madmummy's diary

[madmummy]

Hi
I thought it was time to start my own diary. I introduced myself about a month ago and have made a few posts but think I am ready to do this.
It has been hard to get to the point of admitting and accepting that I have PNI. My son is going to be 1 at the end of the month and I'm hoping to start the next year of his life with a more positive frame of mind than the last one.
I did not have an easy pregnancy. I had 2 episodes of bleeding in the first trimester and a threatened preterm labour at 28 weeks. I am a Dr and was working in obstetrics and gynaecology at the time and dealt with people who lost their babies or had terrible complications which was very hard to do when pregnant.
My labour was pretty straightforward. I had a membrane sweep on my due date (a Friday) and had mild contractions over the weekend. I went into labour properly on Monday morning and delivered 8 hours later using just gas and air. I pushed for 1 1/2 hours and needed an episiotomy, which I had a huge fear about but was in so much pain I barely noticed it.
My son fed well and I remember being so euphoric. He was perfect and gorgeous. Thinking about the first time I held him still brings tears to my eyes.
It wasn't long before I made my first mistake. I was keen to go home as I delivered in the hospital I worked in and it was a bit weird. I used to give breastfeeding advice and had spent lots of time around babies so thought I would be ok at home. We went home 8 hours after delivery and overnight my son forgot how to feed. We went back to the hospital and were admitted. In my totally demented state I drove to the hospital on new stitches because my husband didn't have a driving license.
After 24 hours my son started to feed again and we got home the next day. He fed continuously and I slept on average 1 hour a day for the first week. I had awful separation anxiety and had to cuddle a teddy bear to go to sleep as I missed him being physically close to me.
He lost weight even though he fed constantly and I had to top him up with formula as I had no time to express milk. He was unsettled from the beginning and refused to sleep in his moses basket other than one period overnight for a few hours. Every time you put him down he would wake up screaming. I was exhausted from lack of sleep and constant crying.
We went back into hospital when he was 10 days old to try and sort his feeding probs and because I had chest pain (I think prob stress related). Things were a bit better as I had tons of support but after we came home things were just as hard.
At 9 weeks he was diagnosed with reflux. I had to demand my GP send us to A&E as I couldn't cope with it anymore. My HV was lovely and very supportive but nothing she suggested made any difference. My son was likened to a baby who was withdrawing from methadone. He seemed in constant pain and it broke my heart to watch. Nothing I did could make it better and I just felt like a failure as a mother.
I had also wanted to breastfeed and although I continued and still am at bedtime I feel that I failed at that too as I had to use a lot of formula.
Various different medications, special formulas, diets and introducing solids later he started to improve.
During this time I filled in several questionnaires about PND and always told my GP/HV that I was fine. I lied on the forms as I thought that they may think the reason my son was unhappy was because of me. I still to this day wonder if he really had reflux or if I made him unhappy because of the way I looked after him.
I went to my GP when he was 6 months old and said I was feeling low, he took bloods and said I was tired and should consider controlled crying overnight as I was still up 4 times a night. It worked and within 2 nights my son slept through. I felt better not tired but was not brave enough to say I still didn't feel happy.
Since then I have gone back to work, in paediatrics where I hear everyone talking proudly about their kids and looking like they cope fantastically. I find it hard to say positive things about my son as I feel so low and am hugely jealous of other parents who seem happy.
I feel like my life has fallen apart since I had my son. I was a happy, confident, slim successful person with a good job, nice flat and lovely husband. I now feel empty most of the time, am very anxious and withdrawn. I look a state. I feel lost and useless at work. My marriage is falling apart, we have no money. I feel totally overwhelmed and unable to cope. I'm ashamed to admit that I'm more comfortable with my son in nursery because I find it hard to cope with him. That is only the tip of the iceberg of how I'm feeling.
I want to stop feeling like this. I have realised that this doesn't need to continue and this is what I'm doing:
I'm off work sick
My son is still in nursery so I can have some time to myself
I'm going to start antidepressants if I don't feel better when I see my GP
I have told family and close friends what is going on
I have bought a book about PND to help to understand and explain it to my husband
We have started marriage counseling
I start counseling on my own next week

I am having less bad days but still not feeling good. The space has given me a chance to come to terms with having PNI but I'm still struggling with feeling I have missed the first year of my son's life.
However, I know that I will be here for the next year and will enjoy that more.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. This is my story and now I have it down I can focus on how I'm feeling now rather than what has happened in the past.
MM

[larsbars]

Hi Madmummy,

Welcome to the site and thanks for your comment in my diary. I do think that having the pressure of sex taken off of me really helps. I have become too scared to show any affection in case it leads to sex.

You are doing so well. You have realised that you need some help and seem to be doing everything positive to help yourself. I know what you mean though about other mums saying how wonderful their child is and seemingly coping so well but I bet that 95% of those mother have had their problems. I have met lots of mums through toddler groups and preschools and there are very few that haven't complained about being a mother in some way, shape or form. It is usually the ones that seem to have it all and are coping really well that surprise you. I have a friend who is very outgoing and very funny. She had 3 children, a nice house, she is a childminder and used to run kiddies singing groups. I was amazed when she told me that after her third child she totally lost the plot and would be crying all the time and couldn't keep up with all of the jobs (I was like that with my first!). She said that her third child's first 6 months went by in a blur and she doesn't remember much about it. I found this with the second one. I had my first and would say that my anxiety levels were heightened but not enough to affect my life. When the first was 18 months I had the second. For the first three or four months I seemed to be on a high. I was keeping up with everything and would drive around really proud of the fact that I had a toddler and a baby but by four months (and when my periods started again) everything came crashing down and that is when PNI hit me really hard. I have suffered with anxiety and depression for many years so knew what was happening. Never the less it didn't stop me feeling as bad as everyone else with it. I think you have to give yourself a break as well. It's not your fault and you are ill so treat yourself as you would if you had any other illness. Try not to worry about the fact that you have PNI (easier said than done I know) and don't feel guilty about it. You'll find that that will relieve some of the pressure on yourself. I found that once my second got to about a year things got a bit easier as he became a bit more independent. I always had moments though where I thought that 'if only I'd been happy with one child' or 'if only I had waited' but I wouldn't want to be without my second child for the world. I know it feels as though your life has fallen apart but it hasn't. You are going through a tough time and when you come out the other side you will be able to enjoy life again with your little man.

x

[winegirl]

Hi Madmummy,

I hope it's ok to write in your diary??

I think you have had the hardest job at all. When I had PNI I avoided others with children as I just couldnt listen to them talk about their perfect lives and how they got on with them, so for you to have to work in it muct be so tough!

It would appear to me that you are already making good progress. Unfortunately that road out of PNI can be a long one, but I would suggest that you are certainly already on it, and with the provisions you have made to assist your recovery, you will do well soon.

I know things look bleak now and you will probably have days where you wonder if it is ever going to get any better, but I can assure you it does. And in the meantime we will always be here to support you through this x

Take Care

WG xx

[madmummy]

Hi
Thanks for writing in my diary. I don't mind at all. It is quite nice to know that people are interested in how I actually feel. Whenever I try and be honest with my family I get told I'm being stupid for having these thoughts.
I went out with hubby last night. He took me to a comedy club - he thinks if I laugh I won't have depression anymore. It was a nice night but when we came home we were talking with my inlaws (babysitters) about looking after the baby. They were saying how nice it was for them. Which it was because I put him to bed and all they had to do was sit and watch our TV. They were saying how they would like to look after him more often. I said how they wouldn't want to look after him full time as it is hard work and even I don't want to look afer him 7 days a week. I got told by my father inlaw how wonderful my baby is and how he couldn't possibly be difficult. So I was left feeling guilty for saying something bad about my baby and bad that I don't want to look after him 24/7.
I tried to tell my husband how I felt and it turned into an argument because I was stupid for thinking that and I should just "snap out of it" and stop being miserable.
I sometimes wonder if my PNI would be better if I lived on my own and never had to listen to other peoples opinions on my baby or how I was allowed to feel.

Anyway, my rant is over. Seeing as the weather is so nice I need to get out and enjoy the sunshine
MM

[winegirl]

Hi MM

Do NOT feel guilty.. with or without PNI there is few women who want to be with their childern 24/7 - it is too hard! Yes its lovely when they are in bed asleep and you can sit on your butt on the sofa, but in reality even when they are sleeping you aare then running around with the housework, laundry etc that you cant do when they are awake!

Everyone feels like that mate, its easy to comment when you are not with a baby all the time - i would have expected your father in law to know that!

Hope today has been better for you hun??

WG xx

[madmummy]

Thanks WG. It is nice to hear some reassurance that I'm not being selfish when I want some time to myself.

Yesterday wasn't too bad, my wee boy was quite demanding and was the same this morning before I dropped him off at nursery. I hate it when he is whining and screeching. It makes me tense up and gives me the feeling you get when you scratch down a blackboard. I wish I could relax more around him. I know he isn't being bad and is just doing normal baby stuff but I can't cope with it. I remember looking after other peoples kids and never feeling like this. Is this PNI or just because I'm more bonded with my own baby?
He is getting more mobile which is great. I was so impressed when he dragged himself through to the kitchen to see his daddy this morning. You could see that he was very impressed with himself too. That will be the image that gets me through today. I try and focus on one nice thing he does each day to remind myself when he is throwing a tantrum or whinging that he is lovely and can be good.

I'm going to my first counceling session today. I'm quite scared really as I know it will be hard to open up to another person. I don't need to be that open with many people. My husband asks how I'm feeling but often doesn't know what to say when I tell him so I'm fairly honest with him but do sugarcoat it at times. My GP never has time to go into any great detail about how I feel and I'm tentative to let other friends or family know as I often get a bad response. I think it has helped to be on here as I know I'm anonymous and so can be honest about how I feel.
I know I just need to bite the bullet and do it and that it should help in the long run. I really want to get better and so if this will help me get there I need to give it a go.

[madmummy]

Back from my first counceling session.
That was painful!
I was very nervous and found it quite uncomfortable to speak to a complete stranger. The nice thing was that she didn't mind anything I said even if it was bad and I could be honest. She did another one of the million varieties of depression scores and nedless to say I scored pretty badly. She was pleased that I managed to answer honestly and was also pleased that I have already taken so many steps to try and improve my situation.
She thinks that I am very hard on myself and am setting myself unreasonable goals. I am apparently good at looking after others but am not looking after myself. She has asked me to spend the next week trying to ease up on myself and seeing that everything is not my fault.
So i'll give it a go ........
Todays goal is to make sure my boy is clean, fed and gets to the end of the day in one piece
and the house is clean so my HV can come tomorrow without me worrying she will call social services
These are both things that my hubby can help with and I can ask for help if I need to.
This seems pretty realistic and hopefuly I can feel a sense of achievement when I manage this.

[winegirl]

But dont beat yourself up of all of these things dont get done! (obviously your wee man being in one piece at the end of the day is quite important!) but as for housework etc.. it does not matter if it doesnt get done!

Well done on being so honest on your first councelling session! I hope it goes well for you x

Take Care

WG xx

[madmummy]

So managed to get the wee man to bed in one piece. He had a tantrum as soon as I picked him up from nursery and was so miserable my husband put him in the bath as soon as he got in. He is constantly whinging and screeching which my HV says is a phase. She is still suggesting being tough - ignoring bad behaviour and giving time outs and rewarding good behaviour with lots of attention, play and songs. He is in his cot now because his behaviour has been so bad, although sounds like he is starting to talk to his teddies instead of teling them off.
Saw my GP this am who prescribed 50mg sertraline and signed me off for another 3 weeks. I guess it is good to start antid's as I'm doing everything else with little effect and would like to see a difference. I have got to accept that I'm going to stop breastfeeding though if I start taking them. It does cross over to the milk and although there are no huge risks to the baby I am not willing to take any chances. He will be 1 in a 2 weeks and I guess he is big enough to stop breastfeeding. I am finding it hard to accept beacause feeding didn't go as planned and I still feel like I failed at breastfeeding. If I stop I have to accept it is over and can't make up for my mistakes. I know the logic is if I start the tabs that I won't feel so guilty and beat myself up over this stuff but it doesn't make it easier now. The thought of never seeing my boy content and blissful feeding from me (the only person who can do it no matter how crap I am at everything else I'm better at this than everyone) is horrible. I know I'm going to take it as a bereavement and that while starting antidepressants which can make you feel worse before you feel better is a bit scary.
I'm starting the antid's tonight so have 1 more feed before giving up

[winegirl]

Hi Hun

You are definately making the right decision! You have done brilliantly to brest feed for so long! I only managed 2 weeks!

Try to remember that it could be some time before the meds start to have an affect, so hang in there and make the most of the time off work!

Best of luck with it x

WG xx

[monica]

hello

Hope you don't mind me writing in your diary. Much of what you've written really hit a chord with me - the feelings of failure, being useless, trying to live up to the image of being a perfect mum then feeling guilty when you don't enjoy being with child 24/7.

I got PNI after my second child, largely as I ran myself into the ground trying to be the perfect mum and homemaker - I bust a gut doing 15 hr days cooking cleaning pretending to be happy but really was getting increasingly miserable as I had no life.

To be honest accepting the person I was - ie someone who needed some sort of outside stimulation and that it was ok to find motherhood and bit dull and boring was a relief. It doesn't make me a bad mum it's just who I am. Us mums do set ourselves quite unrealistic goals as well as beating ourselves up if things dont' go to this unattainable goal. Looking after a child is such hard work especially if you're feeling low.

You've done brilliantly with b/f - one year wow! This time round with my third child I had similar problems to you and was topping up baby with formula which initially also made me feel like a failure. You've done a great job keeping it up and even if it's quite hard stopping it you must try and look back and give yourself a huge pat on the back for keeping it up for this long.

Sorry I've waffled on but just wanted to let you know you're not alone with these feelings and you will recover from this horrible illness

Love

Monica

[sianyc]

You have done amazingly with the breastfeeding. I gave up at the first sign of difficulty and beat myself up about it for months. It seems like a huge deal when they're small - same as the jars versus homemade food but in reality, they're soon in school and no-one can tell which ones were breast fed or bottle fed and who relied on powdered food!

My Godson was the whingiest baby I've ever clapped eyes on. He cried over nothing and didn't cheer up until he could walk about a bit. I honestly believe that some babies are just like that. I used to have to put my eldest in her cot (obviously having done all I could before hand) and stand in the shower with a shower cap on just to not hear her screaming for 5 minutes.

The truth is I find work preferable to childcare. Don't get me wrong, I love my two with all my being and enjoy spending time with them and playing with them etc but 24/7? No way!

[madmummy]

I have stopped breastfeeding. There is no way I want my son to feel any of the things I feel just now. He had a cup of milk last night at bedtime and he was happy to drink from it but I couldn't calm him down like I normally can and he went to bed grumpy. At least I can share bedtime with other people now and can go out at any time of the day. I know that grandparents are itching to do bedtime stories so they will be happy.

Not feeling great today. Have had 2 doses of sertraline and am feeling really weird. I feel dizzy and a bit disorientated. My appetite has dissapeared and I feel quite panicky. I'm not sleeping great overnight but I'm not tired in the morning which is unusual for me because I'm normally like a bear with a sore head.
Its quite scary to feel like this. I'm trying to tell myself that these are just side effects and they will go away and I might even feel better in a few weeks but it is hard to feel this scared all the time. I know that some people who take sertraline try and commit suicide and I'm scared if I feel any worse then I might start thinking about things like that and I have not had any thoughts of harming myself before. I think I'm just getting panicky because I don't have any bad thoughts I just find it weird to feel like this and I know that I'm not in control.

[winegirl]

I can 100% relate to how you feel right now. If you look under the Medication and Alternatives section, you will find a post on Fluoxetine by me experiencing the same. It was awful and i was terrified.

As it turned out Fluoxetine wasnt for me, and after 3 weeks of waiting for the side effects to pass it was decided i would switch to escitalopram. However, it is important to give it up to 3 weeks, as these are all common side effects of the meds. I know its hard now, i really can relate, but you need to do this to get to the benefits.

How are you doing this morning??

WG x

[madmummy]

Not feeling quite so bad this morning. The constant feeling of fear seems to be going away. One positive side-effect is that I feel like i have drunk 10 cups of coffee and am needing less sleep overnight and waking up naturally. I don't have the constant exhaustion during the day that I normally have. I am being quite productive today and not giving myself time to get anxious.
I really want to give the anitd's a go and am willing to put up with some crap to feel better in the longterm. I know I feel worse when I'm on my own so am trying to make sure I see people or phone someone when I'm feeling bad. My hubby is being very supportive as is my mum even though it is only over the phone. I can't wait to see her next weekend.
My dog is being very good. She is giving me lots of cuddles and never leaving me on my own. She was like this when I was pregnant and at home after threatened pre-term labour. I have been so cross with her over the last year. She barks alot and often woke my baby who was a nightmare to get off to sleep and has had incontinence problems so I'm forever cleaning floors and worrying about germs. It is lovely that she is able to do something nice for me and that I feel positive towards her.