|
|
Post by ontariomum on Mar 7, 2009 17:34:12 GMT
During my pregnancy I lost my number one supporter, my grandfather. Being the only granddaughter and living next door to him and Grandma, we were very close. I had never lost someone close to me. At the funeral every person who came by said, "well he never got to see the new baby". I sobbed throughout the ENTIRE funeral. I was the only one, lol. It was the same night we buried him that I had my first panic attack. 5 months pregnant at this point. I went right into a depression, and thought I was dying from any ache and pain. As well I was so upset there must be something wrong with my 3 year old daughter. It was all I could think of.
Finally at my regular doctors appointment I broke down in tears. I was afraid to leave the house, afraid of dying, terrified to answer the phone even. She thought it was a great sign I wasnt hallucinating. The next day I had an emergency appointment with another doctor who gave me the ins and outs of treatment during pregnancy. She thought I was doing great and would be ok without it and I left feeling good again.
The very next day I had a phone call from the largest hospital around that I was to go in for immediate attention. I wasnt feeling so great after that call.. especially since I was terrified to answer the phone to begin with. I went to go see a psychiatrist who spent 5 minutes with me. During this 5 minutes I poured my heart out to him. He answered 3 phone calls and spoke in a different language. Replied to an email on his computer while I was talking. And in the end told me I was bipolar and handed me a prescription for an anti-psychotic. I asked him if this drug was safe to take during pregnancy and he said he didnt know and handed me a telephone number for someone I could call and ask. Then he excused himself and left the room. I couldnt even find my way out of the hospital. I left the prescription on his desk. I knew I had issues but Im sure not bipolar!
That same week I had a terrible dream that my husband and I poisoned our 3 year old daughter and wouldnt let anyone into the room to save her... I woke up crying and absolutely beside myself! What kind of mother would EVER have a thought like that! I was so convinced that I was capable of doing this because in my mind in the dream, nothing told me it was wrong.
It was after this dream I couldnt watch tv anymore because of all the stories about serial killers and murderers. I was terrified I could be capable of this! All the shows about the end of the world, I would go into a panic and believe the end was so close.
With my state of mind I was so afraid I would not like my new baby. That I would blame her for making my head like this. I just wanted to be locked up in a mental institution where they could just fix me. Didnt happen of course.
I thought for sure after the baby was born I would stop having these attacks and freak outs as I call them. Well the first 2 weeks home were HORRIBLE! I cried and cried more than Ive ever cried before. I began having chanting thoughts "why dont you just kill yourself!" I fantasized about driving my car onto the wrong side of the road, and at times I would think of taking the entire bottle of ads just cause I believed it would be so peaceful to end it all. I coulnt get over what a terrible mother I was and knew my kids would be better off without me.
Wow this is getting long. I hope I put a new thread in the right spot!
|
|
|
|
Post by chica on Mar 7, 2009 19:05:14 GMT
Hi Cheryl,
So glad you made it to the diary section, I really think it may help to try and find any patterns or triggers for you, and besides that, it is a great place to rant, moan and rave, and get feelings and thoughts out that you may normally keep inside. I know when I first started my diary, I wrote and wrote and wrote, it was my first real outlet that I had.
You have been through so much in your pregnancy with loosing your grandfather, I am sure he was a wonderful man, when I first lost someone very close to me, somebody said to me, try and view it that they have just gone into another room, you cannot see the person that you love, but they are not far away, and you can still talk to them through the doorway, I am not sure if that will help you right now, or you may now think that I am a total freak, but it did help me immensely to think of it that way.
Have you been offered any grief counselling?
As for your appointment at the hospital, it sounds to me like the doctor you saw needs blooming well shooting, or at least reporting!!
I too have had the chanting thoughts about driving your car off the road etc etc., believe you me I very nearly did it and veered off at the right time, that was when I admitted that I needed help, and was then diagnosed with PNI. You are not a bad mummy at all, please believe me that things really do get better.
Keep on writing in here, it really does help.
I am guessing from your username that you are in Canada, so the time difference might mean that you dont get an immediate response, as my very best friend lives in Minnesota and there is a 7 hour difference for me to her, I live out in Spain by the way, but we are here for you.
xxxxxxxx
|
|
|
|
Post by ontariomum on Mar 8, 2009 18:29:57 GMT
O my gosh! That is so sad your best friend lives so far! Do you see each other often? Yes I'm in Canada. I haven't found anything like this site around here... I really do love it!
I did report the doctor by the way... and of course even though I knew I couldnt be bipolar had myself truly convinced this was my problem for a whole week. I would start crying to everyone I knew that I was bipolar and they would just laugh at me:) Devastating during that week, but I suppose I would have laughed if I was in their shoes too.
So Ive been feeling like my good old self again and I really wish I could say it would last. There were 2 months of "normal" time between my latest blips. Yesterday was the first time in 2 weeks I didnt wake up overwhelmed with anxiety over "how Im going to feel that day".
Both my children were so wonderful and relaxed ALL day! It was Stress free! Today they are both on my team again too. (It sure makes a difference in my mood:))
Cheryl
|
|
|
|
Post by stevensmummy on Mar 8, 2009 19:51:44 GMT
Hi Cheryl,
Just wanted to show my support and check thats its ok to read and write in your diary. I personally find the feedback in my diaryfrom the girls very important and a real help.
Your doc sounded like he was a pr*** to me. Good on your for complaining. Was there any outcome from that?
Losing your grandfather must have been hard on you. I remember losing my great grandmother who lived accross the road from me as a child and I was about 12 when she died. I took it very bady.
Glad you are feeling good. Its so much easier when the kids are positive isnt it.
Sarah x
|
|
|
|
Post by ontariomum on Mar 8, 2009 20:12:09 GMT
Absolutely! Anyone can write in here if they wish to. It's nice to know I'm not alone  I'm still recovering from my past two weeks of "the crazies". But more in the sense I have been cleaning my house ALL DAY! The past two weeks I didnt care about anything. But this morning I looked around and it looked like a bomb went off in every room on every floor of this place! My goodness... I will sleep well tonight! |
|
|
|
Post by ontariomum on Mar 10, 2009 15:48:28 GMT
So Im leaving the house shortly for my third psychology appoint. I have a few questions about antenatal depression. I want to know if this is really what has happened? I also want to talk to her about issues my husband and I are going through. He knows I'm having a hard time with anxiety and everything else. When I'm in my "crazy" he more or less steers clear and lets it run its course. But the moment Im feeling any better he dumps EVERYTHING on me. I dont know how to make him understand he's not helping. AT ALL! During the winter months he was much more supportive, (while I was still pregnant). But now he's upset with me that I've decided to take the ads. He believes I just need to work out more often. Makes me think he's not happy with my body. (Im 125lbs..., size 3). GIVE ME A BREAK!
|
|
|
|
Post by sianyc on Mar 11, 2009 8:59:56 GMT
He's probably read somewhere about endorphins and convinced himself that's all you need! Men are stange about illness, especially PNI. If they can't give practical help then they're screwed. Mine never understood that I needed more emotional support and to feel appreciated and wanted rather than a solution.
It's not fair to lump all men together I suppose but the impression I get is that this is their normal reaction.
How did your appointment go?
|
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Mar 11, 2009 20:34:55 GMT
Hey Cheryl
How did the appointment go yesterday? Did you get any answers to your questions??
Hope today has been ok for you hun xx
Take Care
WG xx
|
|
|
|
Post by ontariomum on Mar 11, 2009 23:01:12 GMT
My appointment was GREAT! She was able to explain things to be about myself and my emotions I would never even imagine. She believes I'm suffering postpartum, grievance, as well as social and general anxiety. I never stand up for myself, let people walk all over me, hate any kind of confrontation... so on... she was able to tell me my response to stick my head in the sand for all these years has resulted in my body not being able to naturally process my emotions. I thought it was very well put. I can write on here to a bunch of strangers and such... but if it came down to meeting any of you in person I would be a complete mess and would probably only make it to the front door before I ran. lol.
About the NOT supportive husband... all he wants is a thank you for telling me I needed to talk to a psychotherapist. (What an ass!) Can I say that on here? hehe. I came home so happy with how everything went yesterday and he had to put me in place and let me know it was all thanks to him. Charming... and yes, he's definitely read about endorphines, lol. I completely agree with EVERYTHING you said Sianyc!
I had a doctors appointment to day, my mom and I booked it together last week because we were both feeling like we needed to see him. (She has high blood sugar, not depression). As of this morning we laughed the whole way there because we were both feeling so much better we had no idea why we were going. So of course I teased him that I still believe theres something wrong with me. I said lung cancer as an example... so he wrote me out a request to go upstairs and get the xrays done so he could prove to me I dont have lung cancer... then I laughed and asked about colon cancer, (I have a 38 year old friend who passed away from this a few years ago).. so he asked me a few questions such as how old are you? (Im 25), Do you have a mother or father with a history of colon cancer? (No), Do you experience any bleeding? (No).. Then he chuckled and said the second I told the colonoscopy doctor these answers, they would laugh too and tell me to just come back in 25 years... I left there feeling very relieved.
Apparently when my mom was about my age she went through a spell where she believed she had a brain tumor... she had herself convinced her face was numb and experienced blurry vision... (my same doctor), told her at the time it was just anxiety... so she stewed and stewed about this brain tumour and finally went in again... so he laughed at her too and gave her the papers to go to the hospital for all the proper testing just to prove she didnt have a brain tumor. Sure enough... there was no tumor..
If your still reading all this, thanks for listening! I've had another good 2 days. I hope everyone else on here has too!!
|
|
|
|
Post by chica on Mar 12, 2009 8:26:14 GMT
Hi Cheryl,
I am so glad to hear that you have had a good couple of days, and that the appointment with the psychologist and doctors went well. You also made me smile just imagining your mum and you laughing together, laughter in itself is a great healer too ;D ;D
Wishing you very many more happy and positive days ahead.
Chica
xxxx
|
|
|
|
Post by sianyc on Mar 12, 2009 8:50:37 GMT
Sounds like you have a lovely Doc.
Glad your appointment with the psychologist went well - and yes feel free to swear, it's your diary you can say what you want. The worst words get *** at the appropriate places anyways
|
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Mar 13, 2009 11:14:19 GMT
Hi Cheryl
I am so please that the appointment was so great for you and that you have had a good couple of days. Just having some answers can do wonders in how we feel!!
Hope you have a good weekend too hun x
WG xx
|
|
