blue

[blue]

I thought I'd try to do a diary to see if writing things down helped me.

I've got a 4 and half month old daughter and know I've not felt right for a while, my husband knew there was something wrong but I kept telling him I was sorting it, finally on Sunday I decided I had to see the doctor cos I hated how I was feeling.

After crying my way through my appointment the doctor decided to refer me to counseling and to arrange a couple of appointments with the Health Visitor, and to go back in 2 weeks.

I came home from the doctors and as soon as I got through the door I could not stop crying, maybe it was relief of telling someone.

I have not been able to talk to my mum or sister as yet, I just feel like I've failed and my sister is getting married in a few weeks so I don't want her worrying about me.

The doctor called me to say he had put me forward for internet counseling and I would get the information soon, I have no idea what to expect, but apart from that I have not had anything from the Health Visitor so I will wait and see.

I just want to feel like me again, I find it so hard to explain how i feel, I want to be able to enjoy my time with my daughter and my husband.

Hopefully this is the beginning of recovery

[cokey]

Hi Blue

Its the first step to getting better, realising we are unwell and needing help. You have done the right thing.

My husband had internet counselling. It said it was interesting and I presume they have researched it and it works, so good luck with that.

To be honest coming on here and keeping a diary will be of tremendous help. Other than that, the only advice I can give you is expect the path to recovery to be a bit bumpy and be patient. You will get better, we always do, no matter how much we doubt it and you will be yourself again but it all takes time.

Be honest on here, nothing shocks us, worries us or anything on here and you are protected to say whatever you like.

Welcome and here's to a recovery sooner rather than later.

Cokey xx

[winegirl]

Hey Blue,

Is it ok to write in your diary? Please say if you would rather not.

You will find me saying all over the place here that that initial GP with your appt is the first step in recovery - so take comfort in the knowledge that you are now on that road. I am very interested in the online counselling you will be doing and will be interested to hear about it.

Hope your weekend is going ok hun xx

WG x

[blue]

I'm happy for others to post on my diary it's good to have other opinions.

I did not have a good day yesterday, I don't know why but I just kept snapping at everyone and wanted to cry all the time, I had to try and keep it together as it was my step daughters birthday, it was hard though as my husband was asking every 5 mins if I was ok, which was not helping, I know he means well and cares but it just made it a bit more difficult.

I Finally talked to my mum today, and she was not surprised, I thought she probably new that things were not right, I guess it is good that she knows as I now have someone else to talk to, I still find it hard to find the words to explain how I feel.

[winegirl]

Hey Blue

Talking to your Mum was a very good thing to do. Being honest to people about what you are going through and talking to people about how you feel etc.. will really help in your recovery. You need support right now and you will only get it if people know what is going on with you x

Sorry yesterday was so crap for you. How have you been doing this evening??

WG x

[cokey]

Hi Blue

I'm glad you were able to talk to your mum because you now have someone to turn to as well as us guys here, but someone physically there to hold you or comfort you when you need it.

How you doing today?

Cokey xx

[blue]

I had a good day yesterday I got through the whole day with out crying, which is a first for a long time. I kept myself busy as I had to finish making the place cards for my sisters wedding, I think being busy helped, but I don't always want to do things.

Today I have not felt so good probably has something to do with my four month old waking up every 2 hours last night, I don't know whats got into her she used to sleep through.

[sianyc]

Hey blue

Tiredness can affect everyone's mood, more so with PNI I think because you're low anyway without that extra struggle.

I hope your day picked up and that she slept through last night for you!

[blue]

Thank you for all your supportive messages.

I have felt very anxious today and like I'm on the edge waiting for something to happen, I feel like I'm trapped in a vice and need the pressure to be released, I can't figure out what is worrying me.

I told my best friend today, she has a 1year old, she said she wished I had spoken to her earlier, I explained that it took me a while to admit I was having problems, I know she will always support me, sadly though she is looking at moving further away, it will only be about an hours drive but not having her just down the road will be sad.

It's going to be a busy weekend, I have a bridesmaid dress fitting for my sisters wedding, and a rehearsal for her wedding, there will be quite a few people at the rehearsal so I'm not going to go until the last minuet as not sure I can Handel a lot of people.

Oh well it's a new day tomorrow hopefully it I will feel a bit better.

[winegirl]

Hi Blue

Hope your weekend has started well? I would often feel the anxiety for no reason whatsoever, you may get good and bad days like this but the good days will soon out way the bad.

Good luck with the dress fitting!

Love

WG xx

[blue]

I've not posted for a while as have been very busy juggling my daughter.

I have not had a very good last few days I can't seem to control my emotions, feel really down and alone and like I am waisting my life.

I keep thinking about going on medication, My GP told me they can take up to a month to start to work and I'm worried I will get addicted to them, I feel like I will have failed everyone.

[cokey]

Hi Blue

I am so sorry you feel alone and down. You aren't alone but those feelings you have about wasting your life are normal to me with PNI. I really dwell on that a lot. I am sure toher ladies feel just the same.

If you fancy giving meds a try, talk to your GP. You won't get addicted to SSRIs and I have heard fluroxetine is a good one. I have taken the no meds route (I tried citalopram last time I had PNI though) but there is really no one way to do this as a lot of ladies swear by meds. Anything that helps is worth a go.

One thing I would urge you to do is keep talking on here even if you are run off your feet. It will help you to know others feel just the same and everyone does recover. I did once before and am getting there a second time.

Take care and let us know how it goes.

Cokey xx

[winegirl]

Hi Blue

Cokey is right SSRI's are non addictive, but when coming off them you do do it gradually because your body is so used to them, but thats different to being addicted...

How have the last couple of days been for you? Hope we hear from you again soon xx

WG xx

[blue]

yesterday was really bad, my Husband and I had a huge row, with him telling me the world does not revolve around me and that our relation ships failings is all my fault, I wanted to just walk out, but did not as I was not sure I would come back. Felt down all day and did not know what to do.

Today was better like nothing had happened yesterday, I know things were said in the heat of the moment and that he loves me, but it still hurt.

Still not sure what to do about medication may be I will give it another week and see how I go.

[winegirl]

Hey Hun

Sorry yesterday was bad for you I think that when we have PNI rows that we would have got over quickly before hurts more now and upsets us for longer.. its not nice. But glad things are better today and hope it stays that way!!

We are listening hu n xx

WG x