Sazzy's Diary

[cheshire]

Hi Sazzy,

I'm so so sorry you've been back in hospital...how are you feeling today?

I do understand about the anger and from what I've read here, for some ladies with past issues - having a baby is like opening Pandora's Box.....but it will improve.x

Hope you know you can talk here any time about how you are feeling xxx

[sazzythom]

Last week has been hell for me. I've gone forsolong without feeling like this. Tried to take my life 3 times in the last week. My arm looks awful. I feel so low.
Seen the psyciatrist this week and he's put me on a load of new drugs that if i do decide to get pregnant then i'll be safe or a least safer.
Home treatment team are now involved again and their visiting everyday which is a drain. Its always a different person or people that have come each day which is wearing me out.
It seems to have affected my husband as well as he no longer seems to want to be intimate with me. I tried to initiate something last night and he said he couldn't do it. It makes me wonder if he thinks of me differently now he knows about the abuse and rape. Like i'm dirty secondhand goods of something
I just don't know what to do with myself.

[monica]

Hello

I'm so sorry for what you've been through this week. Please hang on in there - hoepfully the new meds will kick in and yuoi'll feel better. Sometimes, you have to hit rock bottom before you feel better.

I'm sure you husband loves you very much and think of you as second hand goods. This week must have been hell on earth for him too and I imagine sex is the last thing he'd feel like doing through sheer worry for you

How are doing this pm?

Love

Monica

[winegirl]

Hi Hun

Does the psychiatrist agree with you getting pregnant again? I am surprised he hasnt tried to persuade you other wise with all that is going on with you!

So sorry you have had such a bad week of it. I see you havent posted for a couple of days? How are you doing??

WG xx

[sazzythom]

Hi All

Having bad time at the moment buti'm coming out ofitslowly but surely. My CPN has been replaced with a socialworker till they replace her. and she'sbeen great she'shelping so much with the benefits so hopefully will get them sorted sooand i guess i'll feel a bit better then.
Went tosee psycologist today. I never realised before but i really like him as a person and he's soeasy totalk to i have really opened up to him things i haven't told anyone else and he's agreed to keep me on his books until i have another baby which has put mymind at rest.
The psyciatrist didn't say anything about me trying for another baby. In his wordshecan't tell me todoanything due to the harold shipman case. Where they used to say something its now classed as taking away your patients rights. I'm not sure about trying again at the moment to be honest but if it happens i won't be devestated but won't be upset if it don't if you get whet i mean.
Home treatment came today as well and their going to cut their visits from once a day toonce every 2 days. Got so much going on at the moment. I've applied to gobacktoworkaswell which is a lengthy process but i'm glad their covering all bases.
I'm having really strange dreams about my best friend as well at the moment. Although i love him to bits i'd never leave my husband for him but at the moment i'm having alsorts of dreams about him sexually and it'sreally getting to me.Its just me reading to much into things.

[winegirl]

Hi Sazzy,

Have you applied to go back to your old job? What do you do? I found getting back to work was really hard initially but definately helped me get back on track - best thing i could have done! (had no choice actually - but so glad of it!)

Glad its going well with yoru psychologist! How often will you get to see him?

Hope today is ok for you x

WG xx

[sazzythom]

Had a better day today.Went to the safari park with my husbands family today. Wasn't as good as i expected but was nice. Really tired now so thinkng of an early nite.
Mood has lifted a little this week which iknowis all the meds and therapy working but it never seems to work quick enough.
Work seems to be further from my mind than ever at the moment. I do legal work for a debt company so its fairly stressfull and demanding and although i wanna go back i'm not sure i willcope with the stress at the moment. The last thing i wanna do is have a relapse whilst i'm at work. I think i'll just take my time as much as i can as we're ok at the moment.
My social worker arranged for me to see some outreach worker from the CAB yesterday and she's been really helpful. She is 99 pecent confident she can get the benefit reinstated and she's sure they haven't been paying me correctly for another benefit so she'sgoing to sort that out as well. So it was a really positive meeting which is good. But the benefits system is awful and i'm trying to start a campaign to make it easier for us poor folk to understand soi'll be rallying on here prob

[winegirl]

Hi Sazzy,

Glad you are starting to pick up a bit. Yes, it is annoying how gradual these things are. You would expect to just take the pills and everything be alright, shame it is not like that.

Glad its looking good on the benefits front too. I hope it gets sorted really soon?

Take Care

WG xx

[sazzythom]

Well its been ages since i was last on here so so much has happened. Found out my sister in law is expecting her first baby in January. I'm so pleased for them don't get me wrong but i'm a little jealous as i'm getting broodyer by the day. I can't go past a baby in the street without getting pangs in my heart. Ah well guess it will happen when its ready to.
We had a child protection conference this week and they decided that i'm not a risk to my daughter and they've taken her of the register which i'm so pleased about but they're not out of my life yet. So close yet so far
Went out with my best friend last nite after weeks of us missing each other to find out he's got a lovely new girlfriend and he's moving in with her. The only problem is she live 150 miles away so i feel like i'm loosing him when i need him so much at the moment. We're so close it feels like i'm loosing a brother. Don't get me wrong i'm really happy he's getting on with life and his new girlfriend is sooooo lovely. But i just don't want him to go.
On a plus note me and my husband are getting on so well. It feels the best its ever been. I'm still quite low in myself but i'm slowly picking up. Things are slowly going my way

[winegirl]

Hi Sazzy,

Glad things are still improving for you and the conference went well x

Hope you have a good weekend??

WG xx

[sazzythom]

Having a bad day today. We're having work done to the house and garden and its chaos as you would expect but this makes me really edgy because of my OCD. So i feel like i'm on speed or something the amoun t of times i've been up and down the stairs.
The house is an absolute mess and this really stresses me out. Our beech floor in the kitchen looks more like a beach!!

[sazzythom]

And my day just keeps getting better and better. The blooming washing machine has given up on me now!!!!

[winegirl]

It never rains hun..

How has today been for you so far? Any better?

WG x

[sianyc]

HATE mess, it really stresses me out and sets off anxiety. I hope your day picked up lovely x

[sazzythom]

Feel really crappy today. Just think that if i wasn't here my daughter wouldn't miss me. Life just doesn't feel worth fighting for.
I hate facebook aswell. I've been looking at my sister in laws and my daughter has no mention and when there are photos of all the people their baby have met. All the family appear but theres no sign of my daughter or me and my husband. She in my eyes is a terrible mother. Don't even get me started as why but everyone says how good she is. No one has ever commeted on my mothering skills. So if she's rubbish at it and gets told shes great then i must be utterly terrible mother.
I do really feel like crap