THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD

[evelyn]

Hello to all my fellow sufferers,
I've posted a few times, and am one and a half years into my second brush with PND. Not long ago I posted 'breakthrough' and was truly feeling well for the first time since I had my daughter in June 2001. Several weeks later and I had a bad spell which really knocked the wind out my sails. But I recovered more easily than before and have regained my feeling of wellbeing over the last couple of months.
At last the 'norm' is that I feel well again, but my new zest for life is tempered with the understanding that I must go easy on myself and not expect to feel brand new every day. I think I've learned to be less hard on myself when I start to feel 'complicated' and this seems to help.
It has been a long and hard and lonely road to this point and I've had to make a lot of major changes in my life - embracing financial uncertainty and loss of security in my attempts to improve my quality of life. This may sound strange but I have found that since resigning from my full time job (which had always been a millstone round my neck) and more recently taking on a weekend job which is much more 'menial' , I now have time to LIVE and focus on my two wonderful children, and I am much happier.
I must add that fortnightly counselling with my CPN and continued use of anti-deps have helped my recovery.
So please don't despair!
It is probably the toughest period of your life, but it will get better. Your horizons will come clear and some day you'll be able to look back on this hard journey, and feel well again.
love and respect to my fellow travellers.
Ev.

[Angela]

Hello mums
A site like this is a godsend, it's amazing that when you read that other people are expereincing hard times like yourself you feel commpassion and understanding for them but your still very hard on yourself. My daughter has just turned one. A few months after she was born I had to admit that I was really depressed and went to see my doctor after alot of coaxing from my husband (who is wonderful).
I was given a/d and immediatley felt like a failure. I took them for a while but never gave them a chance to work and came off them too quick . The feeling of guilt at that time that I had to rely on pills to make me deal with my daughter was soul destroying.
I've nearly also left my baby twice (safe with my sister).
Now I'm back to where I was all they months ago but this time it's worse I've admitted that I need to go back on a/d and I've made an appointment to see my doctor. This time it doesn't feel as bad as it did the last time as I don't feel like a new mum failing after a few months now I know I really need help. It's only took me a year.
I feel very afraid after finally admitting to myself that the problem never went away but I'm releived that I'm not insane (haha) as I did feel like that alot.
The last straw came when my daughter was driving me crazy and I was swearing and screaming at her very loud with words that I would never use with an adult never mind my beautiful daughter. The look on her face was terrible and first she started to cry and then smile and then cryagain. It was as if she wasn't sure if I was playing with her or not like it was a new game that she quite didn't understand yet. I don't want my baby to be afraid of me. At the end of the day she's the best thing in the world but it's just so hard.

I hope everyone finds a little bit of peace in their day to day as that all we can aim to do, a step at a time. Even if it's 15 minutes peace for a quick cup of tea.

Take care Kindest regards

Angela

[EVELYN]

Hi Angela,

I'm happy that you've found a little comfort from using this website. It's a bit of a lifeline for me too.
Please don't be so hard on yourself-PND is a condition, and absolutely no fault of yours!
I found that I started to feel a bit better when my babies turned one-something to do with them becoming a little less dependant I think. You also get a bit of feedback and personality emerging which I found comforting. I hope you start to feel a bit better too.
Keith is 3 now and Niamh is 1 and a half and I love them more as every day passes!
I understand when you say about nearly leaving your baby. The emotional trauma of being through this leaves you feeling so mixed up and desperate! But well done for hanging on in there!
Don't worry about being on anti-deps. After being on them for over a year I don't even think about it. My CPN recently told me that I can expect to be on them for about six months 'after' I feel well again. I'm on Lofepramine (210 mg/day).
Oh the times when I have sworn, or more usually just screamed at my babies! Yes, I too felt incredibly guilty.
One time when I was at the end of my endurance from listening to wingeing and complaining babies I sat down on the floor holding Niamh and screamed hysterically. After a split second's shocked silence, both of them erupted in terrified crying. I immediately wished more than anything that I had just held on to my anguish, but hey! I'm only human, aren't we all! If anyone could measure the amount of misery and stress a new mum can experience, we'd be the best paid and most respected members of society. (No disrespect to new dads intended-they suffer just as much and sometimes more)
But don't flay yourself-and remember, babies and children are so wonderfully forgiving. Any mum who has a conscience like yours is giving their all to being a good and commited parent. Your daughter loves you already, with that same unconditional love that you have for her.
Keep on doing the great job you're doing. You'll feel well in time and will one day maybe be able to pass on the wisdom gained through this hard time in your life.
I wish you and all the weary, burdened mums out there a few moments of peace and tranquillity over Christmas.

Interesting thought! If for a minute we look at Mary, Joseph and the baby Jesus' situation- do you reckon Mary would have suffered from PND? Outcast by her family and society, travelling on a long and arduous journey late in her pregnancy, then NO ROOM IN THE INN!!! Outrageous really.

With that, I say bye for now. Be kind to yourself.
love Ev.

[Angela again]

Thankyou 4 the feedback it was really reassuring it was hard at first typing this all down but now it feels fine.
I've had some a/l from work this weekend and have been looking foward to it all month.
What a weekend, Morgan has been at her worst, typical but not unnormal. Now it's 7.10pm and It will hopfully b her bedtime soon, so while her dad attends to her I'm relaxing with a big freezing bottle of wine. (lovely).
Thanx so much 4 the reply Evlyn it made me laugh.
I'd truly say I would of loved to have been the virgin Mary god help her! Swaning about on a donkey taking in the sites of Bethlehem while making the man walk there all the way, staying in the manger rent free and 3 good looking men turning up with gifts when your looking your worst. Jesus never in the house always out spreding the word. Thats mother hood to me.(haha) Just kidding ;D
Everyone have a good christmas these will be the times when we'll want to look back and remember the good happy times if not 4 us but 4 our kids..

Will let yous all know how I got on.

Kindest regards

Angela