her own two kids while I was being interviewed!!! Bless her!!! So it ended up I went for my interview and I did OK. I really hope I get the job. It is exactly what I want to do. There are two positions available. Anyway they are going to ring tomorrow to let the person who has it know and write letter to rest. I'm just so happy I at least got the chance to go to the interview. Bless my chiropractor, and I am seeing her on Thurs to start my treatment on my twisted pelvis as well.
Yea I might try getting a relaxation music CD instead. Although the Deep Sleep CD really works, I go to sleep about 12 - 12.30am now, which is far better then 2am!!!
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Post by winegirl on Mar 30, 2009 20:09:06 GMT
Huge hugs hun...
The dizziness and nausea passes babes. I used to constantly feel dizzy/faint etc because of the anxiety caused by PNI and know how scary it is, but it will get better i promise.
Great that you made the interview and i will keep my fingers crossed for you! Sounds like your mum isnt being that helpful about the situation. But i can understand why she worries. She needs to understand that getting back to work will actually help you get better i think.
When will you find out about the job??
WG xx
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