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Post by xkellyx on May 15, 2009 13:41:24 GMT
friday 15 may.
Feeling good today since finding the site last night i feel like i belong. Obviously i feel i belong in my family just dont feel normal some of the time, usually at night when iv put aleisha ( my 5month old daugher) to bed and joe (my partner) isnt home yet.
im feeling a bit more confident in the way of making a doctors apointment but just can face talking about it face to face with someone!
i told joe how i felt from the heart last night and broke down! he looked shocked when i told him id even thought that i might aswell kill myself coz i cant stand fighting this fing for the rest of my life just feels like theres no end. i havnt come close enough and couldnt bring myself to do it i doubt anyway imagine if i died now my lil girl will never no me! no i couldt do it it was just a thought but it really upset him not sure if i can tell him anything else he really tries to understand and he is my rock but he doesnt get it. i dont even get it so how is he ment to??
i mean i feel like when i see my family or friends it doesnt effect me as much and i can just be 'normal'. but its always there in the background ruining every bit of hapiness that comes my way.
before i found this site i was ready to give up i felt defeated ut it has really given me hope just really hope it'll do the same for me if i feel that bad again tonight.
speak soon xxxx
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Post by bean on May 15, 2009 15:21:12 GMT
Hi Kelly This site has been a lifeline to me to over the last few months, everyone is supportive of everyone else, no matter the circumstances, and we all understand how each other is feeling. Im so glad you've found some hope here too. take care luv Bean x
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Post by winegirl on May 15, 2009 15:58:22 GMT
Hi Kelly
Welcome to the site x Sounds to me like you are making your first steps into seeking the help needed with your recovery! Great news x
I hope you find the siteful and sont mind us writing in your diary? If you would prefer not then please just say so x
Take Care
WG xx
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Post by xkellyx on May 15, 2009 20:08:06 GMT
hi. thanks you 2. corse i dont mind u writting i prefer it it helps. i cant talk to anyone face to face but this site really is my lifeline! gud talking to you xx
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Post by bean on May 15, 2009 20:20:03 GMT
How you feeling tonight Kelly, is your hubby home?
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Post by xkellyx on May 15, 2009 20:29:41 GMT
i was feeling gud today. but its like when i start talkin to people the darkness hides in the back of my mind i feel its always there and im often reminded of it but it only really gets worse at night mainly when im on my own or thinking about going to bed. i dread it so much just the thought of laying awake with this feeling! im so tired but i cant sleep.
am i blocking it out or just naturally putting on a front?? i dont no!!
but like i said i WAS feeling gud 2day i feel like writin my feelings helps me blow of steam so feel calmer now jus earlier grrrr!!
id just got to my mums when joes mum called saying ' i cant straighten jazmins (joes little sister) hair coz shes going to her dads can you come and do it!' so off i went i didnt mind there basically family. just for reasons that arent my place to say joe doesnt speak with his dad so i dont really think aleisha should see him its not my place to make that descision i believe its joes. i have said tho that when shes old enough she is to make her own mind up joe understands this just wants to pretect her at the moment. Anyway! a little while back joes mum asked me round nd i told her all i said above but she walked of with aleisha and gave her to joes dad. im not a very argumentative person n dont really say what i feel. but it really hurt that she would disrespect us that much. the reason joe does not talk to him is a really serious one aswell its not just anything and she knows this!! just makes me so mad!! well today his dad (there divorced) just walked in a took aleisha straight out of joes mums arms. i couldnt believe it! and boy did aleisha screem i mean his like 7 foot lol! so i said il tak eher back and joe smum just took her and igmored me and walked off. after he had left with jazmin i just said i am taking her home and i did! i no this sounds probably like a petty little fing but reli it made me feel so low i really was heart broken! knowing what joes been through i feel so proud that hes come thru the other side and then she just goes behing his back like that! and now i do feel like sh*t literally as im writting this she just rang me up drunk having a go at me coz my little brother who i dont live with was buying sweets or sumfin i dont get her i no its probably coz im irratable and overeacting but i just burst out crying and now im shaking like mad i cant do this anymore i dont wana do this anymore f**ks sake!!!
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Post by xkellyx on May 15, 2009 20:44:48 GMT
yeh hes home sorri jus needed to release that! not sure if it makes sense i wrote it so quick!! hes so good to me his mum pisses him off 2 so he understands i love him to pieces i really dont know what i would do without him. iv given him so much shit iv thought maybe i have depresion but never really thought too much inton it untill the last couple of days where its got worse and i found this site. and its only since then that iv realised iv been lashing out unescarily at him and seen how much he does for me. she just rang again by th way to have another go at me but joe answered so i feel a bit better that hes on my side i really dont want them to falll out or argue other this but honestly you dont no whats shes like! i feel bad i dont want to talk bad about her but iv got to be honest of whats the point?!
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Post by xkellyx on May 15, 2009 20:45:49 GMT
i keep writin more and more whats rong with me? i swear i got well ba dmood swings my modd just changes so quickly i want to be in control!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Post by bean on May 15, 2009 20:50:17 GMT
Oh kelly they are being so unfair to you, do you think you could maybe talk to her together as a united front, instead of you having to deal with it yourself? You're not overreacting, we all think we are about things cause of this stupid illness, but sometimes we're not, we are fully justified in what we feel and its not our fault, its their problem. I understand your problem sleeping, im the same, ive tried cds, i have a good one on my mp4, but its decided to pack up on me. it seems that night time when were alone, especially bedtime is the worse time for thoughts, i try to take myself somewhere else, somewhere nice and warm and calm, maybe with a brad pitt lookalike joining me lol. I hope you can get some rest tonight, take care darl luv bean xx
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Post by xkellyx on May 16, 2009 8:50:45 GMT
feeling better today but not as good as i was yesturday before evrything! jus keep going over yesturday in my mind upsets me and what upsets me more is that i feel like this towards her i dont no if im overeacting due to pni or if this is me feeling this and then i just feel guilty coz their joes family i feel bad on him for feeling this is. does that make sense? i dont no anymore. i wrote my letter to th doctor last night but il probably re-write it a thousand times before i come up wid the finished version!! anyway like bagpuss said todays a new day and im going to look forward to what it will bring!
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Post by winegirl on May 16, 2009 8:59:31 GMT
Dont let em grind you down hun... you take the better moral high ground and the woman is clearly full of her own issues if she rings you up drunk to rant at you! In these situations I like to pity these people, makes you feel like the tallest woman in the workd!
Glad you got letter to GP written..you could always print posts you have made on here if you find it helpful to give to the GP?
Anyway, hope you have a good one today hun and it remains as stress free as possible.
Take Care
WG xx
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Post by xkellyx on May 16, 2009 20:00:24 GMT
hello winegirl how are you today? hope your ok. yeh i am going to print off some posts of here will help show how im really feeling its a good idea thank you. xxx
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Post by bagpuss38 on May 16, 2009 20:12:39 GMT
Hi Kelly
Hope its ok to come into your diary.
Dont let the woman get to you, I know its hard but if you do it will just knock you back again when you are trying to be positive and get yourself better. You have already achieved some things this week :
1. Actually joining this site and posting which takes guts. 2.Facing up to the fact you have pni. 3.Making an appointment to see the Doctor.
You know what If I was you I would just think well your not guna set me back ime guna fight this. Ile show you. ime guna get better for me my baby and my partner (this is what I say to myself).
Dont get me wrong I know it isnt easy to think positive all the time, I have been through really really rough days myself when I just think nothing is worth it but when I get a positive day like the last few days I really try to bring my fighting spirit out.
Hope your feeling ok.
Bagpuss.x
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Post by xkellyx on May 16, 2009 20:12:51 GMT
saturday 16 may, i feel alot better today! for once i dont feel worried about going to bed. aleisha didnt sleep very well last night bless her but it pretty much kept my mind of things. when i feel like this i just feel like im overeacting about having pni and that im wasting everyones time time that should be used on people that really need help. usually thishappiness does not last long i have gone days before wihtout feeling low im just so scared for when it comes back wich i no it will. its just made me realsie im only at the begining of this illness whereas when i was at my very lowest before i thought i was much further in! is this normal? am i just selfish? i dont understand! im also happy because joes been here so much more and really helping me. i think i feel better because i didnt feel bed in bed last night so therefore im not worrying myself tonight. im so confused! i hope you dont think im selfish!xxx
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Post by xkellyx on May 16, 2009 20:36:04 GMT
starting to feel low again cant wait till tesday im not feeling that scared yet i just to get it over with so i can start looking forward xx
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